I couldn't say it was unexpected because it wasn't. I could say it hurt me more than I could put into words though. I've never felt so...so...so hurt in my life. When I breathe it feels like my ribs are puncturing my lungs not letting me breathe, suffocating me from the inside.
I knew he was a goner, the minute he met me. I'm reckless and unstoppable with a mouth the size of the moon. He didn't listen. I pulled up walls higher than you could imagine and made sure he wouldn't and couldn't break through them. But they began to crumble.
He used to tell me he loved me. Hold me carefully as if I was as fragile as glass. He did everything I could ask for and then some.
He broke down my walls promising to never leave me like everyone else did. They all got up and left me with my broken feelings.
But now he's gone. He left.
Corrin fucking left me on my own.
When I was little and my relationship with my parents was much better, we used to talk about love. The 'I love you's' before I went to sleep or the 'have a good day, love you'. I ddin't realise what love was. You can't define love, there isn't enough words to say about how you feel. I didn't understand what love felt like before Corrin, I thought I knew what it was but I was wrong.
Love is that undying affection you have for someone so deep you'd do anything for them. Die for them. Protect them.
Love is weird.
I didn't ask to fall in love. I didn't want to because everyone I love leaves.
I guess I just have to get used to it.
•
"Up, up, up!" A knock on my train door wakes me up.
Oh the luxurious life of a victor, note my sarcasm.
"Oh go away, Una!" I mumble into my pillow, fighting my way back for some sleep.
I'd never been so deprived of sleep. It's not like I wasn't allowed it was that I couldn't. No matter what time it is, memories come back to haunt me and I'd rather use matches to keep my eyes open than to relive my Games. They were some scary shit.
"I'm telling you once Johanna! Get up!" Una yells, or tries too.
"Okay, okay." I say making no effort at all to move.
Just as my eyes were rolling in my head, a cold sensation jolts me up.
No. Fucking. Way.
I yelp and jump up from my now soaking bed. Blight stands with a vase and a grin covering his whole face.
"Get out! Get out!" I scream, walking towards him angrily, my finger pointing to his chest before jabbing him.
He backs away with almost fear in his eyes. Yes Blight, this bitch is angry.
"Okay, I'm going, I'm going."
I slam the door shut behind him and make my way to the bathroom, dragging some comfy clothes with me. No doubt my crappy prep team are going to make me look 'pretty'.
After a long, long, shower, I get dressed and head out to the dining cart.
"Are you ready for today?" Genny asks, while I stuff my face full of toast.
"Hell no." I reply.
Today is the first day of the Victory Tour out of thirteen. We start at Twelve and work our way to One, missing out Seven and going to that last before making the last stop at the Capitol.
Seriously, I can not be any more excited for this trip. I'm literally pissing myself with excitement.
The conversation dies down and I finish up eating. I look around the table at the familiar faces. Genny, Violet, Honey and Lila, the prep team and stylist. Una, the escort. And Blight, the idiot. Wait sorry, the mentor.
The prep team and Lila sit at one side of the table, I sit at the head while Blight and Una take the other side. As days goes on, the two are getting much closer.
I don't know whether its me but I can literally feel the sexual tension and it creeps the shit out of me.
Before I can stop my mouth opening, words are flowing. "Just do her and get it over with."
Una splutters are turns more red than a tomato. Blight coughs uneasily.
"Johanna, he doesn't do me-"
"Well then, just do him, Una."
It's safe to say that conversation died quicker than a fish out of water.
I get hustled out of the dining cart and into whatever they call the prep room. I'm too bored to speak out or do anything really, so I let them work.
"We have been crafty this year, Johanna, and designed each outfit regarding the different districts." Violet tells me while fiddling with my hair.
Great so I'm going to be a freaking tree again, a bloody coal miner and probably a fisher.
"This is your outfit."
Honey pulls out a black dress which is about knee height with a lacey top. A belt is round the middle of the dress and the material just floats out. It looks like coal.
"Oh wow, it's beautiful!" I say, holding my breath and looking at it.
