I locked myself in the bathroom, I couldn't be out in the open like this, This is what happens when things get over whelming but hell. . . I didn't think I was capable of hurting the only one who I truly would risk my own life for. This has gotten out of hand, this isn't how its supposed to go. Get a hold of yourself, Johnny. I sighed deeply and sat on the floor in the corner of the room, my knees to my chest and I cowered away from the door, afraid that one of them might come in.
My thoughts were silent, a rarity coming from me. Nothing was on my mind and I was staring at the shelves that had multiple towels on them, they're were shaving creme and toothbrushes. I never understood why they kept all of that on the shelves instead of the sink. I guess their just unique, I don't know. I wanted to though, were they different from everyone else?
Here we go with the stupid over thinking, I needed to calm down, I needed to go out there and apologize and I needed to get my shit together. Thats it, Thats all. But its much more easier said than done isn't it? I mean, it doesn't really seem like a hard task, but I don't remember the exact thing that I was doing, so to sum things up, I basically don't know what I did, so should I actually apologize?
Of course you should! You hit the only person that has been there since day one! I guess that would change things. But I didn't do it on purpose, then I guess I should apologize. Why am I contemplating whether or not I should apologize?!
I stood up quickly, shuffling and wiping at my clothes, trying to look a little decent. But I couldn't help but think I looked like shit anyways, so this wouldn't help. I looked in the mirror and sighed, seeing the same old dirty, broken boy in front of me, just a little more lifeless as days go by. I felt an itch on my arm and I looked down at it and saw faint little scars that represneted the needles I so deperately needed in my life now. I turned and reached for the handle, and before I could unlock it, there was a tiny knock on the door, and if the house was more normal and noisy like it usually was, I wouldn't have been able to hear it.
"Johnny. . . I'm sorry, I know it wasn't on purpose. You were over whelmed, I realize that but please don't over think this. I'm. . . okay. I promise I am." I flew the door open as soon as those words left his lips. I couldn't bare to hear it.
"You're apologizing for something, I did?" I felt tears come to my eyes, god he was so damn selfless, never thinks about himself. As I took a good look at him, I saw the faint maroon mark on his face and I shuddered.
"I know you didn't mean it, and I didn't want to make you feel worse by crying so, yes. I am sorry." Ponyboy's eyes were glistening, fighting back his tears, I quickly pulled him in a tight embrace, feeling the need to have him in my arms. He needs someone now. He's been there for me, always, so it's my turn. I wanted to hold him while he cried, I wanted to comfort him when he was sad or over whelmed. I hated taht he kept everything to himself. He was allowed to be sad too.
"No. . . fuck that. You're allowed to cry, Pony." I remembered when he first told me that, I rememeber that night like it was yesterday.
"But-" I cut him off by a kiss to his lips, silencing the younger.
"No, you gotta let me do this. Just listen to me, hear me out, okay?" He nodded slow and sniffled. I took a deep breath and let it out.
"I am so sorry, for everything that I have ever said, ever done, or made you do, I know this doesn't mean anything but I had to say it. Because if I didn't, then it would eat me alive. I am in love with you, and there is nothing, absolutely nothing anybody could do or say to change that. So I am sorry, and if you ever apologize for something that someone else did, I'll skin you. You hear? And this over thinking about you making me over whelmed with the crying conspiracy, throw it out the window cause that's not the case at all, Though I hate to see you cry and not your usual self doesn't mean you can't be emotional, baby." His eyes trailed to the floor and I lifted my finger to his chin, forcing him to look up. But his eyes wouldn't meet my own,
"Hey, look at me. I'm serious. Okay? I love you and you're worth everything to me. You're the only one left, Pony." Tears filled his eyes and he hugged me tight, sobbing into my shoulder,
"I love you too, Johnny." I sighed and closed my eyes, stroking his hair. Thats all I've ever wanted, that's it.
He stopped crying and looked up at me, and gave me a kiss to my cheek. I blushed and he giggled wetly, I wiped the tears from his face and smiled.
"Come on," I wanted to go back to the room, so I could fully apologize to the rest of the gang. When we got to the door, I hesitated to open it but I managed. When it creaked open, I let out a sigh as I glanced at everyone trying to clean my mess.
"You. . . feelin' better, Johnny?" Two swallowed, scared of my reaction almost. I gave a soft smile and nodded. It was frustrating to keep watching them clean, so I just spoke up.
