One Year Later
Stepping into your London flat, you pulled the key from the lock and placed your purse on the side table. You kicked off your high heels and spread your toes, feeling relief at last after a long day. Carrying your shoes in one hand and work bag in the other, you walked down the hall to your bedroom and changed into comfortable lounge clothes. Venturing into the bathroom to toss your clothes in the hamper, you discovering a pair of men's boxers on the floor. Letting out an amused sigh, you simply picked them up and walked the two feet to the hamper before tossing them in.
You had the flat to yourself tonight, which was unusual, so you decided to unwind with a glass of wine and catch up on tv shows you had recorded but never found the time to watch. As it grew later, you found yourself yawning and giving into the temptation of your soft, comfy bed. You rinsed out your glass and turned out all the lights except your bedside lamp. Plugging in your phone, the screen illuminated a new email notification from work, which wasn't unusual. Timezones meant nothing in your line of work so you opened it just in case, planning on dealing with whatever it was in the morning.
Reading the subject line, your stomach dropped.
The body of the email explained further and you brought a hand up to your mouth, taking in the news. You sat down on your bed, feeling the shock set in. In truth, you had known for quite some time that this day would come but...not so soon. Professionalism taking over, you inhaled a deep breath before replying to the email and drafting a statement to be sent out in the morning. You contacted your colleagues and all others who had security clearance. Pressing send on the last email, you set your phone aside before letting your head fall into your hands.
Your next thought surprised you: He should know. Straightening your spine, you considered the prospect of following that thought. Was it your place to tell him? Pushing aside your professionally-fueled need to go through proper channels, you followed your gut and pulled out your work computer. You found the proper file and clicked the name you had fixated on for much too long in the past. Highlighting his phone number, you hesitated a moment before punching it into your international mobile phone and opening a new text message.
You checked the time. It would be early evening there. What could you say? There's no good preface for news like this. You kept it simple and typed out two lines, knowing he would understand.
She's gone. In her sleep.
You pressed send, plugged in your phone, and crawled into bed. Tomorrow was going to be rough.
__________
After leaving New York, you thought it best to give yourself some space from Steve. Other than the entire Atlantic Ocean's width, of course. You were given a new, international mobile phone mostly for work, but also personal use. As you considered what information and contacts you needed to transfer from your old phone, your thumb hovered over Steve's number with a pause. It was a small thing, but at first even seeing his name while scrolling through for a different contact's name sent a pang to your fragile heart. In the end, you decided not to keep his number.
You felt guilty after the fact and regretted recycling the old phone, but this was the 21st Century. It wasn't as if there were no other forms of contact with him, should you need or desire it. You loosely kept in touch with most of the Avengers, but you all had lives to lead and jobs to do. Time passed and soon most of your contact with the group of superheroes was made through Maria. It was just easier that way.
London was incredible. After the initial culture shock and jet lag wore off, you started to see the wonderment and beauty of your new city. Your new job was a lot to take on at first, but as you came to know your co-workers and their strengths, it was easier to delegate the work and carry less yourself. On the rare chance that you were given an actual weekend free, you played the tourist and saw different landmarks throughout the city. You toured the Tower of London, rode on the ferris wheel-like London Eye at sunset, watched the changing of the guards outside Buckingham Palace, and sought out Abbey Road so you could see the famous crossing in person. You even scrawled your favorite Beatles lyric on the low wall outside Abbey Road Recording Studios, reading some of the other messages left by fans as well.
It was all so surreal to be living in a foreign country at first. Even though the spoken language was obviously English, there were still odd phrases and strong accents that would catch you off guard. You picked things up quickly, though, and soon you found yourself talking like a local, sans the accent, of course. Work and getting settled kept you busy for the first few weeks, but soon you started to feel a bit lonely. You knew it took time to make friends and how important it was to have a life outside of work. Initially meeting people was a challenge, though.
You tried to be friendly with your neighbors but never really clicked with any of them. The bar scene wasn't really your thing and those sort of interactions were the last thing on your mind for a while. Any time a man approached you, your heart lurched and you held back for fear of blurting the details of your recent heartbreak.
Oddly enough, you eventually made your first friend on the Tube. You started to see some of the same people each morning on your ride to work and one day a girl you had noticed saw the book you were reading, then making a comment. That sparked a conversation and soon you looked forward to your morning meet-ups with one trying to save a seat for the other.
You two met for drinks the next week and bonded easily. Lily was gorgeous and funny with a cutting wit. She worked as a consultant for a marketing firm that consisted of mostly men. You both relished at finally having a female friend to spend time with, finding release in shared laughter and inside jokes. You complemented each other well with a lot of similarities, but enough differences to make your friendship interesting. Evenings were sometimes spent out on the town and other times you stayed in with a bottle of wine and trashy television or a high-brow foreign film, depending on your shared mood.
