"Night Time"
by loveeboat
Hey, it's mangoskies_ here. I'm Kat and I'll be reviewing your book. I'll try to be as honest as I can to help you improve. Let's get started :)
Cover: There's nothing I would change about this, except I would make the words a bit bigger so they're easier to read. But other than that, it's nice and clean and I like it a lot.
Title: While generic, it's mysterious and I would click read based on the title.
Description: GIRL, YES! The summary is absolutely perfect. It's short, sweet, and to the point. Yes, it's a little bit weird but it definitely piqued my interested. "The darkness knew all her secrets. And sometimes loves doesn't conquer all." This makes me wonder, what is this story about? I've gotta read it.
Premise: It took a while for me to understand the main idea of the story, but I like it :)
Plot: Sweet. I felt like it was clear as I read.
Characters: While the main character is relatable, all of the other characters are kind of just... there. Especially the main character's relationship with her family members felt underdeveloped to me.
Writing Style: I have a suggestion... It seems like your chapters are categorized by "then", in the past, and "now", in the present. However you use the same past-tense for both of them. If you're going to do something like that I'd suggest writing the "now" chapters in present-tense (i.e. instead of writing "she was sad" you would write "She is sad"). Does that make sense?
Step-by-Step
One (yours || now): I like how this starts. Your opening sentence is perfect. The way you use details is very nice, the only thing I would suggest is that you relax a bit with the adverbs and describing words. Here are some examples.
"She watched as her ceiling fan spun excessively."
"Her hair flourished."
Excessively? Flourished? Not exactly the words I would choose for those statements. Maybe replace excessively with "quickly" and flourished around her head with "framed her face" or "fell around her head". But I applaud you on the cliffhanger at the end of this chapter. Hell yeah cliffhangers!
Two (crazy || now): I felt like I was really able to connect with the main character. She's real, she's vulnerable, she's scared. She's human. And I felt sorry for her when the boy ended things between them... :(
I loved this chapter, just one tip: Tell us their names! We still don't know what their names are, and it's the second chapter haha.
Three (first sight || then): Can I just say that I love the multimedia in your story? The headers are cool. Now on to the chapter. THIS CHAPTER IS SO CUTE. It made me smile.
OVERALL: I thoroughly enjoyed your story. You have a talented way with words. Overall I'd say it was great, but needs a few minor improvements. Develop your characters and the relationships further, and flesh out your writing a little more. Keep up the great work and never give up on your wonderful writing.
RATING: 7/10 stars. Will definitely recommend :)
PAYMENT
If you checked out my book "Resilient" and left a comment or two with feedback, that would mean the world to me!
Reviewed by mangoskies_