Jesse didn't ask for this. She didn't want to be stuck in a white room all day, people feeding her medicine and checking on her health, seeing if she was better or worse. It wasn't a life she even thought of having.
But here she was, in hospital, diagnosed with Leukaemia. Something that completely destroyed her life.
Though suffering everyday, she still greeted each doctor and nurse that talked to her, every family member and friend was able to smile when they talked, and even Jesse herself sometimes forgot she was sick. Most days it wasn't so bad, aside from feeling drowsy and completely worthless, but she kept fighting. It was because she had her best friend to thank for it.
Rocky had known Jesse since they were young, having grown up together despite the boy having so many siblings and spending most of his time with them. They met in school and became friends easily, promising to be by each other's side for as long as possible. So far, that promise had lasted fourteen years.
But Rocky, twenty-two years old, never gave up on his best friend of the same age throughout the troublesome times over the years. Through each challenge with school, family, work and relationships, he was there to support her - and when he heard the news of her illness, he was there. They spent more than a day together, being comfort for one another and fighting the battle as one. It had always been that way, and Rocky would not give up on that.
So when the boy leaves his house after being out with his siblings all day and drives to the hospital, he has a bag with him including an item he remembered to grab on the way, intending it for his best friend as a gift. A common one, something they had began talking about in the recent few years, and he knew Jesse would love it no matter how cliche for them.
"There's my favourite guest," Jesse spoke once he entered, a big smile on her face with her arms outstretched.
"There's my favourite person who deserves much better than this food. Everybody knows you hate jello. Didn't you tell them when you got here?" She laughed at the way he picked up the item after giving her a hug, settling in the chair by the bed.
"Of course I did, but they still think it's good for me. I just cringe every time they leave it here," she said with a laugh following.
They sat in silence for a little while, Rocky looking at the flowers next to the window, noting they were pink Chrysanthemums. Her favourite. There were some cards too and he noticed the one from his family was still there, sitting close to her side and he made a mental note to update them on her condition when he returns home.
"I brought you a present."
Jesse looked at him curiously, wondering what in the world her best friend could give her. He already spares so much time to simply see her, and it was more than she could ask for. But when he opened the bag and pulled out a t-shirt, she smiled largely and immediately asked to go try it on. After a few minutes and help from a nurse, she returned to her room in a large black shirt with a white angel on it, the one she had told Rocky she loved so many times.
With a thank you and a hug, they cuddled up together on the small hospital bed and watched whatever happened to be on the television, spending most of the day together like planned. Jesse felt lucky to have Rocky stick by her side through it all, and hoped that when her condition worsened, which she knew it would, he would still be there.
Rocky wasn't planning on leaving no matter what.
~~~~~
Upon returning the next day at ten o'clock, Jesse's room is empty. He checks her whiteboard and see's a schedule, one for a round of chemotherapy, so he knows he has to wait. He doesn't mind, texting his sister that she can go home and do the things she has planned instead of rushing up to see the girl before leaving.
After an hour has passed Rocky is a bit concerned, but it doesn't take much longer until his best friend is back in the room and ready to have a nap. She eats lunch first and it makes her less tired, staying awake to watch a movie the boy brought on his portable player considering the first time he brought movies, he learnt quickly the television's didn't have DVD slots.
"Mom and dad told us to clean out any clothes we didn't want or didn't fit, so I found a few shirts in the bunch."
"Any iconic ones?" He could no doubt see the excitement she was trying to hide and smirked, playing dumb.
"Iconic? Well not really, I mean all my band shirts still fit me well-"
"I meant any that I've seen you wear five hundred million times, you idiot," they laughed together before Rocky once again handed over another bag, letting Jesse open it and pull out the white and grey striped shirt, "this is so old, you've had it like ten years."
