*Disclaimer: I do not own the rights to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles franchise.
*Author's Notes: Here's chapter 37 of 'Lost in the Fight' and this is a real 'angsty' one.
I know I say this all the time, but thank you all so much for reading, voting, and/or commenting on my stories. I truly do appreciate it. *virtual hugs*
Thanks for putting up with me . . . =} CJ
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Chapter 37 - Free as a Burden
There were muffled words floating all around him, spoken in familiar tones, but in an unfamiliar dialect. It sounded as though his brothers had taken up another language - and quite fluently no less - but Donatello soon realized that his siblings were, in fact, speaking English. The reason the vocabulary had sounded so foreign to him was because his boggled brain was not able to translate the words yet, save for a few broken syllables.
". . . nie . . . "
". . . e's . . . ing . . . uh"
". . . Mi . . . geh . . . ph . . ."
". . . kay . . . o . . ."
As he attempted to pick apart the language, Donnie felt something gentle and soothing brush against his shoulder, but in an instant, it was gone. A hand, he guessed. It was too brief to know for certain. Curious to see who or what it had been, the wounded turtle forced his eyelids apart, only to discover that his eyes needed time to adjust, just like his brain. Everything was a complete blur, just like the last time he had passed out.
If getting injured and blacking out were a trend, Donnie was totally chic. Lately, he was to getting hurt and fading in and out of consciousness as Raph was to violent outbursts of anger and insulting -
Raph!
The mere thought of Raphael made Donnie push himself into a bolt upright position, but he immediately felt a pair of hands on his chest, pressing him back down onto the - Actually, he wasn't really sure what he was being pressed down onto, since he didn't have a clue where he was yet.
Noticing his vision was staging a slow comeback, Donnie glanced over his surroundings.
It was the lair. His laboratory to be more precise. He was laid out on the infirmary cot with a blanket draped over him. The hands pushing him down belonged to his oldest brother.
"Not so fast, Donnie. You need to take it easy." The tone of Leo's voice was unnervingly resolute and firm. He continued to press down on his younger brother's chest until he felt Donnie's muscles slacken underneath his grip.
Once Donatello had settled back down onto the cot, Leo sat beside him on the mattress. The turtle in blue leaned as close to his little brother as possible, just in case the injured turtle got any crazy notions of trying to get up again.
"Wh - What happened? Where are Raph and Mikey?" Now that Donnie was finally able to see straight, he realized that Leo was the only one in the room with him. The next thing the genius turtle noticed was that his throat was unbelievably dry and scratchy, like he had swallowed sandpaper. This was no doubt a result of heavy smoke inhalation. He was in dire need of a glass of water, but he didn't dare make such a request for fear of initiating a verbal lashing over what he had done to irritate his throat in the first place.
Hindsight probably should've told him that he was going to get his shell chewed out either way.
"Mikey went to go find Raph and bring him home. Raph . . . he, uh . . . he took off after we got you patched up." The words were cold and flat as Leo temporarily shifted his gaze towards Donnie's abdomen.
Seeing the somber expression on his older brother's face, Donatello nervously lifted up the blanket that was covering him and stared down at the bandages affixed to his lower plastron.
"How bad was it?" Placing his hand over the stark white bandages, Donnie traced his fingertips along the tape securing the gauze in place. The dressing around the wound was about the size of a compact disc case.
"You had a two-and-a-half inch piece of thick, rusty metal buried in your side, Donatello. I don't know about you, but I would qualify that as really bad." With that said, Leo pressed his lips into a thin line, like he was trying to hold something back.
The lack of pleasantry in his big brother's voice was making Donnie even more uncomfortable than his wounds were. Actually, now that the brainy turtle had a moment to stop and think about it, none of his wounds were bothering him one little bit. He was guessing that meant his brothers had given him something to ease his discomfort. Either that or he was finally getting so used to being in agony all the time, he had lost his ability to discern pain from any other sensations.
Feeling himself starting to get sidetracked, Donnie focused his attention on his side once again.
