"Y/N, I'm—"
"Don't. Just—don't."
I didn't know how long I've been on my knees, crying my eyes out incessantly. It seemed like days, maybe years. But it also felt like seconds since I fell to my knees. And now she was gone. She was the only thing that mattered and now—
"This is my fault," she said in a soft voice. It would be easy to pin it all on her. I could blame her for everything that happened in my life. I only had to say 'yes' and it'll all be out of my hands. But I knew better.
Or rather, I knew the truth.
"It's not your fault. It's not your fault I'm an idiot. I was the one that lied to her and broke her heart. I should've told her but I was too scared that she'd leave me. And now—now she's gone. I've lost everything."
I placed my hands on the ground and lifted myself up. My knees wobbled at the action but I managed to get my balance and remain upright. The tears that fell on my cheeks were all dried up as I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt. The sadness and despair was gone now. It was replaced by a hollowness I couldn't explain. It was like there's a big, gaping hole in my chest I could put my hand through. My eyelids felt heavy and I could feel my body ache just from the strain of standing up.
I turned back towards my car and passed Ariana on the way. But I felt my steps slow down to a halt.
"If you really love me," I told Ariana without looking back, "you'll let me go. Because if there's anything I learned from losing Lauren today, it's that she'll always be the only one I want to be with. Our chance has long gone, Ariana. And we can't ever bring it back. I do love you, but, Lauren is the only girl I want to spend forever with. And If I can't—if I can't have her beside me—I'd rather spend the rest of my life alone."
Silence filled the empty space between us. However, it wasn't an awkward silence but a silence born out of blind anticipations and useless expectations. And it was Ariana who made the first move to break it.
"Goodbye, Y/N." I heard the crack in her voice and the hitch in her breath when her words reached my ears. It wasn't going to fix anything between Lauren and I but I couldn't help but feel my heart sigh at the realization that I finally had closure with my past.
And at least, that was a start.
"Goodbye, Ariana."
-//-//-//-//-//-
Ring. Voicemail. Ring. Voicemail.
It was the seventh time in the last hour that I'm being directed to voicemail after exactly one ring. I don't know how many times I've called Lauren since last night but not once has she answered any of it. It was four in the afternoon but I couldn't muster the strength to get up from my bed. The drive home from the alcove was a blur. I couldn't remember how I got home, much less without being in an accident.
Sleep escaped me and whenever I tried to close my eyes, the nightmare of Lauren's tears haunted my dreams and made sleeping unbearable. My physical exhaustion mirrored the severity of my heart break. I heard my mom call for me all morning but I just pulled the covers over my head and tried calling Lauren again. Soon enough, her voice didn't reach my ears anymore and I knew she finally gave up.
My father avoided me the whole time I was home—and a good thing too because I could just imagine the contempt on his face when he finds out about what happened. It was two years ago all over again but this time, it was me that fucked things up. Lauren was the perfect girl and I took that for granted and broke her heart. My eyes were red from crying too much but that didn't stop new tears from pricking the corner of my eyes.
Ring. Voicemail.
My head was starting to ache again and I debated taking sleeping pills so I could finally rest. But my exhaustion pinned me to the bed. I heard a loud thud and thought it must be the front door. I hoped it was my father leaving because I really didn't want him to be here when I finally succumbed to the heartache and broke down.
I heard the bang of my door against the wall before I pulled the covers down from my head to see what was going on. But before I could assess the situation, I felt two hands bunch the front of my shirt and throw me across the room.
"Oof!" My head slammed hard on the concrete wall and stars clouded my vision. I dropped on the ground with a loud thud as the ache spread from my head to my neck. I picked myself up from the floor and looked at the face of my attacker.
Luis was looking down on me with blind rage present in his features.
I quickly stood up and tried to steady myself but I felt the world spin and had to lean on my table for support. I saw Luis moving towards me but I was still reeling from my head connecting with the concrete that my reflexes were shot down.
