We made it to Ireland. It took us eight months but we eventually got there. A lot happened in those 8 months too.
A couple days after the premiere everyone was talking about me. Well, me with Chris. I got a lot of different comments. Some called me a whore, some said I sabotaged Chris' old engagement. If I got a dollar every time someone called me fat, I would be the richest woman in history. I could probably buy Disney with that money.
I'd been called ugly, stupid, unworthy, a gold digger. Anything negative you can think of, I was called it. But I had been called good things too. Some magazines liked my dress from that night. I was called beautiful, smart, strong, and sweet. It's been a roller coaster.
When I read some comments sometimes I laughed, sometimes I wondered why people had that much time on their hands and sometimes I wanted to hug them through the screen. Some people did their research on me very thoroughly, they came up with some dirt. Chris told me to stop reading the comments and, eventually I did. I wanted to know what others thought of me. Doesn't everyone? They honestly didn't annoy me as much as I thought they would. The comments didn't annoy me but the press thing does.
I was stuck in the office a couple days after the premiere trying to organize some things. The elevator rung and I looked up from my desk to see who it was.
"Ma'am what can I do today?" I asked looking at the woman who stepped out of the elevator. She wore some faded jeans and a stylish pink blouse. She looked around the empty office like she was going to take notes on it.
"Are you Lucy Jones?"
"Yes I am."
"Did you end the relationship between Chris Evans and his fiancé?"
"Unless you need a set built, I'm going to have to ask you to leave." The lady stood there and thought about her choices for a second or two. I was afraid she wasn't going to leave. She finally came to the decision to leave and she showed herself out. Once she was out of the room I sighed and went back to work. I couldn't focus that well though. The whole idea of people trying to pry into my business made me nervous. They knew where I was.
Later that day I left work around four to go home. I grabbed my stuff and pressed the elevator button. Once I was on the ground floor I noticed three or four people standing outside the building with cameras. I took a deep breath and straightened my clothes. I smoothed down my hair, checked my make up and walked out of the elevator. I kept my head held high and my walk confident. I pushed through the photographers and said nothing.
They followed me to my car, some were asking questions.
How did you and Chris meet?
Did you break up his old relationship?
Are you dating Chris for the publicity?
I kept my face composed and unreadable. I slowly put the car in reverse and tried to get out of the parking lot.
I drove home feeling uncomfortable and anxious in my own skin. I felt jittery and nauseous. I kind of had an itch to go somewhere. I wanted to escape, slow my heart. I wanted to feel peaceful. So I kept driving. I drove and I drove some more. I stopped at a beach called Sycamore Cove Beach. I called Chris once I arrived.
"Hey where are you?"
"You really want to know?"
"Depends."
"I'm at Sycamore Cove Beach."
"That's like two hours away! Lucy." He went quiet and I stayed quiet. The sun was right in my eyes blinding me but it didn't matter. I wondered further down the beach.
"What happen?" Chris asked, his voice was soft and calm now.
"They came to my work. Followed me to my car. I got some interesting questions."
"I'm sorry Lucy."
"I'm trying Chris, but I'm scared." I confessed. I didn't like sharing my fears. I was always scared someone would use them against me.
"Why are you scared Lucy?" My feet dipped into the cool water. I stared out into the horizon. I tried to let my surroundings sallow me, surround me, but the sound of my unresting heart inturrupted my world.
"Be—because I'm not hidden anymore. I've lived in a way where if I disappeared no one would notice. I always had an escape route. But it's gone now. I feel like I'm trapped. I feel almost claustrophobic. Does that make sense?" I admitted squirming at my own words.
"You aren't trapped Luce. But you have to push back." I wanted to tell him about all those years I was made to submit. I was made to bow down to the wind that blew me down. I wanted to remind him all those years I was trapped and I lost everything. I was scared of that. I was scared I was repeating history.
"I'm trying."
"I know you are."
"It's not enough is it? Oh god—I'm a broken record!"
"Lucy your fine. You're enough, you're doing enough. I'm happy, and proud of you. Don't worry." I knelt on the sand not caring about my clothes. I wanted to cry because I knew I was letting him down. He would never tell me so, but it had to be disappointing that I ran away like this.
"Some habits are hard to break." I told Chris
"Are you scared I'll get mad at you? Lucy I would never hurt you. Ever."
"No. No it's just...it's just an old habit."
"Some habits are hard to break huh?"
"Yeah they are. I'm coming home Chris."
"I know, I love you."
"I love you too "
The rest of the months were fulled with work. Chris and I were all over the map literally. I was building sets and checking on them. Chris was filming somewhere or auditioning for something.
