Silence has been hanging around with me ever since forever. And yeah, the girls went to Mikoto's house which is nearby as the note made by Hana says. It was placed in cabinet near the stairs so I saw it earlier.
Well, I shouldn't mind about that now. I should mind about this beautiful, angry, blonde guy who is infront of me. I really don't know where to start but... I think I should apologize first.
"Kise... I'm sorry for lying to you." I gulped. Waiting for his reaction. He closed his eyes. I think he's still angry and tries not to burst his anger out.
God, is he that furious? I just want to cry now.
"I'm sorry for keeping my secret..." I looked down to my fingers and made the "Incy Wincy Spider" hand gestures but failed eventually. I peeked at his reaction and continued, "Sorry for lying to everyone."
His eyes were now open. He has so many to say but he stops himself from speaking or even shouting at me. He's trying to listen to my explanation.
"You know, I really didn't want to lie to all of you and pretend as a guy--"
"Then why?" He cuts me off and inhales and exhales. It's a miracle for him to stop talking after his question. I thought he'd scold me already.
"Well, I had my hair cut short and I just wear jeans and shirts when I enrolled here so the president thought I was a guy." I explained. I looked up to him again and he's waiting for me to explain further. "He knew I was good in basketball and wanted me to pretend as a guy to help the other members of the team to get better. He asked me to train with you guys and help you with your flaws."
That's true. When I reported to the principal that I'm already in the team, he told me to help the members to get better. He also mentioned that I won't be participating in big competitions if ever.
"So? Why did you agree?" He asked, his hands covering his mouth as his palm supports his chin.
I opened my mouth but nothing came out. Shit. I bit my lip.
Why did I agree?
I felt a pang of guilt inside me. I agreed because it's thrilling.
I licked my lips because it's getting dry as I reply, "Because--"
"Do you think you'd meet prince charming like those in some man made stories if you go to school as a guy?" He mocked and my eyes went wide, "No!" I shouted, defending myself. I'm kinda angry at him, "Why would you think like that?! Do you think I'm that kind of person?!" I exhaled because of exasperation. I'm being mocked here because of someone I'm not.
Also... I'm being judged.
"Why?" Kise spoke, still with his mocking tone, "Aren't you that kind of person?"
Damn. "No, I'm not!" I changed my position, "Kise, I'm not that cruel--"
"Not that cruel?" He brought down his hand and placed his arms on top of his knees. "You're cruel enough to lie to the girls who had a crush on you." He said and it's like an arrow that went straight to my heart.
"You're cruel enough to lie to your fangirls, to your team mates, to your school, to your friends..." Every word matches the hard, hurtful beats in my chest. It's beating me.
He smiled... a cruel, hurtful, tormenting smile as he said the last thing that would kill me, "You're cruel enough to lie to me." There's a block inside my throat and it makes me feel like crying.
Shit. I know that to myself. I don't want to hear that from anyone.. especially Kise. Shit.
I opened my mouth to speak but my throat is not cooperating with me. There's this choking feeling that stops me from speaking without bursting into tears.
I gulped, trying to make the feeling away. "Kise..." I said, trying to defend myself but my voice betrayed me. It came out hoarse and vulnerable.
I met his gaze. He's so angry. All he thinks about is that I am a godforsaken liar. He doesn't even see me as his friend anymore. That made me cry even more inside. God, what have I done?
"Kise, please." I tried. He has already set his mind that I'm a freaking, goddamned, liar.
My heart pounds inside my chest so hard that I think it might break some bones of my rib cage. It just hurts so much that all I can do about the pain is to cry it out. It feels like my heart is being squeezed and it'll bump itself to my ribs to make it bleed even more. If my heart could be bruised and wounded by feelings literally, it would probably be battered right now.
It just... hurts so much.
His smile fades as he spoke up again. "So tell me, Naru. In all those lies, did you even do something real?"
"It's not all lies, Kise. Please..." I begged him. I don't know why I'm begging but... it's all I can say.
"Did you laugh because of how stupid your fangirls are when they squeal in delight just when they see you?" He said.
"No. No, Kise. No. Please. No." I brought my hands up to my face to cover it, trying to hide the threatening tears to come out of my eyes.