He rushed me, slamming his hands into the middle of my chest, and pushed me back against the wall. My arm banged against the table, knocking over my lamp and books on the ground. It happened so fast and I was still trying to process the fact that Luis got the drop on me when his fist connected with my eye.
"No! Stop it!" I heard my mom say. She grabbed his arms and tried to pull him away but he shook her off and cocked his fist back to hit me again. I shoved him, but the stupid fool came at me again. One hit? Fine. I deserved that. But I'm not going to be his personal punching bag.
Not when he started all this.
Lowering my shoulder, I hit him in the chest. He grabbed onto me and we hit the floor. His fists were pummeling me wherever he can reach, but I've got him pinned to the ground. I could feel him try and push me away but I kept my weight on his chest and deflected his blows.
"Let him go." My father grabbed the back of my shirt, pulling it until I can feel the collar pressing tightly against the front of my neck like a noose. Luis got in one last hit, smacking the side of my face with his fist. "What is going on here?"
"Nothing," I said reaching out to help Luis up, but he slapped my hand away. "Just a misunderstanding."
"I want you out of here," he said, pointing at me.
"Honey—"
"No." He cut her off and helped Luis to his feet. "I am sick and tired of Y/N disrespecting me in my house. I hoped bringing him to LA to have a steady job would change him but it only made him worse. I have had enough."
They're standing in a clump on the other side of my room. Them versus me. I saw mom gnawing her lip as my father's arm is across Luis' chest, holding him back.
"Well," I said, "we finally agree on something." I grabbed a bag sitting in the corner and shoved a handful of shirts from the top drawer of my dresser. "I'm fucking done."
"Y/N, wait." My mom stepped forward. Out from my father's shadow. "I'm coming with you."
"What?" asked my father, dazed.
"I am leaving this house with Y/N if you don't stop talking." Mom snapped. His eyes go wide because she never talked like that, but he stopped talking. "Y/N isn't the bad guy here. That man," she said, pointing to Luis, "burst through our front door and physically attacked our son. And you're siding with him? And it's not just today. It's every day since three years ago. You punished him for loving someone. I was the only one that supported him at that time when you continuously pushed him away even though it wasn't his fault. And I have had enough."
I had to do a mental check to make sure my mouth isn't hanging open because—damn, Mom.
"So if Y/N's leaving, then so am I," she said as she put her foot down.
My father looked bewildered—like he can't figure out what happened—but I have no sympathy. Not when I'm so proud of my mom.
"Now, Y/N, do you want me to report this man to the police?" she asked turning to me and motioning towards Luis.
"No, I—I just need to talk to him."
She nodded at me once and turned to dad. "Alright," she said, "I'm going back downstairs. If I hear any more violence from the three of you, I am kicking you all out of here. Understand?"
She walked out with some serious dignity, leaving the rest of us standing there in silence. My father's expression was murderous as he clung to his pathetic insistence that this is all somehow my fault. His fists bunched at his sides and his jaw twitched, as if he's considering taking a swing at me.
I met his glare. "I wouldn't."
He stalked out of the room, his footsteps fading down the stairs. I waited for a few beats to hear the front door open and close but when it didn't, I knew he was trying to patch things up with my mom. And he regained a little bit of my respect for that.
But just a little.
Luis and I were finally alone and with the threat of my mom's words hanging between us, the anger dissipated from his face. I could already feel the sting of his punch. Add that with the godforsaken pounding in my head and it took all my strength just to stand up.
"You're an asshole," he said through gritted teeth. It wasn't news to me. I already knew that.
"How did you know?"
"She wasn't answering her phone so I went to her house. Her fucking parents told me she's been crying nonstop since last night. You fucking broke her, Y/N. Tell me one good reason why I shouldn't do the same to you right now," he threatened.
"Because I saved you from getting killed. Is that enough?"
His jaw ticked and his fists clenched at his sides. "It's not the time to talk about that. You should be worrying about the girl crying her eyes out for you. You don't fucking deserve her."
