Ash: Hi, hallo, welcome, bonjour ... [pause] What is it you say in Sweden?
Matti: Hej.
Ash: [Glares at Matti] What? Just 'hey'? Like that?
Matti: Pretty much.
Ash: 'Hey', then. Anyway, some of you may already have seen me lurking around here, making a general dick of myself on my vlog. ThatHoneymoonFiasco? [Nods] That Honeymoon Fiasco. Yeah, if not, you must have been hiding under a rock, or just have better things to do with your life, or something...
Matti: Or have standards.
Ash: Or have ... [chuckles] Cheers, man.
Matti: Viewers are probably less likely to –
Ash: [Whispers] Dick.
Matti: -- know who I am. I don't really have ... er ... a YouTube presence, I guess. I'm Ash's best friend in real life. I'm from a little town in Sweden, if you couldn't tell from the wonky accent. Er ... hey, little known fact about Swedish people: we do actually wear clothes.
Ash: You do?
Matti: [Nodding] Yep. Yep. Absolutely. Winter gets pretty chilly around the ... er ... [points downwards]. The ...
Ash: [Snorts] Right. We get it. Introductions over. I'm Ash, this is Matti, and long and the short of it is we're doing an experiment. Pretty sure ... Pretty sure it's not been done before, but don't quote me on that. I haven't exactly researched any of this. It's like, a ... social, romantic, wait, scrap romantic. Like a social experiment between two people, is what I'm saying. [Looks at Matti] How the hell do I explain this?
Matti: [Shrugs] Just say it as it is, man.
Ash: Er ... [pulls a face]
Matti: Okay, well, what we thought about doing was this experiment, and you can probably tell we've not put much thought into how to conduct it, but we're aiming it at, sorta, two groups of people. First one's the people who get into arranged marriages. They don't know who they're gonna be spending their life with, er ... they have to marry a stranger, fall in love –
Ash: If they do at all.
Matti: Yeah, there's that. Means those two people have gotta be together warts and all, you know? There's no ... I dunno, no test period, I guess?
Ash: They kinda get thrown into it. Marry this guy, or gal, and that's ... that's it. That's your marriage. Forever. Done.
Matti: Never be an arranged marriage wedding planner. You're crap at it.
Ash: [Laughs]
Matti: The OTHER group of people this applies to is the LGBT community ... LGBTQ-something-something.
Ash: Wow. Good start.
Matti: I get the letters confused. Anyway, we feel as though we might be er... speaking out to them somewhere along this experiment, because, I mean, me and Ash are both heterosexual. Aren't we, bud?
Ash: [Looks at Matti] [Creepy smile] [Wink]
Matti: That was terrifying. Never do that again to me, ever.
Ash: Yeah, we're both heterosexual.
Matti: Which ... well that's not exactly what the LGBT community even stands for, but they say you're born the way you are with these things, right? If you're straight or gay or trans or ... I ran out of options ... or straight –
Ash: You said that.
Matti: Okay. [sighs] Whatever you identify with, that's you. But we asked the question: Is it? Because maybe you think you're heterosexual because that's all you're used to, or because you never really ... er ... explored the possibilities.
Ash: So that's what we're doing. We're calling it – Try Before You Bi: The Arranged Boyfriend Experiment. And that's where me and my best friend come in. Ha.
Matti: We've arranged to be in a relationship. Like, this whole guy on guy thing ...
Ash: Basically to see if heterosexuality is like a 'comfort zone' for us guys. [Points to himself] I've never been with a dude; [points at Matti] you've never been with a dude. But if I was to be with any dude, it would be you, man.
Matti: That kinda takes away the 'arranged' bit of the experiment, then, doesn't it?
Ash: Fine, you're a piece of crap and I can't think of anybody worse. How's that?
Matti: That's, er ...
Ash: [laughs]
Matti: ... I'm charmed.
Ash: So for the foreseeable future, I'm technically [tilts head, clasps hands as though infatuated] in a relationship with my best friend.
Matti: [Glares] You haven't asked me yet.
Ash: You really want me to?
Matti: We're doing this properly.
Ash: Fine then. Matti, be my – [bursts out laughing] Stop looking at me like that!
Matti: I'm not looking at you like anything!
Ash: You are ... with your ... eyes. You look so expectant. Is this the first time you've been asked out, by the way?
Matti: [pauses a moment to think] Er ... Yeah, I think so. Pretty much.
Ash: You gonna be my arranged boyfriend then?
Matti: [shrugs] Sure.
Ash: ...
Matti: [glances at camera]
Ash: That's it?
Matti: Think so.
Ash: So we don't, like, kiss or anything?
Matti: Er ... [chuckles] Not right now.
Ash: [puckers up] C'mon. I want a big gay kiss with my boyfwend.
Matti: Stop it, that's weird.
Matti: Seriously, man, stop it.
Ash: [Still puckering his lips]
Matti: We're doing this?
Ash: [nodding]
Matti: [pecks Ash on the cheek]
Ash: Eurgh!
Matti: What?
Ash: [Rubs cheek] Your stubble-kiss feels nasty. I dunno, girl lips are all nice and soft, and all I got was you and your face pubes.
Matti: You've gotta get used to that. I'm not shaving.
Ash: Nasty, man, nasty. [Still rubbing cheek]. I guess we covered everything?
Matti: Think so. Oh, no, wait, you forgot to tell people we'll be living together.
Ash: Oh, yeah. We'll be living together. I'm moving into Matti's place tomorrow so we can ... do this thing.
Matti: What about ...?
Ash: Huh?
Matti: We said we'd give our predictions.
Ash: Uh. [Glances at camera] We've already recorded enough, I think. Next episode?
Matti: Sure. Next episode we'll tell you what we think will happen.
Ash: [Pauses] Ooooor ... Better yet, you can tell us what you think will happen. Also, if you have any questions, comments, feedback ... anything, just leave it for me on YouTube. Drop a note in the section below, or, if you're viewing this on Wattpad – Matti? You're the one in charge of that.
Matti: Same again. Just drop me something in the comments and I'll get back to you.
Ash: We'll be answering any questions in next week's episode, and giving you an update on how things ... progress. If ... if they do. [Looks at Matti] Man, that's gonna be tough.
Matti: What is?
Ash: Well, if think about it, we're both in each others' friend zones. Guys spend lifetimes digging themselves out of girls' friend zones and sometimes they lose a leg or die first, but this is like ... this is like double-heterosexual-friendzone-ship. This is a f**king obstacle. Like when Hercules took on the Hydra –
Matti: Dude, I'm not some multi-headed dragon.
Ash: ... You could be. Anyway, like I said, comments and feedback; leave me some love below. If you're on Wattpad, Matti'll get back to you. Thanks for watching, and you'll see us again next week.
Matti: Happy days.
Ash: Yeah, happy days.