Lauren's POV
Deep down in my heart, I know that whatever I attempted to do in that bathroom today will never be justified or forgotten. I was selfish to think that ending my life would be better for me, but I failed to recognize that I'd be hurting everyone I loved. I look back at myself laying on that dirty, old floor and it hurts to think I was weak enough to want to give up my fight. It was the thought of knowing I would suffer and go through all that pain at school because of who I was, but nothing amounted to the pain I felt in that bathroom.
It was partially physical but emotionally, I was unable to feel love, hope, or anything else besides self-infliction. That melancholy mood hung over me like a black cloud, raining my sorrow down on me. I've never felt so much regret my entire life, and I thank God I was given a second opportunity to make things right again.
I wonder if things will change at school, and part of me doesn't want to lose hope, but part of me can't help but think realistically. Will they call me a coward? Will they wish upon my death? Will they want me to attempt suicide again? I don't know.
I just hope they begin to realize that I'm also a person, and whatever fight I'm going through shouldn't represent my thoughts, my dreams, and the person I am overall. Even now as I sit on this hospital bed, I feel this heartache like an insatiable fire that burns oxygen, leaving me almost listless and empty.
"Lauren?" A girl's soft voice echoes from across the hospital room. I immediately look up from the IV inserted into my vein and sit up all the way when I recognize the voice as Camila's. The boxer awkwardly shifts on one foot, eyes adverting towards the IV bag and oxygen face mask on my nose.
"You can come in," I swallow away the painful throbbing inside my throat, realizing I hadn't had anything to drink. I'm surprised to hear my own voice, sounding so weak and almost lifeless in a way. I choose to push all thoughts away when Camila approaches, gripping the edge of the bed with white knuckles.
"What did the doctor say?" Camila's question comes quick, unexpected. The sound of her voice after waking up is a blessing almost, knowing she had indeed given up on making my life a living hell. I sigh softly and truthfully respond,
"I told her I didn't want to know what was wrong with me," I clear my throat, removing the mask from my nose when I realize the small cup inside had run out of the clear liquid. I run a hand through my sweaty hair and sigh, "She'll tell my dads when they arrive,"
"It's been an hour," Camila whispers, confused to why they hadn't shown up yet.
"They work all the time," I look down at the hospital gown I'm wearing, knowing that the clothes I wore to school were most probably covered in my own vomit. I look up to meet her brown eyes and find that they looked darker than usual, even a bit hooded as if she were tired. "They're coming from Tampa from this business meeting, I have to wait for them for two more hours. They didn't even get to see me this morning because they got a call at the last minute..."
"Oh," Is all she responds.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out that this makes her very uncomfortable, but at that very moment, she decided to stay silent. It wasn't an awkward silence at all though, it was almost as if she were remembering what had happened a few hours ago and I didn't blame her. I didn't want her to blame herself, because it really wasn't her fault. I just needed her to understand I had enough of whatever hate she still had left in her.
"Lauren...I really wanted to--"
"Don't apologize," I quickly cut her off, my lips curling into a small grin when she grows frustrated with my response. I can tell she wants to, and it's very genuine of her but this isn't her fault. Camila's eyebrows furrow deeply when I lock eyes with her, not knowing how to convince the stubborn boxer than this was indeed not anything she did. "You'd be surprised to hear that it isn't your fault this time, it had nothing to do with you, Camila."
"It has everything to do with me,"
I watch carefully when she steps around the edge of the hospital bed, slowly sitting down so she's right beside me. I quickly look away from her when I notice she's staring right at me, her gaze so strong it's almost impossible to keep eye contact. Do I want to convince her it has nothing to do with her when she in fact made me feel broken when I first arrived to Miami High?
"I...confronted you on your first day and everyone lost respect for you because they thought you were the same person," There's a hint of regret laced within her raspy voice and it really does get to me. "I brought you pain for months almost and soon everyone began to feel like it was okay to hurt you. Brad, what he did, and then Quinn--"
"It's okay," I whisper, feeling my chest contract at the sound of the blondes name.
"If you attempted to take your life, I don't think it is," She whispers. I lock eyes with her this time and I ignore the burning in them, knowing I would break down into tears in front of her if she reminded me of it. I stare down at the IV and it almost makes me grow dizzy, my eyes blurring for a split second until I hear her voice again. "I look back at the humiliation I made you go through and it reminds me of twelve year old Camila, and it really does hurt."
"It shouldn't," I tell her. "I hurt you for three years, I humiliated you and made you feel worthless when you were the only person I secretly admired. I felt so much hatred towards you because you had it all. You had the perfect life, loving parents...and I wanted nothing more than to kill mine. It shouldn't have been an excuse to hurt you the way I did, though."
"This is different," Camila's voice shows how bad she feels about my life as a child and she even closes her eyes for a split second, almost as if she didn't want to hear about it. "I targeted you because every time I looked into your eyes, I saw twelve-year-old Lauren, that evil girl that I loathed for years. I would watch you from afar and I almost felt better knowing you were a different person, but every time you smiled at me or even fucking talked to me, I didn't want to admit you were different. I wanted--I wanted..."
"Revenge," I smile softly, knowing that was what she craved as a child up until now. "I understand,"
"No, you don't..." Camila's voice cracks. "Lauren, when I saw you on that bathroom floor, I felt like my world was falling apart. I prayed to God to save you because if you did happen to succeed in taking your life, I would have never been able to apologize to you for what I've done. I would have drowned in my own tears of regret. I felt like shit seeing you like that...I felt, scared."
I can't say anything else to her when she admits how she felt then and there, but I wanted to hug her and cry in her arms because I felt so guilty and selfish. I take a deep breath and I fiddle with both my moist hands, not knowing where I would be without her. She saved my life, and I look back at what I tried to do and I thank god I'm still here because I regret every single second of those miserable moments.
"I should be thanking you," I whisper. "You saved my life."
Camila's lips curl upwards and her intense, brown eyes find mine again. "You saved mine..."
I feel myself smiling when she tells me this, remembering the day I had felt just like she did. I felt like murdering her when I found out she had stolen my jersey, but all thoughts vanished when I saw her standing in front of that train. I felt so much heavier and I knew what she wanted to do, and something in the back of my head kept calling me a murderer as I ran. I ran and ran but that voice continued to echo through my head. It kept telling me I was a killer, that I was a monster. That I was just like my father.
"You scared the shit out of me that day," I recall.
"Why? Because I took your jersey?" Camila's lips curl into a teasing smirk. I laugh softly at her response and shake my head, wondering what the hell happened to that crap after our encounter. All I know is that I had forgotten that shirt as soon as I saved her life. I felt so much lighter.
"I would have died without you," Camila's voice grows softer. "I can't thank you enough."
"I guess we're even," I chuckle.
