CHAPTER 1
ever since i was seven i've been cutting myself.
one time i just tried it, against my instincts.
from then on it served as an escape from my home life.
my mum died when i was six. that was when my dad turned to drugs and alchohol to try and drown his sorrows.
illegal drugs and poisionous liquids.
ever since i was seven i've been picking up the peices to my dad's disasters and trying to not let anyone find out what my life was like. if anybody found out i would be shipped away to child services for sure.
now at fifteen, i sit in the window seat at my trash ridden, broken down old house every day when i come home from school.
high school is my personal hell.
i don't know what i did to upset the devil but it seems like he's teamed up with luck and they're hell bent on destroying my life.
i don't get invited to parties.
i don't have a boyfriend.
god, i don't even have any friends.
everyday after school i get bashed by the bitch of the school; maya, her 'posse' and a group of 'popular' guys.
my dad neither sees or cares about my bruises.
he's usually unconcious or too drunk.
i hate him but he is the only family i have left so i've got nowhere else to go.
when ever i cut myself it's usually after my dad tells me how much of a disapointment i am or if he hasn't come home for over a week.
my life revolves around my wreck of a dad in my opinion.
my life is doomed in my opinion.
i usually skip school or stay at the back of the classroom, drawing.
to me there is no point in even trying because my dad is a full time job.
i was sitting in science because the stupid vice princable; mr samson had caught me just as i was walking out of the school gates.
of course, i wasn't listening to anything the teacher was saying.
even if i wanted to listen i couldn't hear it over emily, who was sitting infront of me, whispering about how i was a emo freak and i had no friends.
so because i had endured this every day since i could remember; i flipped my dark brown hair over my shoulder to hide my deep blue eyes and switched on my ipod; my one escape from this torture.
half of the class had passed when i suddenly felt my earphones ripped from my ears.
i looked around and found the culprit.
uh oh.
mrs. hughes, my science teacher.
"would you like to explain why you were not listening and wholeheartedly contributing to this lesson?" she asked.
if looks could kill...
"or better yet, you could explain to the princable why you were using a banned item during class."
isn't she used to it yet?
i thought
"im sure he would love to know." she said with an air of finality, and stuffed my book in my bag.
so forty minutes later, after suffering a lecture from mr. guller, the princable, i was free.
the first thing i did was get out of the school gates.
i walked to the park down the road to do some sketching and get away from the reality of life.
it wasn't too far away but i would have to get out of there when school ended to avoid the crowds of teenagers heading to the skate park.
i sat down near the pond and pulled out my sketch book and a charcoal pencil before searching for an object. there was a bird sitting on the lake not very far away, floating slowly on the water's surface.
it was the perfect scenery aswell with a water fountain and trees in the background.
i was half way done when a boy around my age, decided to dive into the water, startling the bird and causing it to fly and skwauk out in alarm.
furious, i dug in my bag, searching for my pocket knife.
clutching it in my hand, i brought it to my wrist and felt the sticky blood on my arm.
sometimes it was the only way to release my pent up anger.
it wasn't really an acceptable reason as my wrists were just starting to scab.
i didn't usually lose it over such things as this but that was the icing on the cake to my bad day.
but i already felt satisfaction well inside of me.
it was horrible that i felt that way but it felt good to know that i wasn't more important to myself than i was to anyone else.
might not be the usual reason people do it but it was mine and i didn't care.
"hey! are you ok? what happened?"
i turned to the direction of the voice to see the guy who had jumped in and disrupted the bird.
"shouldn't you be in school?" i sneered.
he ignored my comment and shook his hair to dry it before walking up to me. he instantly looked with suprise at the pocket knife i stil held in my hand. "look sweetcheeks i don't know what kind of shit you're going through but you should never ever resort to that kind of thing."
now i was angry. he had no right to talk to me like that! "you sound like my school counceler. why should you care?"
the guy looked taken back before sitting down next to me.
i felt like the bird now. i wasn't used to people being this close to me. naturally people tended to avoid going anywhere near me.
it's times like this when i wish i had wings....
"you know sweetcheeks, you're kinda good looking when your hair isn't covering your face" he said, tucking a section of hair behind my ear.
"please don't touch me" i said and found myself, to my dismay blushing.
"look, can you tell me why you think you have to slit your wrists?" he asked.
ok, i wasn't expecting him to be so direct.
before i could help myself, tears sprang to my eyes.
"im sorry. look, i didn't mean to upset you. i just wondered if there was anything i could help with." he murmured, sounding destressed.
"i just- i'm not used to people- well talking to me r-really" i stumbled, "it's just that p-people don't usually g-go anywhere near me."
"i can't see why not" he told me gently "my name's jason what's yours sweetcheeks?"
"it's jasmine. why do you keep calling me sweetcheeks?"
"well chicks usually dig that stuff."
wait... he wanted me to dig him...
"whatever loverboy" i said with a mischevious smile that was somewhat ruined by my watery eyes.
jason turned to me slowly and seriously, but i could tell he was trying not to smile, "you did not just say that" he said.
"oh don't worry, i'm totally 'digging' you." i said, "not"
then for the first time since my mum died, someone tickled me.
i am extremely ticklish.
