There she lay again on the hardwood floor of her room. The sick twisted, masterpiece of scars and other damages that she called legs was tucked beneath her. She looked at her body in the mirror, as old familiar voices and harsh words haunted her once again. Unable to cry, she sat there feeling numb, wishing to feel something. As the time slipped by ever so slowly, she was kept in place seemingly against her will, locked eye to eye with the man she didn't want to be.
The voice of her mother broke her glare from the mirror.
"Joseph! It's dinner time!" Her mother yelled sounding in sweet tone.
She looked back at the mirror for a moment before getting up from the floor. Halfway up, Jane reached over and grabbed a pair of tight jeans. This had made her cringed in pain from the way they rubbed on her legs, but now she had gotten use to it. This had sadden Jane, making her feel broken.
She took a deep breath in before making her way down the stairs letting a single breath escape through her nose as she reached the bottom. She was greeted by the smiling face of her mother. Jane nearly had a sincere smile but the voices in her head reminded her that she was flawed. The smile that was forming turned into what others would call a frown. The saddest part was that, in her time of sorrow, her mother moved from the bottom of the stairs to the the table. Jane's mother smiled up at her warmly being oblivious to what Jane was feeling . With a sigh, Jane followed in her mother's footsteps.
Greeted by a big red bowl of steaming beef and potato stew, she sat down. Playing with her potatoes. until the unholy sound of her intoxicated father had rang in her ears. The door swung open slamming into the wall loudly. Its, chipped white paint chronicled a history of such abuse.
The monstrous smell of oil and cheap alcohol filled the room, causing Jane to get sick to her stomach. She bit the inside of her cheek and spoke softly between her clenched teeth. "Mom, I'm not feeling so hungry." Her mother nodded and let her excuse herself from the table. Once again in her room, she sat on her bed. All around her were things her father had gotten her for her 15th birthday. Two posters of models in bikinis and a single poster of a girl in short shorts and a blouse that would have shown her bra if she was not pressing her chest on a car. She didn't take the posters down because, if anything, the posters had been her only reason not to kill herself. Once she told a friend she had met on tumblr, "I can not die, because I would be buried as a man, not a woman." The disembodied voices started to get louder, screaming at her. All the cruel names rang up from the depths of her past.
"Faggot, get off the damn floor and fight like a man!" an old voice scream at her.
A broken child's voice cried out, "I'm not a man.."
The cries of the child in her past faded as a soft buzz came from her vibrating phone. She looked around. She searched for her phone, for what seemed like an eternity. Thinking that she had checked every nook and cranny of her room she collapsed on her bed. She laid there unmoving for a few moments before finding the position uncomfortable. Jane props herself up with her elbows when a buzz came from her pillow.
Now sitting up Jane takes her pillow and pulls it close and with one hand she find her 'beloved' cell phone. She had smiled half heartedly at the cracked screen. She unlocked it and looked to see if she was sent a message in her email.
Danny: Yo Jane u up?
Her heart started to race. Danny had been her online crush, He was perfect for her. In every way, from the light blue text to his horrible spelling that drove her nuts. Her smile widened and she replied.
Jane: Hello, Danny. Also, it's you, not "u".
Danny: o jane ur always a chip on meh shoulder
Jane: Oh** You're** My** I don't see how hard it is to spell. God you're a pain in my butt.
Danny: Oh babe I could spell but i luv to annoy u
Jane: Stop please, I am already not having a good day.
Danny: ay not to break u from your moping around but I gotten a skype @ last
Jane: Oh.... Er... Maybe one day we can....Er...
Danny: Yea but I have sumthing 2 tell u
Jane: You can tell me anything.
Danny: well im not who i say i am
Jane: Oh?
Danny: i am like er... in the wrong mind
Jane was puzzled by Danny's choice of words. 'in the wrong mind?' She let her fingers ask the question.
Jane: What do you mean?
Danny: I dont want to mess of this friendship....
Jane chuckles at her phone finding what Danny said comical for the fact that Jane was so deeply in love with him. However it did make her wonder how Danny could possibly mess up their friendship.
Jane: How could you do that?
Danny: well i am well
Danny: i am not who u think i am i mean not 100%
Danny: jane i am trapped in a female body...
Normally she felt sorrow pull at her chest whenever Danny went offline, but this time was different. She felt as if he was making a mockery of her. It had felt like the world around her was crumbling into nothing more than ash. Although Danny made her feel this way she soon forgave him. He couldn't help that he was that way. Jane had felt mad at herself for thinking that Danny was mocking her.
