"Best pizza I've ever tasted." Griffin's muffled compliment sent Lucas into a laughing fit.
Between Lucas' obnoxiously nasally laugh and Griffin speaking with his mouth full, it felt as if every pair of eyes in the pizzeria had fallen on us. We had been in New York less than four hours and I already felt out of place.
"We better head over to Kat's and figure out our plans for the next couple days before we forget." Lucas tossed his crust and empty bottle of soda before smacking a hand against Griffin's shoulder blade until he joined us.
I kept my head down and hands buried deep in my pant pockets as we headed back to our rental car, Griffin and Lucas shouting back and forth on who should have the privilege of driving across town to the suburbs.
"If you two don't stop, I will call a Taxi and go there myself." I snapped, crossing my arms. The boys fell silent, eyes on me.
"I guess New York really does change people." Luke shook his head as he muttered quietly to himself. Griffin held the back door open for me when we reached the car, a hint of a smile forcing itself to his face.
"We've got to get you out of this depression, Lex. I can't have you looking as if someone ran over your puppy the entire time we're here." he pushed the door shut with a wink.
I curled up against the car door, resting my head against the window and watching the smog ridden city blur into nothing behind us and fade into the bright green as we entered suburbia.
The boys continued a quiet conversation in front, laughing on occasion. I was too tired and exhausted to try and listen or join in. All I wanted was a nice, comfy bed and a fluffed pillow so I could clear my mind of everything for a little while.
My head felt as if it were on overload with everything rushing in and out of it. It drifted from Evan to Toby. I had to decide before I went back home what I was going to do with Evan and the entire situation there. Everything inside me wanted to help, to give him what he needed. They still needed to check my blood, but everyone seemed sure that I would be a match. And Toby, Toby's words had left a bitter taste in my mouth.
He hadn't taken into consideration what I might have been feeling about the trip; he hardly asked. He had been set on trying to get the thought of Griffin being anything more than a friend out of my head. Where that became any of his business was still beyond me. I didn't need a boyfriend right now, not with everything that was going on. I needed to focus on myself and my brothers. On finding my mother. The last thing I wanted to do was think about dating Griffin, or any guy for that matter.
"Is she asleep?" I heard Luke's faint whisper from the driver's seat. The sound of a door opening had me prying my eyes back open. I stared through half open eyes to find Griffin gently opening my door. He shook his head, a smirk on his face as he looked back over the car at my brother.
"Yeah, man. You go ahead, I'll carry her in." I started to sit up as Lucas turned his back to us, ready to call after him, but Griffin swooped me into his arms and nudged the door shut before I could. It wasn't such a bad thing, being carried bridal style up the front porch of a house; it conserved my energy.
"Smile." Griffin demanded, staring down at my hands pressed against his chest.
"Why? I have nothing to be happy about." I responded. The smile on his own face faded instantly and his expression returned to the cold signature Griffin I knew.
Lucas was at the front door once Griffin stepped on to the porch, talking to a petite read head that looked nothing like the girl I remembered Luke dating Freshman year. She smiled weakly at whatever my brother was saying and stepped out of the doorway to allow him in. Her eyes glistened with amusement when they fell on us a few feet back.
"What are you waiting for?" she asked, "Get in here."
*
Griffin and I didn't spend a lot of time at Katrina's. After meeting Kaelyn, we decided it would be best if we let the three of them have some alone time.
I decided it'd be best if we walked around town for a while, considering there was a likely chance we'd get caught in traffic if we went into the city any time soon.
It wasn't until we were a few blocks from Kat's house that Griffin spoke, "What the hell is going on with you today?"
"What?" I stopped beside an old mailbox.
"I understand you have a lot of shit going on, Alex, but can you at least try to be optimistic about this? Maybe we won't find her, but that won't stop us from looking, right? She's out there somewhere." he threw his hands up in exasperation before letting them fall against his face.
"What do you wan me to do, Griffin?" I whispered, stepping in front of him, "Do you want me to act like none of it is affecting me? Like I'm the same girl I was when I was naive to the world? Is that what you want?"
