CHAPTER SIXTEEN
❝Nothing To Remember❞
— • —
Everything after my victory was a blur. I remember the muted silver lights and sterilised innards of the hovercraft as it plucked me out of the arena before taking me on a quick trip to the Capitol. Nurses injected me with cooling fluid and hooked me up to machines that created syncopated rhythms beside me. Words were exchanged from person to person but none of them were directed to me. Luckily, because I found it not possible to speak back to them. While I was in my sedated state, my mind wandered to what I had been through in the past week. I had gone from living in luxury to living in a tree. My emotion known as love had bloomed in a sudden crescendo before getting annihilated into a million microscopic pieces. If I could go back to those few moments before the games had begun I would have stepped off my platform early and gotten blown up. At least I would not have to face what I was about to go through.
Fifteen minutes was all it took for the hovercraft to return to the Capitol. I felt the bone jittering landing before the wide doors opened, letting harsh rays of pounding white light into my vision. After that everything continued to blur into one. I was wheeled on my rickety metal bed into the medical centre where they poked and prodded me once more. Cold black eyes stared down at me, flashing a weak light into my eyes every so often before summing up my entire existence into one simple sentence. "She's in shock."
Of course I was in shock. Who wouldn't be after all that I had witnessed. The past few hours were the icing on the cake when it came to shock. Watching person after person die until it came down to just myself, Moss and Eric. Watching my closest friend and my only love die before shooting an arrow into my rival's chest. If that did not cause shock then I don't know what did.
For most victors, they were presented to the people of Panem with in a day or two of winning. Some who left the arena without even the slightest scrape were usually mingling with the Capitol before the day was out. Me on the other hand, I was frozen on my rickety bed in the medical centre. For three days I dared not move or sleep. Either would cause nightmares or make myself extremely uncomfortable. My mind was just a blank canvas, unable to absorb even the slightest drop of paint.
On the third day I stirred from my catatonic shock as one of the nurses had called it. One moment I was counting the dots on the ceiling for the thousandth time and then I was up and walking towards the door. I shocked the nurses and I also shocked myself.
Timidly, I spoke for the first time since becoming victor. My throat was cracked and my voice was small but it was enough to grab the nurses' attention. "Do I get to see my mentors now?"
The nurse who had diagnosed my shock looked up at me from her seat, this time it was her to be the one in shock. "Alice? You're up!"
"No use wallowing around in my regrets for the rest of my days." I walked slowly around the room that was joined onto the one I had been inside for the past few days. It was silver just like the other one and smelt strongly of sterilisation.
"Well then!" The nurse stood up in a rush and hurried towards me. Her cool black eyes matched her braided black hair and chalk white skin. "Let's get you looking spic spec!"
For the next hour the nurse ran me over with every physical she could conjure up just to make sure I was stable enough to face the public eye. When her tests proved that I was able to be put in a chair in front of thousands of adoring eyes, my prep team that I had almost forgotten about rushed into the room. Their eyes were bright and their smiles wider than any seen before.
"Alice!"
"Oh dear I knew it was you!"
"Our victor!"
Their exited yips almost overwhelmed me as the colourful trio clawed at each other to hug me. Roxana was still her pale self, Myron was more purple than last time and Agatha's curly pink hair had grown upwards towards the roof.
"It's nice to see you all." I smiled and hugged the three of them individually, soaking up their fruity Capitol scents.
"What does it feel like to win?" Myron asked but was interrupted by a harsh Agatha.
"Don't ask stupid questions Myron!"
"That's alright Agatha." I smiled at her defence. "I have to face it eventually. Twenty-three died and one survived. Eric was one of those dead and I cannot change that." The three all grew silent, their colourful eyes trained solely on me as if I had just grown wings.
"Wise girl." Roxana smirked. By her reaction it seemed as if she had dealt with past victors before. "Now let's not dawdle and get to work on making you stunning!"
It was their turn to consume another hour of my life. They brought be back to beauty base zero, smoothing out my roughened edges and beautifying the bruises and bumps that the medical team had left behind. They washed my hair until it was as smooth as silk and Agatha even wove a tiny braid down the right side of my hair - to hide the pesky curl - she had told me.