"Stop," She laughs softly, running a hand through her hair. I can't help but smile when I notice hers, so bright and beautiful that my cheeks heat up when her eyes meet mine. I swallow away the dryness in my throat and sit there for a moment, the silence in the room enough to make things a bit awkward again.
When I find the courage to look up at her again after a whole minute of silence, I find that her eyes are subtly looking down at my crotch. They quickly advert away to the other side of the wall, cheeks slightly reddened when my eyes find hers. I feel my heart sink when I realize what she's curious about, knowing the rumor must have spread around the school like a wildfire. I take a deep breath and realize this is something I have to tell my friends about, my girlfriend.
"Today, I felt like there was no escape," I tell her. Her eyes flicker over to mine quickly. "Quinn had revealed something about me that I've been trying to hide for years, and when she touched me the way she did, I felt so fucking empty."
Camila's eyes don't want to look into mine anymore and she's having trouble trying to process what I'm saying because deep down, I know she's angry and somewhat guilty because of it. Most all of, she's extremely confused to why I'm not denying what kids at school were saying about me. I wasn't denying the fact that I was born different because there was no lying about it anymore.
"I made a mistake today because I thought ending it was better than facing, ignorant and close minded people about my condition."
Camila's eyes widen and she almost looks conflicted.
"You've been a girl for as long as I can remember, I-I..."
"I am a girl, Camila. I was born a girl, and I've always been a girl." I inform her, knowing the trans thing going around the school had nothing to do with me. Camila can only nod, eyes locking with mine because she has trouble trying to look away from my crotch.
"Why aren't you denying the rumors at school?" She almost looks frustrated that I'm not mentioning it. I swallow the lump in my throat and remind myself that it's best not to cry in front of her, so she doesn't feel bad about it. Camila's eyes lock with mine so intensely that I have to look away from her for it's a split second.
"Because they're true," I whisper, trying to hide the hint of red on my cheeks. I take a deep breath when Camila's breath audibly hitches inside her throat, my head telling me that it's not the time to tell anyone but my heart breaking when I notice how much she begins to care about me.
"I don't u-understand," Camila's eyes find my lap for just a split second before letting her eyes flutter closed. "You're a girl, and you're not transgender. So you're--"
"Intersex," I cut her off before she says anything else. If something inside of me was telling me to keep everything to myself, it was too late to turn back now. I bite my lip so hard I feel that familiar sting and taste of my own blood. Camila's eyes burn into mine and she fiddles with her hands, confused and somewhat not believing the words spilling out of my mouth.
"You were born this way?" Camila asks, still shocked to hear the news.
"No, well yes..." I shake my head. I wince when I attempt to sit up again, feeling my side ache in pain. "Some people are born intersex and some begin to develop the opposite anatomy once they reach adolescence, puberty. I was eleven when I began to grow...it. I mean, I was always intersex since the day I was born, I just didn't begin to develop it until I was grown."
"I'm confused," Camila frowns. The boxer is a very bright girl, and when I provide her with information she isn't quite aware of, it's almost like she begins to dig through every file in her brain to come up with a logical explanation. "I've heard of this, it just sounds crazy to me..."
"It's okay," I whisper, watching each patient and nurse walk past the room. I begin to wonder if they're struggling with things at home or at school like I am, and part of me wishes they aren't. I also begin to wonder what my life would have been like if I hadn't moved this close to Miami High. I wouldn't be telling her this now, but despite feeling ashamed, I also feel a bit relieved that I no longer have to hide it from her or any of my friends. "I know it's a lot to take in, and I know it even sounds a little hard to believe, but it is true, sadly."
Camila shuffles in her seat a bit and her gaze is strong, almost intimidating. "I think it's quite fascinating. I originally thought you'd show a hint of male in you if a female was born with the opposite anatomy. You're fully female, everything about you is feminine, no one would had ever guessed it."
"Some girls do, some don't." I nod softly, biting my lip gently. "I guess I was born a freak, and now the whole school knows."
"You're not a freak," Camila mutters. "Kids at school are ignorant and close minded, they don't understand nature and they find it as a way to pick on someone who's different. They don't understand that it's okay to be different."
"Is that supposed to make me feel better?" I sigh with a small smile.
"No," She shakes her head. "I just don't want you to feel threatened at school because people know,"
"That's the thing," I run a hand through my hair, inhaling sharply when I recall all of the laughter and the names I was called at school. I sigh deeply. "I don't want anyone to know, I don't want to be accepted because I want everyone to think this whole thing was a joke. They can't know I'm born different, Camila."
I look down at my lap and find myself growing more anxious at the thought of walking those halls again with people knowing I had a dick. What would I do if I walked into the girls bathroom to find that they're watching me or peeking in between the stalls to see if the rumors are true? It frightens me to think that boys at school will hurt me or harass me because of it, too.
I feel Camila place a hand over my knee, sighing softly before looking up at me again with those big, brown eyes. "What if I were to tell you that people at school will forget about this rumor right away? That they'll laugh about it when people bring it up because they'll think it isn't true?"
My eyes meet hers right away and I feel my heart jump. I don't want her to tell me this just because it'll make me feel better, I want her to tell me this because she's actually going to help me solve this whole situation. I had hope that maybe Camila was truly beginning to help me instead of embarrass me and making me feel worthless, because that's what she had done before all this.
"How?" I whisper, knowing it would take more than convincing to prove I don't have a penis. The girls probably knew already, and they were probably disgusted and ashamed to even be my friend at this point. And Lucy, my own girlfriend. What if she breaks up with me for not telling her she was with a freak? My heart almost breaks when I think it over again.
"You don't have to worry about that now," Camila's voice grows softer, sighing softly when I frown. "I promise, Lauren. No one will ever bother you about anything at school anymore, I'll make sure. I will..."
It takes everything in me not to ask her any other questions, not wanting to worry myself further than I am as of now. I was told to rest and keep anything stressful away from me so I don't panic and I was willing to let that happen out of pure curiosity. I sigh softly and decide not to say anything else, simply nodding softly.
Only a minute of silence passes when Camila shifts against the soft hospital bed, curling her finger around the white material with a thoughtful frown graced upon her pink lips. I find myself staring at the shorter boxer, wondering what was going through her head now that she knew I had a penis. It was scary to think of the possibilities.
"You don't have to be here," I tell her honestly. I don't want her to think that she has to make things right just because I fell off track today. She didn't have to feel guilty. "You don't have stay with me,"
"I know," She nods. "I want to..."
I can't help but grin softly at her words, taking a good look at the smiling brunette until I see from the corner of my eye that there's cautious movement by the door of my room. I slowly turn and find my friends, all crying and staring right back at me as if they didn't believe I was here. I feel my heart shatter and my smile fades, my lips parting open in need to tell them everything was fine. I couldn't, though.
"Guys..." I whisper, noticing how they all walk in so slowly. They were all scared to even speak to me... "It's okay...I'm okay."