"When you dressed as a girl, is it in your plans to make someone feel like they're gay?" He said it like he's spitting something filthy out of his mouth.
I shook my head, saying no again like a mantra. "Kise, please. No. It's not what you think. Please. Please, listen to me."
"Listen to you?" He hissed, "All I'll hear is lies so don't you dare open your mouth."
"Kise. I told you, I won't lie--"
"Shut up, Naru!" He shouted so I paused. Bewildered. He himself is shocked in what he did.
I took a deep breath and straightened my posture. Waiting for him to speak.
He ran his fingers through his hair. Trying to compose himself again.
"Don't talk." He orders as he points at me with his face looking down.
"But Ki--"
"I told you!" His head shots up to stare at me with wide, angry eyes, "Don't speak."
He inhaled and after he exhaled, he's composed again.
"Don't talk... because if you speak lies again, I might fall for it once again." He said like he's in misery. "I should not believe a damn thing you'll say again. I don't want to fall for it anymore." He says and he ran both of his hands through his hair and rested his face on it. "I don't want to fall over and over again from all the words that you have said. I don't want to be hurt anymore."
I feel so guilty. Making my bestfriend feel like this. Hurting him. Hurting Kise this much. Hurting someone I love so damn much.
Tears pool in my eyes again but I blinked it away. Licking my lips and biting it to prevent myself from crying out loud.
Maybe this is a punishment for me. Well, damn... this is torture.
"Naru..." He called out so I looked at him and our gazes locked. His bright eyes were dark and full of painful feelings. It doesn't look angry right now but... it looks soft. So vulnerable. So fragile. So wounded.
I feel chocked again so I gulped. Waiting for him to speak again.
He laughed, a short laugh that mocks oneself. "Because of your lies..." He smiled and it's like he's squeezing my heart. I realized I'm holding my breath because of the wrenching feeling in my chest, "Because of your freaking lie," He smiled with no humor and continued, "I hated myself."
I felt some of my energy leave my body. This confession is too much to take and it's too mysterious.
Because of me. He hated... himself? I made him hate his self? How?
"You want to know why?" He said, still with that smile, "I hated myself because of thinking that I like my best guy friend."
It felt like time has stopped. I made him feel gay and because of it, he hated himself. And now he'll know that all along, I was a girl.
He liked me. He like me, but as a guy. He like me... his bestfriend. But he hated himself for it. I don't know what I should do.
He liked me. That's positive. But because of it, he hated himself. That's negative. What should I do?
And then I breathed for air, realized that I held my breath for too long. I spoke up, "Kise, I'm sorr--"
"Whatever. This conversation wouldn't bring us anywhere." He stood up to leave and adrenaline comes back into my body. I also stood up, held his hand and said, "Kise, don't leave now. Please."
He slowly turned and sated into my eyes. "Why should I stay?" He asked.
"W-well," I let go of his hand and thought of a reason, "Kise, you know, I'm really sorry."
He turned his back on me again to walk away but I got his arm and turned him to face me again. "Kise, I'm really sorry about everything. I'm guilty about doing these things but what you're thinking of is wrong." He only stared at me. I tucked a stray hair to my ear nervously and said, "Kise just, please, I'm sorry." I blinked at him. I don't know how he'll react to what I'll say next but, I got to take the chance, "Kise... I..."
I looked down to my feet, bit my lip and looked up to meet his golden eyes again, "I like you, Kise. Please. It's hard for me too."
There, I finally said it. I'm just hoping with all my strength that he'd just listen to me.
He smiled in a mocking way, "Shut up, liar." He said and tried to move away but I held onto his arm and said, "Kise, please!"
"Let go of me." He stiffly said without looking my way. He sighed, "Liars disgust me. Let go."
"No, I won't let go!" I shouted. I can't help it anymore. I just want him to understand. Before I leave, I want him to know everything.
"Could you just please let go of me?!" He shouted finally looking at me.
"Not until you listen." I whispered. Afraid of what will come out after this conversation.
"Damn! I won't and don't want to listen to all your bullshit, Naru! Just let me go!" He said and I winced at his tone.