"Fascinating. The blast wave from the explosion must have generated enough pressure that it propelled the piece of metal towards me at a highly accelerated rate and the concussive force embedded it into my plastron. It's actually what's called a secondary blast injury, but it's better known as a shrapnel wound." Instead of being disturbing by the injury like his brothers had been, Donnie sounded intrigued by it. He was talking about the incident like it was some sort of interesting experiment he had been conducting.
Leo shook his head in disbelief.
"Donatello, we had to remove a big hunk of metal from your side that came extremely close to causing serious internal damage! It could've easily killed you! Forgive me if I don't find it all that fascinating."
One look at Leonardo told Donnie that his oldest brother was trying desperately to rein in his anger, but it was pretty obvious that the leader was struggling to keep his rage at bay. That was probably because Donnie had given his brother so many reasons to be enraged with him.
"You could have gotten yourself killed going after the Foot on your own like that. You know where there's one Foot, there's usually more lurking in the shadows. You could have been walking straight into a trap."
"I expect that kind of reckless behavior from Raph, but not you. You're supposed to be the smart one."
"What you did was incredibly dangerous and stupid, all right. Here I thought Mikey was the bonehead of the family."
All of the unkind things that kept echoing inside of Donatello's head were constantly lending themselves to other applications and situations. It seemed like the hurtful phrases were relevant to every little screw up that he made.
Maybe that's because you keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again, shell brain!
It was no wonder Leo was mad at him. Donnie had goofed up so many times now, he had lost count.
"No . . . No, I suppose you wouldn't given the circumstances." The genius turtle's voice trailed off guiltily as he got that sad puppy look in his eyes. It was a look that would normally soften Leonardo's disposition when he was ticked off about something, but not this time. The leader's face appeared to be locked in an eternal scowl, which caused Donnie to start shifting on the cot uneasily. He knew that scowl all too well.
"Listen, Leo, I'm really sorry. I know I messed up, again. I'm sure Raph was a total train wreck because of me." Not wanting his big brother to see the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, Donnie turned his face away. In doing so, the wounded turtle's gaze fell upon the ugly scar on his shoulder. The mark was normally covered up by his sling, but right now, it was out in the open for all to see. Donnie couldn't stop himself from staring at the unsightly disfigurement.
It was a permanent reminder of his incompetence.
It was a permanent reminder that he was broken.
"Raph carried you all the way back to the lair. As you can imagine, he was pretty upset. By the time he got here, he could barely string a sentence together, let alone help me treat your wound. He was even more incoherent than Mikey, which is saying a lot. At least he managed to tell me what happened before he completely lost his ability to speak. You're lucky I was able to keep my head on straight or you would've bled to death." There was both bitterness and hurt lacing Leonardo's words.
After returning home with his unconscious little brother in tow, Raph had struggled to keep himself together while he watched Leo clean and stitch up the gaping hole in Donnie's side. As soon as his older brother had finished dressing the wound, the hotheaded turtle had let out a monstrous roar and stormed out of the lair. Mikey would have gone after his angry big brother right there and then if not for Leonardo telling him that Raphael just needed a little time alone to blow off some steam. It was the same thing Donnie had always told Leo when he wanted to chase down Raph after a heated argument.
Having heard the palpable disappointment in Leonardo's tone, Donnie's heart plummeted to the floor. He had let his family down, yet again, and his entire being was filled with remorse. Especially after what he had done to his immediate older brother.
Raphael may have acted all impenetrable and tough on the outside, but his brothers knew what a big softy he could be on the inside. They also knew that he cared for them very deeply, even if he would never willingly or openly admit to it. There was nothing he wouldn't do to protect any one of them from harm. Donnie distinctly remembered one time, when Raph was in charge of him and Mikey, just how badly the hothead had freaked out when their baby brother had gotten hurt. The genius turtle had never seen his temperamental sibling so shaken up or at such a loss for what to do. Raph had blamed himself for what had happened to Mikey, even more so than Leo did whenever something bad happened to one of them when he was in charge. Raphael had been an absolute mess that day. Donnie just hoped that his big brother wasn't out there somewhere blaming himself for what had happened to him, just like he had when Mikey had gotten injured. The brainy turtle couldn't stand the thought of Raph hurting because of his foolish decision to go off alone.
