I finished high school at Pepperidge High. With only two months left, I decided not to opt for online classes even though sometimes I really wanted to.
Palmer and Daquan still hung out with me even though the basketball season was over. They were the only two who knew what happened that night of the party; how I nearly died. How Brynn saved my life. Since I told them, they always eyed me cautiously when they thought I wasn't looking, but I was done with drugs. I meant it.
Brynn's mom had me on other medications to take until my body was entirely cleansed from the heroin. After just that one dose of heroin, my body experienced withdrawals. But like I said, I was better every day.
And Brynn...she drove me crazy. But she cared...in a weird way.
"I have an idea." She braided her poufy hair in the mirror. "We could share an apartment once we get to college. It's cheaper."
"Unless they make us stay in dorms the first year."
"They don't. I already googled it." She turned and looked at me.
I folded up my clothes and stuffed them in my drawers. We were in my room. Well, her brother's room. He was older than us and already moved out last year. But this was my room for the remainder of the year. I warmed up to it pretty quick.
"Okay then. Sharing an apartment's not a bad idea." Except maybe it would be? Sometimes, I still didn't exactly trust myself with her.
Brynn and I got pretty close in the two months we stayed together. Nothing ever happened between us; her parents made sure of it. Separate rooms after seven, no sharing beds. If we were ever in the room together during the day, the door had to stay open. I was just a visitor. That was it.
But sometimes...Brynn snuck in my room after her parents went to bed and we just talked about life. High school. How crappy PHS turned out to be. She ditched Max and Jacob because they only wanted her for "fun." Somewhere along the way, she found her worth. She was sick of guys who never appreciated her.
She was smarter than I gave her credit for.
"I heard you were quite an asshole this semester." Brynn walked to my bed and plopped down on her back before propping her feet on my pillow. "I totally believe it."
I chuckled. "Okay. Good to know."
"For the record, I've always been an asshole. I beat you out; you only just became one."
I closed the last drawer and walked to the bed before plopping down next to her, our arms aligned, my feet also on my pillow. I turned my head towards her. "Oh yeah? But last I checked...you were softening up."
She rolled her eyes. "Under obligation."
"Yeah. Sure."
We both stared up at her ceiling.
"I have a question," I said.
"Ask away."
"Why were you at the Pepperidge Park that night I overdosed? It was what, three, four in the morning? Why were you crossing the bridge so late?"
She narrowed her eyes at the ceiling. "It's personal."
"You can tell me."
"God, stop making everything sound so...I don't know, sappy! 'You can tell me.' Like I've got some dirty little secrets." But she smiled. "Have you ever crossed the bridge?"
"Of course. Who wouldn't?"
She bit her lip. Her lipstick stayed. "There's this grove of trees up there. People hang all kinds of origami from the branches, sometimes stuff them in the holes of trees. It's actually quite beautiful. And I never use that word."
I turned my head and studied her expression. "Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. People write stuff in the origami. I guess...I decided to start adding stuff to it. I write poetry. I don't think anyone would take down the origami, but if they ever did, I'd want them to come across my poems and feel inspired by them. Honestly, I've taken down a few papers of my own just to open them up like fortune cookies and see what's inside. A lot of people are hurting, you know. So I started writing anonymous notes back. Poems of encouragement."
Her words left a strange tingly sensation in my chest. "You have a good heart."
She shrugged.
"Tell me a poem."
"Hell no."
"Why not?"
"They're...personal." She folded her hands on her stomach. "Maybe later."
"Fine, later. You know..." I shifted to my side and propped my head on my hand. "Azaleah and I actually started that tree."
She turned her head and met my eyes. "No way."
"Yes way."
"You two were the first to add stuff? You made that sign?"
I nodded. She fell silent for a few minutes.
"I never knew Z liked doing that kind of stuff." Her voice was low, a little sad. "She was so quiet and she never told me anything. I just thought...Dean needed me more. I mean...he was in prison. But I should've paid more attention."
"Even if you did...it wouldn't have mattered."
"Yeah. I guess that's true."
Brynn didn't say it, but I finally agreed: Azaleah didn't want us to save her, but that was her decision and there wasn't a right or wrong way to do it. And not everyone needed saving; they just needed a little push in the right direction. Everything else rested in their hands.
"Tomorrow is your graduation. Can you believe so much time has gone by?"
I shook my head. "It's all a blur to me."
"You better not go back to drugs in college."
I held my hands up, palm-out. "I'm good. Clean for as long as I'm alive."
"Good."
I had to stay clean. Awake. I didn't want to enter another fog. I wanted to get back into painting. I still couldn't use my right hand, but over summer I planned to undergo physical therapy. All my savings from my waiter job now went to that. I'd start painting again.
"You know," Brynn continued thoughtfully, "I still have Marlin's contact info if you want it. Or are you all polite and call him Mr. Mello?"