"Kise, just please! Can't you understand?!" I asked and pulled him when he tried to walk away.
"I can understand but I don't want to because I'm hurt right now! Just leave me be and I'll think this by myself!" He shouts back.
I can't let him leave me right now. "Kise, please. I'll be leaving to England tomorrow." I admitted.
"Oh good God. And you didn't even tell me!" He shouted at me.
"I was supposed to say that I'm leaving tomorrow to you today but then this happened." I said, feeling guilty.
"So you're planning on leaving your secret unknown by the person who doesn't know yet?! You're escaping?!" He says and ran his fingers through his hair again, "Whatever. I'm leaving."
He was already near the door but I shouted, "Kise! Please!" I reached out for his hand and when I made contact to it, he held it tightly and turned to pin me on the wall.
His hands were on my arms, pinning me securely on the wall with his grip tight that it hurts. My eyes are wide, alert on what will happen next.
"What is it?" He asked with a smile on his face, but then, "What do you still want?!"
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Please, please don't leave me now. I don't want to go with us like this." I begged.
"So that's what you want, huh?" He asked calmly but as I thought, "Do you think we can make up with in just one day?! This is something that pained me so much, you know?! Do you think we can just talk it out and make up?!" He says and his eyes were wild. I couldn't even look at him for so long.
"I know, I know! I'm sorry. I just..." I paused.
"What?!" He says, impatient.
"I'm sorry Kise... please." I begged even more.
"Your sorry wouldn't do anything good! Would it lessen the hurt you gave me?! Would it change that I hated myself for liking my bestfriend who was really a girl?! Would it?!" He shouts and I cry. It's all I can do now.
Every word he says makes my heart feel pain even more. It hurts more than his really tight grip on my arms. It hurts more than taking my heart out once because it feels like it's a rubber that's being stretched out and it snaps back to it's original form again and again. This is so painful. It's even more painful than cutting yourself with a silver razor.
God, I must look ugly, crying my sanity out.
"Kise! Please! I love you! It's hard on my part too so please just listen to me firs--"
He cut me off in my words... with his lips meeting mine. He kissed me, but it's not a hearts and flowers kiss. It's an aggressive, angry kiss that holds no feelings. Instead of being happy because of this moment, I cried even more, giving the kiss a salty taste.
He pinned me on the wall hard with his whole body. This is so wrong. It's just... this kiss hurts. Literally and emotionally.
His hand went up to both of my cheeks, wiping the tears away. After he caressed my face, his hands supported my back. Clutching me closer to him. I almost lost my balance and if he's not supporting my back and if he's not close to me, I'd fall with my face first.
God, he's so contradicting!
Why is he so gentle to me when he's aggressively kissing me? I never knew I can put the words gentle and aggressive in one sentence but damn! My heart couldn't take this much contradiction! It'll burst from so many feelings.
"Kise... please." I whispered between the kiss. He stopped. But he's still pinning me on the wall. He connected our foreheads, our eyes closed, and we breath hard. He lifted his forehead away from mine so my eyes shot open but he leaned it on the wall. His lips near my shoulder as he whispered, "What? Is this what you want?" He asked.
I feel relieved and sad when we stopped kissing but, I realized from the tone of his voice, it's better to be relieved that he stopped than to be sad because he stopped.
"Kise, it's not what I need now. I want you to understa--" I gasped as he punched the wall with his right fist while still holding me close with his left arm.
"I'm sorry, Naru." He said like he's tearing up. I inhaled, looking up, trying not to cry.
Damn. Why do you sound like you're going to cry?
"I..." He moved his right arm back around my waist, "I just can't do anything for now."
(( A: okay sorry for the interruption but I'm crying right now XD ))
My hands, which is near on his collar bones, moved to his back and hugged him back. I buried my head into his shoulder blades. Knowing that this'll be the first and last time I could do this.
"I'm just so hurt." He continued.
I realized that we really can't solve this thing out and it's all because of my freaking lies. I just accepted the fact that I'll be leaving our relationship like this. Friends. Friends who fought and have some resentments to each other. Nothing less, nothing more.
"I hate ..." He whispered but I didn't hear the last word. He repeated it, "I hate it."