I'm tempted to point out that he's probably made Lauren cry more than I have but that was a cowardly move. I was also afraid that he'd tell me Lauren's never cried as hard as she was crying right now. I didn't think I could handle that knowledge.
"All I asked was for you to make her happy. To make her smile every day. I trusted you to do that and you broke that trust. I am not going to let you hurt her again."
"I will get her back, Luis. And no one is going to stop me. If you stand in my way, I will put you down. I'm not going to let her simply walk away from my life. I'm going to fight tooth and nail for her to forgive me. I love her, Luis." I stared at him as I slowly shook my head. "I'm not going to let her go."
Maybe Luis saw how much Lauren meant to me or maybe he was just tired but he looked away from me and sighed. His fists were still bunched at his sides and I could see them shaking a little. But soon enough, he stretched his hands open and I could practically see the tension leave his body as he cast me a hardened glare.
"One chance," he said in a low voice. "I am giving you one chance to get her back. But if she pushes you away or if I see you harass her in any way, I am coming for your ass."
"Fair enough," I told him with one firm nod. He turned towards the door and stepped outside the hall. I heard his muffled steps down the stairs and the sound of the front door. I made my way to my bed and sat on the edge.
I'm debating between lying back on my bed to try and sleep or torture myself again with trying to call Lauren when I heard the unmistakable sound of my phone ringing. I didn't even bother to check who it was before I answered.
"Lauren?"
"Y/N, we need to talk."
-//-//-//-//-//-
The moment I got out of the car, the wails and laughter of children assaulted my ears.
She told me to meet her at the park so we could talk. As I ran down the stairs, my mom and I exchanged a look before I left. My whole body was growing heavier as I followed the path. The all night crying and lack of sleep were weighing me down. It also didn't help that I could feel my face ache from the blows Luis managed to give me.
But I needed to talk to her sooner or later so why delay it?
I saw her slender figure looking in the distance while she was seated on a park bench. I quickened my pace and soon I was jogging towards her. She turned to me as she heard my steps getting closer. I stopped a few feet from her and she looked up into my eyes. A shiver made its way up and down my back as I met her gaze. The smile she always showed me was gone now.
Now, she was looking at me like she had no idea who I was.
She didn't say anything else after that, only looking at the distance again. I inched forward and sat at the space beside her but not close enough to touch her. When she doesn't say anything after a few minutes, I made it my task to try and reach out to her.
"Talk to me, Camila."
I turned my head to the Cuban girl beside me. There was sadness in her brown eyes and I knew why. I followed her gaze to a small girl laughing in the distance. Sofi was playing and laughing with another girl her age. She looked so happy like she didn't have a care in the world. I remember a time when I was like that too. That was the time when Lauren was beside me.
"Y/N, what did you do?" Her voice was small and quiet that if I wasn't seated beside her, I would've missed it. She still refused to look at me as she spoke.
"I lied to her, Camila. I didn't tell her about Ariana. And I should've, then maybe this wouldn't have happened." She was hurt by my actions too, I can see it in the way she sat and the way she spoke to me. The touchy Camila Cabello was being distant to me.
"Why would you lie?" she asked in the same quiet voice.
"Because I was scared of her reaction. I was scared she'd leave me."
"Look what happened."
I buried my face in my hands. "I know," I mumbled. I didn't only lose Lauren but I lost the other girls too. They trusted me and I betrayed that trust. Maybe Dinah, Ally, and Normani already knew about it and refused to talk to me. I felt a sharp pain in my chest at the thought. Never did I imagine these five girls would mean so much to me when I first met them.
"I want to hate you right now."
"You should."
"But I can't. You know why?" Finally, my eyes met hers as she turned her head to look at me. "Because I know how much you really love Lauren. I feel it every day the two of you are together. You always make her smile, make her laugh, and make her feel loved. And the way you look at her like she's the most beautiful thing in the world? You can't fake that."
"I do love her. I've always loved her," I told Camila.
