Hey everyone, I have decided to post a play that some of my friends and I, in creative writing, came up with. It's pretty funny if I do say so myself. I played Mindi when we had to act out the play.
-Kaiyla
Enjoy.
Fiscal Cliff
Scene 1
(The scene opens up with a view of an office workroom. There are four desks facing the audience, each with chairs positioned so that anyone sitting at the desks is completely visible. They are staggered to give the stage dimension. One of the employees is sleeping on the desk, wrapped up in a blanket and doesn’t seem to be even alive. Another employee, Mindi is sitting at a desk, painting her nails like there is no tomorrow gazing at the credit card on her desk. Another woman sits in the desk next to her, busily typing away. Her hair is frizzy and her glasses are big and bulky. In one of the corners another man sits, eating trail mix and humming a relaxation hum. Finally, another man walks in. His name is Chairman Cliff Hanger. He walks in wearing casual street clothes, but seems very professional. None of the workers’ pay attention to him. Nothing seems to be amiss.)
Cliff: So, how’s everyone’s work coming along?
Edward: (Humming in yoga position) Oooookkkkkkaaaaaaayyyyyy…
(Groggily, Herbert looks up, and begins to foolishly type on a book. Everything seems to be alright.)
Shirley: (Excitedly gets up and moves over toward Cliff.) I finished the report that I was working on. It was such a wonderful adventure. I felt like a Hobbit on his way to Mordor whilest writing it. It took so long to do, just like the time it took to destroy the ring. How convenient.
(Everyone’s faces go blank and emptily look out into the crowd, Shirley scurries off in embarrassment.)
Cliff: Well, um… Thanks for this. (Ignores her comment, and pushes her away and moves on with his discussion.) So, I heard something surprising in the workroom earlier today. I honestly never expected to hear anything like this. (Pauses to take a sip of the coffee he carries.) It was mind-blowing. I honestly doubt you guys will hear anything this important. Now…Where should I begin? I guess it all started when…No, no, it started before that…Oh yeah, so I was leaving my office when- (The obnoxious ring of Cliff’s cell phone startled the employees more than it startled Cliff. He answers the phone.) Mr. Hanger speaking. Yes? Oh, yes, I’m on my way. (Hangs up). Sorry guys, I’m late for a meeting. I’ll tell you about the story later, it just might change things around here.
Scene 2
Mindi: (Mindi walks on stage. She isn’t paying attention to anything around her, but is more focused on the fact that her nails are chipping.) Oh! Come on! I just painted you like two hours ago! (Cliff is in the room next to her, but she doesn’t notice until his phone goes off again. He answers, and she moves her head closer to the door so she can eaves drop.) I wonder what gossip I can pick up from this…
Cliff: Hello, Chairman Hanger speaking. Oh, yes, I know about the little dispute we have been having. I just hope that no one has to get hurt because of it.
Mindi: (She gasps and her eyes widen.) What?
Cliff: (Continuing on but not noticing that Mindi is there.) Yes, I know of the consequences. Unfortunately, I think it is about time to let go. Only of just one person, though. Yes, things are going to change, but hopefully I won’t lose everyone. This is going to be a difficult transition.
(Mindi thinks she has heard enough and dashes off stage. The lights dim.)
Scene 3
(Mindi rushes on stage to the rest of the employees who are still where they were in scene one.)
Mindi: Guys, like, I totally just heard some juicy gossip.
Herbert: (Raises head) Did you get lost on the way to the bathroom again?
Mindi: That only happens when I’m not paying atten-Hey what’s that? Is that the ceiling fixture?
Shirley: (Sighs) All right what pointless information do you have to tell us this time?
Mindi: Well, I overheard the boss saying: (Cliff takes over from backstage speaking as her.)
Cliff: Hello, Chairman Hanger speaking. Oh, yes, I know about the budget cuts. I just hope that no one has to get hurt because of it.
Edward: (Stops humming) Wait, what?
Cliff: (Still backstage) Yes, I know of the consequences. Unfortunately, I think it is about time to let go. Only of just one person, though. Yes, things are changing around here, but hopefully I won’t lose everyone. This is going to be a difficult transition.