When I was cleaner than I had ever been before the adoring prep team pushed and shoved me along shining silver corridors and through a creaky door. Behind the door was my Hunter, my dear stylist. She had not changed one bit since I last laid eyes on her. With a delicate wave of her hands, Hunter dismissed the prep team which left just the two of us in a wooded themed room of the medical centre. With another delicate gesture, Hunter extended her arms towards me, letting me fall into her arms in a friendlier hug than what was expected from two barely more than strangers.
"I'm sorry." Hunter whispered, squeezing me tight which made me fight for gulps of air.
"Don't be." I gasped back which made Hunter loosen her grip. We stayed entwined for what felt life forever. Her warming hug was exactly what I needed to make my soul just a tiny bit less heavy.
Letting me out of her grasp, Hunter then grabbed my hand, tugging it towards a cloth draped across a rack. "Panem is eager to see you dear. Many loved you and some did not but that doesn't matter." Pulling the cloth off the rack, she added, "What does matter is tonight."
Beneath the cloth was a simple dress. It did not turn into the ocean or flicker with a thousand lights. This dress was just a dress bit it was breathtaking nonetheless. It was baby blue and from the waist down it looked like a cloud with multiple layers of exquisite material. The top half was simple, almost plain with the exception of a bow on the bust. "It's so pretty Hunter!" I grinned, clapping my hands in response to the best thing to happen in weeks.
"I'm glad you like it." She grinned back, stepping forward to take it off the rack. "Now let's get you ready for tonight."
— • —
Flashing lights and excited cheers was what I was about to face. Right now I was about to go on stage to meet once again with Lucy Summers, the head of ceremonies for the Games. I was standing off stage, Dolly and Millie flanked my sides while Hunter and Aiden had decided to watch from the crowd. Tonight Dolly wore light hues of blue to match her dress and thankfully also her sky blue skin. Millie on the other hand wore a blouse and knee length skirt, so modest besides the eccentric Dolly.
"Just remember that you are wearing makeup Alice!" Dolly sung from beside me. "Don't go smudging your beautiful eyes right off."
"Don't listen to her." Millie interrupted, rolling her eyes at Dolly. "Just act natural, I know it feels horrible going up there but you can do it."
"Okay." I whisper right before Lucy's voice echoed from the stage, the ceremony had begun.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight we meet once more with this year's Victor, Alice Stone! Some of us had picked her while other doubted her survival. Tonight not only will we talk with our victor but also overlook the highlights of the games. Without further ado, please welcome District Four's victor, Alice Stone!"
That was my queue but I did not budge. "It's only three hours Alice, you'll get through it." Millie pointed out before pushing me out into the blinding light that poured onto the stage.
Only three hours. Alice, it is only three hours. I told myself as my feet carried myself closer to Lucy's welcoming arms. When I reached her I hugged the orange scented, orange everything entity that was Lucy Summers.
As I wiggled my way into the cushioned up chair that was mine for the night, Lucy hushed the cheering audience with a single glance. She needed quiet before she could start.
"So Alice, you being here tonight is something that we all discovered was not part of your plan. I think Panem worked that out before the games even started."
"I think you're right Lucy." I smiled, my eyes landing at my feet instead of Lucy's orange tinted eyes. "I think if I was not so afraid I would not be still here."
"Afraid of the games?" Lucy questioned, tilting her head so the audience knew what she was trying to convey.
"No Lucy. I was afraid of dying." Murmurs of sympathy and agreement rippled among the audience.
"To tell you the honest truth," Lucy leant in closer. "I have the same fear." Several moments later Lucy moved the interview onto the next topic of discussion. "So Alice, your alliance with the pair from Seven as well as your own district was interesting to watch. So many times I thought you were going to strangle Moss out of annoyance."
"So did I Lucy, so did I."
"I was wondering, would you change anything in the alliance if you could go back and change it?"
I sat in silence for a long while, fighting back the memories that surfaced when I thought of those who I spent the last few days with. "Not one bit." I replied when I found my voice. "Every moment and every event was worthwhile and meant the world for not only me but also those involved."