Jane rolled off her bed and locked eyes with the man that lived in her mirror. She touched her lips and mouthed words she had never really heard. "You're a beautiful girl." A sad smile crossed her face while the man in the mirror followed her movements. She let her arm drop as a feeling of anger filled her. She slammed her fist into the mirror, breaking it.
She looked at the cracks in the mirror while trying to escape the voices. She punched the mirror again, now sending the glass flying onto the floor. The voices never slowed to giving the poor girl no relief. She grabbed the biggest shard she could find. Very slowly her relief came but only when her unmarked skin had cried it's warm red droplets and her pants had been torn open. A shaky sigh escaped her lips. Quickly she removed her pants and patched them up with a small sewing kit she had near by. Once her pants had been removed she looked over the newest marking on her leg.
The gashes were small and not as deep as she thought at first . She looked at herself in the mirror and for a moment she pictured herself as a beautiful woman. Her long blonde hair blew softly in the slight breeze. She smiled happily as a ghostly images of what she thought Danny had looked like crossed her mind. Soon the dark room became a sandy beach and Danny was standing behind her, his long arms wrapping around her waist. Her face flashed a red color making Danny chuckle. However the sweet chuckle turned into the roaring laughter of her father. This made the sandy fantasy disappear and she was forced to face the cold world she called life.
She put on some black jeans and headed down to her family, her inner demon going wild in her stomach. She groaned softly as she went into the living room. Her father was screaming at a football game. She asked sweetly "Who's winning?" Her father ignored her. This made her sigh and walk to the dinner table to eat the food that was still sitting there. She didn't like eating but she forced herself to do so.
She looked down at the beef and potato stew, idly stirring it with her spoon. She popped a tiny slice into her mouth, eating it slowly. Her dad stood up screaming at the T.V causing her to jump. The half-chewed potato slid down her throat getting stuck. Gagging, she tried to seek help, but her dad was too busy screaming at the T.V. because his team was losing.
Jane started to cough, trying to get her father to notice. Of course it was hopeless. Noticing that Jane was choking, her mother had came up behind Jane placing her fist into Jane's stomach pushing on it, making the half-chewed potato fly out of her mouth. It Jane's father in the back of the head. Jane's father feeling the food hitting the back of him, punched Jane in her chest, sending her flying into her mother, making both of them fall to the floor.
The fall must have triggered something in Jane. She stood up, slapping her father across the face. This left both her mother and father dumbfounded. Her eyes filled with anger and her face heated up, as her parents stood open- mouthed and unmoving.
She really tried to hold her tongue but she failed. "You do not hit girls!!!" She said in a booming voice.
Her father, even more enraged at Jane's choice of words, grabbed Jane by her hair and pulled her to the sink in the bathroom. All too slowly, it seemed to Jane, she was forced to face the tragedy of losing her long hair. It wasn't having her hair cut that made her snap, it was what her father muttered under his breath. Jane's head started to spin. Her body started to move on it's own. Her wide hands grabbed her father's neck.
Her father tried his best to overpower Jane but she wouldn't have it. Every movement that he had tried to escape, Jane would tighten her grip around his neck. Soon enough, Jane's father face turned blue. That's when she finally let go. It was as if she was coming back into her own body again. Jane looked up in horror as she saw her mother on the phone.
Something in Jane already knew what was going to happen, so she thought maybe this would be the best time to finally show her mother the secret she hid from the real world. Jane had removed her pants showing her legs, tears rolling down her face. Her mother must have been shocked that someone that normally acted so happy would do such a thing to her body.
"Go ahead... Call them.... I won't run." Jane managed to say before sobbing uncontrollably.
Jane's mom let the phone drop from her hand and took a step closer to her. Jane at that moment turned away. This had broke her mother's heart, it was as if she was seeing Jane for the person she was for the very first time. Jane's mother wrapped her arms around her shaking daughter. The house was filled with the sound of Jane's weeping and the T.V. blaring It had stayed like that for what seem like forever to Jane.
Jane's mother held her and soon spoke, "Joseph.... pull your pants up, we are going to have a talk when your father wakes up...."
Trying to calm herself now she said "Mom....I don't feel like a boy.... Can I be your daughter?"