"I'm sorry," I blurted, a knot in my throat began to tighten, and I tried to swallow it down but it wouldn't budge. "For everything. For leaving, for hollerin', for cussin', and most of all just worrying you all. I don't mean to cause any trouble with everyone. I'll. . . w-won't be a bother to. . ." I couldn't finish, my voice was wobbly, and my breathing was shallow. I let out a small whimper and Ponyboy grabbed my waist, pulling me closer to him, and he rested his head on my chest and as I tried to regain my breathing back.
"What- Johnny, no. You've never been a burden to us ever, not once have you ever caused trouble. You use your head and you're reliable. And you keep the gang together, we wouldn't get along without you here." Darry looked as if he wasn't getting his point across, he was panicky, and frantic to try and get me to understand.
"Okay, if you say so. . . " I muttered but he thought that I was denying it,
"I'm serious, Johnny. You leave, we all go insane. Especially that one," He gestured to Ponyboy, who only squeezed tighter. Thats when I really looked at everyone, Soda and steve sat on the bed, trying to put some of the photographs back in the boxes. They looked tired, drained, lifeless, just utterly exhausted, I felt a pang of guilt in my chest and my throat get even tighter. I then looked at Two-bit, he was looking like he wasn't sober, like he'd been drinkin' like a mad man. My eyes finally landed on Dally and his whole demeanor looked shrivelled, his normally tough, cold eyes were tired and sad. He hunched over, trying to act normal, but he looked as if he would start crying.
"I'm sorry Dally, for earlier. I didn't mean any of what I said." I whispered, but I was 90% sure he had heard every word. Like I said, Dally's a good listener. Even when you think he isn't and he's just actin' like his usual self, he still listens.
"Don't get wise with me, little man. I didn't like what you said to me," He said and I broke out in a cold sweat, he was angry. Shit.
"I didn't mean anything by it! I- " I was cut off by him laughing.
"I'm just pullin' your leg, Johnnycakes. I forgive you." He chuckled and I relaxed. Letting Pony's embrace calm me as well.
"Two, I'm sorry as well. When. . . I said those things to you and said that you didn't care, I knew deep down you did. So I'm sorry for causing so much ruckus between the two of us." I said and I swear to you, Two lit up like a fuckin' star. He smiled real big and his eyes held the old look that everyone knew and loved.
"Thanks, kid." I turned to Steve and Soda then and sighed.
"Soda, I'm sorry for trying to take your brother away from you, I didn't think about how I was affecting you with this at all. And Steve, I'm sorry for disrespecting you. I know you care and I'm so grateful for the both of you," I said, and they looked surprised and all Soda did was smile at me.
"You two are safe now, thats all that matters." Soda smiled his goofy grin and I couldn't help but return it to him but Steve looked cautious,
"What you did back there. . . was crazy kid. But, I forgive you. You're like a brother to me, I couldn't ever stay mad at you in the first place." He smiled and I nodded,
"I hate to break this moment, but the social worker is coming to check on the both of you, Pony and Soda I mean, so I have to run some errands, and I need a few volunteers to help buy groceries." Darry smiled,
"Two, Steve and I will go grocery shopping!" Soda yelled excitingly and Darry snorted.
"Last time I sent you grovery shopping, you got everything from the damn store except the things on the list." He laughed and Soda pouted,
"I'll make sure no funny buisness goes around then," Dally offered and Then smiled, giving Darry a look. Oh? Was I missing something here?
"Alright! Great! You two okay with being alone?" Darry asked and I secretly wanted to say, no. We weren't, but I nodded and he smiled and ruffled both of our heads. They all piled out of the room, each of themgiving me some type of pat; on the back, shoulder or something and I smiled.
Everything was silent for some minutes, and I sat on the bed. I heard a couple cars rumbling to life outside and I sighed, plopping down on bed.
"Hey. . . Johnnycakes?" I could hear fear in his voice, and I sat up, looking at hin weirdly.
"Yeah?"
"Could we maybe shoot up? I really want to after that encounter, I need to relax."
"Here? Are you sure? What if someone catches us?"
"The high lasts shorter and shorter everytime, it'll only be for an hour or something. . . Please?" I sighed then, and he kissed me, slow and soft, trying to get me to give in.
And of course.
I gave in.
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Stuff is about to go down lady's and gents, prepare for some shit.