Dear Thomas,
Today is the second of February and you're not here and I'm a mess.
You've gone to some smart kid thing in London or something, and I'm so happy for you, and I'm being clingy here, aren't I? But I can't talk to you since you don't have a mobile, and you thought I would be alright, but I'm dying here. I feel like crap and I went to Dr. Hansen today and I told him that I feel like crap and I told him that it isn't easy and I told him that I have nobody around again and I told him that I am messed up and I told him that it's crawling up on me again, those stupid demons, and I told him that I feel like I'm slipping and I told him that I want to get better but it's not working and I told him that it's hard to tell when I'm dying and I told him that nobody can see and I told him that it's all in my head and I told him that I'm so damn messed up and I just need to get it out of me.
Then, he just randomly said that I should write to you. Which is kind of ridiculous, because nobody has sent a letter in a million years and it's too embarrassing to write something like this down, and I tell him that, and then he just says, "well, you don't have to send the letter."
Which is true.
But I need something to attack and talk to and a blank bit of paper is nothing, but I'm going to follow Dr. Hansen. Because he's helped me. And I think I am a bit better than the days a few months ago, and it did get a lot better, and I could smile. But now those thoughts are back and I'm going to do it I'm going to do it I'm going to do it-
I can imagine you correcting my grammar right now.
Right, I've calmed down a bit. It's like I'm really talking to you. Is that insane? I'm insane. I'm insane and I'm insane. I'm insane and I'm insane and I'm insane and I just have to deal with it. I've just had a bad day and it's just a bad day, not a bad life. This is really messed up, isn't it? Just like me, and I can feel my eyes wanting to find silver, but I'm not letting them. I'm just focusing on this page, this useless sheet of paper ripped out of a notebook with a neon green gel pen being scrawled onto it (it was the only colour I could find). I'm never going to show you this, of course not. This is just freaky. And I'm mental. And I feel like crap and I feel like crap.
Do I really have to be alive if this keeps coming?
Do they have a surgical operation to get these thoughts out of my head? I hate them. I hate them. I hate myself and I hate them. But it's just the stupid depression getting to me and I still hate my life and I hate everything and I hate myself and I hate Levi and I hate myself and I don't care if Levi's changed I can't forgive him that makes me messed up oh my god this is why I can't be a writer.
You can get through this, Lexi. Just breathe, you would say.
I'm breathing (and I still feel like crap).
I'm breathing. I'm alive.
I am a mess.
Love, Lexi.
***
Dear Thomas,
Today is the fifth of March, and I talked to you today, so I don't know why I'm writing this. I just dug up that letter I wrote last month, and I left it on a cliffhanger. You would hate cliffhangers, I know, so I'm just writing down that I'm okay today and I'm going to try to be okay tomorrow.
Love, Lexi.
***
Dear Thomas,
Today is the third of April, and it's the start of the holidays'. I'm going to spend tomorrow in Birmingham with my friend Miki, and I've missed her so much. I spent today with Holly and Robs, while you went to watch some horror movie (who would have thought you liked horror movies, you geek? Joking that's a term of affection don't worry) and we went to try on high heels and old-lady dresses, and we tried on these hipster glasses and Holly stepped in some dog poo.
I just realised, these letters are turning into a monthly thing.
But I guess the actual point of this is that I've got through three months. I've got through three months, quarter of a year without cutting or wanting to die (with a few exceptions). Wow. Dr. Hansen congratulated me, and I told him some more, because I finally trust him completely now, and I told him about these soppy letters and he says that he's glad the letter he suggested weeks ago worked. Thank you.
I'm thanking you in a letter you'll never read. Weird.
I miss you.
Love, Lexi.
***
Dear Thomas,
Aiden went back to Australia today, the third of May. It's because of me, isn't it? He's too scared to be around such a disgusting, terrible person with such ugly arms and he just wants to get away from me. Aiden's just way too nice to say so. I'm just too much of a burden to live with, and yeah, he cried and he hugged us but I'm sure he was just happy to get away from me. Now I have one less person by my side and although Levi gave me this weird hug today, even if we've got this distance between us that is just not spoken of. I could catch him looking at my arms (damn these heatwaves and the need to take off my hoodie) and I could tell he finds me such a freak. Just like everyone else. They're fading but they're still there, and I'm crazy. Aiden thinks I'm crazy, doesn't he? You think I'm crazy, don't you? My mum's just standing on this fine line, so tentative with her words around me just in case they trigger me, and it's been a few months and I'm okay and I'm okay and I pretend I'm okay but really those demons will never go away never never never never never never
so messed up
Love, Lexi.
***
Dear Thomas,
We went to watch a movie together, today on the sixth of June, as innocent friends. It was really awkward though, because it was one of those chick-flicks, and I hate to say it, but it was amazing and when two of the characters kissed, I thought about you.
I love you.
We're friends.