I held my hand up when he opened his mouth to protest my questions.
"I don't know what it is that everyone expects from me. To my dad, I'm the disposable mistake he made when he was twenty-one. To my brothers, I'm just the youngest kid in the family. To Toby I'm just someone for him to use until he finds someone else. My own mother didn't even want me, Griffin. So what is it? What am I to you?" I pushed my hands against his chest, tears stinging the back of my eyes.
"I-" He began.
"You wanted me to be more of a girl, right? So what's more girly than having an emotional and mental breakdown? I'm sorry I can't be the perfect girl for you, Griffin. I'm sorry I don't like caking my face in makeup and wearing tight shirts and skirts all the time. I'm sorry if I don't like change and wish that everything in my life would stay in order and remain the same. I'm sorry I can't be enough for anyone." I started to back away, but he grabbed my wrist to keep me from walking back the way we came.
He didn't say anything; maybe it was because there wasn't anything he could really say. He stood silent, his fingers clasped around my wrist as he stared down at me.
"You know what's tiring, Alexis?" He managed to get out a few minutes later, "Pretending to be someone you aren't."
"You think you're the only one in the world that has identity issues, Alex? I can't look at myself in the mirror and give a full description of who I am. I can say I'm a quarterback. I can say I'm the son of a Japanese woman and an English man that were raised in the backwoods of Kentucky together. I can tell you I have girls lining up to sleep with me. But none of that is me, it's what everyone sees me as." he sat on the short wall around a tree, rubbing his hands against his face.
"I don't know where I fit into this world. I'm not as smart as you are, I'm constantly told that I should be focused on things that I hate and get the thought of ever being a football player out of my head. My mother tells me I should be a doctor and my dad wants me to be a lawyer. Do you know how hard it is to choose between letting your parents down and letting your friends and fans down? Do you understand what it's like to know that the only person you know you truly love is off limits?" he turned to me with a vulnerable look.
I looked away and down at the concrete, "I know exactly how that feels."
"Let me guess, your in love with that little ratkeeper, right? Because he's been there for you, he-"
"I'm in love with the thought of the truth, Griffin! I'm sick and tired of everyone's petty bullshit, alright? I want to be the one that gets to cry for myself for once. I want to cry over the thought of meeting my twin brother only to have him die. I want to cry over my mother leaving me and my father calling me a mistake. I want to cry over it all, but I can't."
"Why can't you?" his voice was barely audible.
"I'm the glue that holds my family together, Griffin. If I let go, all of my brother's will come down with me and I can't let that happen." he rose and took my shoulders in his hands, staring intensely into my eyes.
"You need to let someone in, Alexis."
"And you want that to be you?" I guessed, shaking my head. "Make up your mind, Griffin. Either you find me disgusting or you like me, it can't be both. When you get over your mood swings, come find me." I tore myself out of his grip and stalked away before he could collect his thoughts and come running after me.
*
I had read over the address on the letters my mother had sent to my father so many times it had become permanently imprinted in my head. As the taxi slowed to a stop along the curb of the old, Victorian style house surrounded by beds of grass, I started to question if I was ready to do this.
Before I could talk myself out of it, I handed the driver the cash and climbed out of the car, shutting the door hard behind me. I headed up the driveway quickly, knowing that the Taxi driver was the furthest from pleased by my action.
"I know you're not here." I whispered to the letter in my back pocket as I crossed the grass and moved up the stone path to the porch, "But please let them know where you are."
I stood on the front porch for a minute or so before rapping at the door, my knuckles throbbing by the time I pulled my hand back and dropped it at my side.
Dogs barking and footsteps filled the silence, the doorknob twisting soon following. I lifted my head up and forced out a shaky breath, preparing myself for what may be behind the closed door.
Nothing could have prepared me for what faced me once the door clicked and swung open.
"Alexis?"
***AN***
Decided on a double update because the last chapter wasn't super eventful!
Let me know what you guys thought! Who do you think is on the otherside of the door? Is it her mother?
Hope you enjoyed!
~ChasingMadness24