"What's going on?"
I found myself face to face with three angry and serious girls. They were seated on the couch across from me. It looked like I was in a job interview or something. Even Ally who looked like a sweetheart, girl next door most of the time looked intimidating. She was literally staring me down along with Normani and Dinah.
They had me called up here, saying they needed some help. The moment I entered the door, Dinah pointed me on the lone chair in the middle of the room. I didn't know where Lauren and Camila were but thank god for that because I don't think I can take five girls staring at me like I was the scum of the earth.
"Y/N."
"Yes?" Ally's serious tone had me jolt up straight in my seat. I've never heard that tone from Ally before and it was scaring me. Well, it would scare me if not for the fact that she was seated between Normani and Dinah and the height difference was laughable.
"You were hereby called here to—"
"Hey, wait, that's not what we talked about," said Dinah.
"I thought it was a good start."
"Just stick to the plan, Ally," said Normani.
"But I need to—"
"Alright let me do this," interrupted Dinah. "So dawg we've heard you—"
"Dinah, that's not good either!" exclaimed Normani.
"Girls, girls, please settle down," said Ally.
I had no fucking idea what was happening. They were all over the place and couldn't agree on anything. Well, that was the Fifth Harmony I knew. I watch them argue on how to start the conversation for five minutes more. They seemed to have forgotten I was here. Oh well, I'll just let them resolve it on their own. I had a vague idea of why I was here anyway.
It's been three days since that day in the hotel room with Lauren. I still haven't decided who to choose and it was frustrating me. Shouldn't it be easy? The girl I love loved me back. Why shouldn't I just pick her? But then the memories of my last relationship resurfaced and I found myself backing away from the idea of Lauren and towards the idea of Camila. I've had enough heartbreak in a lifetime.
It didn't help that both Camila and Lauren refused to talk to me. Whenever my eyes met Lauren, she would always look away. Before, she would offer me a smile or something but she just basically ignored me now. I wish she would talk to me because no matter my choice, I still wanted to be friends with her. But I have a feeling that if I chose Camila, nothing between Lauren and I would be the same anymore.
Camila's silence, however, was what I didn't expect. The next day after my 'encounter' with Lauren, she started to distance herself from me. She refused to talk to me or have anything to do with me in general. But I always caught her staring at me when she thought I wasn't looking. Did Lauren tell her what happened between us? Does she know that I was going to make a choice?
Damn it! Why can't I just fucking choose one?
"Alright, those in favor of Mani's idea, raise your hand," asked Dinah.
I looked up in time to see Normani be the only one who raised her hand. I sighed and leaned back on my seat.
"Can't you girls just talk to me normally? Just be yourselves. This is about Lauren and Camila, right?"
The three girls looked at each other when they heard my last sentence. Ally cleared her throat and spoke to me first.
"Y/N, we know about your circumstances and the choice you have to make. And we're here—to help you decide."
"Why?"
"Because we're here for you," said Dinah. "And we want our girls to be happy."
I sighed and looked down at the floor. I was the reason they were sad in the first place. "Yeah, sorry about that."
"Look at me, Y/N," I heard Ally say. I looked up at her and saw a gentle smile painted on her face. "It's not your fault."
I could only nod at her words. "So tell us, why haven't you chosen yet?"
I turned to Normani and sighed. It was the very same question I've been asking myself. "I—don't know. When I think about choosing someone, I always find these little frustrating things that keep me from being a hundred percent certain."
"But Y/N. There's no such thing as a hundred percent certainty," said Ally.
"I know that, Ally. I know. But you can't blame me for trying to find something close. I've been hurt more times than I can count—more times than a nineteen year old is supposed to get hurt even—and I don't want to experience that again. I'm scared it's going to kill me."
"Do you love both of them, Y/N?"
I could only stare at Dinah as the question caught me off guard. This was the first time I ever saw her this serious about anything other than music. It just showed you how much she really cared about the other girls.
"No."
"Who do you love?"
