The house was dim and quiet this morning as the sunlight poured in through the windows in the kitchen. I sat there at the small table with my teacup and a piece of paper. The petals of the flowers were beginning to fall to the table’s surface. I was writing away, thanking Greg, Norma and Vivienne for the kindness of opening up their farm to the eight of us for the past two weeks. The photo session had been a success and it was so very humorous to watch it begin awkwardly and see how Freddie, Brian, John and Roger gradually eased into it. I slipped eight hundred pounds into Greg’s wallet that was lying on the kitchen counter and took his receipt book out of the cabinet. I wrote a receipt to John in my best disguised handwriting and discreetly tucked it underneath the flower vase. I didn’t do it for any praise or accolade. I did it because they were short eight hundred pounds and I didn’t want anyone to be embarrassed they way they always were when they were short money. The secret was safe with the flower vase.
I continued writing, expressing how truly grateful we all were for their hospitality. I put my pen down and reached for my cigarettes that I had laid beside my pale blue compact of pills. I took one out and lit it as I stared at the mostly full paper. The flick of the lighter and the refrigerator’s ice machine kicking on were the only sounds in the kitchen this morning. I looked at the clock on the stove: 7:13. I puffed on my cigarette and looked around rather sentimentally. I then resumed my writing, closing the message: ‘Many thanks and much appreciation to you – Lydia. I sat back with my cigarette and took a drink of my tea. I could hear someone coming down the stairs as I sat there.
“Hey. Hey, Lyd. What are you doin’? Why are you up so early, babe? Come on, come back to bed.” Roger came through the family room and into the kitchen to join me. He looked sleepy and as if he had just woken rather quickly. He came over to me and put his arms around me, leaning down and kissing me. “What are you doin’?” He asked me again quietly.
“I didn’t want to wake you.” I said. Roger kissed me again.
“You need to tell me when you can’t sleep.” He told me. I smiled. Roger was used to this sort of thing from me. He always knew how to get me back to sleep but when he was out like a light I never wanted to wake him.
“I know…I just…you were so peacefully asleep.” I said as I watched Roger go to the kitchen and get a teacup, filling his cup from the stove. He walked over and sat down beside me, pulling his chair very close to me. “How did you sleep?” I asked him, putting my hand on his shoulder. Roger shook his head and took a sip of tea.
“Really good.” Roger reached up and pulled a daisy out of the flower vase. He rolled it around in his fingers, examining it. “Can’t believe these two weeks are over. It went so fast.” Roger said. I agreed.
“It really did. Did you enjoy our time here, sweetheart?” I asked of him, exhaling my cigarette. Roger looked at me very seriously as he began picking the petals off of the daisy. Roger reached for a cigarette. He took one out of the pack and lit it. I watched him as a worried look spread across his face. He exhaled a plume of smoke in front of him.
“Lyd…” he started. Roger rested his hand on the table as smoke pummeled up from his cigarette. He looked over at me and took another puff. “Lyd…I…I need to know somethin’.” Roger picked up the daisy again, rotating it around between his fingers.
“What’s wrong, sweetheart.” I moved my chair closer to him, putting my arm around him.
“If…if we make it…I mean…if…if we really make it…” Roger paused and looked at the daisy, turning it continually. “I need to know that…that you’re gonna’ be here with me.” A look of concern was over his face. I exhaled my cigarette smoke and looked at him. I didn’t say anything for a moment. I just studied him.
“Success comes with a price.” I said. Roger tilted his head toward the table. “It’s all about what you’re willing to pay for it.” I paused and put my arm further around Roger. “Hey…” I stopped and looked at his fearful expression. Roger never looked this vulnerable when he was around anyone else. “…of course I’ll be here with you.” I took another drag on my cigarette. “I love you. If you make it…I’m here for you to lean on.” My words made Roger smile all over. It was risky of me to say such things. But it was also the truth and it was just he and I in the kitchen so I didn’t see the harm. I had let go of my past many months prior to pursue this future no matter where the hell it went. And I didn’t really care where it went. I just wanted Roger in it with me. He exhaled smoke in front of the flowers and smiled even bigger.
