"He forgot all his recent memories"
"He only remembers up to 2013 right?"
"How does that work?"
"That is such a terrible time to be back on"
"So he remembers you but he has no idea who we are?"
I hear their murmurs ringing all over my head, I still have a lot of questions but the answers I've only been given I somehow had to accept without understanding any of them.
I shut my eyes tighter trying to even for a little bit clear my thoughts and gather everything I know is true right now.
'Okay Ryder- breathe, go over them again- one by one' I thought to myself.
One, I was shot twice.
Why and how nobody is telling me but I'm not sure I wanna know just yet. One demon at a time.
Two, I've been in a five month coma.
This one the question as to why is number one- that I know.
Three, I'm temporarily paralyzed from the waist down.
Again thanks to number one.
Four, I've forgotten all my recent memories- everything wiped.
I'm supposed to be turning twenty in two months.
Five, I'm engaged to a woman I've never seen before.
Maybe I have but I wouldn't trust my memories right now.
And six, I have no fucking idea how I should get on with everything.
My eyes spring open and I'm staring at the ceiling idly, their silent conversation still ringing all over my ear like they weren't whispers at all.
Silver subtly glances my way and she starts walking towards me, my eyes shut slowly and I heaved a deep breath in mentally preparing myself.
"Good morning" she says gently.
"Morning" I replied still with my eyes closed.
"I'm sorry did we wake you-" she half stutters.
"Probably" I answered quick and short as if avoiding a conversation.
"um-" she began as if trying to search for something else to say or ask but my eyebrows furrow deeper and I release a sigh.
She remains silent but I still sense her being near, I open my eyes slowly to stare up to the ceiling- not giving her a glance.
"I'd like to rest for awhile, could you ask everyone to leave for now" I said in the flattest tone I could muster.
"ye-yeah I'll tell them" she replies quickly.
She turns to walk towards them but I stopped reaching my hand and tugging on her sleeve.
She stops and turns her head to look at my hand holding on to the thin fabric of her shirt.
"close the door when you leave" I said immediately, letting go of her sleeve.
She's still wide eyed but gulps down and forces a smile up her lips.
"Okay, um is there anything you need before we leave?" she asks with shaky voice, her eyes glossy but I see her trying to hold them in and keep it together.
My heart is feeling knots and something inside me is telling me to say something- I snapped me head to the side to avoid looking at her any longer.
"Just my mom and sister-" I muttered to the air.
I hear no response but soon hear faint chatters from where they were all stood and then the sound of everyone shuffling out of the room quietly.
***
Weeks and weeks of tests, MRIs, routinary check ups and more haze inducing drugs but I'm still right here- with missing memories and barely moving legs- they now feel something at least
Barely talked to anyone but my mom and Gemma
I haven't even keep track on the date but Gemma just told me my birthday is tomorrow.
"Seriously we've been watching these re runs for about a month now- since when did you like crime shows?" Gemma asks just before she shoves a piece of hobnobs in her mouth.
I was about to answer when suddenly her question intrigued my mind, when did I start liking crime shows? They usually bored me to death and just change the channel at the sight of them.
Then the grim thought creeps in making me scoff and turn off the TV.
"Maybe since I got shot" I said sarcastically.
Gemma snaps her head in my direction with a deep frown just before hitting my arm lightly.
"It's not funny" She warns.
I raised my eyebrows to her and gave a sideways smile then closed my eyes.
"I'm not laughing either Gems-" I trailed.
She didn't respond and right there once again, I let myself get drowned on all my thoughts- thoughts that I don't think would ever leave me.
I need answers. I need to find some sort of way for myself- through all these emotions and brewing anger.
Somehow getting swept by my ranging brain I drift to sleep and for what felt like the shortest peace I've felt- the slightest sound of people shuffling in the room takes me back.
My eyes start to squint tighter and slowly flutter open,
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY RYDER!"
The cheers make my head snap sharply to the left causing a slightly painful thud inside, my eyes now wide open and I see my friends and the people I don't recognize along with my mum and Gemma holding balloons, right in the middle is Silver holding a cake with a smirking cartoon replica of me.
"Do you like it?? Silver worked hard for it!" Karlie says excitedly.
"Hey we helped!" Selena protests.
Karlie looks over her with wide warning eyes, I sighed and lift my back slowly making Gemma run to my side to help me sit up.