Ally is the first to sit on the chair to my right, eyes watering slightly and her hands grabbing mine with a small whimper. I feel my eyes grow watery and fight the urge to cry when I look into her eyes, which looked so hurt and almost guilty. "You sounded fine of the phone...I thought things were going to be okay, and when I saw you storm off--I didn't want to annoy you or push you into telling me anything so I left you--"
Ally's voice cracks midway and she takes a deep breath, a single tear slipping down her cheek before she quickly wipes it away and wraps her arms around me in a tight embrace. I feel the hollow space in my chest tighten and I close my eyes when I wrap my arms weakly around her slim waist. "It isn't your fault. It isn't any of your faults. You guys have been the most helpful and the most caring friends I've ever had."
When Ally let's go, a give her a gentle smile and her finger caresses my cheek with her thumb before she leans in to plant a quick kiss over my forehead. The short girl steps away and allows me to look over at the trio by the door, eyes casting over me weakly.
Dinah and Normani seem to be holding hands, eyes smudged with tears and their faces almost pale from all the crying I presume. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that they probably think it's their fault I tried to take my life, and it isn't. I told them I didn't want their help anymore because I was also hurting them in the process. They were the only friends I ever trusted and loved, I didn't want them to feel guilty.
My eyes drift over to Lucy and she's already walking over to the edge of the bed, her face stone hard and her eyes glassy but not as puffy as the rest of the girls. I realized that not once had she cried while I was away and I knew perfectly why that was, and I motion for her to walk over to me. I give her a small smile and whisper, "I promise you...you couldn't have done anything. I chose to do what I did, okay?"
Lucy nods but her nose twitches a bit, along with the shakiness of her hands when I grab hers. I bite my lip and feel my stomach tighten when her eyes screw shut in need to calm her tears. She takes a deep breath and I can see her bottom lip tremble just slightly until she opens her eyes again, a small sob escaping her reddened lips. I feel my heart break and I sigh. Nobody had expected someone as strong as Lucy to break down into tears.
"Luce..." I breath out, bringing her for a hug when more tears slip past her cheek. I didn't want her to feel this way, and I knew that if I had killed myself today, she wouldn't have lived with knowing she could have done something.
I feel her body tremble against mine and soft sobs echo through the hospital room, my neck feeling wet with her tears when I grip her tighter. I feel a shiver run up my spine when she whispers into my ear, voice trembling with angst and sorrow. "If I could feel the pain for you, I would..."
I close my eyes against her neck, rubbing slow circles on her back with as much care I can. Lucy felt so delicate in my arms, almost broken because she realized that the reason I took my life was because I needed help. She thought it was her fault I didn't get any help.
"I'm okay, dude..." I whisper, smiling softly when she pulls away with tear stained cheeks. I wipe each tear with my thumb, wiping away the wet stained on her flushed cheeks. I stare dee into her brown eyes and she gives me a small smile when I whisper, "Today never happened, okay?"
Lucy nods.
My girlfriend soon looks up when she realizes Camila had been in the room before them, her eyes curious and somewhat confused to why she would be in here. Part of my was afraid she would think it was Camila's fault, or that she shouldn't be in this room at the very moment but she surprises me when she walks up to the brunette with a small smile. My eyes widen when she suddenly steps forward to wrap her arms tightly around Camila's neck, burying her face into her best friends neck with a wide smile. Camila's taken back, eyes fluttering closed when she's finally able to hold her best friend again, arms wrapping themselves around Lucy's waist. The room grows silent and Camila looks like she wants to hold back tears, too.
"You saved her life...She's alive because of you." Lucy whispers, looking into Camila's eyes. My eyes lock with Camila and her lips part open just slightly in realization because what Lucy was saying was absolutely true.
"You did," I smile, earning a flushed smile from the boxer. "You saved me, Camila."
-
The moment I have dreaded the most had finally arrived after two hours, which was way worse than I had ever imagined. As soon as my parents walked through those hospital doors, it was chaos for the nurses and doctors who had assisted me after I had gotten out of the ambulance. I had never seen them act this way throughout all the years I've lived with them.
It broke my heart knowing I had caused them so much pain, and it made me feel like everything around me no longer mattered when they walked into my room a few minutes ago. Both were balling their eyes out, sobbing to the point where I wondered if they actually thought I was dead. My father, who was a man of no tears, a strong and hard-headed man walked in with his face stained with tears and his voice weak enough to not be heard at all.
The first thing he had told me was that he was sorry he was never there for me when I needed him the most. I could only watch him, hoping he would let me speak and tell him that it was never his fault. I had broken Ryan Lincoln, the strongest man I've ever met. Ryan was the reason I grew up to be so stubborn and strong, and today I failed him. He was the man who spoiled me and made sure I never get hurt. Ryan was the reason I fought through all these years of pain and misery because he taught me that strength was key to surviving difficult times.
Then there was my poppa, Adam Lincoln. The man who stuck by me whenever my father was away from home, whenever I was lonely or needed help. He was the reason I never gave up on school and I never lost hope, and I also failed him tonight. Adam was the one I would share my secrets with the most because he never felt the need to hurt those who hurt me like my father Ryan, instead, he would show me how to be the bigger person. I loved that about my poppa.
Then there was Vanessa, my beautiful little sister. She was never really the type to come to me with her problems because she kept to herself all the time, and she never let anyone get in the way of her colorful mood. Vanessa was the kind of girl to go on rants about how annoying someone on a tv show is or how much she prefers food over anything else or how cats aren't as evil as they look. Vaness was the type of girl to tell me to fuck someone up if they ever messed with me and to wear a condom if I ever dated because she hated the word 'aunt'.
I smile softly to myself, and it soon fades away when I realize these were the people I was going to leave behind. My family and my friends, the people who I loved the most in this world were going to be left wondering what they could've done to stop me or to help me.
"I should have just let you stay home," My father sighs, wiping his reddened eyes with his palms. I sigh softly and decide it's best for him to let everything out, to let all of his thoughts and angst out now that he was here with me. I turn to look at my poppa and find that he's already nodding, gripping his temples with a small frown. "I just didn't imagine--"
"Father, it wasn't your fault." It seemed like I was telling everyone this at this point.It was no one's fault, it was simply my own fault. Sure, I was going through some trials and tribulations but it didn't mean I had to turn to such a cowardly instinct. "I chose to do what I did..."
"No," My father sighs, fisting the bed sheets. "Those kids need to pay for what you've done, have the police reported anything else? And that girl? That disgusting girl, has she been arrested as well?"
"Dad.." I take a deep breath.
"Lauren, I know you don't want any trouble, but you have to realize that this wasn't some prank or name calling, she should be arrested for what she did to you. That Brad boy, too. That coward needs to go for harrassing you and hiring someone to do this. Both will go to jail, as well as the woman who jumped you."
I sigh and tug on the thin IV, wanting badly to remove the sharp needle from my arm. I feel someone grab my arm and I turn to see Camila's raised eyebrow, her hand moving mine away from the IV. I sigh softly and she grins, sitting back down on the chair right beside my bed.
