I stared at my reflection in the full body mirror in my room. Black high heeled boots with black fishnets, white shorts, and a black tank top with a white crop top over it. My hair was done up nicely with my side sweep bangs hanging down a little over my face. Black eyeliner resided on my water lines, along with black mascara that made my eyes pop out. I looked ready, but sure as hell didn’t feel that way.
The weeks of summer school flew by. The first day was a nightmare at first, but I eventually warmed up to everyone. The class became a little family, seeing as how they’re were only about ten students and we had to spend four hours together every day. Ever since the first day of class, I have changed. I didn’t see those kids as judging me; instead I saw the sympathy they had. Instead of ridiculing me, they wanted to just be friends. I had been stuck in my own little world, fearing everyone and hating myself.
I couldn’t believe I had actually blamed God in the beginning. Blamed Him for killing my parents. And then I blamed myself. Couldn’t help but feel complete resentment towards myself and felt it was God’s punishment. I felt like my parents hated me too, along with my brother and sister. I felt they hated me for taking their lives away. I wanted to kill myself so many times. I had wanted to end the pain I was feeling and go straight to Hell. I had felt I deserved it.
And Johnny. I hated myself for the amount of times I caused him pain and worry. Girlfriends weren’t supposed to do that to boyfriends. Kevin always stuck with me through thick and thin. He understood the pain I was going through. Sure, he had been worried about me a few times, but always stayed by my side. Kyra on the other hand was a little difficult. We started on such a rough patch, warmed up, got into fights, and warmed up to each other again. It was a weird friendship we had, but I felt like we were finally okay. Chelsea was always there for me no matter what I did. She was my best friend and always will be. She had helped me with school work during the three weeks of summer school and even got along great with my other friends. I loved that about her, always kind and accepting.
All the memories made me smile as I walked over to my bed and sat down. The pictures of my family laid across the comforter, staring up at me. Small tears started to form, and I had to quickly push them back so my makeup wouldn’t run. I missed them all incredibly. I missed my mom’s cooking and her soothing voice. I missed my dad’s way of showing how proud of me he was. I missed Jenny’s smile and Georgie’s sense of adventure. My mind wandered back to the end of the speech I had given at their funeral:
"But as life goes on, we can't mourn their death. We have to celebrate the life they lived and everyone they impacted. My family was wonderful people, and I will forever hold them in my heart."
I had spent a lot of time mourning their death and not enough time celebrating the life they lived. I was a hypocrite, but couldn’t help it. I was lost and confused, hurt and scared. I wanted them back more than anything. I had done some crazy things in my life. Stupid things. My family would be extremely disappointed in me if they knew what I had done. They had raised me better than that. I was better than that.
I heard the doorknob twist and the creak of my bedroom door. When I turned to face it, I smiled at Johnny. He walked over to my bed and sat down next to me. His eyes scanned the pictures sprawled across my bed, then he returned his gaze back to me. “How are you doing?” He asked in a soothing voice.
I gave him a half smile and leaned my head against his shoulder. “I’m doing alright. Just a little nervous I guess.” I told him.
He ran his hand through my hair and gently lifted my chin so I was facing him. “You’ll do fine, sweetie.” He told me and kissed my lips.
I smiled against the kiss and released. “Should we get going?” I asked.
He looked down at his cell phone and nodded. “Yeah, it’s almost time.”
We both stood up and he grabbed my hand then led me out of my bedroom. Everyone was waiting in the living room, excited and eager. We were going to take two cars or else everyone wouldn’t fit. Mr. Bloom was even here. I had met him a few times and he seemed like a wonderful person. The way he looked at Mrs. Bloom made me smile. He always had this warm look and his love for her was amazing.
I piled into a car with Johnny, Tom, and Emily. The other car was filled with Mr. and Mrs. Bloom, Tonya, Kevin, and Kyra. The ride was quiet considering I was extremely nervous and already shaking. Johnny tried to calm me down but it wouldn’t work. I wanted to crawl under a rock until this whole thing was over, but knew I needed to do it.
We pulled up to the school and all got out. Our group then walked to the entrance where Chelsea was waiting. “Lylah!” She screamed excitedly and ran over to me.
