(Chapters will be longer)
Jefferson-
A few minutes earlier.
After Hamilton left to go confront Hercules I leaned on the couch in front of Lafayette and sigh.
"You want to talk?"
"I rather not." He mutters, putting his elbows on his knees and huffing. I search for his eyes. I never really had anything against this french fry. And I had also found out that he had a crush on me back in high school. And what can I say? I'm attractive. And he is too...in a way.
But he's not my type. What even is my type?
"Lafayette, is someone messing with you?"
I swear if someone's bullying this beautiful cinnamon roll..
"No..."
"Then what's wrong?"
He looks up at me with a confused look. "Have you ever had mixed emotions about something so serious that you can't decide on what to do anymore?" What? I mean...I have mixed emotions about my parents because I still love them but they don't love me..I guess that counts.
"Yeah." I answer.
"I've kept a secret from my friends for a long time and I'm scared about how they'll react when they know." He looked away.
Bro come on.."It can't be that bad?"
"I just feel like they'll get mad at me and never trust me again.."
BRO.
I sigh and put an arm around him. God he was such a smol bean.
"If they don't hang out with you, I will."
He smiles and wraps his arms around me. I'm too solid to be in so much fluff...but I give in and hug him back. When we separate, my phone starts to ring.
I take it out my pocket and notice it's from my parents...fuck.
I must've looked scared because Lafayette noticed this. "Mesouir Jefferson, are you okay?"
I nod. "Yeah..just my parents calling."
"Why do you look scared?"
"They hate me because they don't like that I'm gay or whatever." I say like it's nothing. The french fry raises his eyebrows but then frowns. "How can they hate you for-"
I quickly answer the phone. "Hey."
"Hey Thomas. How have you been?" My mother's soothing voice on the other end says. She calls me whenever she's not around my father. I believe she still loves me, hopefully my father comes around.
"Oh, I've been fine momma."
"College everything you expected?"
"And more." I say happily. I'm always happy to speak with mother. It reminds me that there's always one person that will always love me for who I am.
I hope.
"Who's on the phone?" My dad's voice echoes in the background.
"Tommy." My mother answers.
There's silence for a bit and I start to get worried...usually she'd put me on mute and I wouldn't know what would happen.
After a few minutes, a deep voice speaks up. "Thomas?" It startled me and Lafayette. It was my father.
"Y-yes?"
"Are you still a fagget?" I see the small frenchman wince at the name.
"No...no I'm not."
"You have a girlfriend?"
"No-not yet. I'm working on it."
"You better get to it. I don't want to see you unless you have a female next to you. You hear?"
"Yes sir."
"Your roommates are all male?"
"Yes."
"I'm pulling you from that college."
"What!?" Me and Lafayette say at the same time. He was next to me so he could hear my conversation.
"Either that or you switch your roommates." He demanded.
"But dad-"
"Dont call me dad. You switch your roommates or better yet, don't be gay!"
"I can't okay!? I can't just not like guys! I'm fucking trying here!" I yelled into my phone, walking to my room and slamming the door.
"What do you mean you're trying? It isn't like you've been gay your whole life!"
"I've been gay for YEARS! I KNEW I liked boys when I kissed James in the bathroom that one day you and mom took us bowling when we were six!"
"You're a fucking disgrace!"
"You are too! And I hope you know that I'm way happier away from you then I ever was!" I scream as I end the call.
I sit down on my bed and drew in a shaky breath.
"F-fuck...him! He doesn't know any better.." I cry, wiping my eyes. I know, it's childish but It really hurt me to hear daily, how my farther hates me. Wishing me to have a girlfriend. All this extra stuff.
I haven't seen them in almost more than two years.
I clench my fist as tight as I can as anger builds in me. "I-I can't just automatically not like boys..i can't..I've tried!" I've always been attracted to them. I stand up and dig in my drawer for my antidepressant medication. I throw all my other stuff out of the way before just throwing my whole dresser over. I slam the door and rush into the kitchen, hoping that I misplaced them.
That's when Hamilton starts speaking.
...
Now I'm sitting at the bottom of the steps, tears streaming from my eyes. I feel guilty...like everything is the way it is because of me. I didn't know I hurt Hamilton that bad. I didn't know he attempted suicide and were placed on that medication because of me.
I didn't know he didn't have any parents.
I realy fucked up and right when I was actually starting to like the smaller man. As a friend of course. But I should've known that wouldn't last. Nothing never lasts. At least not for me. I drop my head in my hands and try my best to stop the tears from coming out of my eyes. God I feel like I'm falling apart.
Is this how Hamilton feels when he's having a panic attack or something?
This is the worst feeling in the world. To feel guilty, unloved, neglected and stupid all at the same time. And it's my fault. I did this to myself.
