"Maybe it's not always about trying to fix something broken. Maybe it's about starting over and creating something better."
~ anonymous
***
I followed the sidewalk where I once walked so many times before. Hands in my pockets, hair tousled up, chin high. I knew where I was going and no one was going to stop me.
Once I crossed the street, I stopped in front of an old dilapidated building.
From the outside, it looked the same: brick walls with windows on all sides. But once I stepped closer and peered in those windows, I saw everything was dark. Not a single light was on. No one worked there anymore. It was closed.
I heard it in the news last week. The Late Café lost business because it was so far out in a place not many people knew about. I felt like it was partly my fault; they rose to success once I started painting there. Once I gave up painting, their business went out.
I wondered where Teagan went. I wondered what happened to all my paintings. They never called to give them back. Then again, they did pay for them.
I walked to the back of the building and searched for something else.
Sure enough, it was still there.
My outline was fully gray, completely washed and worn down from rain, snow, and whatever else. The words "Everything is GRAY" were faded, but the outline was still visible.
My silhouette; the shadow of my past.
But I noticed something different.
As I stepped closer, I noticed red paint on the chest of the silhouette where the heart would be. The words formed a heart. They said: but you're still my Blue.
What the hell?
I recognized the handwriting. It was-
"Hey."
I turned quickly. And ho-ly shit.
Her hair was till that vibrant red-brown color, naturally wavy, but she cut it shoulder-length and now had bangs. Her onyx eyes...those eyes were still gemstones. They were wide and curious. Observant. But somehow brighter.
She was a little taller and wore a gray dress, a red flannel tied around her waist, and black boots. Her figure filled in a little, but she still had those curves. And then I noticed her wrists.
They were completely covered in tattoos. One was the exact replica of the purple flower I once painted on her wrist.
I backed against the wall and ran a hand through my hair. "Oh my God...Azaleah?"
She fixed the purse on her shoulder and smiled softly, but uncertainly. "Hey, Emery. It's been a while."
"No shit."
She bit her lip. Waited.
Hell, what did she expect me to say? The only thing that popped into my mind was the question that haunted me every night months before:
"Where the hell did you go?"
Her lips parted, but no words came out. She tilted her head. "I'm so, so sorry Emery."
"It doesn't matter anymore. That was...a long time ago."
She nodded. "Yeah. It was. How have you been?"
I raised an eyebrow. "Where do you want me to start? When you left..." What? Was I really going to bring up the past? Yeah. She had to know, but not for her sake. For mine. "When you left, my whole world fell apart. But not just because of you. You were the start..." I paused. "Brynn was the finish." But the words didn't mean anything anymore. I didn't feel anything when I said them. So I added, "None of this is even relevant anymore."
She flinched at my words, but she recovered so fast it almost wasn't noticeable. "I just talked to Brynn."
"Excuse me?"
"Yeah...I called her when you didn't answer. I never threw away your number, Emery. I just changed mine... I wanted to talk to you first, but I guess it doesn't matter much since I'm talking to you anyway." She offered a small smile.
Who the hell did she think she was? I was done with the past. Ready to package it up and throw it overboard. "Okay... Why the hell did you decide now?"
"I called Brynn because I'm only here for a few days before flying back to New York. I wanted to see you. I mentioned your name, and...well, that's when she told me everything." Her voice was sad, hollow. "I'm glad you're finally away from your dad." She paused before adding something else. I heard regret in her voice. Maybe she wished it was her I was living with now, not Brynn.
"Yeah..." I rubbed the back of my neck. "So...how did you find me here?" I wanted to tease, are you following me? since that was one of the questions that sparked our first conversation here at the café. But those times were over.
"Well, Brynn said you left to visit the café one last time when I asked. So I came as soon as I could."
But not soon enough. "You did." I stuffed my hands in my pockets again. "Why?"
"Because. I shouldn't have left like I did. Honestly, I was kind of selfish. I stopped worrying about you. My life was in shambles...I had to fix myself before I could fix anyone else. You understand that, don't you?"
I didn't respond. But I did understand.
"You couldn't save me." She stepped closer. "You tried, but that was something I had to do for myself. You can't save people, you can only support them."
"I get that...trust me, I understand the concept better than you might think, especially now. But...you left me. We could have supported each other. I needed you, too."
Her expression was sad. Strands of hair blew in her glossy eyes, and she seemed to want to cry. But she didn't. Instead, she nodded. "I know that now."
We stood in silence. The sun beat down on Azaleah, but I remained against the wall in the shadows.
"Are you still painting?" Her eyes jumped to the silhouette behind me.
I moved and stared at it with her. "No. I mean, yeah. I will be. But I haven't painted in a long time. Things happened that prevented me from painting. During that time, I played basketball."
Her eyes jumped back to me. "How'd that go?"
