guanlin:
i..
guanlin:
i would have never guessed that you went through that kind of pain..
you:
nobody would have
you:
i mean it's not exactly a common occurance
guanlin:
am i really the first guy you let into your house for 11 years??
guanlin:
why, though?
guanlin:
why did you let a complete stranger in?
you:
well, to be honest
you:
i'm not exactly sure myself
you:
i just felt so compelled to. seeing you out there in the dark, in the rain
guanlin:
doesn't quite answer the question but i'll take it :))
guanlin:
oh, and i was wondering about something..
guanlin:
are you free now? do you mind going out with me?
you:
where to?
guanlin:
to a place where the only thing you see are stars and the vast sky they're swimming in
guanlin:
my mum used to bring me there every single night when i was a kid
guanlin:
don't worry, i'm completely harmless. i promise i won't do anything to you, alright?
you:
that doesn't sound too bad, actually. i haven't went out to see the stars in so long, i can't even remember the last time i did
you:
so, sure, i trust you
guanlin:
i'll be at your house in a few minutes. the place isn't too far away from here, just a few bus stops and we're there
guanlin:
see you later, heeun
you:
see you later, guanlin
;
i put on a pair of black jeans and slipped on a warm jacket, also not forgetting to bring an umbrella, just in case the rain decides to pay us a visit again.
after turning off the lights, almost on cue, the doorbell rung. i skipped down the stairs, feeling a tinge of excitement for the first time in a long while.
even if we were just going to see the stars, i couldn't wait for it. the way guanlin described it was so alluring, he made everything sound so beautiful and perfect.
he stood outside the front gate, his black clothing contrasted with the paleness of his skin. he gave me a small smile as i shut the gate, "let's go?". i nodded, he took the clue and made his way towards the bus stop, the same one we met a few days ago.
the bus ride was silent, but not awkward. guanlin didn't take the seat next to me, he was afraid that it'll make me uncomfortable.
i was grateful for that. the bus was almost completely empty, with the exception of the bus driver, a couple of other people and us two.
the sky was dark, i could see a few stars twinkling and the moon that reminded me of guanlin's eyes when he laughed. a heavenly sound i would never get sick of hearing, even if it was the only thing i could hear for the rest of my life.
i turned towards guanlin, he was already looking at me, "it's our stop." he climbed out of his seat, i did the same.
we stepped off the bus, the streetlights were dim, but it was enough.
guanlin pointed towards a hill in the distance, i nodded. it was awfully quiet, the crickets' cries were the only thing that made the journey towards the hill bearable.
he patted the grass before sitting down on it, gesturing for me to sit down beside him.
we laid our heads on the grass, eyes fixed on the beautiful field of stars in the sky.
there were so many, all of different shapes and sizes. some were dimmer than the others, and some were brighter.
"you know," i began, breaking the silence between us that started to grow awkward as time passed. "i would never have thought that going star-gazing at 9pm on a saturday, with a boy i just met, could be so enjoyable."
guanlin chuckled softly, i felt the edges of my lips curl upwards.
"i'm glad." he whispered, "i'm glad you like it."
"look at that one, it's so much brighter than the rest!" i pointed to the sky, with a smile stretched as wide as the sky itself.
the star was twinkling so brightly, it wasn't larger than the rest of the stars, but it shone so bright you couldn't help but look at it.
i looked at guanlin, who turned to look at me.
our eyes met for a split second before i abruptly turned away, my gaze fixed on the stars instead of him.
"heeun.." i could feel his breath on the side of my face.
"when the moonlight shines on your face, why do you appear so much more beautiful?"
a simple comment made my heart beat, quicker than it ever did before. my breath hitched as he continued to stare at me with those beautiful eyes.
i met his gaze, even in the dark, i could see the twinkles in his eyes. i could see myself in them, as ordinary as ever. i couldn't see any beauty.
all i saw was a girl who cried herself to sleep every night. all i saw was a girl who didn't dare to reach out to anyone.
all i saw was a girl who could only see the world for how ugly it was, not for how beautiful it is.
"don't lie. i'm not beautiful." i broke eye contact with guanlin, but i could still feel his gaze on me.
"why would i lie? you're beautiful, you just don't see it. you've been trapped in a shell your whole life, unable to escape. you think everything is ugly, but you don't realise that everything can be beautiful." his words sunk deep into my heart,
"the star you pointed to just now, the star you said was so much brighter than the rest? that star is you, heeun. but you just don't realise it, do you? you look into the mirror every single day, pointing out your flaws, but you don't see the things that everyone else do. you don't see the things that make you shine so much brighter than the rest of the world, the things that make you stand out even though you are no different from the rest."
my eyes turned wide, i felt a lump in my throat as guanlin's words swam around inside my head, repeating themselves over and over again.
"you don't see the things that make you shine so much brighter than the rest of the world."
images of a three year old me, with a bright smile on my face. my small hands were held by my dad and mom, who both had smiles as wide and as beautiful as mine.
we were in a park, the birds chirped and other kids were playing catch in the playground. they were laughing even though they fell down, they smiled even though it hurt.
"dad, why is that boy laughing? doesn't it hurt?" i heard the three year old me ask, innocence stained every word that escaped my pink lips.
"of course it hurts, but when you learn to be brave and take pain like a hero, it won't hurt anymore. because pain is nothing but a test of bravery. be brave, and it won't hurt anymore."
"okay! i'll be brave, because i don't want it to hurt." i smiled. my dad gave my mom a grin, which she returned with one of her own.