Before Donnie could mentally criticize himself any further, his oldest brother's voice pulled him out of his thoughts.
"He's been gone for about an hour now." Though Leonardo had not been deliberately trying to make Donnie feel even worse than he already did, that's just what the blue-masked turtle had done. Then, Leo went and added, "At least he took his T-phone with him." This statement, unlike the previous one, was fully intended to make Donnie feel even worse than he already did. The obvious jab to the smartest turtle's lack of common sense was the verbal equivalent of kicking someone when they were down on all fours, crawling in the depths of despair.
"I . . . I'm sorry, Leo." Unable to bring himself to look at his big brother, Donatello's reddish-brown eyes continued to stare at his wounded shoulder.
A full minute passed before either of the turtles spoke again, both futilely looking for the right words to say. Leo was worried about pushing Donnie away. Donnie was worried about letting Leo in.
Finally, it was the older turtle who spoke.
"Donnie, what you did tonight . . . it was - " Pausing for a moment to think, Leonardo struggled to find a suitable adjective. Donatello recognized this and was quick to provide assistance.
"I believe the word you're looking for is stupid. Am I right?" The response made Leo flinch and his expression turned grave.
Donnie clumsily pushed himself up into a sitting position, and to his surprise, his brother didn't make any attempt to stop him, nor did he try to help him sit up.
It was a sure-fire sign that something was weighing heavily on Leo's mind.
"Donatello, you're anything but stupid. I'm just trying to understand why you did what you did after everything that's happened." As Leo spoke, he reached out and placed a hand atop his younger sibling's uninjured shoulder.
The moment Leo made physical contact with him, Donnie shifted his eyes down to the floor like he was searching for something. What he was actually doing was purposely avoiding Leo's dreaded 'I'm not going to stop harassing you until you tell me what's bothering you' stare.
Can't they just accept the fact that I'm an introvert and leave me alone?
"Look at me, Donnie. Please."
"What difference does it make if I'm looking at you or not? Why don't you just go ahead and say it already, Leo? What I did was incredibly shortsighted and brainless."
After drawing in a deep breath, Leonardo removed his hand from Donnie's shoulder and patted the genius turtle on the knee while responding. "That's not what I'm trying to say."
The condescending patting was more than Donnie could stand. He couldn't take it any longer. Something inside of him snapped and he was suddenly shaking with frustration. He was sick and tired of everyone walking on eggshells around him. He was sick and tired of being patronized all the time. He was sick and tired of waiting for things to get better. He was just so sick and tired of everything . . .
"Stop treating me like an infant, Leo! We both know what you're really thinking! It was stupid! Admit it! Just like the night I got captured! Just like the night I fell from that fire escape! And hey, as long as we're at it, there are plenty of other fine examples of my ineptitude that come to mind! How about the time that Metalhead almost killed you guys, or the time that Timothy went after April because of me, huh? What happened to Spike! Remember, that was all my fault, too! Let's not forget when I tried to break April's dad out of the Kraang detention facility on my own and went and let the Newtralizer out! Not to mention I locked Mr. O'Neil and I up in a cell so you guys had to come and rescue us! Wait! I forgot about the part when I failed to notice that Mr. O'Neil had a mind control device implanted in the back of his neck! That nearly got April and Sensei killed! Oh, and giving Mikey the T-Pod! That definitely ranked right up there in my long line of dumb moves!" Donnie could have gone on and on had he felt so inclined, but he needed to take a little breather. His throat was not quite up for such a thunderous tirade.
"Donatello, look at me." This time, Leo's bid for his brother to make eye contact with him was more of a demand than a request, but still, Donnie just kept his eyes stubbornly fixed on the floor. If anything, his eyes had veered even further away from his big brother's stare.
"Face it, Leo. The fact of the matter remains that I'm stupid and I screw everything up. You don't have to sugarcoat it for me. Just tell me the truth for once." The tone of Donatello's voice took on a stinging quality that sounded eerily reminiscent of the tone that he had used during the argument that he and his oldest brother had had just before the genius turtle had run off from the lair that fateful night he had just about died. The very same argument that had ended in Leo striking Donnie.