I bullied Hamilton because I needed something to take my anger out on. Learning that he actually tried to commit suicide is scary to me enough. If he could've died...it'd be my fault.
It's my fault no one likes me..
That's true. James doesn't like me anymore, Burr probably hates me, and Lafayette probably thinks I'm a horrible person.
School didn't even start and I'm already wanting to die.
I need to get laid. By a woman, I do. Maybe then I could feel better, they say making love is a natural stress reliever.vI slowly pick myself up from the steps, dragging my feet as I lazily make my way down the short hallway. I need a phone. I pat my pockets and realize I left mine at the dorm. And I wasn't looking back into going back there. I then notice that Lafayette and Hercules' dorm is down the hall. I'll just use their phone.
I knock on the dorm, wiping my face again to make sure I'm still not crying.
"Oh, hey Jefferson." Hercules said as he opened the door for me. I step in and sigh. "Hey. Can I use your phone, I need to call someone."
"Oh sure." He hands me his phone then goes back to playing some call of duty game with that one gay dude that likes turtles.
I smile as I make my way into their bathroom room, dropping the smile as I see myself in the mirror. I look horrible. My hair was sticking out in different places, my eyes were puffy from crying, tears stained my face, I look like a hot mess.
I dial my friend's number and waited for her to pick up. "Hello?" Her deep yet smooth voice says.
"Hey Mar, it's Thomas."
"Oh..hi Tommy!"
"Hey darling. I need a favor."
"What now?"
..
Hamilton..my smol child.
Soon as I run into my room, I collapse on the ground, hugging my knees as I shook violently. How could Jefferson do this? How can he just say anything and not care about how the other person's feelings!?
He doesn't know my story, he doesn't know my pain- so why would he even try to bully me? Ever since high school and I never told anyone. Not when he knocked me unconscious, not when he bullied me online. He made me feel like I was nothing. I am nothing!
I'm no important piece of someone's life. That's how it's always going to be. I'll never be satisfied but dear Lord, with all the pain I'm going through, I hope Jefferson is satisfied.
I hold onto my knees tighter. I cry more and more each time I think of Jefferson. Like how he and Burr took care of me when I was sick. Or when he stood in my doorway and called me a hot mess.
I remember myself blushing at that one simple phrase.
I remember how I was swinging my legs up and down while face down in my pillow. I remember laying on my back and feeling giggly at the thought of the tall Virginian.
I remember smiling when he smiled. I remember him changing the radio in the car, or his smile brightening when I took my first bite of his food. I remember sitting in his arms, fighting the urge to hug him. I remember laughing at one of his stupid jokes. I remember him getting annoyed when I came up with grape puns. I remember our arguments, our debates.
I remember him saying he hates me..
I remember that burning feeling in my chest when he said that.
I remember thinking about him.
I remember crushing on this man.
I remember that he's my enemy.
To be honest...I might actually like him.
By this time, my sobs are more of just sniffing and little tears here and there. I slowly pick myself up from the floor and drag myself to my bed.
I climb under the blankets and sigh, clenching my pillow to my chest.
That giggly feeling is replaced with sadness. That warmth in my heart replaced with anxiety. The smile on my lips replaced with an emotionless face. Having him bully me hurt, but I'm feeling more hurt than I ever did when it came to him.
I hate you Thomas Jefferson. I always will.
..
When morning comes, I'm waken up by arguing coming from the living room. I get up and stretch before going to my door.
I place my ear to it and listen.
Aaron and Jefferson are arguing about why he didn't come back last night. Jefferson's voice makes me scared. I could just see his sharp jawline his glaring eyes as he shot insults at me.
I clamp my hands to my mouth as I hear a choked sob escape. Then I notice the tears falling through the cracks of my fingers.
Burr and Jefferson are silent for a moment then I hear.
"I think you broke him."
Then-
"What you talking about, he broke me!"
Added with-
"He's been crying all night."
"And I've been.." he stops himself.
"Why is he on our couch?"
"He needed a place to stay."
"Why couldn't he stay in his dorm?"
"He said he didn't Hercules and the guys making fun of him or something. Then he fell asleep."
I stop listening to their conversation and go to sit down on my bed.
I need to eat something. I need to take my medicine. I'd feel a lot more better than I am right now.
I stand up and go to my nightstand, taking the small bottle of clonazepam, (Klonopin anxiety medicine shit like that) and open it. I can already feel nauseous just thinking about swallowing the pills and throwing them up later.
I swallow two and set the bottle down, yawning. I hear a door and I hope Jefferson left. I peak my head out my door before making a beeline to the bathroom.
Once I'm there I leaned over the sink and drink some of the faucet water. I jump in the shower and wash my hair, the hot water feeling relaxing as it hit my bare skin. I stayed in the shower a bit longer than usual and Burr gets pissed. When I get out and change my clothes I step out the bathroom and see my favorite frenchman sound asleep on the couch.
