I wake up screaming again. Its happened every night since I've been back in district 12. Back in this cold empty house I never really called home. The Mockingjays are singing outside my window. I groan and press my pillow hard over my ears but i cant muffle the sound of the knock at my door so I reluctantly get up and answer it.
I am surprised to see him, his blue eyes are still as mesmerizing as ever but have grown more intense from all the pain and destruction they have been subjected to. The burns that seemed to take over a good portion of his face the last time i saw him have healed somewhat, but the scars wont ever fully go away. I have to say they make me feel closer to him, though I'm not so sure why. Maybe because I know he has suffered as much if not more then I have these past couple of years and our scars seem to join us together.
"Peeta.." I am unsure what to say to him.
"They wouldn't let me leave until now" He says "I just came to check on you. You haven't been answering your phone."
"I don't really feel like talking to anyone" I say lowering my eyes to the floor.
His gaze is too powerful but I have to admit I am glad to see him. I have been so lonely and Haymitch isn't the best company or friend for that matter but he has grown on me in a way i cant explain. Maybe because I have a weakness for helpless or broken people.
"Hey..." He says lifting my chin softly bringing me back to those eyes. He then smiles at me, that smile that used to cross his face often.. before he was hijacked, and for the moment I feel that he is somewhat himself again. "Then we wont talk."
We spend the day in silence curled up on the floor with my head on his lap as he runs his fingers through my hair softly untangling the mats that have gone unbrushed for days. As night falls he motions toward the door and I grab his hand.
"Don't leave.." I say lightly
The smile is quickly replaced by a concerned frown. Now it is he who lowers his gaze. "I'm.. not so sure that's a good idea.."
"I know you.. You wont hurt me."
He stands not moving or looking up at me but I can tell what he is thinking.
"Fine! If you think you cant control yourself then just go!"
I run upstairs to my room and slam the door. I don't know why I got so mad at him. He was just being careful, But I felt angry at the thought that even now that the war is over, things can never be exactly the way they were before, and that gives President Snow a victory over me even in death.
I climb into bed and start to sob. The door opens and he slowly lays down and puts his arms around me.
"You want me hear. Real or not real?" He asks.
"Real." I tell him. "I want you.. to stay with me." I don't know whats come over me. I'm never good at expressing my feelings, but his warmth gives me chills and i realize i have missed his touch.
He holds me closer and whispers in my ear "Always."
He holds me through the night but I can tell its hard for him because a few times he has to clutch the pillow tight and let the flash backs pass, but he never says a word or does anything to hurt me.
The next morning I wake up from a nightmare free sleep and realize he isn't next to me. I take a shower, get dressed and go outside.
He is there digging a hole next to my house. His forehead parched with sweat, tassels of blonde curls sticking to it. His scars are more noticeable in the sunlight, but in no way does it take away from his charm. He is focused on what he is doing and he speaks to me without looking up from his work.
"I found these while i was taking a walk. I thought we could plant them.. for her." He says.
I recognize the flowers right away. Primrose. The flower my sister was named after. My eyes start to tear up and i give him a slight nod and run back in the house not wanting him to see me cry. The walls seem to be closing in and I realize I need to get out of here. I grab my bow, arrows and my game bag and rush out the door.
"I'm going hunting." I tell him without making eye contact, and I rush off toward the woods.
The fence is no longer powered and it never will be again. I slip under it and head out not knowing what direction I was going.
I end up at the hill where I would spend hours with Gale. Its empty without him here beside me. I close my eyes and think back to the day of the reaping when we talked, ate berries and spoke of running away to live in the woods. I'm distracted from my day dream when I hear the sound of footsteps behind me.
"Hey Catnip." He says.
Its Gale, with his tall broad structure. The war has done nothing to his handsome facial features except maybe mature them a bit. He looks down at me with his sly playful smirk.
"I thought id find you hear." He sits down beside me and gives me a playful shove.
"How did you know where i was?" I ask. I am surprised to see him since he has been in district 2 with his new job.
"Peeta told me you were hunting." He glances at my empty game bag. "Doesn't look like your having much luck with that though" He smiles at me playfully.
"What are you doing here?" I ask
His face becomes serious. "I had to come back and see you. while I was gone I kept thinking about how I never really got an answer from you on how you feel about me and I need that so I can make up my mind."
"Make up your mind about what?" I ask him the question that deep down I already know the answer to.
"Make up my mind about staying with my job in district 2.. or giving it up and coming back home to be with you.."
His words hit me hard and I wonder why this is happening to me all over again. I truly thought Gale had given up on me, and that made it easier for me to give myself to Peeta. But Now here he is right in front of me waiting for my answer but I'm not sure what to say.
"If you choose to be with Peeta I will understand but you have to know that I wont be coming back.. I will stay in district 2. But if you do choose me.. I will give my resignation and come back home.."
I think about what he is saying to me. How can he just leave and never come back! That isn't fair! I want my best friend here hunting with me in the woods.. and talking on this hill. But then I realize that by choosing Peeta it wouldn't be fair to make him stay because there is nothing left for him here. I know that I feel strongly for both of them, but looking back on all that's happened I realize that I love them in completely different ways.
Gale is my best friend and deep down I know he always will be. We share a bond that can never be replaced.. but Peeta holds my heart. Its his arms i want to hold me and its his kiss that holds the spark that I have felt time and time again. It is he who I cant survive without..
I look back at him and I can tell he knows who Ive chosen. We know each other to well. He gets up, pulls me to my feet and gives me a big hug for what seems like hours but I don't mind. This is Gale after all.
We walk back together in silence and when we get to the fence. He gives me one more hug and kisses my cheek softly. "'Ill never forget you katnip." he whispers in my ear. Then we go our separate ways.
When I get back to the house. I realize he has finished planting and I stand back and look at the beautiful gift he has given me. He sits against the shaded half of the porch. As I get closer I see the pain resonated on his face and I know that Gales return has caused it.
I sit in front of him.
"What happens now?" He says still not looking up at me.
I take his hands, lift them and intertwine my fingers with his. He looks at me confused. His eyes are deep and they give me butterflies. Without hesitation I kiss him passionately. His lips fit perfectly to mine. His kisses so warm and sweet always make me hunger for more.. and I know they always will.
He asks "You love me. real or not real?"
I smile at him and press my forehead to his, still holding his hands in mine and tell him "real."