Jane's mother, not understanding the other shakes her head no at Jane. This broke Jane's heart but she gave a small nod and started to walk away from her mom heading to the door. Jane's hands were now clenched in fists. She wanted so hard to become a woman right then and there to show her mother that she was a woman deep, deep inside, the voices inside her mind one that she had longed to hear.It was just barely a whisper and words the voice had spoken had not been in english but a tongue that has been so long forgotten.
Jane walked from the door, grabbing her jeans and pulling them on. She felt as if she was dancing around like a fool would for a knight of noble blood. However, who could blame Jane. Her jeans had been too tight on her. They would push hard on her waist giving off a slight image of curves. Jane, finally getting her pants up, looked at her mother who was just trying to wake up her father.
This was a hard sight for Jane to take in all at once. She didn't understand why her mother would stay with such an asshole. This was something she questioned before she even tried to figure out who she was. She had good reason too. Not only was Jane not allowed to have any toys as a child but she would be borderline starved just so that her dad could get well fed. Then after Jane's father would have a meal meant for 3 maybe even 4 people he would yell at his wife calling her all kinds of names.
Now that her father was knocked out (maybe even dead) this was her chance to ask her mother why she stayed with him. In a soft voice and very brokenly Jane asked, "Mom? Why do you stay with him... I mean... He's an ass."
Jane's mother had been slow to answer, Jane, thinking that her mother would never answer huffed her way up into her room. This was her way of running away from the stress of her family. It seemed like not so long ago that there wasn't all this stress, then again, now that Jane looks back on her past, she found both herself and her mother were hopeless cases.
By the time that Jane reached the very first step of the stairs, Jane could hear her mother ever so faintly. "He was the only one that cared."
Something roared deep inside of Jane's gut, A feeling Jane had so long ago forgotten. From her mouth laughter had seemed to flow out brokenly, yet perfectly. Her mother shot Jane an evil glare. For the first time in Jane's teenage life, she felt free standing on that first step laughing. When Jane finally stopped laughing, she didn't face her mother. She simply looked straight at the top of the stairs and let her feet lead her, seemingly to a new life.
Once she could actually control her feet she was in the front of her bedroom's door. She had grabbed the golden doorknob and turned it slowly until the door clicked open. Jane pushed it so she could walk through it. Once in her room, she found her book bag. She unzipped it, turning it upside down letting her book fall on the floor.
Grabbing whatever she found important, she stuffed it into her bag. Once everything was packed, she, grabbed the jar of spare change she was hoping to take to college. She held it close to her chest with one arm. She used the other one to hold her cracked phone. Her thumb traced the cracks with only one thing on her mind.
With one hand Jane started to email Danny asking for his address. However, becoming restless, she went to her bed and sat on it waiting for a reply. In her mind she could already hear the cops coming to take her away forever. Jane thought for a long while of how to come up with a lie, when it hit her. She wasn't the bad guy, her father was. This fact had given hope, something she thought she wasn't able to feel then with the rhythm of the song the cop cars had sung her phone vibrated.
She unlocked it smiling ear to ear at the blue text that read his address. Luckily for Jane, Danny was within walking distance. With one hand she told him she was on her way and to wait outside. The walk over to Danny's was one without thought. The only thing keeping Jane company was the cool wind and the sound of her footsteps.
"Jane... Is that you?" a soft voice asked.
Jane looked around to be greeted by a smile from a dark skinned woman with their hair cut short. Jane looked at the woman for a while trying to figure out who they who. The woman chuckles softly, taking a few steps to Jane even holding out a hand out to Jane.
"Don't worry it's me... Danny." the woman says cheerfully.
Jane's eyes started to water again and she run to him wrapping her arms around him. Danny held Jane letting her cry, patting her back as if telling her that it would be all okay. That had made Jane's crying intensive. He then pulled back slightly to glazed into Jane's blue eyes. Danny's warm hands found Jane's face, for a quick embrace. In moment Danny had hindered Jane's tears.
Jane looked into Danny's brown eyes. Jane could have stood there looking at her crush's eyes forever, however forever would never come, because her romantic moment was torn away from her by a sudden downpour. The rain however disappeared as once again Jane was transported into the sunny fantasy, however this time it wasn't just figment of imagination but reality. She was side by side by Danny, who himself had changed. Danny had laid on his side smiling like a fool.
"How did I ever get so lucky?" Danny asked Jane and Jane simply replied with a shrug.