Silver starts to hesitantly step closer towards me after a slight push in the waist by Karlie, I watch her as she gulps down nervously looking down as she walks towards me.
For some reason there's an urge inside me wanting to make her feel less nervous- to make her feel better rendering me confused and making my eyebrows crease together.
"She's your fiance idiot" The voice inside me all but yells.
She reaches the side of my bed and she holds the cake close to me, I watch her silently as she forces up a smile in her lips.
She manages but it doesn't reach her eyes, my eyes for some reason search her face for something-
"Your eyes are swollen- stop crying and get some sleep" I said just enough for the two of us to hear as I help her steady the cake in her hands.
Her eyes spring up to mine evidently surprised and then she bows her head smiling, this time it reaches her ocean blue eyes giving a glint amidst the dull.
My chest felt an unknown sense of relief upon seeing her smile like this.
"So I did love her didn't I-" I silently asked myself taking my eyes off of her and stare at the cake.
The others follow to step closer with Karlie wearing a huge grin on her face, I don't miss Scoot's hand holding hers.
A silent laugh escapes my lips, so that finally happened- took them long enough.
"Happy Birthday Ryder! Hurry up and get out of here, I can't wait for you to get your memory back- don't worry about anything we're all here to fill you in on everything you might be missing" Karlie says not skipping a beat.
My smile drops but I nod and force back a straight smile.
"I promise to buy all our drinks and steady you on the way out just like old times- if you work harder to getting your memory back brother" Scoot says laughingly with thoughtful eyes.
Something in the side of my brain throbs and I feel the familiar dark emotions that were for a second gone start to take over my chest once again.
I barely hear what the next people are saying- the thoughts and the bottled anger and helplessness brewing inside me is taking away my senses.
"it'll be just like before"
"Trust me you'd want to remember me again"
"Like you always do"
"we miss you"
They go on and on- everyone's starting to slightly blur in my vision but I see them all smiling as they talk and wish about getting my memory back- how everything will be just like before once I do.
I heave a deep breath in and lift my hand to massage the side of my head with my finger- I can't take anymore of this.
"Because this is so miserable and pathetic, let's all just rave about how it was right? When everything was so great" I interrupted Nick from speaking using a slightly louder voice, shaking my head and laughing emptily and humorless.
All of their smiles drop and I see my mom look over me worriedly, Silver's hand start to shake as I see the cake wobble in front of me.
"I'm sorry for being so depressing for all of you- so for the mean time, while I'm still this no memory and barely moving person you all don't seem to like as much- for now let's talk about how amazing it was before-" I trailed.
Scoot opens his mouth as if to respond but Karlie squeezes his arm and he thinks better of speaking.
"This is the part I say my birthday wish right? so here- I wish that we could all jump right back like none of this ever happened- because when I get my memory back everything will be so much better right?" I said laughingly.
My ranging chest taking over as the words pour out on their own.
"Like I never almost died, never got shot in the head and laid in the bed for almost a year unable to walk- once I remember everything, none of those matters anymore cause I'm fun again right? Guess I have to cling to that- happy fucking birthday to me" I finished and blew the candle just before throwing a lazy stare at Silver then laying down once again.
The room fell completely silent, with just the sound of the beeping equipment ringing out.
"Ryder..." Silver says sounding pleadingly.
"If we're done relieving the amazing past Ryder we all love, can the depressing one rest and go back being pathetic now?" I said cutting her off from saying more.
I see my mom's head descend down just before I close my eyes shut, I hear silent murmurs from everyone and soon people walking out the room.
"Silver darling I'm so sorry- he'll come around...I'll see you soon okay?"
"No it's nothing at all- I understand."
"Are you still staying at the hotel across the street?"
"Yeah-if you need anything, if he needs anything I could bring it here-"
"Thank you darling- take a little rest okay?"
I hear my mum walk Silver out the room and as the door closes, I spring my eyes open and already I see Gemma's eyes narrowed straight at me.
"You had to be that much of a brat?" she sneers slightly rolling her eyes.
I turned the TV on and gave her a lazy look.
"I'm not ready to talk about what's to come when I don't even know what's happening" I answered flatly but in a serious tone.
"They're only trying to-"she began but Again, I wasn't having any- not yet.
