This fic was inspired by true events in my own life, so I have written the full account for my own records and for those interested.
XO,
Anika
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Although there have been many experiences of unrequited love/intense crushes in my life, one in particular was the inspirations for You are My Heaven.
His name was Matt.
After graduating from culinary school, it took me a few months to find a job and I also had wrist surgery somewhere in there. I finally found work at a bakery, feeling very green and nervous.
(Note to anyone who cares: having a culinary degree does not make you a pastry chef or chef of any kind. School gives you the very basics, working is how you gain experience. Unless you have insane connections, you still start at the bottom and that is COMPLETELY OKAY. Seriously. I've had some awful jobs and some good jobs and now a great job, all valuable experiences in the end. Now you know. )
About a week after I started this new job, they hired another new person. A guy. He walked in wearing his white chef's coat and checkered pants (our uniform). Some people just look really good in chef whites. He was one of them. We were awkwardly introduced by the pastry chef because I'm an awkward person and I was especially shy back then. He was not traditionally attractive, but I was intrigued by him. He had a confidence about him and I just wanted to know more about him instantly.
Matt was a little bit taller than me (which is impressive since I'm 5'11"), a little soft around the middle, and a few years younger. He also graduated from culinary school recently but worked at his uncle's bakery a little while and then in Mexico a few months before they kicked him out for not having a work visa. He was not phased by that at all, by the way. That's just the type of person he was.
Originally from California, he looked like the antithesis of a surfer dude but actually was a surfer dude. Pale skin that sunburned easily and the blondest, curliest hair I ever did see. His unruly curls were just adorable. He kept the length just above uniform regulation, since the rules said his hair couldn't touch his collar. With his curls, he got away with it for a long time. For a young guy, he hated most modern music, preferring classic rock and oldies. The only recent band he liked was Modest Mouse. Hearing them always reminds me of him. As do The Doors, CCR, and the song "Hot-Blooded" by Foreigner. It's an inside joke.
He has such an off-beat sense of humor but when I got him to laugh, it was just he best. There's a local free newspaper we used to get and read the hilarious editorials. We would do the crossword puzzle too. I'm a wealth of weird knowledge and he reads a lot (we both do) so we did well. Or we would use Wikipedia to cheat sometimes. The work computer was blocked from most websites, but wikipedia snuck under the radar so we'd read random articles and learn new things.
I promise we really did work hard and did our jobs, but there was quite a bit of downtime when we got snowed in or waited for the morning pastries to bake. I started coming in early with him just for that alone time. I knew I had a crush on him but he had no clue. He was just an open and friendly person, making friends wherever he went. I remember a time when a girl from another department on the resort walked in and started talking to him about going snowboarding the next day. I was insanely jealous, although I had no reason to be. Maybe they were a thing, maybe not. It shouldn't have mattered but it did.
So a little while later, I mentioned that I would like to learn how to ski or snowboard, because I hadn't attempted either. We worked at a ski resort, by the way, so we got free passes. I casually (probably not at all casual) mentioned that it would be nice if someone could show me the ropes, and he offered to help me. He was just that kind of person. We set up a day to go and I was excited/terrified.
The day arrived and after work, he helped me get some rented gear and we walked out on the bunny slope. It was a long, cold, hard day of me embarrassing myself in front of my crush. But it was time spent with him, so I thought it was worth it. I fell sooooo many times, almost lost my board sliding down the hill, nearly tripped him getting off the chair lift, and my last fall of the day was a full-on faceplant resulting in what we call a Yard Sale, meaning my gloves and hat fell off, nearly lost my goggles, and in some cases an individual can have skis pop off. Not the case with snowboards, since they're tightly strapped to your booted fit. I was done for the day.
He was so incredibly patient, though, and on that last fall, I lied still a bit too long gathering my bearings which concerned him so he scrambled back up the mountain somehow to get to me. He was the sweetest. Clearly I had no control over my heart at that point.
I went snowboarding the second time, despite being so incredibly sore after the first, but I promised myself I'd try again. Matt had gone out boarding earlier and said he'd see me later, so I went out on my own. Chairlift was still problematic but there was improvement in my "skills" and after a few runs, I felt better about it. Even carved around a lift pole flipping from toe edge to heel edge. That possibly means nothing to anyone reading, but trust me, it's hard in the beginning.
Once I got back to the top, I maneuvered myself to the side so I could strap my boot back on the board and then I noticed someone watching me. There are a lot of skiers and snowboarders who wear black pants and blue coats with a beanie so it took me a second to realize it was him. He finally spoke and said he had watched my last run and saw me carve around the pole and was impressed. He complimented me on my progress. I about died. He was the sweetest. I plopped ungracefully down next to him in the snow and we talked a minute before he went back inside for the day.