I smiled. "Just Mello. Where'd he even go? I sorta miss that guy."
"He's now a corrections officer, believe it or not. Guess being a disciplinarian inspired him."
Maybe I did, too.
"So you want his info? Maybe you can talk to him and meet up or something. Tell him everything that happened. Or not. But he's actually probably the best person you can talk to about drug programs, staying clean, making lifestyle changes, stuff like that."
"Yeah, I'll give him a call." I did miss Mello. I think he was the only adult who noticed things the rest of the world ignored. And he let me get away with...a lot. I never did talk to him again; not after that day in the auditorium.
"You know, I called him a lot last year to get info on Dean. I wanted to make sure he was looking into programs that might help Dean once he was out of prison, and I just...I don't know. Marlin's actually a pretty good dad, and even that wasn't enough to save his son. And even he told me to stay away from Dean. 'Not because I think you're bad for him,' he said. 'But because I know my son, and he's going to hurt you.' I got so...mad. Actually, I think you were in his office the day of that argument."
Was I? Damn. Time really had gone by. "Yeah, I was always there last year."
"Yeah...so that was that. But honestly, I think you were Marlin's favorite rule breaker. Once when I was in his office, he told me it took a lot of guts for you to do all that you did."
"He said that? I loved pushing his buttons."
She laughed softly. "Well, if you would've stopped by his office just once more during the fall semester, you would've seen your painting on his wall."
"Wait, really?"
She nodded.
And I couldn't help but smile. I was right: he totally missed me.
"But anyway," Brynn continued. "I'm curious to see where your talent goes."
I ran a hand through my hair and shrugged nonchalantly. "Yeah, don't you wish you were as talented as me?"
She looked at me with her mouth open before shoving me off the bed. I landed with a thud on the floor.
She got freaking strong. All those online gym classes?
"I'm kidding. You're a poet; bet that talent beats out all others." I sat up and propped my arms on her bed. It was fun messing with her sometimes. She was like this fireball who burned you but also gave you light when you needed it. "You wanna be a doctor like your mom, right?"
"Maybe. I mean, I like saving people."
I studied her long lashes and her silver lips. She always had perfect lips.
"Remember that day in the parking lot at the beginning of the semester?"
"When you wouldn't let me get in my car? Oh yeah, I remember perfectly. I was tempted to run you over once you finally let me get inside."
Yikes. "Good to know. Anyway, I remember you telling me that you were done saving people." I paused. "What happened to that?"
She pondered my question before saying, "Sometimes...you reminded me of Dean. But that's not why I saved you; you're nothing like him and his sorry excuse for a human being. I mean, he shot someone."
"Yeah...I'd never do that."
"Of course not. And I just always sensed some kind of...emptiness, a sadness around you. At first I thought it was cockiness. But I think...deep down, you wanted someone to come in and save you when you realized you couldn't save yourself. Besides, I realized you can't give up on people, you can only let them go if they want to leave. But if you choose to do that, at least leave them with something. A seed, something that'll remind them that you cared."
I studied her lips as she spoke. Those words were definitely sweet.
"I think you'd be good at it," I whispered, moving a little closer. "Saving people, I mean. Saving lives."
Her eyes followed me. She shifted a little closer to me, still on her back, her head tilted in my direction. "I'll do my best."
She was close. I leaned closer. The tingling in my chest spread and I realized this feeling was a little bit new...I felt something like it before, but not quite this warming. Like I might finally be okay. My life might finally be okay.
It wasn't right. I couldn't kiss her. She was Azaleah's best friend.
But when we were just a breath apart, I decided the past...was just the past. And maybe the future Azaleah and I once imagined together didn't belong to me. It didn't belong to either of us. Fate had stuck us together, but it was only for a moment.
I leaned closer and Brynn closed her eyes. When I closed my own eyes, our lips met.
Maybe I was too gentle and cautious. Maybe I proved any rumors that still remained. But life was just beginning for me, and maybe for the first time. I wanted everything to finally go right, to finally live the life I should have lived. But even if I didn't, I promised myself I would make it through again and again and again. Because it was true: I was a fighter. But I was also the painter of my own canvas.
Her lips were soft and smooth; perfectly plump. She reached a hand up and gently ran her hands through my hair to hold my head close to hers.
We kissed for several minutes. That's all it was. It was...sweet. Innocent.
Who knew life could happen this way? I never would've expected it.
Maybe through all this, Brynn was my silver-lining.
And I realized in that moment that gray wasn't always a bad thing. If I ever expected to truly appreciate the color in the world, I had to go through the gray. You had to push through the clouds to get to the rainbow on the other side. It was always messy. It was always difficult, and sometimes it seemed there could never be a way out.
But sometimes...gray was beautiful. Or it had a beautiful outcome. Gray wasn't always a cloud hovering over your head; sometimes it was the gold and silver at the end of the rainbow.