"I said I'm not ready Gems." I said softly.
She holds my gaze for a few seconds and then nods but soon a sly smirk curves up her lips- she's up to no good I just know it.
I watch her stand and head to where the cake was placed, takes a slice and walks right back to the seat next to my bed.
Subtly sliding my eyes sideways as she takes a fork full of the cake in her mouth.
"Is that carrot cake?" The question slips out my mouth.
Gemma's smirk turns to a mischievous grin and slides her eyes sideways pinning them on mine teasingly.
"Yup" she says popping the 'p' and licks off her finger tauntingly.
My eyes roll slowly away from hers as I shift my head to look over the TV mindlessly.
"But you don't want it right? Cause you hate your friends and this is from them. So more for me" she goes on while I respond with a shrug.
She continues eating the slice and already I wanna try the cake but I say nothing.
"Karlie's breaking into modeling- I think she likes modeling more and more, she's killing it" she says out of the blue.
Still I don't give her any response instead still mindlessly stare at the TV.
"Zayn's about ready to drop music, Rick and Selena's going strong, Abigail just landed a major brand while Andrew I hear is being drafted for pros-" she goes on making my eyebrows furrow and turn my head to her direction looking over her confused.
"Ethan's still a darling, him and Eli are still dating, Scoot's still Scoot- pretty busy and Silver she-" she continues on but this time I interrupt her.
"Gemma I don't really care right now" I said with conviction.
She rolls her eyes seemingly up to the back of her head then stands up crossing her arms across her chest.
"Stop pushing your friends away or you'll lose everyone. They care about you and they wanna be here- they deserve to be, you should be more grateful." She says warningly.
I heaved a deep sigh and turned my back from her.
"I'm grateful they care but they don't need to be here" I said stubbornly.
She doesn't respond and soon I hear the door closing.
I get what she's saying and she's probably right but the last thing I want is people seeing my like this and feeling sorry for me.
Especially people I don't even recognize, especially not my supposed fiancé.
It was soon night time with me drifting on and off to sleep when I hear the channel being changed.
"Welcome to the annual Principales awards!"
I hear the television ring out earning my attention making me turn my head to look over it.
"Silver's gonna be in this right?" Gemma says asking my mother.
I look over them curiously but they don't seem to notice as their eyes are fixed on the television.
"Yeah. It's her first appearance in a while after she cancelled her tour." Our mum answers.
Gemma nods as she intently watches over the television.
She cancelled her tour, probably because of me. My eyes shift over the television as the hosts begin their opening monologues.
All three of us watch the show religiously when suddenly the award for International artist nominee included me.
Both Gemma and our mum's head turn to look at me and they catch my eyes but I immediately slide mine towards the TV
"This year's winner is Ryder Crawford!"
All our eyes grew wide and then I see Jeff Azoff coming unto the stage to accept my award.
"Why is Jeff Azoff accepting an award for me? Where's Scoot?" I asked almost immediately.
"Scoot's no longer your manager. You two decided it was the best- Jeff's your new manager." Gemma answers casually.
"Why in the world-" I began to ask but stopped.
Do I even wanna know why I traded Hollywood's biggest manager to from what I remember an agent for a competing label.
"We fought didn't we?" I mumbled under my breath.
"Sort of- I'm not sure why actually." Gemma once again says nonchalantly.
"Ryder is still recovering but he is very thankful for everyone's prayers and support. We don't have to worry he'll be back before we know it"
"Yeah right" I sneered letting out a single laugh.
I'm alive alright- I just can't walk and can't remember what the hell happened the last four years.
Then the next award was for International New Artist, my heart leaped of a little at the mention of Silver's name.
The camera pans unto her, she's wearing a red dress matching her scarlet lips- high contrast on her bright bold blue eyes.
Although made up, I can still see the tiredness in her eyes.
Or is it gloom?
The thought overtakes my chest yet again but I shrug it off.
"Our International New Artist is Silver Jones!"
The whole place stood to their feet and erupted in cheers and applause. She hugs people sitting next to her just before she takes the stage.
"Thank you for this award, this means so much right now. Thank you for all your support and love!"
She says keeping it short, managing to pull a meager smile on her face- the one that looks just like the one she had here.
After taking the award, no time was wasted as she gets to the center of the stage to perform.