I shrugged. "Basketball still isn't my thing."
"Why'd you stop painting?"
"Life. Sometimes it takes away your paintbrush...and you gotta learn to get dirty and finger paint." I curled and uncurled my fingers. She watched but didn't ask. A part of me expected her too since she always asked all the questions.
"Emery, when things...fell apart..." She rubbed her flower tattoo. "I was lost. After Spring break, my parents kept reminding me of how perfect Cassia was. Then they found out I was dating you. They wanted me to stay away. So I did. I thought you'd break up with me, but you didn't... Emery," her voice lowered to a whisper, "You were so good to me, and I treated you like crap."
"Yeah, you did. And then you disappeared."
Her eyes remained on the painting. "It wasn't because of you. It was never because of you. When I left, I still loved you."
"You sure had a way of proving it."
"I did it to make things easier. When feelings are in the mix, everything gets tangled up. But I realize now that it only made things...harder."
"What was your goal, Azaleah?" I looked at her. "How was leaving going to fix anything?"
"Because, Emery." Her tone was resolute, not sad. Just regretful. "I almost killed myself at the end of the year. I wanted you to stop caring about me so when I was gone, it wouldn't hurt so bad. But feelings are more difficult than that."
No kidding. A piece of my heart still missed her. Maybe it always would. "What did you end up doing?" I asked.
"I sat in the garage with the car running and played music. But one of the songs that came on was one I remember you sharing with me. 'Breathe' by Lauv, remember? I changed my mind and got out of the car, opened the garage. But my parents found out. They sent me to rehab over summer. I wasn't allowed to finish school at a normal high school. I realized I really screwed myself over..."
Our lives were so similar; we were just on different timelines.
"But they did help me, Emery. I listened to you. I talked to them, let them in. Showed them my scars. I'm a lot better now...and I think it's because of you."
"It's not."
"It is. So I'm not coming here to just...try and win you back, although I would love if that happened. But I'm here to say I'm sorry, and thank you for bringing me back."
I nodded. "You're welcome, then. And I forgive you. But...Azaleah, it's too late. We're living two completely different lives. It's been so long, and so much has happened... We're different people now. Better, but different."
I missed that pleading look of hers. Those onyx eyes. But I didn't feel anything for her anymore. While I got back my feelings for everything else, Azaleah was the one I still felt nothing for.
"I understand." Her voice was hushed. "And Brynn told me about what happened with you...all of it. Your dad, your hand, the drugs..." Her eyes really did water this time. "Emery, I really am so, so sorry. You were alone. And you almost..." She covered her mouth.
"Hey, don't worry about me. I'm fine, see? And I'll continue being fine. I'm out of high school. We're halfway through summer. Brynn and I...we're moving in together when we leave for college. The question is...will you be fine?"
That smile I used to love spread slowly on her pink lips. "Even now, you always look out for everyone else."
"Of course." I shrugged. "I don't feel the same way anymore...but I still care for your well-being."
She bit her lip to keep it from quivering. "I'm going to go to school in New York to be a counselor now. I'm going to help kids with things we went through. But this time, I'll be better. I'm not living with my parents anymore; I'm living with Cassia. But my parents and I are on better terms since we talked everything out. I haven't cut in a year now."
"That's...wow, I'm proud of you."
She rubbed the flower tattoo on her wrist. "I'm not lying when I say it's because of you."
And that time, I believed it. Her tone implied she felt it more strongly than anything else. She looked at me like I had given her color where the world had left her gray.
"Come here, Azaleah." I held out my arms. For a moment she hesitated, but then the tears spilled over her eyes and she ran up to me. Her small arms wrapped around me tight.
I closed my eyes and breathed in her scent: strawberries, as always. Her skin was still soft, her touch was still gentle. I missed this. I wanted it back for so long. I really needed it during my darkest hours.
Maybe Azaleah was right: I did help her, in some strange backwards way. Life sure had a way with people. Sometimes it worked out. Sometimes it didn't. And sometimes the right people came into your life at just the right time.
My life changed forever because of Azaleah. Had we never met, I wouldn't have known love. And maybe if that had happened, I wouldn't have ever believed it was possible and given up completely that night Brynn saved me. But I knew it was. I hoped it was. And in the future, there was a chance at love again. Just not with Azaleah.
I didn't know if I would ever reconcile with my dad. I didn't know if I would see him again. A lot of people who once impacted my life no longer were a part of it, and I would always wonder where they went, what happened to them. But I hoped they knew it was because of them that I was still alive, awake, and painting today.
All it took was a single meeting at a café to change someone's mind. A single conversation across a counter to make a friend. A single glance that let another person know you saw them. A single phone call on a bridge to save a life...
...a single stroke of paint to restore color to a canvas that forgot how beautiful of a masterpiece it always was.