tw; mentions of self harm
dan's pov
troye's eyes are blue, a strong blue with a hint of underlying fury. phil's eyes are a sad blue, one mixed with different colours. his eyes remind me of the world, blue represents the oceans and sky. green represents the ground and earth. the little specks of yellow represent the sun. behind those eyes are the rest of the universe, all bundled up in an overwhelmingly kind heart. but that beautifully caring heart has just run out of my house crying.
what did i do? i was honest, i do love troye. phil and i were just friends, and i'm sure he knew that. maybe not even friends? we just started getting to know each other. but the sting of his words were personal, not the kind of pain you get from an acquaintance. did he think of me as something more? no, obviously not. maybe he was just disappointed? we'd spent time talking about how troye really wasn't the best fit for me, and here i was begging for his love. maybe phil thought i would be smarter than that.
suddenly phil's reaction doesn't seem so outrageous. over the top, maybe, but not completely uncalled for. i guess i should have thought this out a bit more. i was trying to start off with talking about my hurtful image, how it's a stupid ploy to get people to leave me alone, but somehow we'd instantly gone to troye. i'd barely said anything i wanted to. i guess i'm quite used to that though, being tossed aside because troye is more important.
"dan, listen," tyler said locking his dark eyes with me. i could already sense that this was going to hurt, just based off the look on his face. "look at yourself, do think troye would really be into such a mess? the answer is no. he likes me, we're compatible. we've kissed dan, did you know that? he's already moved on. who do you think he was with this evening?"
the loud crack of my heart resonated around the inside of my frail, hollow, body. i look at troye, waiting for him to tell me it isn't true, but i don't get that. he just nods sadly. i feel myself lean back and sink into the fluffy sofa, i've surrendered. my small arm raises and points towards the door. "leave," i mumble so quietly, it's almost inaudible. they share a look before staring at me, waiting for me to say something else. i sit up suddenly and lock eyes with troye specifically.
"now," the word is dark, and has so much force that i have to take a few deep breaths afterwards. i shut my eyes as they stand up and don't open them again until i hear the sound of a car pulling away.
i don't move for a while, just listen to the sound of my ragged breathes. eventually though, i feel a surge of something. pain. i look at my hands and see that my nails had dug into my palms, where my fists had been clenched, and broken the skin. small dots of blood became evident on the light pink surface. i made no move to clean it up and inside just let it bleed further.
my throat aches, begging for water, but i give it no mercy. i feel tears in my eyes, and tense up. my teeth dig into my bottom lip so painfully deep that it begins to bleed as well. i wonder what would happen if i just kept bleeding, if all the blood left my body and only an empty shell of myself was left, crumpled in a heap on the floor. it could be done so easily. not like that, but the complete loss of blood is plausible. i could walk into the kitchen right now and grab the scissors. i'd cut a line down each limb, and maybe a large slice down the centre of my chest. then i'd wait.
except i won't do that, because it would be stupid. i'm going to be safe and smart and ignore the urge to see my own blood. it's hard though, because i love seeing my own blood. it fills me with a rush of adrenaline and just this overall sense of power. honestly, i'm in need of something like that. i want to feel important, and the best way to do that would be to have some power over myself. i wish i had control of my emotions, or maybe my physical appearance.
shutting my eyes, i visualise an ideal image of myself. slim, maybe a little tanner. it's hard to imagine a better version of me, because my ideal image would not look anything like me. i'd reinvent myself. but then i guess it wouldn't be a better look for myself, i'd be someone else. i ponder it some more and finally realise i need to unclench my fists. my palms and fingers are sticky from bleeding out, and it feels like i've rubbed syrup across my hands.
i heave myself of the couch and slump into the bathroom. i open the cupboard in search of a towel, but instead my eyes settle on a metal scrap. when i was younger, and first learning about all the problems depression had to offer, i started collecting things. sharp pieces of metal, broken scissors, old medications, and here they are, all laid out in front of me.
silently, i pick up a piece of the sharpened material, dragging the edge slowly across my fingertip. it doesn't do anything, but i like the feeling anyway. the thing is though, i'm too scared to do anything else. i won't puncture the skin, not until things get really bad. so many people have it a lot worse than i do, so if i end up having to go to the hospital, i'd never want to occupy a bed that someone else needs. the thought is almost comforting, how much i can trust myself not to do anything. i can thing about it, just not act on it.
i put the metal back and wash off the leftover blood. it's not bad enough that it needs a plaster, so i exit the toilet. i slump onto the floor suddenly, in the middle of the kitchen floor. the tile is cool and feels nice on my overheated skin. the earlier events hit me suddenly, with a hell of a lot of force. i feel a stinging in my eyes. a lump forms in my chest, it's so painful holding back the tears that i begin breathing heavier. i curl into a ball, struggling to catch my breath. my hand shakes, wanting to call someone, but i have no one to call.