"I've only had it eight years, thank you very much." He put it back in the bag and on the chair, wrapping his arm around her tightly before continuing to watch the movie. It took barely ten minutes for him to feel Jesse's weight fully on him and he knew that she had fallen asleep. So he stopped the movie, put it away and removed his shoes so he could pull the blanket over the both of them.
She looked a little more pale than yesterday he thought, which isn't all that odd considering she had been losing her melanin for some time, but now that he had the chance to simply look at her, it became more obvious. He didn't like to think about it, or stare too long for the hopes that it might not be true. But no, his eyes were not deceiving him, and he was not imagining things.
Jesse's health was declining as the days went on. It wouldn't be much longer until she experienced a severe cold, as well as losing muscle and strength. She wouldn't have the same glow that he had grown up with.
The thought of it all scared him and he wasn't ready to dive straight into it like he thought. But this is his best friend, and he promised he would be there for her no matter what, and he was going to keep that promise until it wasn't possible to keep anymore.
~~~~~
Jesse had lost count of how long she had been sick, but the numerous outings she had been on made it seem like it wasn't all that long. She would often spend time at home with her family or with Rocky and his, sometimes she would be by herself at the park or beach or she would go to an event. But most of the time, the tall boy was by her side, standing close with a hand in hers or an arm around her shoulder. She felt comfortable and safe knowing he was there, and normal. She felt like things were normal.
She was spending plenty of time in hospital too, being monitored and having all types of tests taken, like usual. It messed up her schedules from sleeping to eating, she felt ill more often, and she began to feel more insecure about herself. Her skin was becoming pale and bruising easy, body thin, leaving a shell behind. She wouldn't ever look in the mirror too long. A week was spent bedridden, constantly throwing up and experiencing nosebleeds, as well as suffering through horrible headaches.
Jesse wanted it all to stop and disappear. She wanted to forget how disgusting she felt. But diseases, cancer, doesn't just disappear overnight. It wasn't that simple.
What did disappear though, was Rocky one morning when she woke up. He had spent the night at her home and slept in the second bed that was added to her room, but he was nowhere to be seen. She stayed in place for a while, watching the light come through the curtains gently and hit the door at the opposite end of the room. It's a peaceful sight, one she's come to appreciate whenever she wakes up early and is too pained to leave her bed.
In between daydreaming about going on a road trip with her best friend, he quietly walks through the door, fast food bag in hand. What a gentleman.
"You're awake."
"Yeah." There was nothing else to say as he helped her sit up, handing over breakfast muffin's and juice from McDonald's. A perfect breakfast choice, in both their opinions. "Thank you, but you didn't have to do this."
"I'll always do these things, even if you never ask."
~~~~~
It's early, perhaps six in the morning and Rocky had been up late after a family get together the previous day. His phone is ringing on his bedside table and he can hear his brother groan from the other side of the room, wanting it to stop, so he blindly reaches for it and answers the call.
"Hello?"
"Rocky? Jesse is in the hospital again, we brought her in through emergency." He immediately recognised the voice belonged to Jesse's mother, and his eyes widened quickly while climbing out of bed to find clothes.
"Is she okay?"
"She woke up feeling ill and was sick, then she passed out. It happened again on the way here."
"I'll be there soon, is there anything you need me to get?" he had a spare key to their home and had run errands and picked things up for the adults numerous times throughout the months, but hearing a mumble of 'no' meant he could go straight to the hospital, "I'm on my way now, thank you."
It didn't take long for Rocky to be putting on a jacket and rushing out the door, remembering to lock it on the way before beginning the drive. It took roughly fifteen minutes, less than it would an hour later with people going to work. He rushed in, not seeing Jesse's family, and moved to the front desk to ask for her name. So far there was nothing and he would have to wait.
Something didn't sit right with him as he waited and he didn't know what to do. She hadn't been unwell when they last saw each other, a mere two days ago, so she must have caught something after that and it took quick affect. It was scary not knowing what was happening.