Whitney found out she was pregnant and she was happily expecting a baby girl. The poor girl will be so spoiled by me it'll hurt. I made a new movie deal with Paramount this time. My move to LA was smart, now I took movie deals here, and TV shows back East.
After eight straight months of over time and crammed schedules we finally got a chance to get away. We chose Ireland even though I still wanted to go to Prince Edward Island. I arranged for us to stay at a little cottage we could rent for a week or two. It was about two miles out from a small city, there was a sheep farm ten miles away which was awesome.
Ireland had a mysterious, but calming feeling. It had this infinity feeling. You look around and smelled the clear, cool air and you can't figure out where the land starts and stops. Everything seemed to living in this symbiotic relationship. It was so peaceful and beautiful. I had never seen grass so green and lush. The country side reminded me of my favorite album, which I made Chris listen on the ride from Dublin to our little house. It felt weird driving to almost the opposite side of the country in an hour or two. I remember in Ohio we'd drive an hour just to go to a fancy mall for prom dresses.
The cottage was small. It had two bedrooms and one bathroom. The kitchen and living room bled together and that was it. There was a little rock fence that separated the road and the lawn. The house had weathered white sides and a dull dark green roof, matching green shudders framed the windows.
That night we of course went to a pub, and I had never had beer that strong. I thought I was going to get intoxicated just smelling it. Later that night we wondered the streets of the tiny city. The crisp air surrounded us reminding me of Boston. The road back home was almost pitch black. Of course, I rambled to Chris about the constellations we could see that night.
"I think I had too much to drink." I admitted laying down on the bed.
Chris laughed and gazed over at me. "Are you going to be okay Lucy?" He seemed sober even though I knew he wasn't. He could just hold his liquor unlike myself.
"The world is moving so fast." I mumbled staring at the ceiling. "Chris I can feel the Earth turn and circle around the sun."
"Oh my god, you're such a fucking nerd." Chris teased.
"Hey! No I'm not."
"Lucy you're reading this years Almanac right now!"
"Oh fuck! That is what nerds do!" I shouted closing my eyes which only made me dizzier.
"It's such a good think you're not a throw upper." Chris mentioned changing for bed. I clapped for him as he took off his shirt. He specifically turned around so I could see him roll his eyes.
"Come on, you need to get ready for bed."
"Do I?" I argued sitting up on my elbows.
"Yes you do. Come on." Chris laughed.
When I finally got into bed Chris turned off the light. He got into bed with me wrapping his arm around my middle.
"Lucy your feet are fucking freezing." He mumbled moving his legs away from me.
I tucked the blanket up higher and tugged his arm tight around me. It was like a fucking weighted blanket. "I'm cold and you're not." I whispered.
"Doesn't mean I want blocks of ice touching me."
"You're the worst." I reminded him.
"I know. Let me know if I can warm you up another way."
The alarm clock went off way to early the next day. I set the alarm way to early. I woke up sandwiched between Chris and a pillow. I wiggled to get to my phone to shut off the annoying alarm. I then fell back asleep for awhile longer, until my second alarm went off.
"Chris," I whispered poking his side a bit. He shifted but never woke up. I waited a bit until I bothered him again.
"Chris, come on I want to see the sheep. The owner said we could ." I reminded him shoving him a bit harder. The owner of the sheep farm rented us our little cottage.
"Chris, honey, wake up or else I'll punch you." I threatened staring at his sleeping form. His eyelids twitched a little while ago so I knew he was no longer sleeping.
"I don't see you getting up." He mumbled looking at my relaxed form still snuggled in the bed.
"I hate you." I said kicking the blankets down, and the cold air seemed to attack us all at once. I sat up and moved my legs to the edge before a pair of arms snatched me back in bed.
"Morning." Chris said as my head hit a pillow, he was leaning over me with a sly smile.
"Morning sleeping beauty, it took about five hours to wake you up." I teased shoving his shoulder a bit. Chris was a heavy sleeper. He was hard to wakeup.
"I thought you were supposed to wake me up with a kiss instead of threatening to punch me."
"A kiss with a fist is better than none." I said
"I see what you did there."
"I know, doesn't feel good knowing you are finally cultured in the art that is Florence and The Machine." Chris laughed a bit and kissed me. We waste some more time together and before we know it, it was almost too late to see the sheep.
"Chris come on we're going to be late!" I yelled tossing some clothes at him. We ran out the door to our car.
"I can't believe you're this excited to see sheep."
"Chris, how many chances do you get to see a legit sheep farm in Ireland?" I told him, I messed with my camera because of course I want to take pictures.
