"Magoa (n.) a heartbreaking feeling that leaves long-lasting traces, visible in gestures and facial expressions"
~Erin~
Nine-year old Erin ran her fingers over the picture. It was an old black and white photo from her grandfather's collection, Erin's favorite kind. There were men in it standing next to her grandfather when he was in the war. Erin knew enough about the men to recognize who they had been. "Grandpa, why weren't you a part of the Howling Commandos?"
Her grandpa stopped what he was doing and looked up at her. The look in his eye immediately made Erin regret asking.
He cracked a small regretful smile, "Because I was selfish."
Erin scrunched her eyebrows together, "I don't understand."
Her grandfather looked down at the pictures Erin held in her hand then back at her, "He did ask me, but I knew I couldn't. My... injuries were too unpredictable and there was need for me elsewhere." A grin played on her grandfather's face, "Once I was home, I wanted to stay there," He paused. "I wanted to meet my son."
Erin sucked in a breath, "Dad." She said quietly.
Her grandfather nodded, "I began to help Howard and Peggy during the war and then build S.H.I.E.L.D. afterwards. I told myself that's what I was meant to do, that was the best way I could help..." He trailed off.
There was a sad look in her grandpa's eyes. She didn't like seeing him sad.
"I lost a very dear friend." He said quietly, "Your Bucky. I should have been there to protect him, but I wasn't. That's why I was selfish."
"Did your injuries get better?" Erin asked curiously.
He smiled weakly at her, "In a way." His eyes flickered to the light above them. As he looked at it, Erin noticed it was flickering. It was slight, she was surprised she even noticed, but when he grandfather looked back down at her, the slight flickering stopped. "In a way." He repeated so quietly, Erin could barely hear him.
*****
~Erin~
"He's gone Steve. He left." Erin said the next day. She couldn't meet the gazes of Steve and Wanda who were looking at her through the computer screen. She had explained what had happened as best she could, but she was still trying to make sense of it herself. Bucky was gone and she wasn't sure he was coming back.
"What do you mean gone? Where would he go?" Steve's voice was laced with lethal anger.
"Erin what happened?" Wanda asked gently.
"We got into an argument." She said softly, not daring to look at their faces.
"What kind of argument?" Steve demanded.
"He... he said I couldn't help him." Erin admitted quietly.
"How could you let this happen?" Steve demanded.
Erin thought she had cried her eyes dry, but she could feel fresh tears pound against her tear ducts. She bit her lip hard to keep them from falling. "I'm sorry-"
"You shouldn't have let him leave! I told you to take care of him!" Erin could feel pieces of her already aching heart crumbled a little further at Steve's words.
"Steve," Wanda gave him a warning look and turned back to Erin. "He's responsible for his own decisions."
Steve looked at Wanda, realizing how harsh he was speaking. He let out a breath, calming himself. "Do you have any idea where he might have gone? Where were you both planning on going next?"
"We were trying to retrace his steps," Erin said, "He wanted to visit places that would maybe jog his memory. Is there some place special to him he would go after Brooklyn? Places he went during the War?"
Steve face softened slightly and nodded, "I have an idea. I'll go there and hopefully find him."
Erin nodded once. "I'm sorry." She said softly, "I failed you and I failed him." She paused. "You're right, Steve," She said softly, "This is all my fault."
Steve's face softened a little, "I didn't mean-"
"Since I don't have a way to track him yet, I'm going to lay low in D.C. for a few days and see what I can find. I know who was trying to track us and I think they might have some connection to why they want Bucky. I have to go. I'll report back when I can."
"Erin-" Wanda tried to say something, but Erin cut the connection before either of them could get in another word.
*****
She stared into nothing for a while, trying to piece together how everything had fallen apart so quickly. She was in her father's old office in the house. The walls were painted a maroon color with a dark wooden desk in the middle. Her father hadn't kept many things in this office because they had stopped coming so often once Erin had started middle school, but there was still evidence that he had once been here. Traces of his work could still be found.
Erin's eyes drifted to a touch screen sitting on the desk. It was a STARK prototype Erin realized. It was supposed to be similar to the JARVIS system Tony Stark had.
Erin touched the power button and a translucent screen projected from the tablet. Her fingers moved along the screen, searching for any old files or documents her father might have stored. Her fingers were moving so quickly, she hadn't realized when she pressed the assistant button. "Hello." The automotive voice said. "How can I assist you today?"
Erin stared at it for a moment, hesitant to ask the questions that were on the tip of her tongue. "Look up James Buchanan Barnes, born March 10, 1917" She paused for a moment. She could still turn back, "Also known as The Winter Soldier." Erin added quietly.
The holographic screen displayed all kinds of articles and pictures. Erin scrolled through some of them reading their titles. Some were dated back from the time Bucky fell from the train in 1945. Some were more recent.
War Hero James Barnes Dead. HYDRA kills Sergeant Barnes. Howling Commandos Stable? The Winter Soldier is war hero James Buchanan Barnes?
"Cross reference Matthew William McCall. Born May 18, 1923." She said.
More articles appeared. Captain America Rescues Hundreds from HYDRA. The Howling Commandos: Inside Their Elite Team. Matthew McCall named head of S.H.I.E.L.D. Bio-Mechanics Division. McCall's New Prototype Helps Thousands.