Shirley: (Stands up and moves closer to her.) What are you talking about, and how are you able to do that with your vo- Never mind, That can’t be right, but then again, judging by how little your brain can figure in a short amount of time, it is very unlikely that you could have made up something like that. So, you aren’t lying, that is for certain. What amazes me is that you were able to remember all of that. But, I guess since you have nothing else to recall except sequence of nail polish colors, it is to be expected.
Mindi: Speaking of nail polish-
Edward: (interrupting) Thank you, Sherlock.
Shirley: (Considering it for a moment.) Sherlock, hmm…I like that. Quick, get a deer stalker and a pipe. I am liking where this is going. Call me, Sherlock from now on! I shall get to the bottom of this. We shall know the truth. Hmm…Where to begin?
Mindi: Who’s Sherlock?
Shirley: How can you say that? What is…What is…Wrong with…How can you say… (Faints to the ground.)
(There is silence for three seconds. Herbert abruptly looks up.)
Herbert: I’ll catch her! (Pause, falls back to sleep)
(Cliff comes in.)
Cliff: Wait, what happened to her? Did someone mention Sherlock? (He considers for a moment before he clears his throat). HEY LOOK IT’S GANDALF AND LEGOLAS!
Shirley: WHAT? WHERE! (She sits up abruptly and her eyes are wide. The pipe is still awkwardly hanging out of her mouth.)
Cliff: Oh good you’re awake. Now, what did I say about smoking. (He takes the pipe out of her mouth and suspiciously stores it away in his jacket.)
Shirley: BUT, I’M SHERLOCK…..
Edward: And I’m Lance Armstrong… Or something
Scene 4
(Everyone is in the break room, only now the tables are shifted slightly to be facing each other.)
Edward: So we are now gathered here today to talk about our feelings Now, who would like some nicot-nature stickers. (He pulls out sticky notes that pose as ‘nature stickers.’ They have written on them ‘Not Drugs.’)
Mindi: You guys, how will I ever afford my nail polish and pedicures!?!
Shirley: And how I am going to afford all of the LOTR cosplays? I need to dress properly to be Gollum. I mean, Sméagol.
Mindi: Who’s Gollum?
Herbert: (Lifts head) Shut up, precious.
Mindi: I’m not a cat!
Edward: I know what you mean. I need to purchase all of my Bob Marley CDs you know. They make me feel good inside. (Awkwardly rubs chest.)
Herbert: And I need the job ‘cause it’s too hard to find another thing to do, except sleeping. That is easy… (Falls asleep.)
Shirley: This is ridiculous! We shouldn’t have to worry about who is getting fired. It isn’t fair.
Mindi: Well, how on earth can I get the boss to not fire me…I mean, I could bribe him or something…Wait did I just say that out loud?
Shirley: Well looks like the game is on, now, and I’m sure I’ll remain the victor.
Herbert: Like heck you’ll wi-ZZZzzzzz
Edward: Hmm, this really is turning into a Burger King as opposed to a McDonalds.
Mindi: What does that mean?
Edward: We are about to have it your way. (He walks off)
Scene 5
(Shirley awkwardly enters into the workroom where Chairman Hanger is. The two are alone. Shirley is dressed in a ridiculous costume, looking like Sherlock Holmes from Sherlock. She doesn’t have a pipe, but instead has nicotine patches. They are still sticky notes. Shirley tries to act normal, but cannot, and shifts uncomfortably. Cliff notices her ridiculous clothing and shakes his head.)
Cliff: What on earth are you wearing, Shirley?
Shirley: The name’s Sherlock.
Cliff: (Nervous laugh). And what do you want, Sherlock?
Shirley: (Not knowing what to say.) There have been rumors floating around lately, and well, I just wanted to make a point. Have I not always been there for you? I’m Sherlock and you are Watson, Sam to Frodo, Han Solo to Luke, Spock to Kirk, and Ron to Harry. Though, I’m smarter than Ron…
Cliff: Hey, slow down, just relax. There is no need to get overworked. (Trying to calm her down.)
Shirley: (Sighs heavily.) Can I start from the beginning?
Cliff: I honestly have no idea what you were saying anyway.
Shirley: Umm…Well… (Thinking fast. Tries a new strategy.) How about this? If I were an enzyme I’d be your DNA helicase so I could unzip your jeans. (Slaps herself in the face and mutters.) That was stupid.
Cliff: Wait, what?
