“I don’t want to go.”
“Lylah, you have to. Do you want to have to take junior year all over again?” Johnny asked.
I sat in the car in front of the school with my arms crossed over my chest. I could see other students piling in to take summer classes from either failing or wanting to take them early. I didn’t want to face my peers and be judged like I was at Chelsea’s party. I was taken over the edge from all of their insults, what if that happened again?
“You need to go.” He said when the loud school bell rang.
I sighed and grabbed my bag, then leaned over and planted a kiss on Johnny’s cheek. “Bye.” I said softly before opening up the car door.
“Call me if you need anything.” He said and smiled in my direction.
I gave him a half smile and shut the car door, then began walking up the steps. My heart was beating fast in my chest and I could feel my hands shaking slightly. Opening up the front door of the school I walked in and kept my head down. I wasn’t at all confident. I could feel the stares and when I looked up, my instincts were correct. I didn’t know everyone, but everyone knew me. It was as if I was the black plague, ready to infect people who come near me.
Finding my classroom, I walked in and found a spot near the back so I wouldn’t be seen. There were about ten other kids in the classroom, which was normal because it was summer school. The teacher then walked in and over to her desk. “Alright class, I’m going to take attendance.” She said.
She went through the list of names. A couple people were missing, and when she got to mine everyone turned and looked at me. I felt so out of place as I raised my hair and said, “Here.”
I had to be in school every weekday for four hours at a time in the same classroom. It was going to suck. The teacher droned on about the schedule and how each day was going to be planned out. While she talked I studied each one of my classmates. I knew a few by name, the others I just knew by face. There was Haley, a short brown haired girl with glasses and a few freckles around her nose. Her clothes were ones you’d see from a thrift store, but her smile never faded. Tim was a heavy set kid who transferred here from South Korea. He didn’t really talk much, but was very friendly when he did. Jake was a nerd. He always had his nose in his books and usually got straight A’s. He was a year younger, so I figured he was here to get ahead. I only knew him because of gym class when we were sometimes partnered with the younger kids. Then there was Kelly and Calvin. The twin trouble makers. Kelly was one of those girls you didn’t want to mess with. Not only was her appearance frightening with her sleeve tattoos and raccoon-like eye makeup, but her personality was too. Calvin was a sweet kid, completely opposite his twin sister, but also got into a lot of trouble. He was one of the nicest people I knew, but didn’t know when enough was enough. Last year he spray painted the side of the school cafeteria ‘just because’.
Those were the only kids I knew by name, but I suspected they all knew me. Maybe I was being paranoid? Did everyone really hate me for what I did? I sure did.
“Okay class, today we’re only going to do a few things.” The teacher started. “Because this is the first day of summer school I won’t assign any homework or have you do anything school. What I want you to do, though, is write three paragraphs about yourself. One paragraph is going to be how you perceive yourself, another will be about your family, and then the last will be about your peers and friends.” She stated.
You have got to be kidding me. Did this teacher want to torture me? Did she have a plan in the back of her mind to make this the worst day of my life? I refused to write such a paper. None of these people needed to know anything about me. This was my life.
“After that we will then make a circle with the desks and read the papers. If you don’t do it, you will not receive credit for the day, which means you will not be able to be late to class or to leave early for the rest of the three weeks.”
Yup, she was trying to ruin me.
I watched as everyone started on their three paragraphs. Of course it would be easy for them to write, they had perfect lives. They didn’t have to deal with hating themselves and killing their family. What was this, therapy? We had to listen to everyone’s stories and talk about this? I was in school, not a mental hospital. This was absolutely ridiculous.
I glanced over to the teacher and she was staring at me. I sighed when she gestured for me to follow her out the door, but did reluctantly. When she shut the door behind her, she gave me a look of concern. “Why aren’t you writing, Lylah?” She asked.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Because no one needs to know about my life.” I stated matter-of-factly.
She nodded her head. “Alright, but you know the consequences. But remember, not everyone judges other people. There are good people out there.” She informed me.
I rolled my eyes. “No, they all judge me, don’t you see? The way they stared at me when you called my name: you saw it.” I explained.
“I’m not going to lie to you, Lylah, but yes, a lot of people do know your situation, but a lot of people feel sympathy, not ridicule. Think about that and write your paper.” She said and led me back into the classroom.
The teacher thought she was a therapist, I swear. I sighed as I took a piece of paper out of my notebook and grabbed a pencil. Maybe if I let people know how I was feeling they would stop judging me. But wasn’t that okay considering it was my fault? Didn’t I deserve it? I was so confused.
As everyone probably knows, I don’t have a family. I killed them. Well, on accident. It was a house fire that started in my room because of a cigarette. I was stupid, but I can’t take back the past, as much as I would love to. My new family is at a teen home. The people there are great and one of them is now my boyfriend.
Oh, I forgot to mention that, didn’t I? Anyway…
I get along with them most of the time and they treat me like family. I consider the old lady who owns the joint as a grandma. They’ll never be able to replace my real family, though.
I finished off the first paragraph and read it a few times. I was a little nervous about letting these people know where I lived, but figured it wouldn’t hurt. They probably thought I was living on the streets or something. The second paragraph was a little harder to write.
I see myself becoming a psychologist when I get older. I like helping people and being there for them. I also see myself as an okay singer I guess. I don’t really like singing in front of crowds, though. I don’t really fancy myself too much. How could I after I killed my family? It’s just simple logic: someone who kills their family shouldn’t deserve to like themselves, much less be happy.