"Lauren."
"Then why'd you choose Camila the first time?"
"Because I wanted to move on," I said. "She was willing to love me despite of all my scars while Lauren just constantly pushed me away. When I saw her with Austin, I knew she needed me. She loves me, Dinah. No matter my past, no matter my future. And the least I could do was to protect her."
"So you chose Camila because of a false sense of gratitude?" asked Normani.
"No!" I exclaimed. "I was going to love her. Sooner or later, I was."
"How sure are you?"
I wasn't.
I realized that now. I told myself—even convinced myself—that I could move on with Camila. I wanted to love her. I was willing to love her. But willing and doing were two separate things. And the fact is, I could never love Camila when Lauren was all my mind and heart knew.
"At this rate, you're hurting both of them, Y/N," said Ally.
"Don't you think I know that, Ally? It kills me every day to see Camila's eyes whenever she saw me with Lauren. And it further kills me when I see Lauren's sad smile whenever I was with Camila."
"Then stop hurting them. What's stopping you from choosing Lauren?" asked Dinah.
"I'm fucking scared to be with her, Dinah. After all the shit I had to go through the first time I got my heart broken, I vowed to myself that I wasn't going to let anyone hurt me like that ever again. But you know what the funny thing is? Lauren pushing me away every time hurt even more than a thousand heartbreaks. And that's because I love her more than I've ever loved anyone else. More than I loved that damn ex-girlfriend of mine. She could break me with the snap of her fingers, Dinah. That's what I'm afraid of."
My words are followed by an eerie silence. It was like we all ran out of things to say. I buried my face in my hands. I've slept a total of four hours in three days. All because I was trying to make a choice. I was exhausted. I just wanted everything to end.
I suddenly felt a hand rest on my shoulder and slide down my arm. I pulled down my hands from my face to see Ally kneeling in front of me.
"She's not going to break you, Y/N," she said in a gentle whisper.
"How can you be sure?"
"I'm not. But—you just have to trust her."
Trust.
It was the keyword in every relationship and the reason my ex-girlfriend broke my heart in the first place. It was because I believed she loved me just as much as I loved her. But I guess it was just a one way street for her.
"We can't tell you who to choose, Y/N," said Normani. "All we could do is help you decide. If you go for Camila because you think she'll help you move on then go ahead. If you choose Lauren because you love her and you're willing to trust her not to hurt you, go for it."
"Y/N." I looked at Ally who was still on her knees in front of me. "Sixty or seventy years from now, when you're old and gray. When you have one or ten grandchildren and they ask you how you met grandma. When you look beside you, at the woman you've decided to spend your whole life with—who do you see?"
A single face appeared on my mind in an instant.
"That's who you choose."
And just like that, everything clicked into place. All the pieces of the puzzle fit together and finally made sense. The person I wanted to be with. The person who was going to heal me and love me forever.
It was her.
-//-//-//-//-//-
It was finally time to make a choice.
Lauren and Camila were out since morning until the late afternoon. Ally said that she told the two girls to go out for a bit and not come back until later. She wanted to talk to me regarding my decision with Normani and Dinah. I already told them who I was going to choose and they told me they were going to support me all the way.
I have to admit, I was getting nervous. But I know I made the right choice.
It's been thirty minutes since Lauren and Camila arrived back at the hotel. They each went their own ways after talking with Ally. I don't know if she told them that I already made a decision or not but I'm glad I could talk to her alone. I asked Ally where she was and she told me she was headed to the garden beside the outdoor pool. So I headed there as fast as I could.
I didn't need to look hard for her because she was standing in the middle of the garden. There was no roof so the light of the moon illuminated her figure. Her head was tilted up to the sky and she had her eyes closed. She looked so peaceful—and so serene. There was a gentle smile on her face that brightened up her already pretty face. I quietly walked towards her but the moment my foot landed on the marble pathway, she heard my footstep and turned to me. A slow smile appeared on her lips as I moved closer to her.