Lily had a long-term boyfriend so her attention was split, but she always made time for you. A few months into your friendship, she breached the subject you generally skirted around when it was mentioned.
"I need you to remain calm," Lily spoke, grasping your hands in hers upon the pub table, immediately making you feel not calm at all. "I invited someone tonight for you to meet. A colleague of Paul's."
Panic flared in your veins, your eyes wide. "You what?"
"I know, I know. You said you're not ready and if you truly don't want to meet him, I will respect that, but he is a great guy and I think you should give him a chance. Please? For me?" Lily used her doe eyes on you, sticking her bottom lip out in an exaggerated pout.
Lily knew about Steve and what you had been through. It was difficult for you to even describe your situation. A break-up is easy to explain, but you never actually dated. Reducing your experience to a "crush" seemed inaccurate and demeaning. Your heart had solely belonged to him, even if he didn't know it. It was love, even if it wasn't shared. So if you really had to say anything about the subject of a most-recent relationship, you simply said you got your heart broken, which was absolutely true and just enough information not to elicit more questions.
His name was Liam. You resigned yourself to at least a conversation. That wouldn't be so bad, would it? Upon first meeting, you noticed that he was handsome, dark hair cut short on the sides and a bit longer on top with a pair of warm chocolate brown eyes that somehow put you at ease immediately. He had olive skin, an easy smile and a strong jaw with just a hint of a 5 o'clock shadow at this time of night. He clasped your hand in his, firm but gentle, and you each took a seat.
Conversation flowed well and for the first time in a long while, you found yourself feeling relaxed around a man. After that first night, he asked for your phone number and you kept in touch. He invited you to dinner or drinks about once a week and although you knew you were holding back some, you still couldn't deny there was a spark. Liam made it rather plain that he was interested in you romantically. You reciprocated his feelings, but confessed that it may take some time for you to fully invest in a relationship. He understood and took it slow, continuing to take you out and staying in contact through text and the occasional call.
One day at work, an email came through about an Avengers mission in Europe. You opened it and as you began to read Captain Rogers' account of how the mission had gone, you had a sudden realization: you hadn't thought about Steve at all for a few days. Maybe even a week. A text came through from Liam and it put an instant smile on your face. That was when you knew: the healing had begun.
__________
Two days after sending the text to Steve, you found yourself seated in a gorgeous Cathedral, sun shining through stunning stained-glass windows. A children's choir sang as the casket draped with the British flag was carried down the aisle. You knew Steve would be there and was assigned as one of the pallbearers but the sight of him still caused a pinprick to your heart. The tiniest of memories oozed out of the corner of your heart where he had long resided. Even with time and moving on, you knew he would always have a place there. Reaching to the side, you grasped a hand of the man who sat beside you. You watched Steve take a seat by Sam near the front of the church as the preacher stood up. He gave his remarks and then introduced the next speaker, whom you recognized.
Your eyes welled with tears as Sharon told stories of her Aunt Peggy and the strong, kind, amazing woman she was. You knew about Sharon's family ties to the former Director of Shield but kept it to yourself. She had her reasons for keeping that secret. You'd had the honor of meeting Peggy in the past before her mind began to slip and you remained close with the Carter family. Chills raised upon your skin as Sharon quoted the great woman you were all there to honor. It was especially appropriate, considering the current circumstances.
"Compromise where you can. And where you can't, don't. Even if everyone is telling you that something wrong is something right, even if the whole world is telling you to move. It is your duty to plant yourself like a tree, look them in the eye and say, no. You move," she concluded, her voice full of conviction and respect for her beloved aunt.
After she stepped down, a few more family members spoked and the service concluded as the congregation filed outside. You found yourself in the foyer, gazing into the chapel where Steve and Natasha were talking. You knew there was a tension there, given all that was happening with the Accords, but still she came. Steve's shoulders were slumped as if they carried the weight of the world upon them. Even from a distance, you could see that this was not the same man you had known a year ago. So much had happened and he felt responsible for it all, even though it was not his actions alone that caused it. New York. Washington, D.C. Sokovia. Lagos. Each of them a burden he carried, which, even with his Super Serum strength, you feared would one day not be enough.
Natasha gave him a hug and walked down the aisle as you headed the opposite direction. She spotted you, eyes wide in surprised.
"Y/N. Wow. It's been so long," she spoke, the redhead gathering you in an embrace.
"It has. I'm sorry about that," you apologized.
"Oh, I understand. Listen, I have a plane to catch but after Vienna, we should catch up," she said, eyeing the man beside you who still held your hand.
"Absolutely," you agreed, waving her goodbye.
As you approached Steve, he had his eyes closed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He looked up at the sound of footsteps and held your gaze. Shock was evident in his emotionally exhausted features.
"Y/N. It's, um...wow, it's good to see you," he stepped forward, allowing a small smile for you.