"I hate myself." He said, taking to himself.
I bit my lip. Kise, please. Stop hating yourself.
"Why does it have to be this way?" His arms hugged me tighter. He took a sharp intake of air, sounds like he's crying, "Why can't things ever change?" He finished.
I hugged him back tighter. As I said, this'll be the first and last time to do this things with Kise. Should've cherished every moment with him if we'll part like this in the end.
I just stayed silent. Knowing that there's nothing to say anymore.
I've hurt him. I shouldn't be the one crying. I've lied to him all this time. I made him hate himself. I made him feel so vulnerable. I've made so many wrong things to him.
I've been too unfair to him.
I've been too selfish.
Why didn't I realized sooner? Then this shouldn't have happened.
I'm so stupid.
We let go of each other and I regretted it the moment we lost contact because... I'll miss his warmth. I wouldn't probably see or feel it after tomorrow comes. Or probably never.
Yeah. First and last time... to feel the warmth of Kise's embrace.
I looked up to him. He's already wiped his tears if he ever shed some.
I smiled weakly at him. Then I couldn't help it. Some tears rolled down my cheeks but it's not an ugly sob. It's like a farewell tears so it's just easy to wipe them off
He shook his head and closed his eyes. Took a deep breath and stared at me again.
God, this would be the hardest thing to do. Saying farewell.
"I'll be going." He said and I gave him a nod. He went to the door and reached for the knob.
"What time is your flight?" He asked.
It took me a moment to realize, "11:11 am." I whispered.
He turned the knob and the door opened.
He took a step out and I watched him go and walk away from me.
Please stay. Please be with me. Please go back. Even if you just look back and give me one last smile. Please. Kise, please. Just please.
He went straight for his car. Turned the engine on and drove away.
I closed the door and tried to walk to the couch but my legs gave out. I fell to the floor. Again with this numb feeling.
He just left. I should accept that. I don't know if I'll see him tomorrow before I go to England. But probably, this'll be the last time to see him.
I'll miss him. Everything about him. His blond hair, his golden yellow eyes that shines brightly, his wonderful smile, his happy aura, his lips... his everything. I'll miss him... so much.
"I'm sorry, Naru." His voice haunts me. The way he sound while he's trying not to cry much. The way he admitted that he's hurt.
He cried. He's hurt. He hates himself. And it's because of me.
I smiled at myself. "He cried. He's hurt. He hates himself..." I pointed at myself, "Because of me."
I kinda laughed, "He cried," I laughed again, "He's hurt," I twirled my hair extensions with my finger, "He hates himself."
I didn't laugh but smiled and looked up, "Because of me." I giggled... and laughed.
"Yeah~" I laugh even more and tears of joy runs down my cheeks, "It's all because of me." I looked down to my hands which is forming fists on the floor. "Because of me." Then tears dropped on my fists. only then when I realized that I'm not crying 'Tears of joy'.
I'm crying.
I laughed at myself. Knowing how stupid it is to cry at this time. Knowing how lame it is. It just makes me look too miserable. My life isn't even on a TV drama. I tilted my head back to the wall on my back and laughed again. I smiled foolishly, tears still rolling down my cheeks.
I covered my eyes with my arm... but eventually, my smile fades.
I'm such a pathetic bitch right now.
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(( A: HOLA AMIGOS~ BOOYEAH ANOTHER CHAPTER~ I'm so enjoying the story now since it's full of shit already XDDDDD haha fck yeah~
It's the week of my examinations so boo yeah who the eff cares about it. But gays, pray for me so I can be on the top 15 bc it depends on it if I'd have a new phone or not. HUEHEHEH whatever let's go to some excuses:
Okay so yeah please don't get tired of the drama. It'll end soon so hang in there okie?
And yeah, Naru went crazy. Joke. She just turned even more psychotic and I'm loving her like that XDD
Btw, I cried in some parts. Yeah. Naruto damaged my nasolacrimal ducts XDD
And people, please follow my ever supporting (not so) silent reader after all this time, @giftofgab yeah~ dedicated to her huhurhur~
Oh! And listen to the song at the side. That's an inspirational song :3
So yeah. PLEASE VOTE and PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK :3 ))