Sasha's throat felt raw as she regained consciousness. Her head ached and her limbs felt incredibly heavy as a gagging sensation overcame her. She leaned to her side and dry heaved.
The constant beeping of the machine annoyed her and so did the feel of the IV needle piercing her skin.
All of a sudden, her eyes flew open as she realized she was alive. She was alive and she wasn't supposed to be. Bewilderment filled her as she took in her surroundings. She was in a blank hospital room that was thankfully empty.
She rested her aching head back on the pillow. Why? She didn't want to be alive. After all the effort to die, it felt crappy to be dragged back to face the worries and pain that had led to her decision in the first place.
Couldn't they just let her make her own choices?
Tears rolled sideways and trickled past her ears, tickling her slightly. She felt horrible inside. Memories of her entire ordeal went through her and she felt the raw stab of betrayal from Jeremy once more. Tears of self pity morphed into tears of despair and she began to sob deeply and desperately.
She didn't want to live like this anymore. She didn't want to look like this anymore . She didn't want to be betrayed by those she trusted implicitly. She was tired of the sly bullying, the insults, the weird looks, of everything. She just wanted out.
As she turned over to her side, a nurse rushed in.
"Miss Stewart, are you okay?"
The woman fussed around her, trying to fluff and her pillows and handed her a box of tissues.
Sasha ignored her and continued to cry. When the lady attempted to feel her temperature, Sasha snapped.
"Just leave me the fuck alone! A person can't die without you guys interfering, now you want to mess up my crying? Leave me alone!" She managed to croak out. Her throats felt raw and painful as she managed to get her point across.
However, the nurse just shook her head and smiled kindly.
"Darling, you're on suicide watch. I can't leave you alone, especially when you're awake. Now, stop crying dear and have a tissue."
Sasha stared at the box being handed over to her before slapping it out of the nurse's hands so that it flew to the other side of the hospital room. It made a satisfying thump as it hit the wall.
"Leave me alone."
"No can do, dearie." The nurse hustled to retrieve the battered box.
Sasha sighed. "Your presence won't stop me from doing it if I'm really determined."
The nurse was quiet for a while, before pressing a small call button.
"What? What does the button do? Am I going to be taken into special care?" Sasha scoffed.
"Your family was pretty devastated when they brought you here yesterday."
Sasha sank back into the bed. She had forgotten. She had forgotten about how impossible it would be to deal with her family in such a situation. What do you tell your mom after attempting suicide? Sorry?
She imagined how horrible they all felt. They'd be thinking it was their fault but really they had nothing to do with it. Except Sylvie.
An older man hurried in. He had a clipboard in hand and kind grey eyes.
"Hey there, Sasha. How do you feel?"
"Leave me alone."
"You may feel a little soreness now but don't worry that because of the tube we had to force down your throat to get your stomach pumped. You're lucky to be alive."
Sasha rolled her eyes and fixed a glare on him.
"I don't feel lucky."
The man sighed, as if her words made him the saddest man alive. His name tag named him Dr. Tanner.
"Look, I'm sorry for what you're going through. But you can make it. You will make it. You just have to hold on and not let them wear you down."
She didn't bother to give him a well thought of reply and settled on:
"Leave me alone"
"Do you want to see you family? They're really eager to see you."
Sasha contemplated deeply.
"Sure... I'd really prefer it if Sylvie didn't come too. I can't just deal with her now."
She felt a pang of pain hit her hard. How would it feel seeing them all again? How could she look at Solomon and smile?
Her heart was racing as they entered. To their credit they didn't gasp or make any dramatic noises. Instead, her mother's tears were silent and thick, her father's eyes were slightly red and Solomon's eyes were puffy. He had a faraway look in his eyes that made her feel even more guilty.
The tears restarted as they dropped the gifts and flowers in their hands and surrounded her with a hug. Her mother was heaving hysterically and kept on murmuring "My Baby, my baby" in such a tortured voice.