Shirley: Nothing, nothing. Nevermind. (She begins to pace nervously.)
Cliff: Are you alright? And not… You know (Makes awkward gestures.)
Shirley: I prefer the term mentally hilarious.
Cliff: (Confused, He backs up a little.) Sure.
Shirley: How about: Did you know that the ocean gets its saltiness from the tears of misunderstood sharks who just want a cuddle? (Hits self in the face again.) Stupid, stupid, stupid. What am I doing?
Cliff: Uh, ok… I’ma, I’ma just gonna… (Slowly shuffles of stage)
Shirley: Wait! I wish you were sin2 and I was cos2 ‘cause then we’d be one! (Hits self again.) No! No! No! Everything is just coming out nerdy. I wish I was your derivate so I could lie tangent to your curves. (Screams again.) This isn’t working! (Rushes off stage.)
Scene 6
(Edward and Cliff are on stage alone. Edward is wearing an apron.)
Edward: Hey there Chairman Cliff.
Cliff: Uh, I’m just-
Edward: Anyhow Chairman Cliff, here, meditate with me.
Cliff: Uh, ok?
Edward: Here nature snack? It’s ho-
Cliff: (Very deliberately cuts him off in complete exasperation.) Homemade, yes, I know…
Edward: (Laughs) Actually they are not.
Cliff: Wait, what?
Edward: They are just honey oat bars from Costco crushed into little zip lock bags; honestly does it look like I know how to bake? (Laughs).
Cliff: (Looking slightly confused) But, then how come, you…. Never mind.
Edward: But chief, I’m here offering you a lifetime supply of nature snacks.
Cliff: Ah, no than- hang on, are they going to be in a zip lock bag or? Or what?
Edward: (Shrugs) I don’t know.
Cliff: Then no thanks.
Edward: Then how about I introduce you to someone?
Cliff: You?
Edward: (Nods head)
Cliff: (Pauses.) Alright I gotta hear this. How do you pick up girls, Ed?
Edward: It’s simple, I walk up to a girl and I’m like: Hey I’m Edward and they are like: Do you sparkle? And I’m like: Maybe I don’t know, and then it’s like: Bam! I get their phone number. It is usually has all eight digits too.
Cliff: You realize there are ten digits to a phone number, right?
Edwards: (Face of revelation) That’s why all the girls were like: (In a very high pitched womanly voice.) the number you dialed is invalid. Please try again. (Stops using the womanly voice.) That also explains why all the girls sounded the same…
Scene 7
(The scene is set with Herbert sitting at his desk, head down, asleep. Cliff confidently walks in, hoping to have a civilized conversation. He walks over to where Herbert is and attempts to wake him up.)
Cliff: You wanted to speak with me? (The room is silent for a few seconds. Herbert slowly lifts his head. There are two nicotine patches on his eyes that were put there by the other employees.)
Herbert: I tried, I tried. They got me before I did anything. My mind is so confused. I can feel that natural balance of the world (Yelling). I am at PEACE! (Hebert falls in asleep, as he does Cliff looks around confused. Very quickly Mindi rushes on stage, grabs his arm, and takes him down stage. There is a computer set up there, which she sits down at, intending on taking him online shopping).
Mindi: You are in for so much fun, Cliff. Like online shopping! Best thing ever! So, I was just looking around sites run by the people with dreadlocks and I thought that this tie would look great on you! (On the computer screen is a picture of an abnormally pink tie.)
Cliff: That’s an awfully neon pink tie.
Mindi: Yeah it’s like all the rage with the kids right now. At least with the ones that work at Chuck E Cheeses anyway.
Cliff: Uhhh, I don’t think that color works ‘cause-
Mindi: Well what about this one?
Cliff: Isn’t that the same one?
Mindi: No silly! This one is B3 pink, the last one was a B7. Wait, how about we look at shoes? What do you think of these?
Cliff: Uh, high heels, for me? While I may not mind a few feminine things, I don’t think those shoes would work for me…
Mindi: Oh, no don’t worry, these are for me. Speaking of me, do you think I should get these shoes with that dress or with those pants? And I should probably get jewelry too! I’ve always wanted a diamond necklace with a pink chain and… (Nonstop rant about clothes. Cliff looking scared, slowly backs away, deciding to get away from everything crazy that’s been going on in the workroom.) Oh, he must have gone to go get the tie!