The turtle in blue cringed at the memory of hitting his little brother, but at the same time, he found himself cringing at the thought of what that Foot-bot would've done to Donnie had Raph not gotten there when he did. Their brainy brother had willingly put himself at risk after all that had happened. Leonardo was torn by a fusion of remorse and anger, wavering between being the good guy and hollering at Donnie for being so unbelievably reckless.
Pulling his hand away from Donatello's leg, Leo noticed that his little brother's knuckles were turning white from squeezing on the bed sheets so tightly. The oldest turtle had heard the disgust in his wounded brother's voice, but now, he could actually see it. The leader couldn't help but wonder what right Donnie had to be mad after what he had just done. If anyone should be mad, Leo was sure it was himself. He had trusted his younger brother and his brother had betrayed that trust.
No, Leo wasn't just mad. He was furious.
Against his better judgment, Leonardo finally let his growing indignation take the helm. Weeks of pent-up frustration came cascading out and before he knew it, some crazy turtle was ranting and raving at poor Donnie. It was as though Leo was watching himself from a distance. Too far removed from his own rationale, Leonardo couldn't stop the blue-clad turtle sitting next to his broken little brother from saying the many things he had been bottling up inside for so long.
Thoughts better left unsaid rained heavily down upon Donatello who was not emotionally stable enough to cope with them. He absorbed them like a sponge, silently taking in the hardened words without objection.
"Fine! You want the truth? It was stupid! You went out and just about got yourself killed again! For what? What exactly were you trying to prove out there, Donnie?"
In all honesty, Donatello had braced himself for a scolding, but not for the likes of this. It was like a faucet had been turned on and Leo's every last ounce of anger was pouring out of the tap all at once.
Apparently, the gloves were off, and Leo was making up for lost time.
If Donnie's sunken posture was any indicator, the words hurt . . . a lot. He shrank away from Leonardo as the older turtle continued to unleash his rage in verbal form. Donnie found himself wishing he could just disappear or simply beam out of there like he was on an episode of 'Space Heroes.' Unfortunately for the genius turtle, transporter beams had yet to actually be invented. It had been on his to-do list since he was about five years old.
With beaming aboard a spaceship officially ruled out as a means of escape, Donnie next considered pulling himself inside of his shell and never coming out. It wasn't exactly a courageous or mature way of dealing with the situation, but it was a way of dealing nevertheless.
The voices in Donnie's head then joined the fray and started knocking him even further down. Leo's latest harsh words almost followed right along with the harsh words that were previously recorded in Donnie's brain. The ones from all the other times that the 'genius' had messed up.
The present Leo and the past Leo volleyed hurtful comments back and forth like a lengthy point in a tennis match.
"You know that Shredder is looking for you now, but yet you went off on your own and put yourself in danger!" Present Leo scathingly remarked.
"You went off and almost got yourself killed!" Past Leo countered from inside of Donnie's head.
"I thought I could trust you, Donnie, but apparently not! We left you alone for one night and look what happened! Is one of us going to have to stay behind with you at all times to make sure you don't go wandering off by yourself?"
"I can't babysit you all of the time!"
"You know you're in no shape to take on the Foot on your own!"
"If you can't handle yourself around one Foot Soldier, then . . . "
Just when present Leo was about to power serve his next biting comment, Raph blew into the lab with gale force and immediately stalked towards his older brother.
"What the shell is going on in here?"
There was no mistaking that Raph was ticked off and ready to rumble.
Not wanting a fight to break out, Donnie quickly went about trying to calm his hotheaded brother down.
"Oh, good, you're back. You two were just in time to hear Leo telling me how worried he was about me." Somehow, Donnie was able to withhold any trace of sarcasm from his voice. It was quite the feat.
Leonardo grew unusually quiet as his guilt-ridden eyes gazed over at Donatello. His genius brother had covered for him without hesitation after he had just gotten done yelling at him.
Oh, Donnie. I'm sorry. You deserve so much better . . .