You're never going to read this, so I can say what I want. I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you.
Love, Lexi.
***
Dear Thomas,
Today is the second of July and it's nearly the end of term, and we're finally in those long summer days. Yet we still have all of this stupid coursework and I'm failing half my subjects (argh!) but you're in Advanced Everything and you're still managing to get top marks in everything. You are so damn smart, do you know that? Of course, being the soppy lovesick person I am, I decided to paint something lovey-dovey in Art without even realising and my teacher noticed and showed it to the class. Whoops. It was about you.
Wow. This year has been...crazy. I don't like to remember. But today I remember, and today I remember that I am crazy but I am fine. Today I remember that I could be dead but I am alive. Today I am strong. Today I am messed up but it doesn't matter. Today I can survive, and today I can live, and today nothing matters because I am stronger than I think (thought?) I am.
Love, Lexi.
***
Dear Thomas,
Today is the fifth of August and today you asked me to be your girlfriend. And I said yes, you piece of cuteness.
Thank you for fixing me and being my rock.
I love you.
Love, Lexi.
***
Dear Thomas,
Tomorrow, it's the first day of Year Eleven on the fourth of September. And I'm scared. I really am so freaking scared. Because this is how it all started last year, how all of that stupid crap happened last year that messed me up completely, and although you've fixed me, it's only with sticky tape and I don't think I'll ever fully recover from that mess. Sure, I'm stronger and happier and I goddamn love you for helping me, but it's still going on and this is how it happened and it's bringing back awful memories.
But then again, it's a new start. And then I realise that it's been a year and I'm still here, it's been a rollercoaster of a year and I'm back up again, and it doesn't matter if it sends me going back down because I'm okay and even if I'm not okay in the future, I will be even further into the future. To think that a few months ago I tried to take my own life, and a few months ago I was intentionally hurting myself because I felt so bad. And I still feel those feelings on my bad days, but I've gone months without cutting and now I know that it doesn't really help and if I could get through those days and still breathe, I can get through these days. It was pretty much awful those days. I don't really know how to explain it - it's kind of like this darknes in your head, and just this constant pain and worry and desperation and it's like a voice inside your head screaming and you can't scream it out. You feel like you're dying and you feel like you can't go on like this, and you feel like you're never going to be good enough and you hate your life and you hate yourself and you hate everything and sometimes you genuinely want to die.
But then you have to fight them off, and now I know those demons' tactics and I know how to beat them without any bloodshed now. And it's easier now, anyway. Levi isn't such a massive jerk (although I would like to punch him in the face a few times), the Populars are leaving us alone, I have the most supportive best friends ever (you, Robs, Holly, Lucas and Miki), you love me and I love you, and I'm no longer on that horrible How To Get A Life site which really didn't ever help at all and I'm not at the bottom of the food chain.
There's bad days. There's good days. I'm still pretty messed up, but I'm better, and I guess I'm still depressed, but you know what? I'm out of that hole. I'm saved. I've won the war now, and although I still have battle scars written all over my arms, I'm getting there.
And together, we will look to another year. And we will be okay.
We will.
Love, Lexi.
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IT IS DONE! *squeals* I've completed my first story everr and I'm really happy for all the support I've gotten for this book! It's not perfect and it definitely needs a lot more editing (that broken leg was really starting to annoy me), but the first draft is completed. I'm kinda sad to be leaving this story behind with all its characters and hardships and stuff, but farewell, Lexi and Thomas <3 #LEXMAS
Firstly, please stay tuned for the bonus Levi's POV coming soon of the birthday chapter :D
Secondly, I have some thanks to give. Thanks to my awesome best friends for always supporting me through this, and thanks to the readers who are in my class at school who like having arguments about how Levi is pronounced (and I have no idea anymore myself). Thanks to all of you guys for all your reads, comments and votes that I never would have believed could happen! I first uploaded this story a year ago, and I genuinely hated it at first haha. But I tweaked the plot a bit and now I've fallen in love with it and in July, I just had this explosion of votes and reads and comments and it's never stopped since - I still can't get my head around it! :o To think that I could get into the top 100 teen fiction...you don't know how much this means to me, and I could never thank you guys enough.
Thirdly, I have the SoP playlist of all the songs dumped on the sides in the external link of the first chapter (will be up soon)!
Fourthly, there will be no sequel. I don't know if I've mentioned this earlier, but there is an extremely low possibility of a sequel happening - I think this story is a lot better as a stand-alone, and to be honest, I don't think Lexi and Thomas deserve any more drama in their life for a while yet. This is the most common question I get, and I'm sorry, but a sequel is not happening in the foreseeable future.
Lastly, this is a massive thanks to all of you and I'm so happy right now. THERE IS AN EXTERNAL LINK linking to a tumblr page I've created if you are depressed, suicidal or self-harm and I hope that helps you. :D Byeeee!
Your last song on the side: Human by Christina Perri