Scene 8
(Mindi and Shirley are on stage alone in the workroom. They are sitting at their desks. Shirley seems quite frazzled, but Mindi, keeps staring at her nails)
Mindi: Like OMG, look at my nails, why from all of that filing I swear they look like Kim’s-
Shirley: Would you PIPE DOWN?!?! (Throws her pipe on the ground.)
Mindi: (Scoff) Like, excuse me?
Shirley: Ever since you got near me, heck, ever since you started WORKING here, you would never shut up about your nails!
Mindi: Well, yeah nails are my-
Shirley: Your life, yes we got that after the 30th time.
Mindi: 47 if you carry the four over.
Shirley: Wha-(Stammer) oh you get my point.
Mindi: Well it’s not my fault that the boss is into me…
Shirley: Yea- wait, what?
Mindi: (Slight evil laugh) Ha, how did you think I even go this job? He was attracted to my… physical features…
Shirley: (Pauses tries to say something, lifts finger up slowly, immediately grabs bucket and throws up, and then gets back up.) …What?
Mindi: Every time I break a nail and complain about it, he gives me a raise, I swear he’s like wrapped around my finger. (Looks at finger) Speaking of fingers….
Shirley: Wow, I…. suddenly feel like Sauroman surrounded by ignorant Orcs…. (Walks off, as she does she sings.) The cold hard lands, they bites our hands, they gnaws our feet. The rocks and stones are like old bones. All bare of meat. But stream and pool is wet and cool: so nice for feet now we wish-
Scene 9
Shirley: (Is pacing around her cubical, Herbert is face down on his desk. As she paces, she talks to herself) Ok calm down, so what if Mindi is bewitching the boss, I mean Edward could probably get kicked off of the team, and Herb! (Stands straight,) Herb is as useful as a brick. There’s no way that Herb would keep his job!
Herbert: Would you pipe down? I’m trying to sleep
Shirley: (quietly whispers) Oh sorry Herb, just calculating your demise from this company
Herbert: Oh well, I’ll leave you t that, or my name isn’t Herbert P. Hangar! (Falls down again.)
Shirley: Wait, Herbert Hanger?
Herbert: Yep. (Raises head and falls again.)
Shirley: Are you related to chairman Cliff?
Herbert: Yep, he’s my uncle. Can I sleep again?
Shirley: So is the Chairman pressured by your father to keep you employed here?
Herbert: ZZZZZZZ
(Shirley looking more confused and scared runs off.)
Scene 10
(Shirley is sitting at her desk all alone. She appears to be crying. Her head is down, and no one else is around. A few seconds later Edward walks on. He sees her and hesitates before approaching.)
Edward: (Looking hung over, yet slightly sober) Hey, are you okay?
Shirley: (Looks up, her eyes are wet and she doesn’t seem to want any company at all). Does it look like it?
Edward: (Sits down in a chair next to her.) Alright, what’s wrong?
Shirley: It’s Mindi! She just told me that the only reason she works here is because Cliff fancies her.
Edward: Honestly I think the chairman needs a new pair of glasses if that’s true.
Shirley: Stop saying nice things, what do you want?
(Edward sighs and looks nervously around. He is wondering how to put the words he is about to say.) Well, I was just thinking that maybe we should break into the Chairman Hanger’s office. I mean, we can try to hack into his computer. It might work, okay? We can figure out who is ending up fired if we try.
Shirley: (Considering.) But that would take a lot of work. We don’t know his password. His computer is a standard Hewlett-Packard though. There should be a way to rewire the circuitry in order to get into the system, but how?
Edward: Oh, that’s easy. (Clears throat and begins to type.) Well, if we just take out the processing drive remotely and restart it, and try to create a bypass system using the blizzard engine from a videogame which I stole from my Korean roommate, and voilà! (Shows computer to Shirley) One red October code that could breach Bill Clinton’s browsing history!
Shirley: Wow, this could actually work! This could- wait, how did you get this smart?