Unfortunately, even though Donnie's intentions had been good, his endeavor to keep the peace had failed miserably. Raph's foul mood hadn't improved one little bit.
"That's not what it sounded like to me! It sounded like he was chewing you out!" As Raph snarled out the words, he edged closer and closer to Leonardo, purposely invading his older brother's personal space. No one knew just how to twist Leo's bandana into a knot the way that the red-masked turtle did, and vice-versa.
"Raph," Donnie moaned out when he saw the cold-blooded look in his most volatile brother's green eyes. Even if Donnie hadn't been the so-called genius of the family, he would have had no trouble recognizing this look for what it was.
An act of war . . .
Oh, for the love of all that is science, is there not one turtle among us that is capable of learning from past mistakes?
As if to answer Donnie's unspoken question, Leo pushed himself up off the cot and got right up in his temperamental brother's face before saying, "Stay out of this, Raph!"
The genius turtle couldn't help but to roll his eyes.
If Raphael was an open tank of gasoline, Leonardo was the careless lighter. The closer the two of them got to one another, the more probable an explosion of epic proportions would result.
One explosion a night was more than enough for Donatello, so he was quick to intercede.
"Raph, it's okay. I told Leo to be - "
"No, Donnie! It's not okay! What's your problem, Fearless?" To further emphasize his point, Raph gave Leo's right shoulder a little shove. It was something that the leader in blue did not take lightly, but he chose not to retaliate for Donatello's sake. He knew his second youngest brother would be upset if a fight broke out in his lab, and so, Leo just loomed over Raph like a statue, trying to intimidate his brother into submission with a hostile glare.
The problem was, Raph wasn't easily intimidated. Especially not by his high-and-mighty big brother.
"Have you been waiting this whole time for another opportunity to harass him? The second we all leave the lair, you start riding his shell again? Haven't you done enough to him already? You're supposed to be helping him, not making him feel worse!" The comments were followed by another push to Leo's shoulder, this one considerably more aggressive. Raph was clearly trying to get a rise out of his older brother.
"You're out of line, Raph! You disappear from the lair because you can't contain your temper, and then you show up, acting like you never left. You instantly assume you know everything that's gone on since and start making wild accusations." There was a heavy dose of disdain in Leonardo's voice, but his outward appearance remained disturbingly calm.
Raph could see that Leo was holding back for some reason, but the hotheaded turtle wasn't about to let that stop him. Years of experience told him just what buttons to push to make his older brother see red. Hamato Raphael was itching for a fight and he was going to get one.
The two oldest turtles were now leaning so close to one another, their faces were nearly touching.
Things were about to go nuclear.
"Don't try to make me the bad guy here, Chief! I'm not the one constantly belittling him every chance I get!"
"Belittling him? That's what you think I've been doing? I'm the one who's spent the most time trying to help him! You and Mikey have all but given up on trying to get him to talk. I'm the only one of us still trying!" Without even realizing it, Leonardo squeezed his hands into tight fists at his sides while he bared his teeth ever-so slightly.
"Hey, that's not fair! I've been trying to do stuff with him the whole time, too, but he never wants to do anything other than work in his lab!" As soon as Leo had dropped his name into to the mix, Mikey had rushed up next to his two oldest brothers so that he could put his two cents in.
"I knew it!" Raph jabbed a forefinger into Leo's plastron as he continued with his eruption. "I knew you would turn around and throw that back in our faces, Leo! You've just been spending more time with him so you can lord it over us! You know how hard we've been trying to get things back to normal around here! We've tried everything to get him to act like he used to! Heck, I even sat and listened to him read some four-page article about coastal wetland conservation because I thought it might get him to open up some. Guess what? It didn't! That's a half hour I'll never get back."
"Dude, I had to watch some show about NASA with him. Worst. Show. Ever." Mikey looked at Leo and Raph as though nothing they could say could possibly compete with the torture he had endured by being subjected to 'smart' TV.
"Um, hello . . . I'm still sitting right here," Donnie groaned, tossing his hands up in the air in disgust. Of course, his brothers hadn't actually heard what he had said, too caught up in their bickering to notice.