She starts her acoustic song but beyond her beautiful voice, I see the tinge of the pool of sadness she was in.
She's barely holding it together but she keeps on going.
"So you were never a saint
And I've loved in shades of wrong.
We learn to live with the pain, mosaic broken hearts
But this love is brave and wild
And I never... saw you coming.
And I'll never be the same.
This is a state of grace, this is a worth while fight
Love is a ruthless game unless you play it good and right.
These are the hands of fate, you're my Achilles heel
This is the golden age of something good and right and real."
She finishes and I could almost hear my heart beating wildly inside my chest.
I search my mind as I look at her face in the flatscreen television but nothing ever comes up.
My heart is trying to tell me something but my brain couldn't find anything.
Her eyes are glossy, she could barely hold the tears in and her face is breaking.
"She's been so incredibly strong baby. She never left your room when you were asleep. And even after you woke up she's in the hospital most of the day if not visiting other patients who are your fans or hers around" my mum says softly.
My eyes slide to hers and she stares at me intently as if wanting me to understand better.
"Just give her a chance" she finishes, her eyes soft and pleading.
My head turn to look at Silver once again, I could feel my chest melting for some reason.
She does love me.
Press Updates:
On Twitter:
@RyderUpdates : Let the prayers continue pouring for our baby's full recovery. #RyderPatrol #OnewithRyder
@AngelCrawford : @RyderCrawford stay strong! We're all with you! all my love and prayers cupcake! #OnewithRyder
@RydeorDie : sending all my thoughts and prayers to not only @RyderCrawford but to his family and friends as well. Also @SilverJones stay strong for our Ryder #OnewithRyder #StayStrongSilver
@SilverWatch: @SilverJones giving smiles when she's one who needs it the most. Such a strong kind hearted woman. #StayStrongSilver #OnewithRyder
@Goldslife : @SilverWatch so disgusting how the media reports how Silver ignored the paparazzi while they're ASSAULTING her and calls her diva but not a single word about all these 🙄 #StayStrongSilver #OnewithRyder
On Perez Hilton:
After it has been reported that Ryder Crawford has suffered an attack by his fiancé Silver Jones' stalker at the night of their engagement, the media has gone crazy to have the slightest update about his condition and the recipient of this are the people close to him especially his collection of A lister friends!
Things have gone absolutely nuts for his friends if it wasn't already bad for them with their own fame, now they have to deal with the harassment for Ryder's condition every single time they so much as see the light of day.
Here's Gigi and Zayn stepping out of Gigi's apartment greeted by tons of paparazzi right at her doorstep!
Zayn is obviously not thrilled about it one bit while his supermodel girlfriend hides half of her face behind her designer shades.
Ryder's previous manager Scott Jacobs isn't exempt from the paparazzi hounding as he can't move two inches without being photographed or questioned about his best friend.
He has addressed a few questions in the first weeks of Ryder's incident but has asked to respect Ryder's family's privacy and the superstar's fiancé Silver Jones as well as they're "still coping and dealing with the events" but even doing this didn't stop the media from doing what he asked them to and has actually became more aggressive to anyone related to Ryder as no one is saying what his condition really is.
His team and Scott only provides the information that "he's recovering and is well" but the superstar is question hasn't been seen in almost a year! This has then reportedly pushed Scott to stop talking about the whole ordeal altogether.
His girlfriend, also Ryder's childhood best friend singer turned model Karlie Pendleton has been having the same experience and at one point told one paparazzi to "please give a little respect, it's a difficult time for us to be dealing with this"
But all that reportedly did was make the paparazzi more aggressive throwing questions making her security step in and forcibly make the paparazzi step back from the A lister.
She reportedly packed her bags from her NY mansion that was crawling with paparazzi at every angle and opted to stay at an upscale NY hotel for the mean time.
One squad member isn't as sweet as Karlie with dealing with the paparazzi though, Chanel model Abigail Johnson flipped off at a paparazzi in JFK Airport when hundreds of paparazzi greeted her out, she flashed her middle finger while covering her face and telling the paparazzi to "leave her alone"
What triggered the blonde model though was reportedly one paparazzi shouting "Ryder Crawford is dead"
Eyewitnesses said Abigail went straight for the paparazzi and called him a "f*cker" right at his face.