I pull my hair up in a bun as I move his legs to sit next to him. He stirs in his sleep and I can't help but wonder how he looks kinda like Jefferson. It's also kinda freaky.
Aaron steps from out of the kitchen and frowns. "Hey Alexander."
"Hey."
"You alright?"
I turn to him and nod. "Yeah. I'm good."
He nods. "The Schuyler sisters wanted to see you. They came earlier but you were sleep so I didn't want to disturb you." He then walks back into his room.
I smile. The sisters are magnificent. Whether it be when it comes to friendship and or caring the sisters were always there. I've gotten over Eliza about a year ago, we handled our situation and decided to be friends. Margarita never fails to make me laugh, Angelica can be flirtatious but she's going to be a good lawyer one day,.And Eliza still, despite what she did to me, still makes me smile.
I scan through my phone and ask one of the sisters for their dorm address. Soon as I get it, Lafayette startles me by sitting up and squeezing me into a hug
"Ah! Laf you freaking scared me!" I laugh.
He laughs also. "I hope I did Alexander." He leans his head on mine.
Lafayette was like a smart puppy. He knew when someone was sad and so he'd do random things like tackle hug you and lock you in his arms and won't let go.
And to be honest, I really needed this hug.
I sigh into his shirt. "Thanks Gilbert, I really needed this."
He unlocks me from his hold and grins. "You are welcome mon petit amour." He sits up straight and I stand up.
"I'm heading to the Schuyler's, you wanna join?"
He shrugs and stands up. "Can we stop by my dorm, I have to grab something." He asked and I nodded.
We left my dorm and headed to Laf's, greeting the others when we got there. John immediately came up to me and hugged me. "Alexander, hi!"
"Hey John! What's up?" We part and he grins happily. "I just beat Hercules twice in Mario kart 8!" He beamed.
I smiled and looked around John to see a frowning Hercules. "Aw..
Herc are you sad?" I tease and the bigger male rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Hey guys!" Lafayette said, finally entering the door. I don't understand why he was still outside when I came in.
"Hey Lafayette." John greeted, hugging him.
"Hey kid." Hercules said from the couch.
"Hey John...h-hi Hercules."
I examine the tall frenchman and raise an eyebrow. John must've noticed it because we looked at each other with the same expression.
"Where were you last night?" Mulligan asks, flipping through tv channels.
"He stayed at my place." I answered for Laf.
The Frenchman nodded. "I came there to check on Alexander but then fell asleep the couch."
Hercules and John nodded.
Lafayette walked into his room and I pulled John in to their kitchen.
"I know you saw that." I whisper.
"Saw what?"
"The look Lafayette gave Hercules."
"Oh..yeah "
"Something is going on between them."
"Or maybe Lafayette just likes him."
"True. But we can't assume. And the real reason Laf stayed the night at mine was because of Hercules." I repeat what I had heard Burr and Jefferson talking about earlier.
"Hm.."
"When they're here, do you notice anything?"
"Yeah. Lafayette is always on his phone and if not, he would be in his room."
"Oh..okay."
We end our conversation as everyone's favorite fabulous french fry exits his room with different clothes on. He was wearing black jeans with a grey sweater that had a little USA flag on it and some black and gold sneakers. (I need those shoes)
His hair was pulled up in a bun but much better than mine. "Who are you trying to impress?" I joke and Lafayette laughs.
"Trust me, I had no intentions of waking up this morning and looking this fabulous for anyone." He says while posing.
Me, John, and Hercules crack up laughing. This french fry was too precious for our world.
We soon leave the dorm and head over to a cafe to meet the sisters. When we arrive, Lafayette is tackled by a yellow blur which is usually identified as Peggy Schuyler.
"Hey Laffy Taffy!" She gushed, hugging her dearest friend tightly.
"Sup Alex." Angelica greets me and I hug her. "Sup, Angie."
"Alexander! Hi!" Eliza smiles and I hug her tightly. I miss her hugs.
We all sit down in a booth and talk for a while, ordering our food and drinks. I didn't order anything but a coffee. At least there's a chance I won't get sick later.
We catch up on each other's lives, discuss the classes we're taking this semester, and even planned to meet here everyday after classes.
It was going fine until a certain name popped up. Jefferson.
"Yeah I heard he's taking the debate and law classes also." Angelica replied to Lafayette's earlier question.
I looked down. Trying not to remember what had happened last night. I didn't think it was that obvious that I was upset until Eliza asks me what's wrong.
"Oh, nothing. Sorry, just thinking." I reply, feeling their eyes on me.
"Alexander-"
"I'm okay guys." I look up, forcing a smile despite my eyes being glazed with tears.
Wow...I didn't know Jefferson affected me this bad.
Words count- 2999