“I love you too. Lyd…I might make some stupid choices in all this. I don’t know what, really but…God, I know I will. If we make it…I just need you…to keep me grounded. I do love you, Lydia.” I left my arm around Roger and leaned over, pressing my lips into his and holding my cigarette out to the side. When he used my whole name, I knew he was really, really serious.
“I know you’ll make mistakes. We all do, Rog. Hell, I will too.” I laughed, almost burning myself with my cigarette. “Shit, Roger…why do you think I wouldn’t be here with you?” he shook his head and showed me the last petal on the daisy.
“I didn’t not think it. I just wanted to hear you say it.” He kissed me again and I could feel his free hand slip to the side of my face. I did my best to turn sideways and sit on his lap. Roger pushed his chair out from the table and pulled me farther onto him. I put my hands over his shoulders, careful to keep my cigarette away from his hair.
“I’ll be right here, sweetheart. I won’t hold on too tightly and you already know I won’t let you go.” I assured him, resting my head on his.
“Sometimes I wish you’d hold on a little tighter, Lyd.” He kissed me again. “Here.” Roger reached around me and picked up the daisy. “Promise me somethin’.” Roger inhaled another puff of cigarette smoke.
“What?” I asked as I rotated the daisy around.
“Promise me…that you’ll always be the way you are, Lyd. Promise me that.” His voice was soft as he held my cheek in his hand again. Roger’s titanium bracelet slid down his arm. I shook my head.
“I can promise you that. Hell, Rog you know I won’t change.” I said as I pulled the last petal on the daisy. I smiled and kissed him more than passionately. I let the daisy petal fall to the floor, tossing the stem behind me and carefully balancing my cigarette.
“You ready to go back to bed now?” he asked me softly. I felt his hand over my back.
“Mmm…I gotta’ take my pill you know.” I told him.
“It’s 7:29. You don’t gotta’ take that for another two hours. Come on…let’s go back to bed. I‘ll rub your shoulders ‘til you go to sleep. We’ll take this tea with us.” Roger kissed me again as he said it. I ashed my cigarette out in the ashtray sitting on the table and dug my fingers into soft, long hair.
“We need to get packed, sweetheart. We’re going to need to get on the road.” I told him. I could tell he was very soothed under my touch. Roger shook his head.
“We’ll do it later. No one else is even up yet.” Roger was still moving his hand up and down my back. He took another drag on his cigarette and pulled my in tighter against him, wrapping his arms around me and resting his head on my neck. He smelled so nicely. I buried my nose in the top of his head.
“Mmmm…” I could hear Roger sigh against me. I rubbed my nose and my cheek into his hair and took him deeper into my arms. Roger put up a tough front but he could be so very vulnerable…just like me. He simply oozed confidence in everything and yet he could break when it got a little bit overwhelming…just like me. Smoke still escaped the end of his cigarette; as I could smell it. I could feel the butt of his hand against my back where he was holding it. I tilted his head up toward me and pushed his hair out of his face before sinking my lips deeply into his. It was one of those kisses that you never wanted to end. One of those moments that you wished time would stand still. It was 7:42. We had to savor this because if we didn’t it would be gone and sooner than later; someone would be wakin’ up. The silence and solitude of the kitchen this morning would be lost. I barely pulled my lips away from Roger’s. I could feel him breathing on me.
“I’m ready to go upstairs now.” I said, my voice cracking a bit and barely audible. Roger shook his head.
“Okay, babe.” His voice was just as inaudible as mine. It was all he said before crushing his cigarette into the ashtray. I stood up and put my hands in his. The two weeks at Ridge farm was officially comin’ to an end. I was melancholy to see it go, but at the same time I knew this was only the beginnin’ of what was to come. For now, I would cherish every last second on this farm in Roger’s arms until we ended up back in Kensington…back in our own bed…back in our city life.
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