Time in the room passes slowly. We all fall into a sleepy silence, listening to the ticking of the clock and the whir of the cell separator.
Lexi falls asleep, snoring with her mouth open.
Jay wakes up, wiping her eyes with her hands. Isaac holds a finger to his lips when she begins to talk, helping her into a sitting position. He whispers things to her that I can't hear as Patel takes her IV out.
"Are you okay?" she asks me in a whisper. I nod, stroking Lexi's hair some more.
Jay takes a deep breath and grabs Isaac's shoulder. He picks her up like she's made of paper, carrying her across the room to a chair beside me. He sits beside her, pulling a piece of paper and a pencil out of his pocket. As she rests her head on his shoulder, he draws a picture of her, surrounded by wires and darkness.
As we sit there, I begin to feel the effects of the virus. Every breath requires effort; my ribs burn as I struggle to straighten up and breathe. The floor sways under me, regardless of the fact that I'm sitting still. My head feels light, like I'm on the water. I'm hot, beading sweat, but my skin is cold to the touch.
"Quinn?"
Isaac's voice forces me to open my eyes, but he's blurry in front of me.
"How long has it been?" I ask, voice dry and cracking.
"Three hours," Isaac says, "You don't look good at all. How're you feeling?"
I look down at the girl sleeping in my lap. Her cheeks are slightly pink; drool pools up on my pants under her mouth. I can't see the freckles on her cheeks anymore, even if I tried.
"It's the beginning of the end," I whisper, taking a shaky, painful breath.
My shuddering wakes Lexi up. She rubs her face, eyes not yet open, stretching her fingers out as she does so.
"Lexi," I say, tapping her nose with a stiff finger. She looks at me with one eye open. "Can you promise me something?"
She sits up, squinting at me.
"Yeah, sure," she mumbles, popping her neck.
"Will you take care of Elliot like you take care of me?" I ask, knitting my hands together in my lap. The action sends pain up my arms, but the stiffness in my joints scares me. So, I grit my teeth and do it anyway.
I look up at Lexi, who is chewing on her bottom lip. Tears well up in her eyes again, and her chin trembles.
"I want you to tell him how much I wanted a little brother," I continue, looking away, "Tell him everything about me, good and bad. I want him to know me for who I really was."
"So you want me to tell him how spineless you are?" Lexi asks, strangled.
I smile.
"Yes. Tell him I was an absolute coward but that I was smart. I want him to grow up fearless and strong. The opposite of me."
Lexi grabs my hand, tangling her fingers in mine. She gives me a squeeze, and I wince.
"I promise, Q," she says, "That I will take care of him, just like I've taken care of you. No harm will ever come to him while I'm around."
I nod, swallowing the knot that I feel rising up in my throat.
With that taken care of, there's only one thing left to do before I let go.
"I want to go downstairs," I say, a little louder.
Jay sits up, looking over at me. Isaac puts his pencil down, nodding.
"Are you able?" Jay asks, cocking her head at me. I shrug, letting go of Lexi.
Isaac offers me a hand, which I gladly take.
"Quinn, don't push yourself," Jay continues, jumping out of her seat. Lexi hasn't yet moved, watching my pained steps across the room instead. "You're weak, and you don't have much time left. Wouldn't you rather-"
"Jaelyn, shut up," Isaac says, cutting her off, "He wants to go say goodbye to his mother."
Jay takes a step back, eyes wide.
Isaac helps me to the door, where we are joined by a quiet but helpful Lexi. She takes my bad arm, holding my hand with a gentleness I've never felt from her before.
"Are you coming?" Isaac asks Jay, who has her arms crossed over her chest and is chewing on one of her fingernails. She nods, chasing after us.
We load into the elevator, and Isaac pushes the button directing us toward the basement.
In my sixteen years, I've only thought once about saying goodbye to my mom. Even then, when I was considering that I might have failed the Exam, it didn't feel like an actual possibility.
Yet, here I am, ready to say goodbye to her for a final time.
What do I even say?
Do I thank her for allowing me to be annoying when I obsessed over subjects? Do I tell her how much I loved her cooking, even when she burned it? Do I apologize for coming home late sometimes and for sneaking out other times? How do I sum up sixteen years of a life in a few minutes?
I cling to Lexi, fighting the nausea that comes with the movement of the elevator. When the doors open, I shiver, but the air that washes over us is warm.
"Jaelyn," a male voice says, and Jay rushes forward out of the elevator to the first cell.
The silhouette I see has to be Dr. Price. He's a dingy white colored blob, which can only be his dusty lab coat that Kovach brought him in wearing.
"Are you okay?" Dr. Price asks, standing to greet us.
"Yeah," Jay and I say together. She glances at me, but I just shrug, turning away from them. They aren't why I came.
"Cathy," Lexi says in the smallest voice I've ever heard come out of her. I follow her trail of red to the back corner of the cell. As I get closer, Mom comes into view.
Her jaundice has faded, replaced by an ashy gray. All color has left her face. Sweat drenches her clothes; the smell of decomposing flesh fills the cell. It's a strong smell, a mixture of spoiled meat and milk, and it only makes my nausea worse.
"Alexis," Mom whispers, opening her eyes so she can see us through her lashes.
Lexi falls down onto her knees, reaching for baby Elliot who is asleep in Mom's arms. She hands him over without fighting it, sighing in relief when her arms fall into her lap weakly.
"How are you feeling?" I ask as Lexi walks away holding Elliot.
Mom's laughter comes quick and dry.
"I feel like a corpse," she says, closing her eyes again, "The- um, I know the word. It starts with an 'h'."
"Hallucinations?"
"Yes. The hallucinations will start soon."
The fact that she forgot the word tells me that her mind is already failing. The virus is affecting her at a faster rate than expected. She is already past saving.
"Quinn?"
I look back up at her, nodding.
"Can you do me a favor?" she asks.
"Of course. What is it?"
She takes a deep breath before reaching out for my hand. Her skin feels wet and hot, covered in the purple veins of the virus.
"Will you kill me before I go insane?"
I jerk my hand back from her, falling to the ground as I try to back up. My body shakes in pain from the impact, making me grit my teeth. I shake my head violently, ignoring the splitting pain that surrounds my eyes.
"Please, Quinn. I don't want to get to that point. I want to end my life on my own terms. Not as an infected."
I'm still shaking my head when Lexi returns, holding Elliot against her shoulder. She puts a hand on my arm, giant eyes pleading with me.
I understand why. I would want someone to do the same thing, but the thought terrorizes me.
I can't shoot my mother, and I can't let someone else do it, either.
"Please, Quinn," Mom repeats, reaching out to touch my face. I slide away from her purple tinted fingernails, taking a deep breath.
"I can't do that," I whisper, shaking my head, "I can't."
Isaac appears on the other side of me. His presence alone calms me down. Jay stands behind him, arms crossed.
"I'll do it," she says, voice low.
I turn around to look up at her, scowling.
"You'll kill my mom? What sort of Mommy issues do you have?" I ask, glaring.
Jay laughs, rubbing her forehead.
"I don't have a mother," she mumbles, "Mine was lost to the virus when I was little. I watched her go crazy. The woman I cried over and wanted to see so bad never came back to me, even when I found her years later. Trust me, this is better than letting her fall to the virus."
We stare at each other for a minute before Jay exhales, holding her hands up in the air.
"You can't do it, and I know Isaac can't do it. That leaves me," she says, "But I won't do it unless you give permission."
I know it's the right thing to do. Mom wants it, and I don't really want to see her lose her mind either. She's my mother, though. How do I tell someone to shoot her?
I nod, in slow motion, clenching my eyes closed.
"If it's what she wants," I whisper, pushing myself back onto my feet.
Mom smiles up at me, but her eyes hold a terrible pain that I can't name. I kneel back down, giving her a soft hug.
"I love you," I whisper into the ashy skin of her neck. By now, I'm crying, but she isn't.
"I love you more, Quinn," she whispers back. "Now, get out of here and take care of your brother and Alexis."
I laugh, wiping my face.
"Lexi doesn't need me to take care of her," I mutter, glancing at her over my shoulder.
She's pacing in the hallway, whispering things to Elliot who stares up at her in awe. I know how he feels; I look at her that way some times.
"Something's different between you two," Mom says.
"You're dying, and you choose to comment on this?" I ask, shaking my head, "She's my best friend, Mom. That hasn't changed."
"But your feelings for her have."
I look back down at Mom, scrunching my face up. How does she do that? Am I translucent? Her gentle smile returns, and she nods.
"I knew it," she mutters, clutching her chest, "Go."
I nod, backing up towards the door. Lexi, with Elliot in tow, meets me at the door to the cell. She smiles and walks towards the elevator.
As we turn and enter, I watch Isaac and Jaelyn.
He hands her the gun he carries, pulling two bright orange balls out of his dirty jean pockets. He plugs his ears with them, pulling Dr. Price away from my mother. Both of them turn their back on Jay as she kneels down and says something to Mom.
I had expected more out of our goodbye.
Yet, I just feel empty.
And enraged.
"Shut the door," I say, watching Jay cock the gun as she stands back up. Lexi pushes the elevator button, snaking her hand around me and pulling me into a hug with Elliot between us.
The gunshot fills every corner of the elevator, molding into the dark corners of my empty chest.
The doors open a minute later, and Isaac and Jay join us in the elevator. Jay keeps her eyes on the ground, leaning against Isaac as the elevator lurches forward.