Thursday, June 21, 2018
"Hello," Daniel says as we join each other's sides in the parking lot in front of the coffee shop we decided to meet at after my shift at the diner.
"Hi," I reply, sending him a gentle smile.
He holds the door open for me, and I slip inside, thanking him as I pass.
We place our orders- a coffee for him and a frappuccino for me- wait, pick them up, and make our way to a cozy set of chairs in the corner of the building.
I settle into the leather and take a deep breath.
"Kai," Daniel says, sensing how tense I appear to be, "you don't have to tell me if you don't want to or if you're not ready. Seriously."
"No. I want to, Daniel. I want to tell you. I just haven't told very many people, so I'm just... nervous."
Daniel nods hesitantly. I shift in my seat, and begin.
"My mom's name is Tess Merta. When she was eighteen years old, right after she graduated high school, she met twenty year old Liam Rivet. My mother's parents didn't like him at all. They warned her of him because they saw that he only wanted to use her to fulfill his own desires, but she didn't listen.
"They weren't technically a couple. They weren't dating, they didn't have the title of boyfriend and girlfriend, they were just in a relationship for... well, for sex. Liam was at least.
"When mom found out she was pregnant, she was scared to tell him, and when she finally did, he reacted just like she feared he would, and he left. She never saw him after that.
"That was when my mom moved here to Portland. My grandparents finally took the hint that their daughter was cutting off all of the strings of their relationship. I will never understand, but somehow, they let her go. They helped pay for the apartment that she moved into, where I grew up. Later on in the future, they shared in paying for my mom's college bills and stuff like that, but other than that, they left her, and me, alone."
I pause. Now's the difficult part.
"There was never a relationship between my mom and I. I certainly wanted there to be one, but she didn't. I was... a leftover to her, I guess. A remnant of the man from her past. The man that she thought she loved, and the man she thought loved her."
I avoid Daniel's eyes.
"When I was six, mom had raised a sufficient amount of money from the endless hours she worked at her jobs. Along with the financial help from my grandparents, she enrolled herself in college and medical school, her sights set on becoming a vascular surgeon.
"So, as you know, a lot of hard is involved to acquire any job in the medical field, let alone a surgeon. I don't remember a night when she had time for me. We never ate dinner together. I barely ever saw her. She left for classes before the bus picked me up for school in the mornings, and when she did come home at night, she didn't speak to me and went back to her bedroom to work. I grew independent, and I left her alone."
"Goodness, Kai," Daniel whispers when I stop for just a moment.
I still don't look at him. If I do, I'll see how sorry he feels for me, and that is the last thing I want right now.
"It takes most people nine years to get through the required four-year undergraduate degree, medical schooling, and endless amount of training and practice to become a surgeon, but my mom completed it all in eight.
"When I was fourteen, it became official. She began working at a hospital in the heart of Portland. If I thought seeing her was rare before that, I was blatantly surprised when she fell into her new work schedule. I would wake up, come home from school, and go to sleep without any contact from her. Not a text. No call. Just work.
"I was... alone all the time. So, I began to get creative. I've always been one with that kind of mind, but when I turned fifteen, I really became serious about it. My mom gave me money to buy a camera for photography, a keyboard, running shoes, and a laptop, at my request, no questions asked.
"I've always been fascinated with this city, so when I bought that camera, I took a picture of just about everything within it.
"I started to run every morning before school. It was difficult to condition myself at first, of course, with no prior experience to putting my body through that kind of workout, but I did it because it made me feel like I was starting the day off right.
"With the laptop, I began to develop and write the story that I'm editing now. And finally, I began to sing.
"Singing, writing lyrics and music, and playing the piano opened up a new window of expressing myself that isn't possible through words on a page. That feeling... there's no explaining it. I fell in love with it, and I'm guessing that's why you love it, too."
I glance up at Daniel to see an expression I can't read residing on his face. I continue.
"I never showed my mom the pictures I took. I never told her I began running. I never let her read what I wrote. I never sang my songs for her. She was and is my mother, but we... lived lives entirely apart from each another.
"So, about a year ago, she entered my room at one in the morning when she got home from the hospital. This is the summary of what she said: my talent has outgrown Portland, so I'm moving to New York to grow my reputation and build myself a bigger career. She told me I could decide if I wanted to stay in Portland or go with her before leaving my room.
"I cried for most of the night, not because I couldn't decide, but because the decision to stay was easy to make. I realized that my entire life, I had been holding on to the smallest hope that she would realize how she left me alone for so many years and would finally become who I needed her to be. That news was the final blow. I finally understood that any relationship that I ever wanted to be possible between us simply wasn't going to happen.
"In one month, mom put our apartment up on the market, sold it, bought me my current living space in the Levels Complex, purchased her own house in New York, and sent off all of her belongings ahead of her.
"She gave me a load of money and I spent the last afternoon before she left shopping for every single thing that I put in my new apartment. She formally told me that I would be expected to work in order to pay for the gas for my car, my own groceries, and the items I need at home. She would pay all my bills from New York, and I didn't know how to thank her, or if I should.
"She left without a goodbye. No hug, no strings attached, just like with her parents. And then she was gone. I haven't seen her in person since."
I force myself to breath, staring at the ground with my hands clasped together in my lap. I got caught up in my past, telling my story while leaving out the details of how many times I felt worthless, unloved, useless, and neglected throughout the years. So caught up, in fact, that I forgot I was sitting in a coffee shop at all.
I look at Daniel.
His eyebrows are furrowed together and he's just staring at me.
"You went through all of that? By yourself?" His voice is the quietest I've heard it since I met him.
"Well... over the past couple years I've had Blaire and her family, but... other than that, yes."
"Kai, I don't... I don't know what—"
"Daniel, please. I didn't tell you all that to make you feel sorry for me. I don't want how you see me to change from whatever I was to a helpless victim of a past without love. Please... please don't let that be the case."
"I promise you, my image of you as a person has not changed. It's just... no one should have to go through that," he says gently.
For some reason, it takes me a long time to say, "I agree."
***
I look around the bookstore from my position behind the desk, thinking about how I just recently told Daniel what I've only ever shared with Blaire and her parents.
Why do you trust him this much in such a short amount of time after meeting him?
I don't know the answer.
My roaming eyes happen to land on my phone, and suddenly, I remember something. I begin to write out a text to Daniel.
Kai
I almost forgot about our deal!
Daniel
Oh I didn't. I just didn't want to be annoying by bringing it up again. So you're familiar with the music now?
Kai
Yes, I've been listening to it all week :)
I trust that you will give me feedback on what I can improve.
Daniel
Of course. I can't wait to read it
Kai
How about this: I'll bring a printed copy over to your house this evening.
Daniel
That would be great, if it's not too much trouble for you! I'll text you our address :)
Wait, I thought you said you're still editing
Kai
I am, but it's more like cleaning up details and things like that. I have a full copy of a previous version that's pretty close to the current one and that's the one I'll bring over.
I turn my phone off and place it face down on the desk, feeling extremely relieved that what I told him this morning didn't seem to affect how we're talking.
Am I seriously going to hand the work of my biggest insecurity to the boy I met seven days ago?
Yes, I am.
He's leaving Portland in two days.
I feel a pang in my stomach as that reality hits home. I realize how truly terrified I am of the possibility of him traveling back to L.A. and leaving me and all of the baggage of my past behind in Portland.
He wouldn't, would he?
You don't know.
It has happened before, after all.