"I can't let you go back to that school until I feel like it's time," Poppa sighs, burrying his face in his hands. I had ruined their day and I felt extremely bad for it, knowing they were so proud of me for not letting anyone get to me. My father grabs his hand and places a delicate kiss over it, rubbing his back so the stress wouldn't get to him.
"Lauren, if you feel like you need to transfer--"
"Poppa, I'm tired of transferring..." I complain, my voice cracking from the lack of moisture in my throat. I turn to look at Camila and she looks troubled, almost afraid my answer was going to be a 'yes'. I shake my head and her features soften, turning to look at Lucy beside her who smiles softly.
"You, dear--" My father stands, offering his hand for her to take. Camila shakes it firmly and offers a small smile. "I don't think you told me what your name was."
"My name is Camila Cabello, sir..."
"Beautiful name, a pleasure to meet you." He smiles, his accent enough to make Camila smile. "I haven't seen you around with the group before, are you a friend of Lauren's?"
"Dad, so many questions--"
"I'm just curious," His hand reaches over to soothe my cheek, his smile never faltering. Meanwhile, poppa wasn't as playful as my father, still not letting go the fact that I could have taken my life today. The older man sits in the chair to my right, his eyes never leaving his hands with that deep frown I hate. My father was also hurt by the fact that I would do such a thing, but one of the things I loved about him was the fact that he liked to make things better. He liked making everything more comfortable.
"I'm also a friend, yes." Camila's lips tug into a smile. Lucy's eyes widen and she turns to look at the boxer, a surprised and somewhat uneasy grin tugging at her pink lips. Camila's eyes refuse to meet mine, so I choose to look away, feeling my heart flutter at what she had just told my father.
"Camila called the ambulance when she found me in the bathroom," I tell them quietly, locking eyes with a pair of beautiful, brown eyes. I grin to myself and look away when I feel her fingertips brush over mine gently, "She saved my life today..."
My words are cut short when a ragged gasp is heard. Both men look beyond grateful but it was almost as if they didn't believe Camila was responsible for saving my life today.
"Y-you...you saved our daughter," My father breathes out, clutching his chest with both hands. I smile to myself when poppa springs up from the chair in the corner and walks over to the girl, letting out a relived chuckle before wrapping his arms around her petite frame. "You saved my child,"
"It was what any decent person would have done to save someone as special as her," Camila's voice is soft, almost relieved as well. I feel my heart swell and my cheeks begin to brighten when I feel Lucy's hand tighten in mine. I bite my lip and watch as my father pulls away, tears evident in his piercing, blue eyes.
"Thank you, Camila." My father whisper, taking a deep breath. "A million times, thank you."
Camila only offers a grin, her eyes lighter under the harsh lights above our heads. My eyes meet hers and her brown eyes flicker between my own before offering me a small smile, a smile I had never seen before. It was beautiful.
I look down at my moist hands when both men turn to look at me, and I know what they mean with that look. They either look at me that way when I like someone or when someone is attracted to me, and at some point, maybe it didn't cross their mind that I was dating Lucy.
"Okay!" A voice interrupts from the doorway, and I find that Ally, Dinah, and Normani have all brought snacks and drinks for the rest of us now that we've been here for over three hours. I smile and sigh contently at the smell of food.
Ally rushes to my side and she smiles at me, offering me a plate of food and a small drink. I look down at the plate and find that she's brought me a salad with a side of various toppings. The drink I take from her hand is a bottle of apple juice, and I can't help but smile. "Thanks, Al. My favorite."
"Dinah brought your plate, Lucy.." Normani nods over to the blonde. I glance at Normani and she's also holding an extra plate of food and I presume it's for Camila. "Here's yours, Mila."
"Thank you," She murmurs, accepting her slice of cheese pizza and banana. I glance at my dads and notice that they're holding each other, having eaten on their trip two hours ago. They promised they wanted nothing else to eat and part of me hoped they weren't feeling sick still from the ride over there after they knew what happened.
"Are you guys sure you don't want anything?" Ally asks my parents, holding up her plate of food suggestively. Both men shake their head, silent. I sigh softly and stab at my salad, thanking Ally for adding ranch and all the other toppings on the side.
When it's clear to us that both men no longer want to be bothered with any other questions, we decide to eat in silence.
There's a lot on their minds. And it's all my fault.
-
Camila's POV
What exactly was I allowed to say around her...around her friends? I felt invisible around everyone else and a voice inside my head told me that each of them still thought it was my fault Lauren was laying on that bed. Both men by her side stood by her side thinking I was a close friend of hers and now that they know I saved her life today, they most probably won't ask any questions.
They won't know that I was the 'boy' who ruined their daughters life when she first arrived at Miami High.
I place my plate down, my half eaten pizza sitting there with a banana peel over it so hide the fact that I hadn't eaten it. I glance at the trash next to Lauren's bed and toss the plate before anyone can notice, deciding to lean back against my chair to inspect the girl.
"Lauren, baby, you have to eat..." Her father tells her, sighing when the green eyed girl shakes her head stubbornly. I didn't blame her for not finishing the salad, she had eaten half of it but she looked just about full. I didn't know her parents' names, and it was getting hard to remember who were her father and poppa. I was assuming her 'poppa' was the English man with blue eyes and curly brown hair, and her father was the blonde man with a very serious posture.
"Are you full?" I ask her, offering to take the plate away from her so she wouldn't have to eat the whole thing against her will. Lauren nods and hands me the plate quickly, causing me to smile softly when I realize she's an exact image of Sofia when she doesn't want to eat. Lauren's eyes turn to look at both men again and she sighs.
"When will I get to talk to Vanessa?"
We all stare at them expectantly, wondering when she would get to see her little sister. I'm sure if Sofia had done anything like that, I would want to know if my sister is okay. Especially if Vanessa's a lot older to understand what her sister was planning to do.
"Lauren, you know you can't do that." Her father sighs, crossing his arms over his chest. "Vanessa is at a tournament out of state and if we are to call her and explain what has occurred, she'd never be able to play another game without thinking about you. You know how she is, she'll want to come home right away."
Lauren frowns, "State finals was a dream of hers for months now..."
"Exactly, dear. We'll tell her when she gets here in a week."
I frown when Lauren nods sadly, sighing with an oddly adorable pout. It was difficult for her to act like everything was okay, and part of her probably wishes she had thought about it beforehand now that those she loves are also hurt. She hurt me...I thought I was going to lose her over something that happened years ago.
What Lucy had told me a few weeks ago was true. I didn't hate Lauren, because I could see that deep down she has changed to someone better than the Lauren back in middle school. I hated the fact that she grew beautiful and open minded, and I couldn't wish upon anything bad happening in her life. I couldn't live with myself knowing I was hurting someone who already had scars and troubles.