I sighed when the paragraph was done. Did I really need to put that down? I felt stupid, but also good to finally be able to write my emotions down. How would the rest of the class feel? Would they think I was some nut job and shun me? Probably. They already have.
The few friends I have would be my best friend and the ones at the teen home. They treat me good even though sometimes I don’t return the favor. My peers on the other hand, aren’t so great. No offence to anyone in this room, but I feel that you all are judging me for what I did. Does that make me conceited and paranoid? Probably, but I can’t help it. I hear the snickers, I see the stares, they’re pretty obvious. As cliché as it sounds, words hurt, but maybe I deserve them? I haven’t figured that out yet.
I finished up the paragraph and let out a sigh of relief. Maybe after reading this I would finally get the message out to everyone to stop judging me for what I did. But my mind was torn. I couldn’t figure out if I deserved it or not. Why was it so hard to figure out?
“Alright, I see that everyone is done. Move your desks so they make a circle.” The teacher said.
Everyone got up and rearranged their desks. I was in between some kid I didn’t know who had a runny nose and glasses, and Haley. My feelings of nervousness intensified when everyone sat down and looked over to the teacher. “Alright Travis, how about you start?” She said to the boy behind me.
He talked about how his family was really close and he had three sisters. I felt a little bad for him. It must have sucked to be with so many girls in the house. His parents were both doctors, which made him think he had to be just as good as them. He wanted to follow in his parent’s footsteps but it was hard. He didn’t have too many friends because he usually spent all of his time doing school work. I felt sympathy for him when he finished.
“Okay, does anyone have anything to say?” The teacher asked.
A girl with bright blue eyes and blond hair raised her hand. “Yes, Rose?”
“Okay um, do you really want to be a doctor or is it just because of your parents?” She asked.
Travis sniffled and shrugged his shoulders. “I always wanted to be a video game designer, but I don’t think my parents would allow that.” He explained.
“Why don’t you talk to them about it?” She asked.
“I don’t know, never thought to I guess.”
“You should.” Rose said and smiled.
Yeah, this was definitely a therapy session.
“Anyone else?” The teacher asked, but no one raised their hands.
“Alright, Lylah.”
Crap. Now that it was actually my turn to read, I wanted to rip my paper into shreds and run out of the classroom, but I thought about what Johnny had told me a couple days ago.
“No running anymore. You can’t keep running from your problems.”
I sighed and picked my paper up after nervously looking around at my classmates. I could see the anticipation in their eyes. They wanted to know all about me. They wanted to get the latest gossip so they could go and tell everyone they knew. I sighed and began reading, stuttering a few words along the way. My hands were shaking and my hair kept falling in my face so I had to fix it every few seconds. When I finished, I looked back up to them. The room was dead silent that you could hear a pin drop. Even the teacher was staring at me not really knowing what to say, but it wasn’t her who broke the silence.
“Whoever makes fun of you for that is an asshole.”
All heads turned towards Kelly. “What?” She asked and looked to everyone who was staring at her. “It’s true. Who the hell in their right mind could possibly kick someone when their down like that? I mean, I get when people do it ‘cause someone’s a nerd or something, but for your situation, Lylah, that’s just plain unacceptable.” She said.
I was at a loss for words. I didn’t even know how to react. “T-Thank you.” Was all I managed to get out.
Badass Kelly was actually being nice? It was in a small way, but it was something. A few heads nodded and another hand was raised, then another, and another. My eyes widened. What was going on? “Shanna.” The teacher called.
Shanna lowered her hand and sighed. “I will admit, I did talk about you a few times, but never to hurt you in anyway. I don’t really know you; I just wanted to know what happened.” She said softly.
I nodded my head. “Tim.” The teacher called.
“I don’t think you’re paranoid or conceited because if I was in your position I would feel the same way. I don’t think you should blame yourself for everything. It was an accident, after all.” He said.
How could I not blame myself? It was my cigarette that started the fire. My fault.
“Jake.”
“I’m not going to lie, but I have heard people talking about you. I’ve heard some say that they were sorry about what happened, and some who were just assholes about it, but hey, it’s high school and that’s what you’re going to get. People are bullies, but don’t be too hard on yourself. Kids are dumb now-a-days.” He explained.
I couldn’t get their responses out of my head. Everyone else read their paper after that and all I could think about was what was said. They thought I shouldn’t blame myself? How was that possible? This whole time I had thought everyone was out to hurt me. I thought everyone wanted to see me suffer, but that wasn’t the case.
Kyra and Johnny were right. I had been stuck in my own little world of self hate that I didn’t realize things around me. I didn’t realize people cared. I didn’t realize that not everyone was judging me. What kind of person was I? I should have known that not everyone wanted to hurt me. Not everyone was a bad person, how could I make that assumption?
But didn’t I deserve to be treated poorly?
The rest of the class period went on. We watched the movie Troy because we had nothing else to do. When it was finally time for everyone to leave, we grabbed our bags and headed out the door. I walked outside and waited near the steps for Johnny to pick me up.
“Bye, Lylah!” Haley said as she walked past me.
“See ya.”
I even got a few waved from Travis and Shanna when they walked by. They had been flirting all throughout the day. I didn’t understand why people were actually talking to me now all because of a three paragraph paper. Was it because I finally spoke out?
I saw Johnny pull up so I walked towards the car and got in. “How was it?” He asked.
“To be honest, pretty good.”
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Unfortunately, there is only one chapter left :( I will have it up after I put up a chapter for It Runs In the Family.