I smiled and hugged her tightly. It was nice to know my best friend was going to be here. I needed her more than anything now. “You look hot, girl.” She said and she took in my outfit.
I giggled. “Thank you.”
We all walked into the school together among the mass array of students, parents, and teachers. I said goodbye to all of them when we got to the gymnasium, kissed Johnny, then headed towards the stage area. I made my way backstage where a few other people who were going perform were, the crew, and some teachers. I was told to go into the small hallway to prepare myself, so I did. No one was there, so I was able to think in private.
It had taken me days to figure out which song I wanted to sing. I needed to find one that fit me perfectly. One that I would be proud singing. It had to mean something to me. I had signed up for the summer school talent show on impulse. I wanted to back out so bad but Chelsea and Johnny wouldn’t let me. Now it was almost time to perform, and I could feel sweat trickle down my forehead.
I sat down on the ground and listened as the singers, dancers, and comedians started to perform. They seemed to go by so fast, leaving me to shake in fear. I felt that my horrible stage fright would get the best of me when the person before me ended and told me I was up.
I bit my lip and pushed myself off of the ground, then walked down the hallway. I was given a microphone then told to go on stage. I could feel the body heat hit me as I walked into the middle of the stage. It took so much will power to actually face the crowd. I could barely see them because of the bright lights pointed in my direction, but I knew they were there. I heard a few small cheers which I knew were from Chelsea and Johnny.
The realization that I had been standing there silent for too long hit me like a brick. I needed to say something. “U-Um, well, I’m gonna sing something and um, the song I picked may be one you might not like.” I started. I hadn’t even told Johnny what I was singing, so I knew he’d be surprised. “And I’m sure not dressed for this song.” I said and laughed nervously. The crowd was silent.
“I picked this song because I felt like it suited me and what I’ve been going through. I’m going to sing The Climb by Miley Cyrus.” I then looked over to the guy at the stereo and nodded. He was going to play a karaoke version that I could sing along to.
The soft piano played through the stereo, and I knew it was time. I opened my mouth and began singing. I sang the first verse softly and kept my gaze mostly towards the ground. I sang the chorus a little louder, eventually looking up towards the crowd. Everyone was silent except for me.
“The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going”
I continued to sing, getting a little more confident with every word. I was now moving around the stage a little bit, singing louder and louder. The lights didn’t bother me, and I could see the faces staring back at me. I caught sight of Johnny towards the middle, his smile spread across his face. He was proud. They all were. I could see it. I knew it in my heart that I was doing the right thing. I knew I could get through the rough times.
“There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Somebody's gonna have to lose”
The sound of the violins filled my ears and I took a deep breath. This was my moment.
“Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb, yeah!
Keep on moving, keep climbing
Keep the faith, baby
It's all about, it's all about the climb
Keep the faith, keep your faith, whoa.”
The music softened, then simmered out. I was breathing heavily from singing, and my eyes were towards the ground. It was over now. I had done it. I had proved to myself that I could sing in front of people, one of my biggest dreams.
The crowd was silent, then a roar of applause and whistles filled the air. I looked out into the crowd and people were even standing. Johnny, Kyra, Kevin, and all the rest of them were on their feet cheering loudly.
I had done it. I had conquered my fear and proved to myself that no matter how hard life was, there always a way to get through it. Whether it is with friends, family, or even myself, I was able to do it. I could push through all of the hard times. I wasn’t a child anymore. I wasn’t lost in my own little world.
My family would be so proud of me. They would be in the crowd cheering if they could. They would tell me how happy they were for me, and how much they loved me. I could see it. They wouldn’t be mad at me. They wouldn’t hate me. Instead, they would welcome me with open arms and soothing voices. They would tell me things I wouldn’t have believed a month ago. They would tell me everything was okay, and I would believe them, because they would be right. All that time I spent hating and blaming myself was over with. All that time I lashed out and wouldn’t eat was over with. I didn’t need to cower away from everyone and from my feelings. I didn’t need to hate myself because of one thing. One important aspect that I should have told myself so long ago.
It wasn’t my fault.