"The doctors said that whenever you're ready to leave, you can do so..." Lauren's poppa grabs his daughter's hand with a small smile. "Do you want to leave?"
"Yes, take me home, I...I don't want to be here anymore," Lauren's voice is weak, trembling with eagerness. It almost makes me want to hold her hand and assure her that things will be okay, but it's something I'd never be able to do after today. I look down at my lap and swallow away the small lump inside my throat, noticing the pale color of her skin.
It was making my heart break as each second ticked by, knowing that part of the reason she was suffering was because I was afraid to admit I liked Lauren more than I did twelve year old Lauren.
-
"Will I be able to go to school tomorrow?" Lauren's quiet voice echoes through the silenced car. I keep my eyes locked onto hers as she looks up to ask her father the same question the second time today. I notice the lighter gleam in her eyes, how clear they look as if I were looking into a reflection of ocean blue. Even after everything that's happened, after her stomach was flushed and after she was forced to take medication, she looks as beautiful as ever and it annoys me.
I quickly look away and sigh into my palm, staring out of the car window. I wish I had taken a ride in Ally's car with Dinah and the rest of the girls. I just couldn't object when they asked if any of us would mind staying with Lauren this weekend while they worked. They didn't want her anywhere near the school at the moment and I was actually happy to take care of Lauren after everything I've put her through.
Of course when I volunteered to stay with her, Lucy wanted to stay with us as well because she felt like she needed to see her girlfriend during moments like these. I couldn't let that happen. Lucy had already done so much for Lauren and I felt like she was already doing so much to make the green eyed girl so happy that it almost made me feel a little bad. I wanted to make up for everything I did and if it meant staying alone with her this entire week than I would certainly oblige.
"Why do you insist on going back to that place?"
"I don't know," Lauren sighs, pouting as she places a hand under her chin. "Why not? I don't want people to think this whole stunt is for attention or because I need pity...I just want to go back and let everyone know that I don't care about what they think of me. I want everything to go back to normal."
"I know you do, honey..." Her father trails off, looking unsure of what to say to something like that. "I just don't feel safe letting you walk through those doors knowing everyone will make my little girl feel like a freak."
"I-I think your dad's right," I turn to look at her quietly, awkwardly meeting her eyes. I shrug and play with the slight crack on the corner of my phone before looking up at her again. Those eyes looked at me curiously and I almost didn't want to say anything else. "I think you should give them time the to forget about thing and maybe cool off with the rumors. I told you I'd take care of things, right?"
Lauren nods, still not looking too convinced. "Are sure you want to do that? Won't your mother mind? You're staying at my place for an entire week and I don't think I should intervene with your education--"
"One week is nothing," I shake my head with a convincing smile. "I'll go to the school every morning to ask for any assignments I need to finish and I'll turn everything in on Friday...my mom will definitely be fine with it."
My mother's gonna kill me.
Lauren raises an eyebrow, "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive," I grin softly, feeling my cheeks heat up when her plump lips curl into a pretty smile. I quickly look away when her eyes linger for just a split second, her bottom lip stuck in between he teeth goofily. There was that smile again that I fucking hated.
I sigh to myself and ignore the image of her smile inside my head. Why did she have to be so damn pretty and why did I have to be so damn gay?
"Camila, you have no idea how thankful we are for you..." The older man in the front seat sighs, sensing how comfortable I am in being part of this whole situation. "We're busy men and we're almost forced to take care of her and her sister and if I decide I don't want to work for an entire week, I'll get fired--and my husband--"
"I know, sir..." I quietly, not wanting him to stress over the situation now that he had a lot on his back. There was denying that the company he worked for was no low salary company in which employees were allowed to slack when they wanted to. These men were rich people. I wouldn't know anything about the struggles they have to go through in order to take care of their kids and I felt for them. "I'll be fine with Lauren, I'll make sure everything's okay around the house and I'll cook for us if I have to..there's nothing to worry about."
Before any of them can say anything or even thank me for that matter, I hear Lauren's weak voice croak softly. "You can cook?"
I nod, "Some things, yeah..."
Lauren's lips curl into a small smile and she nods slowly,"I'd help you but I'd burn the kitchen down."
I chuckle softly and a small laugh escapes her plump lips, soft and raspy like even after a sore throat. I smile to myself when she looks away with a small grin, knowing we were at least making some progress. I didn't want thing to become awkward between us more than things already were, but the fact that she was at least giving it a try was good. I, on the other hand, was sort of unsure of this whole new relationship--I mean, can I even call it that?
Lauren doesn't consider me her friend and I can't call her one either when we've hated each other for the past eight years. Can I even bring up our fucked up past knowing that it would affect me every time I'm around her, especially at times like these. I can't even think about the days she made me feel useless as kids, because they bring up things inside me that I want badly to push away.
"Did you ask your mother?"
"What?" I blink hard, turning to look at a curious Lauren, brows furrowed deeply when I blush out of pure embarrassment.
"Your mom?" She asks again. "Did you ask if you could stay over tonight? Or are you coming tomorrow early in the morning?"
I turn to look at her father and his eyes are already staring into mine questioningly. My eyes flicker between a pair of enticing green ones and curious blue ones, wondering what the hell I would do with such intensity.
"I-I don't know," I answer truthfully. "At around what time do your dads leave for work?"
"Around six," Lauren answers quietly.
My eyes widen. Six in the fucking morning. I'd have to get there before six to ensure that she doesn't do anything we wouldn't want. The doctors have advised us to keep an eye on her and prevent her from staying alone for too long. If I ever left the house that early, my mom would freak out and ask why I'm in such a hurry. She'd ask questions and she'd never let me take care of Lauren if she found out I was skipping school.
"Can I sleep over, then?" I ask carefully, noticing the way Lauren's face flashes with confusion and almost anxiousness at my question. I ignore her gaze and turn to look at her dads, knowing they'd be on board with it one hundred percent if it meant Lauren wouldn't be alone all day.
"Of course! Anytime, as long as your parents are okay with it..." He smiles.
"Yes, of course." I smile softly, ignoring Lauren's gaze on me.
It was hard to admit that I was almost too scared to look her in the eyes because she'd send this chill down my back every time. Was it because every time I stared into them I'd see that cruel smirk and her bloody knuckles, or was it because every time I met those green eyes I'd feel my heart pound and my stomach churned because of that fucking smile?
This wasn't scrawny, pale, and ruthless twelve-year-old Lauren Jauregui. It was beginning to scare me that she was becoming this beautiful girl, this talented and kind hearted girl. So hurt, full of scars, and a terrible past.
I felt ashamed that I resolved violence with violence when years had passed. Did I have the right to be mad? Of course. But I didn't have to make her life miserable to remind her of her violent days as a child. I knew that her parents abused of her when I was a child, everyone knew. I was just never low enough to remind her that she wasn't loved by her parents so I let her. I hated to admit that I let her hurt me not so much because I was scared, because I truly was, but because I knew that if she was ever caught doing something like that, her father would literally murder her.