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phil's pov
i wake up with my heart racing. sweat pours down my face in large waves, and i feel a pounding behind my eyes. coughing, i reach beside the bed and switch on a lamp. the clock reads 4:32, a weird time for me to be awake. i lay back down and shudder as i touch the freezing pool of my own sweat. i already know going back to sleep will be impossible, which sucks considering it took forever for me to finally fall asleep. i have to get up for school in a few hours anyway, so it's not like a few more hours of sleep would be that valuable.
my mind jumps to dan for some reason. i've been regretting storming out ever since i got home. i overreacted, and it's not his fault that i started developing feelings. but i can't shake the thought that he was purposefully leading me on. it's probably just me thinking about it too hard though. i'm sure he didn't intend for me to start feeling this way. i don't even know what "this way" is.
do you like him?
i shake the question out of my head. i don't know the answer anyway. i barely know dan. which is weird because at the same time, i feel like i do know him. i may not know all of the deeper parts of him, but i've scratched the surface. i've learned about his favourite things, his mental illnesses, and his relationships with his friends and family. his family is gone a lot, they're gone right now.
"oh shit," i mumble, fumbling to grab my phone. i click on his contact quickly, hoping he's okay. what would i do if he wasn't okay? i don't even know. i need him to be okay.
the sound of him answering the phone fills my ears, and a wave of relief washes over me. "phil?" his small voice cracks, sounding on the verge of tears.
"dan? are you okay? i'm so sorry, i shouldn't have left you, i overreacted. please tell me you're safe. are your parents home yet?" excessive worry drips from my words. i hold the phone with one hand, while the other is stressfully holding a fist of my hair.
he waits patiently for me to finish before piping up. "i'm fine, phil. my parents will be home tomorrow evening—or i guess this evening," he chuckles.
"okay, i just wanted to make sure that you're safe. if you need anything, you know you can always come to me," i smile.
"yeah thanks," his voice drops as if he's about to hang up. "oh wait, phil?"
"yeah?" the concern has returned to my voice.
"did you know that they kissed? troye and tyler i mean, and while troye and i were still together?"
i pause, letting out a sigh. i'm not sure what to say, and quite frankly i'm a bit irritated. why wouldn't tyler tell me? and why would he deliberately hurt dan like that? "i honestly had no idea, i'm so sorry."
"oh, it's fine. see you tomorrow," his voice says distantly, as if his body is here, but the rest of him is not. "bye phil."
and the line goes dead before i can respond.
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troye's pov
"good morning," tyler's chirpy voice floods my ears. he had decided that he didn't want to go home last night, so we came back to my place. i suggested he sleep in the bed usually reserved for dan, but he insisted we share mine.
when did he get so annoying?
"yeah, morning," i grumble under my breath, covering my face with a pillow. he pulls it off to reveal his excessively bright smile.
i roll my eyes but give him a smile of my own. my irritation is just from the fact i have to get up early. i can't resist that priceless grin. he sticks out a hand to help me up. i climb out of bed and he wraps his arms around me. after finally being honest with dan, i thought it would be easier with tyler. i mean, i do love how close we can be now, but something is still eating at me.
leaving dan like that took a toll on my own emotions. it's hard for me to believe that i chose my own relationship over his safety, but i did. there's not much i can do about it now though. i kind of wish phil hadn't left though. when he stormed out, i couldn't help but laugh. him being angry is hilarious because it doesn't suit him well. he's such a cheery person, that seeing him unhappy is strange.
"come on, we need to get ready for school," i mumble sleepily.
"do we have to go to school? do you really want to face dan today?"
i consider it for a moment. my parents really wouldn't care, but i should go. i'm not sick, and i don't have a great excuse. but then again, we are finally getting to be a couple, so wouldn't a day off together be nice?
"yeah okay, let's just stay home," i say reluctantly giving in to him.
he smiles back at me and winks, "perfect."
a/n thanks for reading!! lmao please vote and comment i crave attention