"Smile!" I told Chris who was driving. He quickly looked over at me and gave the cheesiest smile possible. The sheep were great. I got to pet them, walk with them. I meet the collie that hurds them. We talked to the owner who shared a lot of interesting information with us. The owner gave us a ceramic horseshoe with clovers on it. I think he might have thought we were engaged by the conversation we had.
"How cool is this!" I said petting a sheep that came up to me. I made Chris take a picture of me with the sheep.
"It is pretty cool." He admitted petting some on his own. I walked up to him and slipped my fingers in the belt loops of his jeans. His hands came to rest on my bum.
"Ireland living up to it's expectations?" I asked looking up at his handsome face.
"Yeah, I think it is. I like it here, it's peaceful." He told me as he gave me a gentle smile.
"And I love the company." He added sweetly kissing me.
"Yeah well that's the best part of the trip right?" I joked kissing him again. I cuddled up to him resting my head on his chest. We watched the sheep some more and played with the dogs before we left.
We drove off to the Cliffs of Moher next. The view was astonishing. They call it the worlds end. It seems pretty true. As you approach you see grass and as you get closer and closer the grass is gone. It's almost an exact drop off into the ocean. It's amazing. You hear and smell the powerful ocean assault the ground below you. Still even at the edge of the world there's this continuity in the world. Like each blade of grass is connected to each other, and somehow the waves are attracted, and pulled to the rocks. Everything thing here seems to be at peace with each other, and you can feel it deep inside of you.
Today it was windy and my hair was flying everywhere. Chris and I stood in silence just watching the ocean.
"It's beautiful isn't?"
"It really is. It's stunning."
"I feel like here at the edge of the earth, everything is part of something bigger, you know? Like the waves crash there for a reason. And the flowers over there grow for a reason, something bigger than us. It's such a strange sensation." I wanted to lay down in the grass and just melt into it.
The idea of more had always echoed in every chamber of my body for as long as I could remember. What if there is something more to this life? I'm looking for more. I searched the world far and wide for more. Once I was freed from my prison of my past relationship, more was all wanted. Life had become insatiable. But here the echo quieted. I didn't need more. What more could there be out there? My heart quieted when I was with him. And life wasn't about searching for it, but about enjoying it.
Chris said nothing, but I knew he understood me. He always does. His clear blue eyes met mine, and I never thought I'd see that much love shown to me. He looked at me in a way that made me want to cry. He loved me something fierce.
"I love you" I said making him smile.
"I love you too."
I turned my head again letting myself just be in the moment, and become part of that something bigger. I sat down on the ground, yards away from the cliff. I laid my back down and looked up at the sky.
That was where I was supposed to be. Right there, right then, I was meant to be by his side, I was meant to be here at the edge of the world too.
"Lucy"
"Yeah?"
"Marry me." I turned to look at him. He kneeled right besides me. I sat up and he took my hand in his.
"Yes"
"Really?"
"Yeah, you want it in another language?" I asked smirking. He pulled me close to him hugging me. He excitedly kissed me. He couldn't stop smiling and neither could I.
"I kinda don't have a ring. We can go pick on out if you want?" Chris said making me laugh.
"I don't care about a ring, I just want to marry you." I replied kissing him again. His lips moved against mine creating a type of delicious friction.
"Then lets do it?" He whispered kissing my neck. I could feel him smile against my skin.
"Now?! Get married now?!"
"Sure why not? Who's to stop us?"
I thought he was crazy when he asked me to marry him. But I was even crazier to say yes. This was it. Looking into his eyes I saw my future. I saw all I wanted to become. This was it, I told myself. The great mystery of life was love, and I solved the mystery. I found it.
We got married there, in Ireland.
After a not so long discussion, Chris and I decided to just get married there. It would take an overly obsessive time to put together a wedding back home. Once the press found out it would take the fun out of it and just add stress. So we went our separate ways and at four, I got a text with an address to a church.
I took the long walk down the isle. Chris was wearing a blue dress shirt that highlighted the blue in his eyes. He knew how much I loved that color on him. He stood there next to the preacher. Around us sat empty pews, a silent pipe organ and dusty but beautiful stain glass windows. The holy glow from the windows filled the empty room. I smiled back at Chris just soaking up this moment. My heart was bursting out of my chest, making it hard to breathe. I was nervous, excited, joyous. I was overwhelmed. The world seemed to spin too fast.
I met Chris and when he took my hands in his it was like a storm ceased. Then all there was him, the stain glass windows, a priest and a God. We got married on a beautiful day, in Ireland, with a God as our only witness.