"Hi, Steve. I'm so sorry for your loss. We will all miss her," you offered condolences, feeling unshed tears threatening to fall.
"Thank you. Peggy was...she was one of a kind," he added with a nod.
You smiled in agreement, then feeling that introductions were in order. "Steve, this is Liam, my boyfriend. Liam, this is Captain Steve Rogers."
The brunet stepped forward and offered a hand while looking a little star-struck. "Captain Rogers...it's an honor to meet you, sir."
"It's nice to meet you, Liam. And please, call me Steve."
"Okay. Steve," Liam grinned, knowing that this was going to be one of the fortunate times that he wasn't going to regret meeting his hero. Steve really was as kind and honorable as everyone thought. You knew that for a fact.
"Liam, would you mind giving Y/N and I a moment?" Steve asked, much to your surprise.
"Of course," Liam replied, then turning to you. "I'll meet you outside," he said, to which you nodded.
You watched him retreat down the aisle and then turned to Steve.
There was a beat of silence before Steve spoke. "He seems nice."
"He is, yeah," you replied, still waiting.
Steve exhaled, then asked, "You sent the text, didn't you?"
"I...yes," you confessed.
"I thought so. I didn't recognize the international number and thought the only one who would let me know personally is you. Thank you for that," he said sincerely, placing a hand on your arm.
You let out a small smile, "You're welcome. You deserved to know. I'm just sorry the only contact we've had had to be like...this." You waved a hand indicating to the chapel around you.
"Me, too. Speaking of which, I had another question..." he began, then continuing as you nodded permission. "After you left there were...rumors. Some said that I might have been part of the reason why you left and I just wanted to apologize if I did or said anything..."
You shook your head vigorously, placing a hand on his massive shoulder. "No, Steve. You did nothing wrong, I promise. Um..." You paused, deciding whether or not to confess but decided this was the best time and place to do so. "I did have...feelings for you. And when I overheard that you didn't feel the same, I was hurt. But that wasn't your fault, I promise. You've always been very straightforward and honest with me. I appreciate that so much. London was the right move for me, no doubt. I just...I needed time. I'm sorry if it resulted in shutting you out."
"I understand. I thought...I really hope we can still be friends? I feel like I keep losing people and the Avengers and I don't know..." his voice cracked as you saw a flicker of the vulnerability in this strong, incredible man.
You pulled him into a hug and held him for a few minutes, knowing that finally you could truly be there for him, unselfishly. He needed you and you wanted to be there. "Of course you still have me as a friend. I'm here for you."
He pulled back with a sniffle. "Thank you," he uttered, then gathering his composure before speaking. "So, uh...how's London treating you?"
"London is wonderful," you smiled. "Work is stressful at times, but the city is gorgeous and I've met some wonderful people. It's starting to feel like home."
He matched your smile, "I'm really happy for you. And I'm glad you found Liam. I hope he treats you right."
"Things are really good so far. And thank you. What about you? Anyone special?"
"Um..." Steve's eyes flickered unconsciously to something behind you and you turned to follow his gaze. Sharon Carter stood by the side door talking with Sam. "Not really."
You gave a knowing smile. "Sharon is lovely. I've known her for quite some time. The situation may be...unique. But I know for certain that Peggy wished for you to find happiness and live the life you've always wanted. You deserve that. I know you've got a lot on your plate and never would think to put yourself first, but just...think about it. You owe it to yourself to try."
Steve gave you a teary smile and pulled you in for another grateful hug. "I'm so glad to have you back. I've missed you."
"I've missed you, too, Steve," you replied, pulling away. "We'll talk soon. Okay?"
He nodded, then stepping back. You headed down the aisle toward the exit, taking one last glance at the man who still held a small piece of your heart. Seeing him today helped your feelings come full circle. Walking through the cathedral doors, you saw Liam waiting. He pulled you into his side and pressed a kiss to your temple.
"Everything okay with Steve?" he inquired as he helped you slip into your jacket he had been holding.
"I think so. Thank you for coming with me today," you grasped your boyfriend's hand.
"Of course. I'm always here for you," he assured you, offering his arm as you walked toward his parked car down the block.
He opened the passenger's side door for you and then stepped around the car. You stood for a moment, taking in all that had transpired today. While your heart still ached for the Carter family and for the great loss of such a wonderful woman, for you it was as if she had urged you to be courageous and seek the closure you so desperately needed. Even your desire that Steve might find his own happiness was genuine and you felt like Peggy would approve. She always wanted the best for Steve.
You slid into the car and fastened your seatbelt as the buildings began to slip past. Stealing a glance at the handsome man with his hands on the wheel, you felt nothing but peace. As difficult as the past year and a half had been, it brought you to this moment. Things changed, time passed, love was lost and gained, home was lost and found...each step was necessary. It was easy to wish for a different path at times, but as you looked back, it was clear that you were right where you belonged.