The third time I went boarding, I was completely alone and it was worse than the second somehow. My board slipped out from under me three times getting off the chairlift and resulted in the most spectacular 8" round bruise on my hip. I have pictures. I couldn't sleep on that side for 2 weeks. After that I did get better and went out boarding for real with Matt. I just followed him the first time and that was probably a bad idea, since he was much better than me but I actually held my own. He would zip ahead and I would hesitate and struggle and fall, but it was mostly fun. I just wanted time with him, to be honest.
Christmas time rolled around and since we worked at a ski resort, the bakery was still open for holidays. Matt wasn't going home this year since he had a family trip planned for January so he volunteered to work Christmas. And so did I. Yup. I was so far gone that I gave up Christmas with my family. That tells you all you need to know, really. We listened to the Beatles all day and baked some experimental recipes for fun. He made amazing cinnamon rolls. So goooood.
I had told my younger sisters pretty much everything, since we're incredibly close, and I debated for the longest time about whether I should tell him. It had been about a year and half since I met him and I was obviously head over heels. In the end I just needed to know. Yes, we worked together and it could be awkward, but somehow one day in January after arriving at work, I asked him. It was terrifying. As the words left my mouth, I had tunnel vision with a pounding in my ears. The fear in my veins made my body think it was life or death, adrenaline rushing through them.
"Matt, um...do you have any feelings for me besides, like...as a friend?"
Slight pause.
"Not really, no."
Honest. Direct. Okay then. I brushed it off and said something like "Okay, I was just curious" and went to change into uniform. I texted my sisters, gave myself a few minutes to grieve and then spent the rest of the day trying to act like my heart wasn't broken. I cried that night and wondered how I was going to continue seeing him almost every day. It wasn't his fault. He was honest, which I still really appreciate about him. He has always been one of the most genuine people I've ever met. He is nothing but himself and never pretended to be anything else.
According to the schedule at work, I had a few days without seeing him which helped. I needed time to recover. However, he showed up unexpected one day to come snowboarding. His board was kept in the office at the bakery so he walked through to get it. I was not prepared and I'm pretty positive I looked like a deer in the headlights when he walked past me. I hadn't had time to practice my expression. He didn't really react and I couldn't even say anything. He went boarding and that was that.
Time passed and it got easier. We went back to our usual routine and camaraderie. I still went into work earlier than necessary to see him, even though my heart ached every time I saw those light blue eyes. They were an icy blue color, and yet incredibly warm. He also had a quite noticeable scar on his left cheek from a car accident when he was younger. Over time I didn't even see it. It was just part of this handsome man I had fallen for.
At the beginning of April, Matt went on a weekend trip somewhere. When he came back he was talking about this small coastal town and how great it was. It took me another week before I knew what he was really saying. He had gone for a job interview and he was moving. I broke all over again. I was upset that he didn't tell me sooner (although he was in no way obligated, I just wanted to be the person that he would be open with). He had given his 2 weeks notice and was planning to drive across the country from California in a VW bus his dad had been helping him fix up.
I shouldn't have been surprised that he wanted to move on. 2 years was a long time for him to be in one place. He had a transient heart and there was more of the world to explore. I selfishly wanted him to stay but of course had no right to ask. I asked one thing of him, though. I wanted to go out to dinner and have some authentic Indian food, which I actually hadn't eaten before. He said yes. It was his last night in town and I was honored that he chose to spend it with me. We had a great time and conversation flowed pretty well. He kept getting phone calls and at one point he yelled at his phone, "Not now, I'm eating!" which still makes me laugh. He told me more about this job and how excited he was. I was happy for him. Really. I was really going to miss him, though.
We talked in the parking lot for a minute and I awkwardly asked for his email address. It was weird but I wanted to keep in touch, so he offered it to me. He gave me a hug and I drove away, watching as he sat in his car finally returning those phone calls.
That was the last time I saw Matt in person. We did keep in touch through email for about 6 months and sometimes text. I made up imaginary scenarios where I would miraculously end up in the same town as him and he would see me as more than a friend. Unrealistic, but still. And not long after he left, I finally let myself admit that I loved him. I hadn't seen every part of him, but what I had seen, I loved. And as the quote above states, he was worth it. He deserved my love, even if he didn't return it.
Despite the heartbreak, I'm so grateful that I met him. I learned so much about myself by just being around him. By being himself, he allowed everyone around him to be themselves. If that makes sense. He also helped me be brave. I learned to snowboard. I became more open-minded to other's beliefs and opinions. He introduced me to great music. And I finally discovered that I didn't have to stay in one place the rest of my life. About 6 months after he left, I moved out of state to a town I had never even seen to work at a job I got from a phone interview. It was scary and amazing and exciting. That was a valuable experience and I have to at least credit him a little for that.
It's been 7 years almost exactly since he left and I still think about him sometimes. We don't talk anymore and he's not much of a social media person, but I'm pretty sure he's still where he moved to and he seems happy. I've moved on and I still look back on my time with him and smile.
I couldn't really ask for anything more than that.