Six
Maddie and Riley were hovering.
They were like a constant cloud that had to check my facial expressions every five minutes to make sure I wasn't about to go over the edge – that I wasn't going to break. They kept bringing up the messages and told me how Jamie and Christie weren't true friends if they would leave me during a time like this.
A time like this.
I wasn't going through emotional turmoil. I wasn't in need of a therapist. I didn't need anyone to check on me. The app was deleted and I was fine. I was fine.
"Winona?" Riley asked when she realized I wasn't paying attention.
"Let's just not talk about the messages," I said. "They won't be coming in anymore anyway so there's no point in dwelling on it."
Maddie looked unsure. "But you seemed pretty upset..."
"I'm okay," I said. "Really. It was just me freaking out, as usual."
"Look, Winona, we're here for you," Riley said. "It doesn't matter if you think you're okay or not. We're always going to be here."
"I know," I nodded.
Did I? There they were, standing right in front of me and saying they weren't going anywhere. Saying they weren't going to leave. Saying they didn't even care about the video. Saying they were there for me. But I couldn't do it.
I dragged in a harsh breath. I couldn't do it. No matter what they said, no matter what they did, I would never be able to accept the comfort they're giving me.
This was my problem.
"As long as you know," Riley said and Maddie made a noise of agreement.
"I do," I said. "Really."
Liar, my brain told me but I shut it out. Shutting things out was better than facing it. And right now, the last thing I wanted to do was go through an intervention with my friends about things they will never understand. No one will ever understand.
They didn't have a video of their deepest secret being shared online for everyone to see. They didn't have the whole school whispering things behind their back. No one was shifting their chair away from them. No one was moving out of their way as if they were the plague. They didn't have to be terrified every time their phone got a notification.
I said goodbye to them, ignoring their unsure faces and walked down the hallway, meeting Becca outside by the track. She smiled as she headed over to me. There was no look of fake concern on her face. Just a reassuring smile and a wave of her hand.
I smiled back. It wasn't a bright smile that pushed my cheeks up or lightened my eyes, but it was something. And something was always better than nothing.
"How're you doing?" Becca asked.
"Not bad," I said. "You?"
"Great," she sighed happily. "Starving though."
"Well that's a problem we can definitely fix. Let's get something to eat."
***
Later in the library, I headed towards an empty table in the corner to get some work finished. There was a table with a group of girls and guys on it and as I walked past it, the table erupted in whispers and hushed laughs.
"Is that her?" someone whispered.
"Yeah, yeah," someone else whispered back. "She's the one all over the group pages."
I glanced back and caught a few of their eyes. Dark amusement was clear on their faces and they looked down quickly. I turned back to the table but then stopped. What group pages?
I suddenly felt like the entire room was looking at my back. That everyone knew something I didn't and the feeling creeped over my shoulder until it tightened around my throat. Holding my binders harder against my chest, I turned and headed over to an empty computer in the corner and away from prying eyes.
I sat down, quietly placing my binders on the table and glanced around. No one seemed to be paying attention to my screen so I logged in quickly. As the computer began to prepare the desktop, I took out my phone.
Group pages. All of them were whispering about pages. Pages all about me. Their words echoed in my head and I tried to ignore them but I couldn't. It felt like a constant knocking on my skull.
I unlocked my phone and against my better judgement, I started to download the messaging app I had just deleted. I thought the app being gone would give me peace of mind. But the only peace I'd get would be if everyone stopped whispering.
The more they whispered, the more I worried.
The app finished downloading and I logged on. My eyes tracked the loading circle as my page came up. Slowly, oh so slowly, with a heavy heart and my lip caught between my teeth, I clicked the notifications.
But it wasn't just messages this time.
There were groups, and pages, and conversations all happening before my eyes. The same phantom account that sent me messages was the shining face of the hate pages.
A tear slid down my cheek.
Someone had made hate pages about me.
I wiped my sleeve across my face quickly and put my phone down. But the words remained, seared into my mind like the brand on cattle ready for slaughter. Over and over again I saw them, playing a continuous beat against my ear, each word digging into my skin.
My desktop loaded and I stared at it blankly.
I should tell someone, I decided. At that point, I almost burst out crying. Who could I tell? My teachers were already angry because I started to skip class. My friends were all over the place. Becca couldn't do anything. The principal probably wouldn't give me a second glance. If the police were involved then everything would just blow out of control. If my dad knew, then he would have to know about the video.
I wasn't ready to do that. Not like this. Not this way. Not because of this.
I leaned forward and opened the search engine on the computer. My hand reached up absentmindedly and wiped away a stray tear. No more crying. Not today.
I think I'm being bullied.
I sighed and deleted the words from the search bar. That sounded stupid and a million and one answers would come flying at me. I needed to be specific.
I think I'm being cyberbullied.
I was about to hit 'enter' then stopped. Think. I let out a shaky breath and glanced down at my phone which – if I hadn't put it on silent – would be vibrating madly with message after message. One by one. No breaks in between. This wasn't something that I had to think over anymore. There was no longer an 'if' in this equation. I deleted the words and started again.
Articles on how to prevent cyberbullying.
I hit enter and watched as the results loaded. I scrolled down the screen for a while, my eyes taking in the words and for a second, it was too much and I wanted to shut the computer down. I just wanted to hide.
But hiding wasn't going to solve anything.
I clicked on the TELUS WISE page which said it was a resource for online safety, and looked through until I came to an article on cyberbullying. I glanced behind me but luckily no one was interested in me. Turning back, I clicked on the article and quickly read over it.
Keep evidence, the article said, because everything is digital with cyberbullying, you are able to save all of the harassing messages as evidence. Even if it seems like nothing, it could escalate and having proof will help you in the future.
I frowned and picked up my phone, opening the app where notifications were flying through but I paid them no mind.
"Taking screenshots is the easiest way to document evidence," I whispered aloud from the article.
I went onto the pages and the messages and the groups and one by one, I took a screenshot. I watched as every picture saved itself onto my phone, going nowhere. I thought it would hurt to have those hateful words stored away on my phone, but instead I looked back at the stash of screenshots, and felt like I finally had some control.
__________________
Hope you enjoyed this latest chapter and thank you so much for reading Winona's journey!
- Tahlie x