Edward: Oh, shou- uh, yeah, I forgot to mention, I had an IQ that reached four digits once, (Starts to talk faster) but because of that I’m prone to chronic headaches which eventually leads me to talk faster so that I can get my point acro- (Clenches head) ah, and that’s why I’m trying to connect with my inner chi, also the crushed honey oat bars help with the pain somehow… Owww….. I’ma’ I’ma’ gonna lie down a bit… (Walks off)
Shirley: Um… Okay great! If we keep this up I might not lose my job! (Skips off, singing the Gollum fish song.) The rock and pool, is nice and cool, so juicy sweet. Our only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweet!
Scene 11
(Cliff walks into the workroom, speaking into his phone.)
Cliff: Hey boss, how’s the office over there in Germany?.…. Yeah, we’re working pretty hard over here…..The profit this office made over the past two years has increased since I hired my employees…..I’m serious, if you look at the report I faxed over to you, you can see our profit level steadily increasing…..Nah, there aren’t any problems over here…..They aren’t giving me any trouble at all, I mean sure, they all have their own quirks, but they can get the job done…..No, they’re great, in fact, some of them should get a raise, especially Shirley, I’m even considering promoting her…..Oh, so you need another executive supervisor in our headquarters in England?.....Yeah, I’ll talk to Shirley about it and ask her if she wants the job…..She’s a hard worker, and she’ll try to be the best at what she does…..Well if I know Shirley, she would probably spend her raise on anything related to Sherlock…..Yeah, as in Sherlock Holmes, she can be a tad obsessive over the character…..Are you serious?.....Wow, I didn’t even know they built a replica of Sherlock’s house from the original series, let alone it being on sale…...If you can get that house for her, I can guarantee Shirley will take the job…..Well it’s Saturday, and the office is closed right now, but if you want, I could go to the office and look up her information and send it over to you…..All right boss, I’ll keep you informed, oh the divorce? Well here’s the funny thing is… (His phone begins to vibrate.) Oh, sorry, I have another call coming in, speak of the devil. It’s her. I’m so sorry about this I will have to call you back. (He presses a couple of buttons on his phone and begins to talk to another person on a different line.) Hello Melissa…Yes, I am doing quite well…enough with the formalities though. What is it you called about? Need more Child Support? I am already struggling with my own personal budget cuts…Yes (Sighs in exasperation) Losing you was terrible, and you had to take the kids away. Now all I have left is my employees…I know…Anyway, go on with your story? What about Timmy? Yes…He was over at my apartment a few nights ago, he skateboarded over…Well he’s my son too! Maybe he really wanted to talk to me…Yes I understand…No I didn’t use any vulgar language around him! You can’t blame this on me! No of course not… This isn’t my fault. Haven’t you taken enough of my money and life?!
Scene 12
(The four employees come on stage with ski masks. Shirley is still dressed as Sherlock, but now wears the mask. Unfortunately, Mindi is wearing a bright pink mask giving away who she is. They seem annoyed with each other, and keep on bumping elbows as they move toward the door towards the office of the Chairman. No one agrees with anything the others are doing. Herbert trails along behind the others.)
Shirley: (Realizing the mistake as they approach the door.) We don’t have a key to open the door!
Edward: (Looking around nervously.) I can hack computers, but I can’t open doors. That isn’t my specialty.
Herbert: (Finally seeming somewhat awake.) Wait a second. I know what we can do. It’s just…I have an idea, but now I can’t remember what it is.
Shirley & Edward: (Looking at him in bewilderment.) What?
Edward: You had an idea?
Shirley: Spit it out, we need to get in there. I can’t get fired. Think of all of the times I still need to dress up as Gandalf!
Edward: Because you don’t dress up as Sherlock enough…
Shirley: Oh, shut up. Like you are any better with all of the ‘nature snacks’ that you give us. We all know that they aren’t ‘natural’ so to speak.
Edward: Excuse me?!
Shirley: Oh you are definitely excused, but that doesn’t forgive you-
Herbert: (Cutting Shirley off before she gets into some long rant about something that is completely irrelevant.) Guys, I will remember what my idea is if you give me some quiet. The entire building can probably hear us because of how loud you two are being, like an old married couple.
Shirley: (Completely taken back.)What?
Herbert: Nothing, now let me think…
(He begins to pace the floor. He mutters to himself as he does so. From the side of the stage an extra comes on holding a sign that has the words “3 Hours Later…”)
Mindi: What are we still doing here? God, my nails are chipping.
