By the time Jezebel wakes up, it's already 11 a.m.. We keep going.
Jezebel is completely freaked out. She keeps breaking down, and nothing lifts her spirits.
The mini psychopaths call, but this time, it's Goodie. Goodie asks me to tell a story.
As according to the dare I got from Jezebel, I tell the brats the entire Fifty Shades trilogy, but with tons of swearing. And Goodie actually wants more. And not just any romantic, fucking fairy tale, but downright adult content. Goodie, despite his name, wants to hear about fucking sex.
What. The. Actual. Fuck.
My deduction? Goodie is either a sadist, a masochist, both, or none and a huge perv.
I end up making up a story, and I tell it to him as I walk after the others through the forest.
"There was a boy. His name was…uh…Oscar Robinson," I invent. "He had blond hair and blue eyes, and he was sexy as shit, so the girls all swooned over him. Due to his good looks, he became a model, and quickly rose to become a cover boy."
"Go on," says Goodie.
"One day, after a fashion show for the elite, Oscar was exhausted. He wanted a break, and he wanted to get away from the screams of his fucking girlfriend wannabes, and the cameras of the fucking paparazzi.
"The paparazzi and fans chased him. Oscar only managed to escape by putting on a red wig, a coat, sunglasses and a ton of makeup. Nobody could connect the ginger in the untasteful clothes with the radiant Oscar Robinson, a star who had once shone so bright. Only mere minutes after his departure…" I pause to think of something, "it started to rain, and he…didn't have…an umbrella, and he was…cold and wet?"
"Go on," was Goodie's answer.
"The rain beat down on Oscar, and he wished he had an umbrella as he stood in the rain, the seemingly weak and fragile water droplets beating him. Suddenly, the torture stopped. A girl was holding an umbrella over his head. 'I think we can share,' said the girl. 'Thank you so much,' replied the boy." Fuck, I'm a terrible storyteller!
Goodie absorbs it anyway. "Go on."
"'Where do you live,' asked the girl. Oscar told the girl to drop him off at the subway station, he had his wallet and he could take the subway. As they arrived, Oscar asked for the girl's adress, and a name or nickname. The girl gave him both, and bade him goodbye."
I'm a shit storyteller.
"Go on."
"ORSON FUCKING GOLDBLOOM!"
"What?!" I turn to see Kev yelling at me. Evan is drawing her knife, and Jez is arguing with a bunch of black elves with weapons of shaped molten lava drawn. Yes, I think I'll keep their names this way.
"I yelled your name three fucking times! Get your sickle and fight!" Kev pointed at Jez and the elves.
I promptly end the call, promising to continue, and quickly draw my sickle.
The elves are yelling in a language I don't know at us. Then, after a few minutes, Jez answers in the same language. I don't know what the fuck she's talking about, but I can tell that she's yelling at them to back off.
The lead elf calls back something even fiercer, probably a few well-chosen swear words, and Jez limps forwards on her pretend cane. Her pretty face was livid with anger. As she argues, she makes a cutthroat gesture with her hand and gives them the middle finger.
The lead elf looks affronted, or at least I think so.
Jez yells something at us.
"What?!" Evan asks, katana in hand.
After a few tries, Jez finally speaks English. "Those elves are telling us to leave, on authority of Satan. And they won't fuck off. We have to do this the hard way."
I nod and step forward. On either side of me, Evan and Kev follow. Then, the whole scene is chaos.
I slice my way through the elves, who all advance as one. I see Evan doing the same.
One elf takes Jez's limp as weakness and attacks her. In less than a second, he's speared through the heart.
Sometime during the battle, my cell phone rings. I take it as a very impatient Goodie, and ignore it.
"Ugh!" Kev shouts behind me as he swiftly disarms an elf, and slashes him.
"Ha!" cries Evan as she stabs the lead elf.
"What the," yelps one of the elves as he is pinned down by me.
"You speak English?" I ask before decapitating him.
The battle is crazy, but we soon gain the upper hand. When only one enemy is left, and he's on the ground, only Evan is hurt, and very slightly.
Jez is about to finish off the last elf when she asks, "Do you know where Amber is? Amber Skyward?"
Confused, the elf says something in that strange language I don't understand.
Jez sighs. "Jeez, I forgot." She repeats the question, but in that language.
The elf shakes his head.
Jez speaks again, and finds a small blade at her belt. She threatens the elf with it.
The elf starts blubbering.
Jez stands up, dragging the elf with one hand and her "walking cane" in the other. "Come on, team. Let's kick some Satan ass."