He didn't have to wait long, however, Jesse's parents coming out and seeing him straight away. It was a case of the common cold, though due to her illness, the symptoms had become worse and cause her to be ill and pass out. She was on a drip and was sleeping at the moment they informed him. There was no point in waiting when she wasn't awake, but he didn't really want to leave either. When it was suggested he go home and eat, perhaps rest some more, he eventually agreed, not wanting to, and asked that they contact him when they hear anything.
The two adults could see just how much Rocky and Jesse cared about each other and thanked the boy for always being there for their daughter, and gave him permission to stay with her for as long as it was wanted when she was awake. He bid them a small farewell and drove home, seeing his mother awake and cooking breakfast. He quickly informed her of things and she made him a plate of scrambled eggs with toast, not saying much because there was really nothing to say.
When it came around to lunch time his phone buzzed, letting him know Jesse was awake and asking for him. He quickly picked up the bag he had sitting on the bed and took it with him, again arriving within fifteen minutes.
She was tired when he walked in the room, but smiled brightly and outstretched a hand that was taken without hesitation.
"Hey Jesse, how you feeling?"
"Alright. Better now that I'm not suffering so much," they both laughed, letting the silence linger in after it, "I wasn't sure you knew."
"Your mom called me when you got here. You were sleeping so I was told to go home for a while." She understood, nodding slowly, and holding his hand tighter. They didn't really say much else, Jesse trying to keep her eyes open and Rocky making sure she was alright.
When she fell asleep, he stayed by her side and held her hand gently. When she woke up three hours later, he was still there, other arm resting on the edge of the bed, phone in hand. He handed over the bag he brought once she was sure she wouldn't fall asleep again, and the smile on her face reminded him of all the smiles she gave when he brought in a shirt. But three? It was like the sunshine.
They stayed together all weekend, Rocky being able to sleep in the single room with her, and when they stayed up talking to four o'clock with Jesse fighting past a headache and sore muscles, both of them let their walls crumble and words come out. Jesse spoke up first.
"I'm so scared."
"Me too."
"Of what?"
"Losing you." They were in the same bed again and Rocky's arms were around Jesse's body, her eyes catching his when she looked up. They hadn't talked about it before as things had been rather simple, her health not so deteriorated and life not so painful. But it was bound to happen after months of letting people poke needles and take tests and medicine be swallowed before they couldn't not ignore it anymore.
"I'm not scared of dying, Rocky." He looked at her puzzled, fingers brushing across her skin a little more noticeably.
"Then what are you scared of?"
When she smiled, he felt like crying, and was sure that he would if it weren't for the way she rested her head on his chest and breathed easy.
"I'm scaring of leaving you." They end the conversation at that.
But when Rocky is at the hospital two weeks later, he's locked out of the room with tears falling down his face and a sick feeling in his heart.
Jesse had fallen ill again, only this time it was much worse and the doctors didn't know what to do. He hadn't seen her for hours since he was taken out of the room, his family come and gone but he wasn't leaving. He wanted to see her and even if he had to break in, he'd do it. He wasn't going to leave her so easily after everything.
Another hour passes. Another. Another. The sun was long gone by the time the door was unlocked and he was allowed in, which he did hesitantly, and he could barely walk himself to the chair without collapsing at his best friend's state.
Jesse was unconscious, sleeping, the doctor said, wires over her body and tubes helping her to breathe. It was terrifying. But he stayed and held her hand like so many times before and he just wanted her to wake up and be okay. For everything to get better and Jesse to leave this place healthy and happy.
Not for the first time, and not for the last, Rocky prayed for everything to be okay.
~~~~~
Jesse doesn't tell Rocky she woke up, or that she knows how things will end. She doesn't tell him that she has made her decision, no matter how much she knows it will hurt him and his trust in her.
But she does call him, and they never leave each other's side. He knows without having to be told because she doesn't smile or laugh or make a joke. She just looks at him with pain and sadness and they look in her eyes tells him that she is sorry. For everything he stayed through, and everything that was going to happen afterwards.