"Y/N."
I smiled at her. She was beyond beautiful. She was an angel.
"Hey, Camila."
She traveled the distance between us and ran into my arms. She held me tighter than she's ever held me before. I wrapped my arms around her and did the same. All that mattered here and now was the two of us. After a minute, I heard the hitch of Camila's breath and felt a coldness pooling on my chest.
She was crying.
I had a feeling why but I just had to make sure.
"Why are you crying, Camila?"
"Because you're choosing Lauren, aren't you?"
I closed my eyes as the truth behind Camila's words invaded my mind. "Yes."
She didn't say anything else so I just held her tighter to me and let her cry against my chest. I knew Camila was going to cry when she found out my decision and no matter what I did, I would never be prepared from the pain her tears caused me.
"I'm sorry, Camila. I wish you'd never met me. Then you'll never have to feel this way."
"No," she said looking up at me. Her eyes were red and tears were streaming down her face. I held her head and wiped the tears from her cheeks. A beautiful woman like her didn't deserve to cry like this. "I'm glad I met you, Y/N. Because I learned what it's like to fall in love for the first time."
"But you got hurt."
She chuckled bitterly then sighed. "First loves never last. I was going to get my heart broken sooner or later anyway."
I reached out my hand and caressed Camila's cheek. "I'm not your first love, Camila. You're going to find someone who will love you for who you are. Who'll protect you and take care of you, not because it's their job. But because you're precious to that person. They're not going to love anyone else and they'll always put you first. You'll always be the only one in their eyes. You'll be the most important thing in their heart. That, Camila? That is your first love."
I moved closer to her and kissed her forehead. I rested mine against hers and closed my eyes.
"I'm sorry for hurting you. I wanted to love you, Camila. I really did. I hoped and I prayed that when I woke up one day, it was you my heart would beat for. But maybe this is God's way of saying that there's something better for you out there. Someone better than me is going to come along and sweep you off your feet. That someone will be your forever, Camila. And when that happens, I'll just become your once upon a time."
Camila broke down in tears at my words. I couldn't do anything but hold her that night. I could feel the tears stinging at the corner of my eyes but I knew I needed to be strong for this girl. I've seen her go out every night and empower women to be the best damn selves they could be and yet she's so vulnerable and fragile in my arms. It was at this moment that I truly understood how much Camila loved me.
She moved away from my hold and looked into my eyes.
"One last time, Y/N. Please. Just one last time," she whispered.
I knew exactly what she meant and I was willing to give that to her—one last time. I held her face in my hands and looked into the eyes of the girl I was about to let go. She did the same and I closed the distance between us in one swift move.
Everything was different from our first kiss. As my lips touched hers, instead of sweetness, I felt sadness and regret. I could feel her tears as they cascaded down her face. Her lips were searching for something—an emotion, a chance, but I couldn't give that to her. And there was no point in acting like I could. Because my heart belonged to Lauren forever—whether I liked it or not.
Camila was the one that pulled away from our kiss. She leaned her forehead against mine, catching her breath. But I could tell she wasn't crying anymore. Soon enough she's going to forget about me and I'll just be a distant memory. She's a strong girl. She doesn't need me to protect her.
She never did.
"Go get her," she whispered.
But I know she said it more for her sake than mine. She wanted to be alone tonight. I get it. I did the same thing when I got my heart broken. But she's going to push through the darkness of tonight and greet the brightness of the morning tomorrow. That's how strong Camila Cabello was.
I kissed her forehead one last time before backing away from her. She looked at me and smiled. I couldn't help but smile back.
"I love you, Camila," I said. And this time it was true. Because I did love her. Maybe not as much as she loved me, but enough for me not to forget the taste of her lips.
"I love you too, Y/N."
I smiled at her one last time before I left the garden and walked back to the hotel. It was time to finally set things right. It was time to get the girl I've loved since the first time I laid my eyes on her. It was time to get my forever.
It was time to get Lauren Jauregui.