"Then why would you tell Ariana you loved her?"
I tore my gaze away from Camila and looked at Sofi playing tag with a group of kids. "She was my first love. She taught me everything about falling in love. Nothing could compare to the feeling I had whenever I was with her. I gave up everything for her. But then she cheated on me. And I was lost. I didn't know what to do anymore because the moment I lost her, I lost everything too."
There was no judgement in Camila's eyes as I looked at her. She was genuinely trying to understand my side of the story. And it made me feel good, even just a little bit, that she still hadn't given up on me. She still believed there was a good man under all the crap on the surface.
"Lauren was nothing like Ariana. She was a once in a lifetime girl that found the good inside of me. She fixed me, Camila. But as I realized I was falling in love with her, I couldn't help but remember Ariana and the way she hurt me. So every step I took with Lauren, Ariana's shadow was always looming over me, watching me like a hawk."
I sighed and leaned back on the bench. The sun was slowly setting on the horizon and I can't help but dread the sleepless night I have to face once again.
"I don't expect you to believe me. Not after everything I've done. But even if I still have a little bit of love left for Ariana, I still want to be with Lauren. No other girl can ever compare to the way she made me feel. It's either Lauren or no one at all. So just—just let me make everything right, Camila. Just give me a chance to try."
There was no emotion on Camila's face as she stared at me. But I can feel her eyes looking for something in mine. Sincerity? Trust? I didn't know. Whatever it was, I knew she would find it because for the first time in my life—I told the whole truth. She looked away from me after a few minutes and stood up. I felt a breath escape my lips because I was convinced she was turning her back on me. I didn't blame her one bit but I was holding on to that small hope that she would believe my words.
"I'm not going to help you." There it was. She was going to walk out of my life and it was all my fault. I knew it was inevitable but I was still hurt. She turned her head to look at me. "But I'm not going to stop you from trying to get Lauren back," she said before walking towards Sofi and leaving me alone.
"Thanks," I said more for my sake than Camila's. I still didn't know how I was going to get Lauren back but having Luis and Camila trust me with the most important person in their life was a start.
Camila took Sofi's hand and they left the park together.
After a few minutes, I got up and lefttoo. The drive to my house was quiet because I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. Before I knew it, I stopped the car on the side of the street. But it wasn't in front of my house.
It was three blocks from my house.
I got out of the car and walked towards the front lawn. The lights were on inside so I knew there was at least someone home. I just stood there and stared at her house. There was no plan to woo Lauren. I wasn't going to throw pebbles at her window or serenade her under the moonlight. It wasn't much but this was probably the closest I'll ever get to her.
The front door slowly opened as Mike stepped on the porch. There was no anger on his face but he just looked at me knowingly like he was trying to study me.
"She doesn't want to talk to you, Y/N. Go home," he said.
I didn't even want to talk to Lauren. I just wanted to be here. But I wasn't going to let this chance slip away. Mike started to get back inside the house.
"Mike, wait." He stopped and looked back at me. "Could you please just tell her something for me? Tell her I'm not giving up. We're not going to end just like that. I'm not going to stop until she forgives me. Even if it takes me the rest of my life." I stopped and made sure I looked directly into Mike's eyes before I said my next words.
"Because she's the only one I want to spend it with."
I turned around and walked away before Mike could say anything else. He probably wasn't going to tell Lauren what I said. But those words weren't intended for her but for him. He needed to know that I still loved his daughter and I was willing to do anything to get her back.
Before I could open my car door, I looked back at the house one more time. Mike wasn't in the porch anymore. As I scanned the rest of the house, my eyes collided with a pair of familiar green ones in the upper right window. But as soon as she saw me looking back, she quickly drew the curtain and retreated back to her room. It happened so fast that one could doubt it was Lauren. But deep in my heart, I knew it was. We didn't exchange words nor longing glances but I was fine with that. Seeing her for a second was enough.
For now, it's going to have to be enough.