As Donatello sat there listening to the argument carry on, he was growing increasingly exasperated. His brothers were once again talking about him as though he wasn't even in the room anymore, referring to him as "he" and "him." It was bad enough he had been reduced to a pronoun, as though they had forgotten his name, but now, they were openly admitting to spending time with him just because they felt obligated to do so. Not because they had actually wanted to.
Way to build up my self-esteem, guys . . .
"I'm not lording anything over anyone! I'm just saying that maybe instead of reading comic books, hanging out with Casey, or complaining all the time, you could've been putting a little more effort into helping him!"
"How about I put a little more effort into knocking your teeth out? You just think you're so much better than all of us! Well, if you're so perfect, than why didn't he tell you where he was going tonight? Why did he keep it a secret from Mr. Fantastic? Because you're not having any better luck getting through to him than we are! That's why!"
"Dude! What is wrong with you guys? Are you even listening to yourselves? Do you want him to run away again?"
While his siblings continued to ignore him so they could yell at one another, Donnie gingerly slid down off the cot. His brothers didn't even notice he was now standing, which was not necessarily a bad thing. They most likely would have turned their anger on him for getting up.
Donnie carefully shifted the majority of his weight onto his uninjured leg and made sure it was good and stable before moving away from the cot. Taking a couple of cautious steps forward, he stopped just a few feet away from where his three brothers were squaring off . . . or rather, 'triangling' off. The wounded turtle wanted to keep a safe distance from the confrontation, remembering what had happened the last time he had tried to break up a fight between his siblings. He had no desire to repeat that dreadful experience.
The oral part of the fight was now in a tailspin, nearing its crash and burn. The three bickering turtles' comebacks were getting choppier by the second and far less thought-out, to the point that they had pretty much resorted to petty name-calling back and forth. Donnie heard them use such classics as: tool, dill weed, gasbag, dork, loose cannon, egomaniac, ding-dong, prima donna, jerkwad, and even princess. The genius turtle would have called them all a bunch of compensatory narcissists if he thought it would do any good. It's not like they would have known what that meant and he really didn't feel like explaining it.
Maybe I should get them all a thesaurus for Christmas this year, Donatello thought, but quickly decided against it. Raph's vocabulary was plenty colorful enough as it was. There was no sense in providing the hotheaded turtle with a reference that could teach him new and inventive ways to offend someone. That would be like giving an arsonist several gallons of lighter fluid and a ten-pound box of matches.
In the meantime, the fight continued to rage on and the insults were getting more and more abusive, hitting below the belt, so to speak. Donnie knew that if he didn't stop the verbal assault soon, a physical one would follow. That's because the smartest turtle knew that his temperamental brother would grow tired of coming up with clever insults and he would eventually just decide to pop one of them in the beak. That would initiate a battle royale that Donnie was so not in the mood - or condition - to clean up after.
"Guys!" Donnie howled, but his brothers didn't miss a beat and their insults started to push well past the PG-rating. It was only a matter of time before Raph blew a gasket.
"Guys! Stop it! Would you just listen to me for once in your lives?"
This time, Donatello managed to get through to his brothers, but only because he had hollered so hard, his voice had nearly given out from the strain he had put on it.
Having heard the desperation in their genius brother's voice, the three fuming turtles finally stopped yelling at each other and slowly turned to see that Donnie was on his feet. He was standing there, staring at them through teary, reddish-brown eyes, clearly heartbroken beyond measure.
All three of Donnie's brothers instantly shrunk inside of their shells when they thought about the many selfish and inconsiderate things that they had just said during their argument. They could only imagine how badly they had hurt their already-injured brother by making it sound as though he was irreparable and nothing but an inconvenience.
Donatello peered up at them with so much anguish, it was literally devastating to see.
"Please . . . I don't want you to fight over me anymore, okay? I . . . I'm just so tired of fighting." It was a struggle for Donnie just to get the words out. While he spoke them, he wrapped his arms around his middle in a vain attempt to console himself.
Leonardo stared at Donatello in dawning horror, absolutely terrified of what his little brother had truly meant when he had said that he was tired of fighting. Donnie had looked so utterly broken and defeated when he had said it, it scared Leo to no end.