Herbert: I need to think. (Considering for a second) Nails… Nails… NAILS!!! That’s it! Mindi come here! (Mindi hesitates before coming over.) Hold out your hand. (She obeys and Herbert wedges her fingernails into the door lock, opening it.) I knew it would come to me eventually.
Shirley: Wow that was amazing! How did you open the door with no key?
Mindi: (Shrieking) You just like, can’t underestimate my nails- My NAILS! Oh my god! It chipped!
Edward: Shut up! We are finally in can’t you be happy about that?
(Mindi is taken aback and is unhappy about his tone of voice. She immediately begins to blow on her nails as though trying to fix them whilst the others proceed to go into the office finally. The office is just a regular room with one desk. There is a computer on the desk and a chair. As it turns out there is no nail polish in the room as Mindi had hoped. She is very angry when she discovers this.)
Mindi: You lied!
Shirley: Yup, and you were stupid enough to believe that Cliff would buy nail polish for you.
Mindi: Why wouldn’t he, pink is a very nice color on a man.
Edward: What man would wear hot pink nail polish?
Mindi: (Beginning a thought about fashion.) Well, for one thing, the color-
Herbert: (Cutting her off.)So how are we going to get into his security system?
(Mindi and Shirley looked shocked as Herb still stood in front of them, awake for once.)
Edward: I gave Herb some coffee…
Herbert: (Standing straight) Yup.
(Shirley and Mindi stare in disbelief.)
Shirley: I-I didn’t know you had the capability to stand!
Mindi: Or to not sleep!
Herbert: Eh, I’m still kind’a tired though…
Edward: Alright guys now I just- (Looks at Hebert) What?
Herbert: I might go to sleep soon…
Edward: No way! I gave you an espresso brewed with Mountain Dew and Red Bull! That would have killed a normal person!
Shirley: Well to be honest, when I first saw him I thought he was going through rigor mortis.
Mindi: Really, ‘cause I thought he was like dead! (Shirley looks at Mindi in disbelief of what she just said.)
Edward: (Moves over toward the computer, his hands brushing it just lightly, almost as though this is what he is meant to do.) All right.
Scene 13
(Edward has finally managed to hack into the Chairman’s computer. He is now browsing through the files that the Chairman has on his desktop. He is finding nothing about anyone being fired. Shirley is standing next to him, trying to help him figure it out. The two are pointing at the screen as though to point out different files to pull up. Shirley, in frustration, takes off her ski mask. Mindi is sitting on the desk, fretting over her nails, but not saying anything. Herbert has already fallen asleep on the floor. He is lying there without movement. Suddenly, from off stage a voice is heard. )
Cliff: (On his phone…) Yes, I know. I am about to enter the work room. I am sorry boss, for forgetting the files. Yes, it is the weekend, but I am picking them up anyway. I will work on them tomorrow and send you the final copies. (He walks on stage at this point, still talking on his phone. He walks through the workroom desks that are connected to the office.) Uh, huh. I know. That makes sense. I agree. Alright, thank you very much. I need to go now.
(Shirley and Edward look up from their work and give each other nervous looks.)
Shirley: Did you hear that? Is someone there…
(The Chairman is now texting on his phone, and is slowly moving toward the office door.)
Edward: Wake up Herb! (He slaps him on the back, and Herbert wakes up abruptly. He sluggishly gets up, just in time for Chairman Hanger to get out his keys and attempt to unlock the office door.)
Cliff: That’s strange, could have sworn I locked the door when I left yesterday.
(The four in the room catch their breath and hold it to build suspense. When the Chairman opens the door, everyone stops moving. Cliff is still, but sees Shirley without her mask on and realizes it is her.)
Cliff: Shirley? Is that you? Who are these people? What are you doing here?
(Edward, Herbert, and Mindi yank off their ski masks too.)
Cliff: What on earth are you guys doing?! Are you breaking into my office?
Edward: (Thinking quickly, but stuttering as he does.) Well…We were…Trying to, uh, get into…uh… (Pulling a sticky note from his back pocket.) Nature sticker?
Cliff: No! Stop it, all of you! (Catches sight of Herbert, standing up. Cliff looks confused) Who are you?
Herbert: (He looks equally confused.) I am Herbert, your nephew.