When I found out during the summer that she was being taken out of the home, I knew that it was a good thing for both of us. I remember hearing my mother whisper in the halls with my father when Lauren was being escorted by police officers out of the house, with her father in cuffs and her mothers limp body on the floor outside the house. We had honestly thought her father had murdered her mother at the time but when he heard on the news that Lauren was almost killed...I wondered why she lived the life she did.
I wondered if we would ever become friends if her father had never abused of her. I wondered if I wouldn't have gotten beat everyday if I was kind to her the first day I met her. Instead, I did something I knew was wrong at the time and I know it's why she chose to beat me. I shouldn't have done it...but I did.
"Where were you assaulted, Lauren?"
My head snaps up when I hear what she's been asked, having blocked out the rest of the conversation during my deepest thinking. My eyes find Lauren's and I almost hope that she doesn't tell them where she was hurt because it's over for me. It's the only place I can go to relieve all the stress and anger I usually hold back. Boxing isn't just a sport for me, it's kind of my medication.
"I was walking with the girls and I really had to go pee," Lauren begins to explain. I quickly take a hold of her had and squeeze, asking her to stop. They didn't want lies. If I wanted to help her, I needed to truly help her and not myself.
"No," I answer softly, taking a deep breath. I look down at my hands when her father stops right in front of her home, all three pairs of eyes watching me closely. Why am I doing this? I moisten my lips and stare at Lauren as soon as I look up, knowing this was for her. "Lauren and I weren't good friends at the time...we were fighting, you can say. So Lauren and the girls thought that it was good for her to watch my first match at this place against some girl and they stayed there for a while. After the match was over, Lauren stepped out and she was confronted by my ex boyfriend Bradford Williams and he paid someone to beat her. I guess...Lauren was too scared to tell anyone. But it was him, and I'm sorry I wasn't there..."
"Is this true, dear?" Her poppa glances at the green eyed girl next to me and her eyes are locked on mine when she nods slowly, her eyes hurt but somewhat relieved I had said the truth.
I didn't want her to think that she needed to protect me or anything because this was too important to lie about. If she ever had to testify in court, it would never help her get the justice she deserves. This is the first step in making up for the past few months of suffering.
"Thank you Camila, for telling the truth." The British man looks my way. "I know sometimes you want to protect each other and hide your deepest secrets from us, but sometimes it's for the best. This could make or break Lauren's case and we need as much evidence as we can and if he doesn't plead guilty then we have a lot of work to do..."
I nod, "Yes, sir."
I feel my heart beat quicker when I feel Lauren scoot closer to me, her shoulder briefly brushing over mine when she leans into my ear. I feel a chill run down my spine when her raspy voice whispers into my ear quietly, "Boxing's important--"
"So are you," I whisper back, turning to look at her again when she leans away. I can smell the faint scent of her expensive perfume, soft but strong. I almost smile when her eyes widen, that shy smirk playing at her lips when she's processed what I've said. What the fuck did I just say?
"I mean, so is this whole situation." I clear my throat, "You need justice, it's important."
The last thing I see when I look away is her amused smile before she pushes the car door open and hops out with her baggy sweater and tight, black jeans. I take a deep breath and slowly hop out of the car, shutting the car door behind me before quietly walking behind the trio. I take in my surroundings and notice how beautiful their front yard is, filled with white roses, orchids, and lilies.
"Like them?" I hear Lauren's poppa ask gently, raising an eyebrow with a soft smile.
"They're beautiful," I smile back, walking in behind him when his husband opens the front door for us. I hadn't noticed them when I first came to her home because I was so busy fighting with Quinn on the way to even notice. I walk in behind Lauren and she smiles when she notice how awkward I look when her parents walk off to God knows where.
"I think they really think we're good friends," I chuckle, running a hand through my hair with tinted cheeks when she laughs softly. Lauren only shakes her head before nodding into the direction of the large staircase and walking up the stairs slowly. I notice the way she clutches her stomach, legs slow but her chest up high.
"Lauren?" I call quietly. She turns around. "Does it hurt?"
There's hesitation when she opens her mouth, swallowing harshly when she notices my gaze over the side of her stomach. I sigh, not knowing whether it was the fact that they flushed her stomach or whether it was that painful bruise Brad left on her the night of my match. I suppose she notices the thoughtful look on my face and when her eyes grow saddened I know it wasn't because of today at the hospital.
"Can I--Can I do anything to help?" I ask softly, unsure of what to do or what to say. Lauren gives me one last glance before shaking her head and proceeding to walk up the stairs. I trail behind her and decide it's best to stay quiet unless she speaks to me first.
When I make it into her room, it's just a beautiful as the rest of her home. Unlike mine or Dinah's, her room doesn't represent one thing she loves or is passionate about because it's one whole melting pot. There are records of her favorite artists up on the wall, two beautiful letters printed above her bed painted each with a different design: L M J. There are piles of records on the edge of the table, next to the record player looking older than me. It was vintage and it probably cost more than my entire wardrobe. There's a small chandelier in the center of room hanging off the room with such elegance that it almost reminds me how rich these people really are.
I slowly walk in and shut the door behind me, my lips tugging into a small smile when a giant frame of her in her softball uniform is up on the left side of the room, hands gripping bat, head tilted up high and her gaze set on the pitcher in from of her with such a gaze that it almost sends a chill down my spine.
I look up at the roof once more when I notice quotes of different lengths and fonts printed in black all over the roof. I read over each one and I smile, knowing she would lay in bed and read every one in bed before going to sleep. I loved the concept.
The room was so elegant, that it almost made me embarrassed that mine was so colorful when hers was so sophisticated and grown. There was piano sitting across from me for God's sake, her room was bigger than my entire living room. Lauren sits on the edge of the bed and nods for me to continue looking around, shrugging softly before unlocking her phone. I glance at her for the last time before walking over to the drawer beside her bed, my fingers trailing over the dark wood as my eyes travel along the frames of old photographs.
All of them having to do with her new parents, her fathers. None were of her previous parents and I understood why.
Everything else is clean and tidy except for the pile of letters in the corner of her room, stacked almost a whole feet in a small cabinet. All of them remain closed, not one has been opened and all of them are for her. I can see on the top of the letter, the name 'Clara Jauregui' is printed in black ink and I quickly look away when I notice Lauren's gaze on me.
I look up briefly and find that her eyes are staring directly into mine, almost as if she were trying to read my thoughts. I take a deep breath and mutter, "You have a beautiful room..."
Lauren quickly breaks our gaze to look around herself, nodding with a forced grin. "Thank you,"
I nod again and bite my lip, not knowing what on earth I would do all week if it was going to bed awkward between us the entire time.
"You can sit," Lauren nods over to the spot next to her, laying down against her fluffy pillow. I glance over at the spot and slowly walk over. "C'mon, I don't mind."
