for you. yoonseok

yoongi's bloodshot eyes perk up a bit, but he says nothing and solemnly stares at the grey tombstone in front of him. the one with the words, "jung hoseok, our hope and angel" engraved into the grey rock.

yoongi tenses up as namjoon sympathetically pats his shoulder. "it's been three years," the taller boy realizes as a sad smile grows on his face.

yoongi's bottom lip trembles and he nods, before putting his head down again.

"you come here every week?"

"every day," yoongi replies quickly, wiping his eyes.

namjoon breathes out softly as the fragile silence slowly fills the air again.

"i miss him." yoongi mumbles.

"i know you do." namjoon responds, his voice is remorseful and overflowing with sad sympathy. "i do too."

it's silent again. but different. a despairing, mournful silence that leaves the two to think. yoongi doesn't want to think. he wants desperately to stop thinking. his mind was never not swarming with thoughts of his dead lover, the thrill of when they were together, the gorgeous, enchanting memories they shared. but of course, the flat line of death. the dead heartbeat that couldn't get out of his head. hoseok is a ghost in his mind, lingering around in old photographs and flashbacks that made yoongi's heart ache.

he is still so heartsick. so very heartsick.

"he loves you," namjoon says, as he steps back, staring solemnly at the tombstone.

"he loved me," is the curt response.

"hoseok—" namjoon halts as yoongi flinches at the name, the boy's hands twitching and his head sorrowfully tilting down.

namjoon inhales slowly. "you were with him when it happened."

yoongi's breaths are short and sputtery, his mind was welcoming the flashbacks he tried so hard to forget, but every time he let go they came back strong and vibrant. the hospital scene. crying and screaming. the stupid flatline...

"yoongi.." namjoon calls gently, his breathing is so calm and steady, alluring almost.

"i can't—" yoongi chokes out. he wants so badly to smile, just once, for hoseok. but no matter how many picture-perfect memories there were, they always ended the same. the horrifying, hideous flatline. he detested that awful sound with all of his being.

some kind of rage overtakes him. what is he doing here? is he here to mock me? here to force me back into the world again? what is is problem?

"why are you even here?" yoongi spits out. he doesn't want to be pitied.

"where were you yoongi?" namjoon asks, his tone growing gradually louder. "where were you at the memorial? where were you at our graduation? where were you when seokjin and i's wedding last year!?" the tall boy's voice is wavering, consumed with his raw emotion.

"i'm grieving!" yoongi yells.

"for three years?" namjoon's voice broke, "i needed you yoongi. we needed each other."

"...i-i just can't do this without him..." yoongi whispers the last part. his anger quickly dies down and tears trickle down his cheeks. "i can't live... without him..."

three years of hell. three years of so much pain. three years of waking up in the morning, his mind blank for a few seconds. then he remembers. jung hoseok is dead. the torturous reminder replays every single day, tearing his heart apart with every memory. the empty side of the bed. his scent, the faint aroma of rich honey, that sometimes falls upon yoongi's clothes.

namjoon doesn't understand. he can't. he understands in some way, but it was different. hoseok was his friend. hoseok was yoongi's best friend. his boyfriend, his soulmate, his everything. namjoon still had a life. a long, beautiful life ahead of him. a beautiful marriage, a beautiful house, beautiful children...

yoongi had nothing.

"imagine namjoon. imagine watching jin getting stabbed, getting hit by a train, drowning, screaming, dying over and over and over again. and every time you try to save him you can't. then you wake up and you remember he's gone," the words viciously flew from his mouth. he looks down, and his voice grows smaller, "then, you remember you're gone too."

namjoon stares at him, shocked and completely frozen.

yoongi finally lifts his gaze away from the tombstone and to his old friend, peering up at namjoon with his bloodshot, tired eyes. he's trembling again, shaking uncontrollably like he was at the hospital all over again. he is weak. his legs are weak, his hands are weak, his entire body is weak. his longtime grief seems to paralyze him, in a way.

"i'm alone namjoon," yoongi croaks out. "i lost three people. i lost my boyfriend, i lost my best friend, and i lost myself." he sniffles, closing his eyes as more teardrops stream down his face. he feels so soulless and empty; there was so reason to live anymore. when hoseok died, so did yoongi's future. he doesn't see why he was still alive. why he still goes on, when he was stripped of his only happiness. meaningless. his life is just so meaningless.

then a strange, pleasant feeling passes through his shivering body, from his toes to his fingertips. he realizes it's him. namjoon is hugging him, carefully holding the feeble boy to his warm chest.

yoongi buries himself onto namjoon's coat, weeping and soaking up the soft fabric. he chokes on his cries, stopping every few seconds to take a short breath before he is slung back into his hysteric, torturous howls of heartache.

"i'm sorry..." namjoon says gently, as if he was only a small child. yoongi says nothing, still miserably whimpering and quivering.

"we lost hoseok," namjoon whispers, "i can't lose you too."

"h-hobi," yoongi sobs into namjoon's jacket. now his heart hurts from not only hoseok's death, but the newfound guilt he stored deep inside himself. he's neglected namjoon, his only friend, for so long. namjoon was right. they needed each other. and even if it wasn't enough to heal yoongi, at least he could repay namjoon in a way.

namjoon pulls away and carefully gazes at his old friend, his slow-blinking eyes warm and comforting.

"you still have me. you still have seokjin. i know it's not the same, and it never will be, but, you aren't alone yoongi."

yoongi sniffles, before he looks up and sees the sunset. it's breathtaking. the blue melts into a powder pink and then a vibrant shade of coral. the billowing clouds of violets and lavenders linger there, somewhere in between the misty gradient of light pink and gentle blue. the descending sun is light yellow, comfortably resting in a sea of tangerine sky and emitting its golden rays into the balmy air. the moon is rising, blue, mysterious, and now looming out of the distant black hills.

he turns away, trembling, as he gives namjoon a slight, hesitant nod. namjoon almost smiled. almost.

so yoongi walked; he stepped away from the dreary tombstone. he held his head down and cried, but continued on with namjoon.

he knew namjoon was right, yoongi had him, seokjin, and others.

but it would still never heal the shattered shards of his heart.

yoongi is alone, and will always be.

he can't do it now, he can't do it soon.

but maybe... one day he will.

i promise a smile. for you, hoseok.