Cliff: No you are not. I know my nephew and he wouldn’t even be awake right now. Wait, here go to sleep…
Herbert: (Sighs heavily and moves over toward the chair that Edward had been sitting in. Sluggishly, he sits down and puts his head down on the desk.)
Cliff: Oh, now I see it. But what earth are you four doing here! I should have YOU ALL FIRED! It is illegal to break into a work office! What were you all thinking? (His words strike fear into the hearts of all standing near, except for Herbert, who is already asleep. Shirley and Edward both go stiff and Mindi begins to open her big mouth.)
Mindi: Cliff, you can’t fire all of us. How am I going to afford the new fashion brands and designs? You know how much that means to-
Cliff: (Frustrated.) Shut up, Mindi, please. There is no way you could have come up with an idea to break into my office. I want to know who did.
Edward: (Beginning to speak.) Well we were-
Shirley: (Suddenly she seems very angry.) You know what Cliff? Mindi overheard you threatening to fire one of us! So we came here to figure out who, but now that I am here, I don’t think I can take working for you anymore. Not letting us know if you are going to ‘just let someone go.’ (She is getting progressively closer to him and with each step she gets more and more angry.) So you know what, Cliff? I QUIT! I cannot take a moment more of this. Wondering whether or not I am going to have to find another job. You are a terrible person. (Turning toward her coworkers.) What do you guys think? Why do we have to work for this oaf anymore?
(For a second there seems to be sense in what she is saying. But, as Edward thinks about it, he realizes something that he hadn’t before.)
Herbert: Sharon’s right!
Shirley: It’s Shirley.
Herbert: Shirley’s right! I gu- (Edward covers his mouth to stop him.)
Edward: Uh, you quit?
Shirley: Yeah…?
Edward: You’re alone in quitting, Shirley. Our problems are solved. Now the rest of us don’t have to worry about being fired.
(Shirley is dumbfounded.)
Mindi: Meaning that nobody needs to get fired! Like see? I can do smart things too!
Cliff: Well, if that is what you think, Sherlock. You no longer work here. Such a shame, I was going to give you access to the London Accounts, but though you don’t make any sense, that isn’t my problem anymore. Good-bye. I will need you to clear your desk.
Shirley: Wai-wha-? (She realizes what has just happened. She turns toward her coworkers.) You guys are disgusting. Don’t bother calling me Sherlock anymore, because now I am Moriarty, and you all owe me a fall. You owe me a fall. I will get you because you repel me. (Her words are slow and deliberate. She suddenly starts talking like Gollum.) Yes, I will get them precious. They will pay for this. They will pay. (She storms off stage)
Edward: Oh, Watson, this isn’t good.
(Later)
Cliff: Well everyone I think that was a cased closed!
Edward: Good? Good? We lost one of our best employees, and I’m all out of oats!!!
Herbert: And he sound of Sherlock talking isn’t boring me to slee-(ZZZ)
Mindi: Well at least we still have our jobs, and my nails…
Edward: Speaking of which, Chairman, who were you going to fire?
Cliff: Uh, fire? (Edward and the others stopped what they are doing, they become wide eyed, and look at the chairman.) What made you think I was going to fire any of you?
Edward: Because Mindi said in your voice that “Yes, I know of the consequences. Unfortunately, I think it is about time to let go. Yes, things are going to change, but hopefully I won’t lose everyone. This is going to be a difficult transition.”
Cliff: I was talking to my friend about my divorce
Everyone: Wait… What?
Cliff: Yeah, my wife wanted a divorce, and I thought it was time to let go and accept the divorce papers.
Herbert: But what about the losing everyone part?
Cliff: I was talking about my kids, you know your cousins?
Herbert: I have cousins?
Cliff: Yeah, well yesterday I found out why she wanted a divorce, I explained it to her that it wasn’t my fault, and now we are calling the divorce off!
Edward: Wait, what was the dispute about then?
Cliff: Oh she thought I was cheating on her because one of my credit cards was blown up with pedicure items; however, the card that was used was a card I lost long ago… I wonder who took it. (Everyone looks at Mindi)
Mindi: What?
Edward: Well all’s well must end well, I hope…
Herbert: Good, now can we call it a day now. I’m tired.
Cliff: (Laughs)
Shirley: (Shirley pokes her head out from back stage.) Oh yes it does, Precious.