I sigh softly when I sit by her, my legs shifting off the bed just slightly so my legs don't brush hers. I lean back against the frame and wonder what the girls were thinking right now. Did they think we were killing each other right now, or yelling at each other, or even hugging an making up and admitting this whole bullshit wasn't worth it.
Instead, I sit here beside her, not knowing what to do or say because things have been so crazy.
I hear small chuckle next to me and I turn to look at her, a small smile playing at her lips before she lets out a small laugh. Lauren shakes her head and simply places her phone down to her side, turning to look at me with an amused smile.
"What's so funny?" I raise an eyebrow, wondering what could possibly be funny.
"Nothing..." Lauren bits her lips to keep from smiling.
"Tell me, dude," I sit up, tilting my head to the side.
"It's just," Lauren shrugs, "You're kind of boring..."
"Me? Boring?" I scoff, "I'm not boring, I'm just--"
"Awkward?" Lauren cuts me off, raising her eyebrows.
I feel my lips tug into a smile and I can't help but laugh softly, knowing she was teasing me. Maybe this was her way of telling me she wanted things to be normal between us and although it'll be a bit hard, this is a start and I'm willing to be part of it too. "I'm not awkward, I just..."
"I know you're not," Lauren nods, chuckling softly. "You've grown extremely confident over the years, and a lot more...assertive."
"I learned to become assertive over the years," I answered her, knowing she was one of the reasons I grew up to be the person I am today. I never really understood why she yelled at me as a child and it was never really insulting, although she did call me names. She would tell me thing like, "You need to grow some balls in life," or "Start standing up to people, you're too weak".
I knew part of it was her telling herself these things because she felt weak at home and she felt like she could never really defend herself.
"Can I ask you something?" I pause, watching for any reaction. Lauren sits up and she turns to look at me, her hands folded over her lap as if to telling me to ask away.
I pause and pick at my nails, my skin a bit rough from all the tape around them from boxing. I take a deep breath and try not to make things sound harsh of as if I'm trying to make her feel bad but I really want answers. I need...closure? If I may? I'm not sure, I just need to know.
"When--When we were kids," I begin, noticing the way she shifts and clears her throat, looking up at the ceiling with narrowed eyes.
I know it's hard for her to hear and part of me doesn't want to ask anything but part of me is also thinking that maybe she needs to explain things to me. Maybe this is good for both of us. "Did you picture me as yourself?"
"I-I...huh?" Lauren's cheeks flush and she doesn't want to look at me anymore.
"I mean, did you picture yourself as me when you called me names and beat me..." I whisper. I can tell by the way she tenses and inhales deeply that I'm close to what her problem really was. I can tell that she wants to say yes but doesn't want to admit she needed medical help. As a child, I knew about her disorders because Dinah had once blurted it out when I told her I wanted to kill Lauren.
I always wondered why Dinah never really defended me as much as she did with Lauren. She would always ask me to think about the problems Lauren had but I always thought she lived a perfect life. I never took in consideration that I had loving parents and two beautiful sisters.
"Did you?" I whisper.
"Yes," Lauren answers after a few seconds, pausing before kicking her shoes off with a small wince. She lays back down again and takes a deep breath, the small cut on her small lips becoming much smaller but still present. "I never wanted to become my father, that's just not who I was or wanted to be at all. I was always brave and I was always strong throughout, but I was never really fearless. I was always scared of my father. The number one thing I wanted in life was to become fearless, not just of my father but of this fucking world. I was brave when I had to be and I fought so hard to stay strong but it never changed the fact that I was beyond scared."
I listen carefully, knowing she was beginning to open up to me in ways that I couldn't even imagine. I even wondered if she opened up to her friends or even Lucy, her own girlfriend.
"When I first came to Melrose and I found you, I found Lauren." Lauren scowls. "It's sounds really stupid but it's true."
"It's doesn't sound stupid," I tell her. "I know what you mean."
Lauren nods before pausing. It's taking everything in her not to dismiss this entire revelation but my eyes plead for her to tell me. I need to know. I have to know that she didn't beat me because I really was weak or scrawny, or unwanted. I just needed to know.
"I despised that everyone would tease you and you sat there, hopeless, with no intention of defending yourself." Lauren admits, eyes locked with the roof above her. "I despised that you had all the power to stop the bullying and you did nothing. Then I watched you for a few more days to see if you would even attempt to make a difference and you just--you didn't. What I despised the most was that you were an exact representation of my own situation, where I couldn't stand up to my father or do something to help my mother and I. I was weak, and I was hopeless, and I just showed everyone that I didn't matter. Except you didn't fear that someone would kill or rape you in your sleep, or feared that you'd come home to your dead mother. Or getting the shit beat out of you in front of everyone at school. That's why I hated that. I didn't hate you, Camila. I never did. I hated the life you lived, the perfect parents and siblings. And when Taylor, your first bully, finally left school. Your life was perfect. I hated that you were finally happy and I never was going to be. I was jealous, so incredibly jealous because you didn't feel like you'd get murdered by your own father. You didn't fear getting a bad grade on your exam because your dead was literally going to beat you cold. I just--I was just so angry all my life as a child..."
Lauren takes a deep breath and she sighs. I nod slowly to help her realize that if she needed some time or she needed to stop and push his entire thing aside, she could. What she had told me was enough for me to understand that this entire thing was because of jealousy, and I never understood until now.
Lauren was one of the prettiest girls in school, the most athletic, and one of the most popular. I didn't realize she actually didn't live a perfect life, when her father came to the school once...drunk. He was picking her up after he got a call from our teacher stating Lauren had slept through an entire test. I had never see such a gruesome scene my entire life. He slapped her and shoved her into the wall, her knocked her cold and had to carry her back to the car. No one said a word, no one told the administration. We were all too scared to even talk about it the next day. I knew I should have helped and instead I did something that haunts me to this very day.
"They had me on meds for about a year before I stopped taking them," Lauren whispers after a few seconds. "They were antidepressants for my anger issues and at some point maybe they did work, but I stopped taking them. I felt like a science project. Doctors observed me, gave me pills, injected me with all these types of needles, gave me liquid to drink. I felt like I was being used. I didn't want to live the life I did. So when I stopped taking them, I became angrier. I became violent and at some point, these thoughts inside my head almost drove me insane. They would tell me to kill my father and to run away. They told me that I was useless--"
"Stop," I sit up quickly, noticing the way her chest heaves and her eyes become watery. Lauren's hands were trembling and she looked so terrified. She looked exactly like the day she did when I fought her during her first day of school. I think she's at the brink of having a panic attack. "Breathe, it's okay. Don't tell me anything else, just--just breathe."
Lauren's eyes water and she huffs in frustration, wiping both of them before apologizing softly. I furrow my eyebrows and wonder why she's always apologizing, as if her past with her father was any of her fault. I admire her bravery of speaking up about it, but maybe she needed time before telling anyone else.