Her father kept his hands tight around her shoulders and squeezed her as if he never wanted to let go. Solomon clung to the front of her flimsy hospital gown like he used to do when he was really little.
"How -how could you leave us?!" Mrs Stewart said, burying her face in her hair.
"Sasha, honey, we love you! And we're really glad you're okay." Her dad said.
Sasha wept harder as they finally let go of her. She didn't know how to explain to them that their love wasn't enough. That their acceptance wasn't enough. She wanted more. She wanted to be seen as normal as possible.
"Honey, if you were depressed, you could have talked to us. We're always here to listen; we're always here to support you... We love you."
He continued talking in his deep and soothing voice.
Her eyes were filled with tears as she tried to explain.
"I didn't - I didn't plan on doing it... I just... I just..." She burst into huge heaving sobs that made her heart hurt and her stomach sick. The betrayal felt fresh. The depression she had been trying to fight ever since Jeremy's hospitalization had not passed. They'd brought her back. They shouldn't have.
"You should've let me die." She whispered in a small voice as she freed herself from their arms and lay back on the bed. "You should've just let me go. I can't... I can't go on like this. You don't... understand. You don't understand." Her voice was weak and quavering. She closed her eyes so she wouldn't see the horror plain in her family's eyes.
She felt a soft hand wriggle itself into hers and grip it tight. She returned the grip firmly. How could she explain this to them?
"Darling, it's okay. It's okay. We can get through this. You're stronger than anything a bunch of high school kids can throw at you. You are stronger, you are braver and you are better. You can!" Her mother said fiercely. The sudden fiery nature startled Sasha and made her open her eyes.
"Mom, I can't! They've won! I give up."
"My daughter never gives up. She doesn't go down till she's on her last breath. She's the strongest person I know. You are. You can! Ever since you were born with this deformity, I was scared to hell and back that you wouldn't make it. That you'd give in to the strain of growing up without many friends and the whispers ignorant people mete out. That you'd grow up into a sad girl who could only pity herself and never move on. But you did, Sasha! You did! You still smiled. You still laughed and caused laughter. You found a beautiful passion and you worked on it. You didn't let it get to you. You are still that girl. I am proud and lucky to be your mother, because I can look at you and know that this is a strong, independent and unique woman. So don't tell me you can't, dear. You can and so help me, you WILL! I will not let you waste your beautiful life away because of a set of silly high school students. You are worth more than that!"
There was a shocked silence as her mother uttered those words. The intensity with which she had said it left Sasha speechless. She felt a bit of release within her to hear her mother say so much good stuff. It was liberating to realize her efforts of the past had been noted and remembered.
"Mom?"
"I swear to God, I will not let you die. No matter how many times you try, darling I will do everything within my power to stop you. I will sew up your slit wrists, pry out a bullet from you skull and put you back together piece by fucking piece. I will go down to Hades and drag your spirit back here if I have to. I will not accept that some high school students managed to push my inspiring, courageous and strong daughter over the edge. No!"
Sasha would have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious. The cloud of depression that had been pressing down on her seemed a lot lighter now. She had gone through things before and the pain had faded. She could get through this. The pain would fade.
"I love you guys so much!" She managed to say, squeezing Solomon's hand which was in hers. He still had the far away look in his eyes, like he couldn't believe this was happening.
"We love you too. We all do... even your sister."
Her dad said.
Her mood soured instantly. Sylvie.
"She's really sorry." Dad continued.
"Can we just not talk about her right now? Can you just hold me and tell me everything will be okay?"
And they did just that. They pulled her back into that warm tight group hug that reminded her exactly what she had to lose in death. The feel of Solomon's soft hair against her face, her dad's breath in her hair and her mother's tears against her neck kept her grounded there in the moment.
For the first time in a long time... she felt like she belonged.
She felt like she could.
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It's extremely difficult to write something this emotional. I'm sorry for the ages I spent. This is so deep for me rn I don't know how I'll even move on from this story. Like , it seems so real! I can almost understand Sasha's frustration completely.
I love you all!
Ally_town