Erin scanned through a thousand headlines and research journals, but if she were being honest, she didn't even know what she was looking for. "Cross reference-"
"What are you searching for Erin?" Cara's voice came from the doorway.
Erin spun away from the screen and looked at her. "Nothing." She said quietly shutting off the screen. "I just..."
"He's gone, Erin. Surely you must have known he would eventually."
Erin looked at her confused, "That doesn't mean I'm going to stop helping him."
Cara gave her a pitied look. "You've always had a heart for broken things. It's part of what makes you your father's daughter." She paused, "But broken things often leave more wounds on the ones that fix them."
Erin stood from the desk. "Bucky isn't a thing he's a human being."
"Maybe once," Cara was quiet for a moment, "He is a weapon, a killer. Don't forget that. You can use a spear as a walking stick, but that will not change its nature."
Rage boiled under Erin's skin. "You don't even know him." Erin stalked around the desk to stand in front of Cara. "You have no idea what he has been through."
Cara studied her for a moment. "Perhaps he was good once, but the man your grandfather knew is gone. One day you will see that, just as he did."
Erin's stomach turned. "What do you mean just as he did?" Erin said dangerously quiet. "What did you say to him?"
"What I needed to in order to protect you-"
"Protect me?" Erin scoffed. "He is the best thing that has happened to me since my mother died! You know, people seem to forget that Bucky didn't ask for this! And neither did I!" Erin stormed out of the room.
Cara's voice followed. "Your mother wouldn't have wanted you-"
"Well my mother's dead now, isn't she?"
"Erin-"
Erin didn't hear the rest of what Cara had to say before she stormed out of the house.
*****
Erin looked at the display. A large mural of the Howling Commandos lined the wall along with their wartime combat gear.
She wandered the Smithsonian, trying to distract herself and figure out what the hell the do next.
"Friends since childhood," Another display voice said, "Bucky Barnes and Steve Rogers were inseparable both in the school yard and on the battlefield..." Erin drowned out the voice. She had heard it so many times before. She was surprised they hadn't taken Bucky's whole memorial down, now that the world knew who the Winter Soldier really is.
She turned her attention to the next display. A small blue square that looked like a glass box sat on a stand. In all the times she had come to this exhibit, she had never really paid attention to the portion about the tesseract.
A small inscription stood on a clear glass stand below a picture of the cube. It said:
Believed to be a gift from the gods, the tesseract was the center of Johann Schmit's, also known as the Red Skull, obsession. During the Second World War, HYDRA's goal was to use the cube to harvest energy to fuel its experimental weapons.
Little is known about this other worldly object, but it's destructive power has left evidence everywhere. It currently resides in Asgard, the realm of the mighty Thor...
The inscription said nothing more about the cube or possibly where it had come from. An Infinity Stone. Erin thought. The one that gave my grandfather this power, my power. Did they have any idea?
Erin's eyes roamed the crowd at the museum. There were a number of small children and their parents walking around just enough for Erin to blend in, but not so crowded that no one had room to look about freely.
As her eyes looked at the faces of the tourists, her eyes landed on something- or someone.
She felt her own eyes go wide. "Tony?"
*****
~Bucky~
Bucky piloted through most of the night, trying to give his mind something to think about. He kept hearing her voice in his head. The pleading sound of her words wouldn't leave him alone. He had always felt like his heart had frozen a long time ago. Now it was crumbling to pieces.
But he had made the right decision... hadn't he?
His eyes burned with exhaustion and the remnants of tears from the night before. Just before dawn, he set the quinnjet on autopilot and walked to his small room in the back of the jet to try and get some sleep.
Something in Erin's room next to his caught his eye. Hesitantly, he glanced into her room. Erin's box still sat next to her bed, the one filled with all her treasure and things of her family's. She must have left it on the jet just to be safe.
Slowly, he entered the room, as if he didn't have a right to go in; as if Erin were going to pop out of nowhere and tease him for going into her room without her permission.
He walked towards the box and knelt down beside it. He gingerly opened the top lid and looked inside. Everything was still as it had been when she had shown it to him the first time. It was chaos, but it was Erin's organized chaos.
Pictures were everywhere and letters were scattered along the top half of the box. He picked up and few pictures, glancing them over. The pain in his chest seemed to expand the longer he looked at them. He set them back down gently into the box and his hand brushed a something covered by other pictures. He moved the pictures aside and a small Bible. Matt's Bible.
It was worn beyond belief and the binding was coming apart at its seams. The lettering on the front of the Bible had faded and years of hands on its leather cover were visible. As he examined the it, Bucky remembered. Matt would read out of this book every night before he went to sleep and-
He flipped it open carefully. The picture was still there. Ester's picture still marked the passage that was scrawled on the back of the picture. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
It was faded with time and use, but there she was. He remembered the day Matt had first shown him the picture. The first day they had met. The day they became friends.
He remembered.
A hallow feeling reverberated in his chest, when he came to the realization that without Erin there, it didn't really matter.
"Hold on I still want you
Come back I still need you"
-Chord Overstreet, Hold On