"Do you go to therapy sessions?" I ask her quietly, gazing at her when she lays back down, emerald eyes fluttering closed.
"Twice a week," She responds with her hands folded over her stomach. "You don't have to come if you don't want to, I can ask Dinah. She usually comes now that we have the same therapists..."
I nod. "I heard about that. Can I--I mean, if you're fine with it...would you allow me to join you two?"
Lauren nods again, "Sure."
I nod again and I almost feel like smiling, knowing this was a start. I could definitely live a daily life knowing that thins between us are going to be normal for once in our lives.
"What do you usually do during the sess—
Lauren's shameful smile catches me off guard when my eyes land on the cut above her eyebrow, currently bleeding quickly down the side of her face. Lauren's cheeks flush and she looks down at her finger that's also stained with her blood. I knew she had been picking at the scab before when we sat in the car, something she does when she's anxious.
I sigh and mutter softly, "Don't pick at them, they'll leave scars."
Lauren hops off the bed when a single drop of blood stains her bedsheets, hurrying towards the bathroom with a loud sigh. I follow behind her and open the door to find her over the sink, looking at herself in the mirror with a scowl before huffing and wiping more blood away. The scan was pretty big, and I was want surprised she was bleeding that much.
"Another scar," She chuckles.
I ignore her comment and whisper, "Here, let me help."
I grab some toilet paper, it being the only thing I can use to wipe the blood away. I wet just the tip of the cloth with some warm water before carefully wiping away the trail of blood on her face. Lauren's eyes stay stuck on the wall behind me, eyebrows furrowed tensely and her lip in between her teeth carefully, not wanting to also open the cut on her lip.
When I toss the bloody paper away, she shifts on one leg and crosses her arms over chest. "I can do this on my own, y'know..."
"I know," I grin softly, gathering more paper to wipe away the last of it.
Lauren sighs and her eyes finally meet mine as I dab at the cut, "I have a feeling this won't be the last time you'll be cleaning me up like this."
"That's not true," I lean against the wall after throwing away the rest of the mess. Lauren's fingers drum against the glass doors of her shower, nodding to my statement but not fully believing it herself. What else could I tell her? I couldn't predict the future but I also knew that I would do everything to make sure she doesn't go through it again.
"You don't have to justify what I did—"
"I'm not justifying that," I tell her truthfully. "I just think that things should remain in the past so our future can work out a little better. I should have realized that bringing us the past can only hurt us both now and I honestly don't want that anymore,"
Lauren nods quietly.
"Which is why I don't think I'll have to clean you up ever again," I smile a little. "Maybe if you keep picking at your scabs, then sure...but besides that, your face should remain the way it is."
"That's pretty ugly," Lauren laughs softly, admiring herself in the mirror, referring to the cuts on her face that were few.
"You're not ugly," I blurt before I have time to take it back. Lauren's eyes meet mine and she offers a small smile, running a hand through her hair with tinted cheeks. I do my best to keep from smiling and try to keep this from getting awkward.
"But anyways," I clear my throat. "I think you're afraid to defend yourself sometimes. I know you can, you did quite the face arrangement with Bradford. I don't think I've ever seen someone that strong, or quick like that. I'm a boxer I should know..."
Lauren shakes her head with a small chuckle, "That was out of pure anger..."
"So you're telling me you weren't angry when Brad did what he did? I would have flipped him inside out."
"I know," Lauren grins. "I just...I don't like hurting people anymore."
Her voice drifts off and I immediately regret asking. "Oh."
"The last time I fought someone, way before Brad, things got ugly..." Lauren sits over the sink and I decide to take a seat on the furry rug underneath me before leaning against the wall. I look up at her again and find that she's looking guilty. "It was sophomore year, when kids fed on teasing people for being different. Some asshole crushed all my pills and threw them out, and they were important and extremely expensive. He and his friends pretended to snort crack and when I came back, I found him with all of my pills. I was just so damn angry. I broke his nose...I broke his arm, and I knocked him cold. Everything was just spots of red when I was beating him, it was quiet around me. Just this quiet ringing sound and the sound of my breathing, and I couldn't hear the teachers around me begging me to get off him..."
I swallow away the lump in my throat and look down at my hands when she grows quiet, not knowing what exactly to say to such a thing. I know she has her own difficulties and I knew she copes with things differently so I don't blame her behavior in most cases. Lauren's eyes are glued to her hands, fidgeting against her lap as if she regretted telling me.
I quietly mutter loud enough for her to hear, "I think he deserved it."
Lauren's eyes meet mine, "What?"
"I said he deserved it," I tell her again. "I'm glad you broke his nose, actually. I don't think I could have handled an asshole like him and it's almost reliving to know you kicked his ass..."
Lauren's lips quirk into a grin and she chuckles, shaking her head. I smile when she looks away, cheeks flushed at my revelation. I don't think I ever noticed the way she dealt with things when we were at school, but now that I look back at all those years of misery, I know that she really did need someone. Lauren thought I was her personal coping method, which wasn't surprising considering she would tell me things I never truly understand.
"Why do you let me beat you like this? Why don't you ever fight back? Stop being such a coward, I need you to stand up for yourself for once in your miserable life,"
I didn't understand until now. She was telling herself these things because she wanted to get better.
"Lauren, it's important to know how to defend yourself..." I look up at her once more when things get quiet. "If it's one thing I learned from being kids is that you were right. The world will be cruel sometimes and at times I'll have people who'll try to hurt me. You always asked me why I never fought back and it's because I was scared. I learned to push that fear away and that's when I started boxing. Over the years, I become so much better and I grew passionate for the sport. Because of you...because you taught me to be strong, surprisingly."
Lauren's eyes furrow deeply.
"Yes, Lauren..." I chuckle. "It took years of getting my ass kicked to realize I could no longer take it, that I needed to be stronger for myself and for those I loved."
Lauren's head dips and she hurries her head in between her knees, nodding softly. I can see the hurt in her eyes but I don't mean to make her feel bad, I want her to think realistically and realize that she needs to push her fear out of the way and start making something out of it.
"How about I teach you the basics of boxing this entire week? Maybe longer if you like them," I suggest, smiling softly when she peaks out from in between her knees to look me in the eye. Lauren's lips purse and she shrugs, nodding softly when I raise an eyebrow.
"You'd help me?" Lauren asks quietly.
"I promised I'd make thing right and I'll try do everything to follow through with it," I stand, smiling when looks up at me with a wide grin.
This is a new beginning for us...it has to be.
-
A/N
Enjoy fuckers, I was too lazy to make it longer because I lost my binder and I had all my homework in that shit and I'm feeling shitty.
Let me know what y'all think as always bc that's always important to me.
As always, have a wonderful day/night. Stay safe, and know that you're loved. And if you need someone to talk to, PM me, I'll always answer (: