I'm past the point of surprise when Will tells me the story of Connor and his most evil deed. Though I still freak out, Will assures me that he doesn't think anything happened - he got there just in time to save the day.
I never suspected. I never would have guessed that Connor could be like that, but I have seen first hand that he can be. I wish so badly that it wouldn't have happened to that girl. I also wish so badly that Connor would just leave my life. I don't think I could look at him anymore.
I huddle by the vent in Will's car as he closes my door and makes his way over to his door before sliding in. The car is thankfully warmed up within the next few minutes.
"Why didn't you say something to me when you came home and saw that I was with him?" I ask calmly. I never would have went near Connor if I would've known the things he had done. And for Will to know that all of those things happened and not tell me about them... I have no explanation for how I feel.
"To be fair, I tried pretty dang hard to get you away from him, but you wouldn't. You stubborn a-"
"Hey, now," I interrupt. "I know I'm stubborn, but something like that would've gotten me away like... like a girl running away from a spider."
"Great analogy," Will jokes lightly.
I roll my eyes. "I try my best."
"I couldn't tell you because it wasn't my story to tell. I told you now because I guess I don't see any other way out of this. Out this weird relationship we have going on and into the one I missed so much."
"This isn't our old relationship, Will," I tell him and his hands tighten on the steering wheel. He gulps and tries not to look hurt. I reach for his right hand and loosen it, then lace my fingers through his. "This one is going to be better."
There's a smile on his face that I can't help but mimic; feeling this way has always made me do that.
"It's no secret that I love you, Jessa," Will says, kissing my hand lightly.
I chuckle and just watch him drive, not a care in the world that he probably thinks I'm weird for staring.
A thought suddenly hits me as we near the hospital, back to reality. "Speaking of secrets, Mom found out about me not being on the cheerleading team. She also thinks this bruise Connor gave me wasn't from the accident. I think Tori hinted at something, I really do."
"Tori knows he hit you?" There's a hint of hopefulness in his voice.
I shake my head. "No, but she was really suspicious. I don't know what it is with these Ackerman women and not trusting anyone."
"Hah, I don't either," Will says under his breath, but loud enough for me to hear. I smack his shoulder. "You know, it might not be such a bad thing that your parents know. You could press charges and you may not ever have to see him again."
I know this is what I should do. I know this is what Will wants me to do. But that would mean having my parents know, having awkward moments at events such as graduation and other events at school. Not to mention I'd be seeing his parents all the time since Beverly is nothing but the size of an ant. Besides, I've seen what Connor is capable of. What else could he do?
"I don't know if I'm capable of doing that," I say honestly.
"I'll help you, Jess. You don't have to be scared of anything. I'll be right by your side the entire time," Will assures me.
"We'll see," I say.
He must guess that I don't want to talk about it anymore, so he changes the subject.
"I guess you don't have to keep up your end of the deal anymore," he tells me.
I raise an eyebrow. "What deal?"
"He one where I help keep your mom out of the loop about you not being in the cheerleading team and where you help me stay out of my moms radar. Moms find out everything."
I can see the concern in his eyes. He doesn't want to go back to military school, not because he hated it, but because here, he can make people proud of him. He can be with me, show his parents that he's really a good person, and prove old flames wrong. And I want to keep it that way, believe it or not.
"I want to keep up my end of the deal. I always will," I tell him and lean over the console to kiss his cheek. He smiles and squeezes my hand.
*
With my arms wrapped around Will's neck and my legs dangling as he piggy-backs me toward my hospital room, I rest my head against his back. I can hear his heart very, very faintly as it beats along with his breathing.
Before I know it, we're right outside my room and the moment is over. My door is standing wide open and a few nurses are walking in and out. My main nurse finally sees me and her eyes go wide. She quickly rushes over to us and motions for Will to turn and take me around the corner we just came around.
"You had better leave, boy," she tells us. "Jessa's mother is already suspicious she's with you, I don't imagine it going well if she sees you with her."
I don't have to think twice about what I'm doing. I nod to my nurse and she leaves. Will puts me down carefully and gives me the crutches he was holding.
"I'll stay and help you in there, I don't care if I get in trouble," he tells me, holding onto me whatever way he can.
"This is me keeping my end of the deal," I say before leaning up to kiss him. "If my mom finds out I was with you, there's no doubt your parents would be finding out. Now, go before she comes out. I'll call or text you."
He leans down to kiss me again, then a few more times before he leans away. "I'll never get tired of this," he whispers. Then he's gone.
Mom is more upset than Dad is when I walk into the room. They both listen carefully to my story of how I snuck out of my room to go explore the hospital and the courtyard. I tell them I just needed some space.
"You don't do that, Jessa! What if you got hurt? You're already hurt, so what if it got worse? You had me worried sick," Mom exclaims. I almost expect her to give me a hug, but instead she just hugs herself.
Dad purses his lips and looks between my distressed mother and myself.
"Look, honey," Dad says as he puts an arm around me. I'm sitting on my bed now, resting my foot. "She's tired - she's been up worrying about you ever since the accident. Forgive her if she's a little irrational."
Mom narrows her tired eyes at Dad and I sigh. She doesn't say anything, just shakes her head and sits down in a chair near the door.
"You're being released today. When we get home, we have a lot to talk about," Mom explains before heading for my bag and stuffing my things inside. I look at Dad and he just rubs his hand over his face.
It's in this moment that I feel like I've royally screwed up.
*
When we get home, Dad helps me up to my room while Mom makes lunch. I unpack some of my stuff, throwing most of it around my room to the place it belongs. It's hard to unpack a bag when you can't walk.
An hour later, Mom knocks on my door. She brings in a plate of food and sets it on my desk in front of me. I don't touch it though because I know we're about to have a talk.
I listen to her express her concerns about my well being; I've lied countless times to her in the past few months. I'm supposed to be growing up, maturing, and getting away from all the stupid stuff I used to get myself into.
But sometimes "growing up" isn't the answer. Sometimes people just need to escape and be themselves, live a little before life gets in the way. And that's what I need to tell my mom.
"I'm just worried that you're going to spiral out of control. You need to go to college, become a successful young woman, and find yourself a good man. You'll be so much happier that way, Jess."
I know my moms words are genuine and she truly believes that that's what I want to do, but it's not.
All my life she's tried to help me make my decisions.
"You need to be a the cheer captain like your sisters and I was, Jessa."
"You need to keep your grades up so you can be successful like your sisters, Jessa."
"You need to have good behavior to keep up the Ackerman sisters reputation, Jessa."
I'm not angry at my mom. Aome people might have a problem with that, but I don't. She just wants the best for me, but maybe if I tell her what I think is best for me, then she'll understand.
"Mom," I finally say, and she looks at me with full intent to listen. "I don't want to go to college - at least, not yet."
For a few minutes my mom stares at me, shock taking over her features. I can feel myself wanting to hide in the corner with my knees pulled to my chest. I love my mom, but it's undeniable that she's intimidating.
"What are you going to do? Jessa, college will give you a job. You have to go to get a good job," she repeats herself, no doubt slightly panicking.
"I want to explore the country, maybe the world. Maybe only a year, then maybe I'll know what I want to do. I just don't want to be held down before I even had the chance to get up." My heart is racing with excitement of the thought and anxiety of her opinion.
"I hear a lot of maybe's in there, Jessa," she says quietly. "I don't understand why you feel like you'll be held down."
"Because I'll have a million responsibilities, Mom. I want to just be free for a little while longer - that's why I'm kind of happy I didn't make the team this year. I finally have time to just be me," I explain.
She sighs and runs her hands over her thighs. "I have never understood you. Not once. Your father, however, has always had a hunch. He always said you'd be the different one, the one to stray from us before you even came to us. I never believed him."
I don't know what to say, so I remain quiet and pick at my food with my fork.
Mom stands up and rests her hand on my shoulder. She acts like she wants to say something, but instead just squeezes my shoulder and disappears out the door, shutting it behind her.
I can only hope that that's the reaction I needed. She'll come around eventually.
Won't she?
My phone vibrates in its spot on my bed and I reach for it, almost falling from my seat. I manage to grab it and see that I have a text from Will, and also one from Hannah.
I quickly text Hannah back before I answer Will's question of how I'm doing. I know exactly what he's talking about.
I answer with a quick okay and send it, and a moment later he's calling me.
"Hey," I answer. I start to eat a little bit my stomach just doesn't want any food. So push my plate aside and rest my head on my hand.
"You okay?" He asks and it sounds like he's moving a lot by his strained voice.
"Yeah, I guess, are you?" I ask him, furrowing my eyebrows.
"I'm good, just going for a walk," he says slyly.
"A walk? Seriously?" I joke and he chuckles.
"What did your parents say?" He asks the question and I feel my heart fall a little.
"My mom is pretty much just disappointed with all my life decisions. I think maybe, eventually, she'll come around. But right now... I just need to be good. Stay out of trouble."
"Okay..." He trails off. I can hear a hint of something in his voice - something like mischief.
"What?" I ask cautiously, narrowing my eyes at the wall.
"So does that mean you're not gonna let me in?"
____________
Ahhh.
Any comments??
I'm updating sooner this time! Hallelujah!
Haha anyway, I hope you liked this chapter! There's lots more to come! Leave me some feedback - I love to read it and see what changes I can make!
"I want you to hear I found a reason for me, to change who I used to be."
Are the lyrics from the attached video, a song called The Reason by Hoobstank. You just need to listen to it because it matches this chapter perfectly!