The eyewitness recalls the incident "One of the paps rudely shouted Ryder is dead and something just went off in her she stride so fast to him and stood right at his face calling him a f*cker and a senile scumbag and told him to get a life or go straight to hell. Her security had to pull her off of the pap and practically dragged her to her van as she kept trying to get to the pap again to give him more words.
Although the model received a lot of flack how she handled the paparazzi but can we blame her? I kinda wish everyone would tell them off like she did!
Nobody deserves to be treated the way all of them have been treated especially not in such a difficult time!
Look at Rick and Selena practically covering their faces with towels just to avoid being photographed by the paps.
A source close to the couple said "as if it wasn't bad enough with the kind of attention Rick and Selena draws now they just can't go anywhere at all- they're tired and extremely worried for their friend but they're forced to deal with such insensitive assaults, they think it's disgusting and disrespectful"
Ryder's supermodel ex Klaire Furguson isn't having a peachy time as well, here you'll see the supermodel trying to shove a camera that confronted her face to face thanks to an aggressive paparazzi trying to get any sort of scoop.
If you think it's bad for the friends and ex girlfriend, can you imagine how it's like for his fiancé Silver Jones???
Scott has reportedly tripled the songstress' security protocol's tightness after her nearly being the victim of a gunman stalker if not for Ryder reportedly holding off the stalker to get to her.
I imagine she's devastated but she now also have to worry about paparazzi tearing her apart every time she goes out.
The songstress is reportedly going through therapy after the trauma and is regularly in Ryder's hospital after calling off her entire tour, which makes sense cause we totes will too!
One of the new crazy security protocols reportedly includes the blonde stunner walking backwards!
Yes you read that right poor Silver has to walk backwards just so she could visit her fiancé and take care of her mental health!
It's so sad to even think of putting ourselves in any of their shoes especially Silver's. I'd like to take this chance to say, if any publication or tabloid is seeing this please instruct your photographers to lay easy on these young people for awhile.
Give them ample time to cope and grieve about what happened, let's all be patient cause I'm sure sooner or later Ryder himself will be the one giving us what we want and instead of harassing people near and dear to him let's give them love and support along with our prayers for Ryder's full and speedy recovery.
On Celebuzz:
Silver Jones made a shocking attendance at the Principales Music Awards tonight after shutting down her entire tour indefinitely and going off of social media and any sort of public appearances!
It's the first time the pop country star is seen publicly after the infamous shooting of her now fiancé Ryder Crawford.
It goes to show just how brave America's sweetheart is but later that night, when the songstress took the stage to perform a song heavily speculated to be about Ryder, the blonde beauty broke down and couldn't hold it in!
She got so emotional mid performance evident that she wasn't ready for a public appearance just yet- more so sing a song that could very well be the same person that got shot by her own stalker!
Silver's fans have blasted her management more specifically Scott Jacobs at how they allowed or "made" her do the awards show and even perform.
Her fans are livid at how the move was seemingly insensitive and greedy to make their artist do an appearance when she isn't emotionally stable just yet fueling rumors the management wanted to generate more publicity for the songstress.
Poor Silver exited the awards show crying escorted by her team.
Her team has spoken up about the allegations of forcing Silver to attend the said awards show.
"We would never treat an artist the way people speculated we did to Silver, Scott is a close friend of Silver's and is spearhead in making sure Silver is in the most comfortable and supported place right now. We act as her safety net, we are a family and will not compromise our artist's well being for publicity. We regret the decision, we have clearly read wrong and we apologize for that"
Silver has also released a statement sent to NY times regarding the said allegations blasting her management team.
"I'd like to apologize to the entire Spanish community for what had happened tonight and for being short sighted about appearing publicly once again. I've felt so grateful to Spanish fans for the longest time that I felt so strongly about attending the show without assessing my emotional state properly, I also want to address that my management did not in any way force me to appear in the awards show but rather discouraged me strongly in doing so. Again I'm extremely sorry to everyone that was affected of what happened, I promise to focus on healing and recovering. Thank you to Principales for the amazing honor, thank you to everyone for your continued prayers."
So questions cleared, no country star was forced to do anything.
We wish both Silver and Ryder well and recovery for both!
Please bear with me with these depressing chapters!! Something we have to go through sorry!!!! Still low key hoping you like it- even kinda??? ❤️❤️❤️