"ahh stop! stop! i give in! you are totally hot and- ahh! stop! ha! ha! ha! stop! stop it right no-hahaha!"
we rolled onto the grass and out into the open.
school had just been let out.
the people in my school usually migrate towards the skate park about twenty metres away.
yes, if you couldn't tell by the adjective in the previous sentance, i think of them of animals.
it's the only way to really describe the rabid beasts who attend gonnebury state high school.
a lot of my class mates had phones out and were looking suprised.
i have an idea of what that had sounded like to them.
"emo girl? you are in a lot of shit for ditching the rest of the day you know?" said tom; a guy in my maths class.
"what did you just call her?" questioned jason, appearing beside me and for some reason, looking pretty angry.
"is that you jace? you could do so much better than her. who knew that you would ever date trash like that."
oh so jason was one of them. i had begun to think he was different.
close to tears i turned away.
"she's not my girlfriend." said jason or 'jace' as his friends called him.
"oooooh is that the chick who you were spying on? bit young for you isn't she? bit too white for me." he said while scanning my body.
now i pushed past jason to get my bag and ran the rest of the way home.
he was just like the rest of them
she's not my girlfriend
i should have known. why was i so upset?
when i reached my house, i kicked the door open and stormed to my room.
"diiiiina are you (hiccup) home?" i heard my dad slur. dina was my mum's name. he was drunk.
"when i arrrrsk you something you... you answer young lady!" he said, crashing into my room.
apparently i was wrong.
he is very drunk and very close to passing out.
"go away!" i yelled at him.
"no! yoooo can't juss burst inno my house and expeck me toooo do your dirty work! hurry up and ge my dinner ready!"
now i was outraged.
"no because that is something that every fifteen year old has to do to their forty year old dad!" i shouted "just leave me alone!"
"makea meeee my dinner yoooo li'l slut!" he cursed "you think just because your mum died yoooo thinkle (hiccup) you can warrrrrrrk all over me!"
"shut up! just shut up!" i screamed at him" you didn't even love mum did you?"
i think i may have pushed it too far but it's true "don't yoooo ever talk to me like that again you disaaagusting, good for nothing, stuck up coooow!" he shouted and walked over to me and pushed me.
it's true isn't it?" i asked as i stumbled back but he came and pushed me against the window.
"you thiiiink your life is soooooo bad (hiccup) don't you?"
then he slapped me across the face and punced my nose. blood poured everywhere and my dad stepped back, disgusted.
"stand up and... and fight!" he yelled, as i had sank to the ground.
i pushed past him, grabbed a bag and stuffed some random clothes into it.
tears clouded my vision as i clutched my mothers photograph to my chest and ran out the front door.
"come back heeeer you pathetic little girl! you'll lenever make it in this world alone soooo come black and make me... make me dinner!"
i ignored his words.
i ran through the streets without any sense of direction. i stumbled through the padestrians who gave me strange looks while stuffing my mums picture in my old, stained bag.
i don't know how long i ran for. all i knew was that sometime i would have to go back and face my dads wrath.
i do know that i ran for ages.
i turned down an alley that looked unoccupied.
"hey little girl, why you runnin?" said a slimy voice.
i turned to see three men, about nineteen years old.
i noted their muscles and greedy expressions.
"sugar, you can come home with me if you have nowhere to go. my bed's big enough for two."
i blanched.
"tom, your scaring her" said another guy while pressing my body against his "don't mind him."
i looked around but the sky had darkened and the alley i was standing in was completely deserted apart from us.
"s-stay awa-ay f-f-from m-me" i stuttered, trying to disentangle myself from him.
"aww darlin you don't have to play hard to get." he said, lowering his face to mine "you know you want me."
i felt his dirty lips crash against mine and the two others lent against my back.
i can't belive this is happening to me
i thought.
now i was scared. i was terrified infact.
their breath stunk of tabacco and they were definetly dirty.
we stood their for a while of frantic thoughts and escape attempts before i felt his arm wrap around my waist and lift me against the wall.
i was trapped with my feet dangling just above the ground.
two sets of hands lifted my legs foward, around the first guys torso so now i was straddling him as their hands skimmed up and up. i prayed and prayed they would stop as they reached the very upper part of my thighs.
"sweetcheeks?" said a familiar voice. the pressure was gone from my lips and the two sets of hands exploring my bare skin, making goosepimples break out vanished.
i shivered at the sight of jason.
my answered prayer.
"j-jason!" i whimpered, running towards him.'
"not so fast" said the first guy, grabbing hold of my wrist. "i wasn't finished with you."
"help!" i screamed..
nothing happened in slow motion like they always say they do.
i was knocked to the ground and forgotten, just like that
jason had already been running towards him and i heard the guys jaw break as i turned back to him.
"jasmine run!" jason called back to me.
i couldn't just leave him, "no i-i'm not leaving you!" i said, forgetting my anger towards him.
before he could protest i had knocked down the other guy and was sitting on his stomach.
"knew you couldn't stay away from me sugar" he said with a smirk.
disgusted, i slapped him across the face and punced his nose until i heard a crack. i kept on punching any part of him i could find. it felt so good too.
suddenly i felt myself lifted off him and cradled to someone.
i was too physically and emotionally drained to care who it was.
let them get me
i thought before i let the darkness wash over me.