They all knew that Donatello was suffering from depression, but was he really so far gone, he didn't want to - No! Leo couldn't even complete that thought. It was too much to bear.
"Do you want to know why I went off on my own tonight?" The tone of Donnie's voice was almost unrecognizable. It was so laden with misery, he sounded nothing like his normal self.
Donnie's brothers glanced at each other for a moment, and then, silently nodded for him to continue. None of them were really sure that they wanted to hear their genius brother's reason for leaving, but at the same time, they didn't want to discourage him from speaking. Not after they had all worked so hard to get him to talk to them.
"It was because I wanted to prove to you guys that I wasn't useless . . . but you know what? The only thing that I proved is that I am." Though Donnie had dipped his head down to convey his shame, his brothers could still see the already desolate expression on his face deepen into something more, making him appear as though he was hopelessly lost. His sorrowful eyes were shimmering with unshed tears as he continued to condemn himself.
"I . . . I'm nothing but a burden to all of you. Even before I was injured . . . I was just a weak and useless burden. And now, I'll always be a liability, dragging you down. You should've just let Tiger Claw take me away that night. You should've just let me go. You would've all been better off without me. I wasn't worth saving," Donnie said with as much volume as he could summon. Even at his loudest, his voice was still scarcely greater than a whisper. It was an audible manifestation of the weakness consuming his entire being.
Mikey was the first to say something in response, but the only words the orange-masked turtle could manage to get out were, "Donnie . . . no."
The youngest turtle couldn't believe what his brainy brother had just said. He just couldn't.
Why would D say all those awful things? How could he possibly think those horrible things were true?
Like Mikey, Raph was also having a difficult time putting voice to his thoughts. All he was able to do was just stand there, shaking his head in denial.
Then, Leo finally spoke, and he couldn't hold back his distress. "Donnie, please tell me that's not what you've been thinking all this time."
"I'm sorry. I - I shouldn't have - " Donnie started, but could not finish. The voices in his head were screaming at him now. One particular voice was far louder than the rest. It kept saying the same thing over and over again.
"Shut up, Brainiac! Nobody wants to hear it!"
"Shut up, Brainiac! Nobody wants to hear it!"
"Shut up, Brainiac! Nobody wants to hear it!"
"Shut up, Brainiac!"
"Nobody wants to hear it!"
Closing his eyes and turning away, Donnie tried to hide from his brothers' appalled stares, but he could still feel their eyes boring into him. The moment he pried his eyelids apart, he saw the pity written all over their faces. Suddenly, he felt as if his composure was on the cusp of failure.
He didn't want their pity.
He didn't deserve their concern.
He had totally meant what he had said just seconds before. They would all be better off without him.
"I . . . I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I'm sorry." Cupping a trembling hand over his mouth, Donnie tried to stop anything more from coming out. He had already said too much. He looked both terrified and devastated at the same time as he stood there trying so hard not to fall apart right in front of them. He refused to let his brothers witness his emotional collapse.
He had to get out of there.
He had to get out of there right now.
"Donnie, please, let us help you. " As Leonardo made his desperate plea, he reached a hand out for Donnie, but he missed him by an inch.
Before Leo could make another attempt to grab his genius brother's arm, Donnie was already rushing out of the lab as fast as his injured body would take him.
All the while, he was thinking he should've never said what he had.
He should've never let them see his pain.
He should've never let them in.
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To be continued . . .
*Author's Notes: This chapter was hard. The next chapter is even harder . . . Get ready for some major angst.
Just so everyone knows ahead of time, I will not be posting an update for 'Lost in the Fight' next week, or possibly the week after. Things get kind of hectic in the summer. However, I may post a new chapter of 'TMNT Shell Shots' in the meantime. We'll see if time allows. Thanks to everyone who has been checking out my 'Shell Shots.' I appreciate it soooooo much. 😁
If you like 'Lost in the Fight,' or any of my other stories, please take a moment to vote and/or comment. I would love to know if you are enjoying my writing. Thank you all very, very much for reading. CJ ;)