Lucy smiled timidly, her eyes shone with curiosity as if she did not know where to take the interview. In response to her own confusion, Lucy reached out and grabbed my right hand in her own. Her fingers brushed over my fingers until the circled the pearl ring that Eric had given me while in the arena. "That was my favourite moment." She whispered so quietly that even I had to lean closer to pick up her words. "That night was so precious for the two of you, it was so touching to see love in such a doom filled place. I'm sure those before us could also agree."
The audience turned into a sea of nodding heads as they agreed with Lucy. I did not respond straight away. My eyes were locked onto Lucy's own as I gathered my thoughts into words. So many things needed to be said. Since the horrid moment of Eric's lose, time for me to grieve had not surfaced. So many unspoken emotions and freshly wounded pain wanted to surface but I would not let them, not on national television. I gathered my response in my head but when I went to speak the words they did not come, only the horrific sound hysterical tears. Finally, at the worst possible moment did my mind decide that it could not keep it inside anymore. As I tried to control my tears, Lucy bundled me up into her arms, letting me stay until my hysterics dulled to infrequent sniffles.
When I surfaced from her arms I could feel that my face was a mess, my makeup was probably smeared and my dress most likely stained but that did not matter. What did matter was what I had to sit through, if I could sit through it.
"Does it feel better Alice? To finally let a bit of that pain out?" Lucy timidly asked. I responded more or less with a nod.
Knowing that I was a lost hope, Lucy moved onto the next segment which would keep the audience entertained for the next few hours. "Now we have highlights of your week in the arena, showing not just you but what those other tributes got up to in the arena." Lucy then settled back in her seat and the stage dimmed to almost darkness, allowing the screen to be displayed.
Over the next three hours I endured the tragic tale of the thirty-fourth hunger games. The beginning made me smile, they had placed my quote from Romeo and Juliet at the beginning, setting the mood for the rest of the highlights. The screen the flicked through the reaping's, chariots and then showed my own and Eric's interviews. Next was the actual game. We saw mostly what I had been through but I also got to see what the others had been doing. Some tributes had an interesting adventure but all had died in the end. Tears welled up in my eyes when they played the scene where Eric had given me the ring. I had to look away for Clover's death. It brought up to many memories and seeing it once more would surely not help. I almost walked off the stage when they played the finale - I was back to torrential sobbing when the deaths of Moss and Eric appeared. It was all too hard to face but I knew that it was what I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
When the highlights came to a close, the audience stayed in an eerie silence, waiting for us on stage to make the first move.
"So what now Alice?" Lucy asked, patting my thigh in a vain attempt to silence my tears.
"Well Lucy," I started. "Today I was thinking about staying here in the capitol, just for a little while, just so I could clear my head before returning to the sea."
"Wise choice." Lucy smiled before asking once more. "Any last words before we wrap tonight up?"
I pondered the question for a heartbeat before nodding. Instead of facing Lucy, I turned out to the audience, my eyes skimmed every eccentric face before I landed on those I knew most. My team were in the third row, all smiling back up at me. I took in each of their unique faces. Hunter's floral tattoos looked like writing when she smiled, Agatha, Roxana and Myron looked as if they could be fruit, Dolly's blue eyes shined with admiration. Of course I don't blame her, she had given Panem a victor and due to that her life here in the Capitol would surely bloom. On the end of the group were Aiden and Millie. The two of them, hand in hand and eternally in love were what I had always hoped myself and Eric would be. Of course it was too late now to change any of that. Eric was gone, Moss was gone, and Clover was gone. I missed them all and hell, I even missed Frankie.
Realising that I had taken a longer pause than needed I cleared my throat and answered Lucy's question. "I just wanted to say that impossible is a word that not only myself but many people use far too often. Before tonight I thought that a world without Eric was impossible but now, after facing Panem I see that it may be difficult and I may never be the same but I can go on living. I also thought that winning the games or even being in the games was impossible."
"I guess you got that one wrong." Lucy giggled light heartedly.
Nodding back at her I ended the hell of the journey that I had in the games by simple saying, "That's right Lucy, because nothing is impossible."