She gives him a handful of letters, each with a name on them, and he holds her in his arms one last time before everything disappears. Deep down they knew they wouldn't get out of this together, but they stayed with one another for as long as they could before it ended.
Rocky did not regret staying by her side. She made him happy, and realise that life is something you must always cherish because you never know when it's going to change.
Jesse did not regret letting him stay. He made her happy, and realise that the people who choose to be with you are ones you must never forget because they will always hurt the most in the end.
They all have one last day together; both families happy and almost forgetting the tragedy of life ending. Jesse doesn't want any of them to see her go, not her parents or her best friend, so she says her goodbyes beforehand and they are words that will stay forever. It makes her last moments feel like they were well spent.
~~~~~
The funeral is quiet and many tears are shed but the love and happiness remains in the air. There's a framed picture of Jesse at the front, smiling brightly and Rocky remembers taking the photo. It was the day before she fell sick, and everything they did that day was out of contentment. It was one of their favourite memories.
He lays his favourite shirt, her favourite shirt, under her hands in the coffin and it makes him smile. She would wear it so often he almost gave it to her, and when he realised now was the best time to give it, he knew it was the right choice.
After the funeral, he stays a while and everyone understands to give him time. His family don't mind, and he reads her tombstone with a watery smile and heavy tears on his cheeks.
'Jesse Heather Markson
05.18.1994 - 02.21.2017
Loving daughter, friend, best friend
Always in our hearts'
It's sweet how there's seemingly a special mention for him, and it's almost ironic because she always wanted him to be part of her life and for people to know it. Though after everything he's grateful.
"Don't ever stop smiling, Jesse. Yours has always been my favourite."
~~~~~
"Dear Rocky,
I know you aren't going to like hearing this, much less reading it, but I hope you know it's my decision.
I've chosen to let the doctors end things. I've been suffering too long and have hidden it from everyone; you, my parents, even myself. Though by the time you read this, I'll already be gone. I know I would have asked that.
There's a lot of things I want to say but I can't put them into words properly because there's too many to write on such little paper with even less time. But I guess I'll start simple, and that's by telling you I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for letting you suffer through this with me. Leukaemia hit me out of nowhere and no one was prepared for it. I remember you could barely look at me when I told you I had it, and how it was hard for you to visit, though on that first day you stayed with me. I don't know what made you change your mind about staying away, but I'm sorry I put you through that.
I'm sorry for shutting you out sometimes and acting like I was okay. Really, I wasn't. Everything hurt and I felt sick and wanted it all to stop without a second thought. But those times I let you hold my hand and hug me to sleep made me realise that no one else would be willing to do the same. You stayed and fought for me and made me happy when I never thought I could be happy.
But most of all, I'm sorry we had to end things like this. After getting worse and hearing what my life might be like if I continued fighting...I couldn't do that to myself, or anyone else. I couldn't do that to you. Nothing would hurt me more than seeing you upset, and I've seen you upset a lot.
Really, I wanted more time. I wanted it more than anything. Life just doesn't work that way. But what you've done for me over these last few months has make everything feel like it doesn't hurt so bad. You've made it bearable, and I can only say thank you so many times before it simply becomes words.
Thank you, Rocky, for never giving up on me, and I'm so sorry I had to leave you the way I did. But you gave my life meaning and I couldn't have asked for a better one. I hope one day you can think about me and smile without feeling any pain.
No matter what, you will always be my best friend; the person I could rely on, trust, and someone who made a t-shirt a gift that no one could beat. I asked that they be returned to you as they would have no use, and if they did make it back, make sure they go to someone just as deserving.
You are bound for great things and I hope that you continue to strive for what you dream of. Never stop believing in yourself. If you do, just remember that I have always believed in you, and will continue to do so, even if I'm no longer by your side.
I love you Rocky. Thank you for the hand-me-downs, and for giving me everything I ever needed.
Forever in your heart,
Jesse."