"So try it on!" The strip me down and throw me into this dress and let's just say I look pretty hot.
A wolf whistle comes from the door and I whip round and see Una and Blight stood, his arms round her. Hate to admit it but the are cute as hell.
"Keep a leash on him, Una." I wink and Blight presses a kiss to Una's forehead.
That was the first sign of proper affection. I always knew there was something, the way they sat with little space between them and the way he talked around her, even when he called her names you could tell he didn't mean it.
She blushes and holds out her hand to me.
Something changed after the games, Una became more understanding and a lot more motherly which is something I need. Or it could be a want. Una knows about Snow killing my mother and at some points I just need a shoulder to cry on.
I take it and we all walk together to the train doors, waiting for them to open to District Twelve, the worst district in Panem.
As the doors open, I see nothing but dark dirt. It's everywhere. Clouds of it, soot completely covering the cobbled ground.
As we step out, I see more than just dirt, I see dying people, orphan children and adults working their asses off.
I see a young girl, no much older than me, with tears pooling at her eyes and her hands blistered and bruised from constantly washing clothes. I jog up to her, her hands up to her elbows in dirty water. Her tummy is enlarged, not int he 'I've eaten too much way' because that;s not possible here but in the 'I'm pregnant; way.
"What's you name?" I ask.
To say she looks frightened of me is an understatement.
"I won't hurt you."
"Um, I'm...I'm Hazelle. Hazelle Hawthrone."
"Well, Hazelle, take this." I hand her some money I had stuffed in my bra.
What? You never know when you might need bra money.
"Oi, Johanna, get here!" Blight hisses and I join him right before the Mayor walks out with his little girl attached to his hand.
"Hello, Blight. Una, nice to see you dear. And Johanna, what a pleasure!" He shakes my hand and his daughter stands back.
"Hey!" I say, giving her a wave.
She must be like twelve.
"hi, I'm Madge." She says, giving me a wave back.
"Okay, you know what you're doing, Johanna?"
"Yep, a speech thing that Una wrote out."
"Awesome, you're on stage round about now. Let's go."
I nod and he takes us through and onto the stage in the square where just about everyone is waiting.
"Hello, I'm Johanna Mason. I won this years games as you know and I want to thank you're district for creating-"
Fuck this.
"Okay, I can't say I know your kids well because I didn't. I can;t say I didn't want them dead, because I did but what I can say is that they were probably nice kids. I'm sorry for your losses." I say before giving a small bow.
A few shrieks are heard and I get given some flowers before being pushed off the stage.
"Johanna Mason, as if you said that!" Una scolds, slapping me round the head.
"Sorry Mom." I mock.
But with mocking comes pain. I feel a stab at my chest and my knees go weak.
"Oh Johanna. I'm sorry sweetie." Una wraps me in a hug and I cry, getting her beautiful dress wet.
•
Dinner passes quickly, we spend no more than half an hour there before climbing back on the train.
"Next time you do the dirty, cover it up Blight." I say.
"Excuse me?" Una says, almost choking on air.
"You heard. You got her preggo didn't you?" i say winking at Blight.
"No?" He says it more of a question.
"Yeah that's why she didn't touch the booze. Well congrats anyway."
"And we thought we could keep it a secret." Una murmurs but hugs me nonetheless.
"Off to bed you." Blight says pushing me away.
"Okay but keep it down, I need beauty sleep! How do you think I look his great everyday?"
"I thought it was plastic surgery sunshine." Blight chuckles and I storm out.
As I climb into bed, I think about everything that's happened. How drastically my life has changed. I could have been Hazelle in a couple of years time if I hadn't have been in the Games.
I drift off into a horrid sleep.
"Call me what you want Johanna. Say what you want to me. But you never mean it."
"I love you Corrin. I-"
"But I don't love you!"
He laughs and laughs and laugh before putting a knife to his own chest.
I throw open my eyes and cry. Rocking myself backwards and forwards, wishing these demons to go away.
-this one goes out to @IggelandMason for helping me on my spanish, haha! check out her awesome books especially Becoming Adament-