Chapter Twenty Three
Terror seized me as I forced myself to look away from the blood.
It all made sense. The constant tugging on the sleeves; the way he snatched his arm away whenever I grabbed his wrist; the day Rita had softly taken his wrists in her hands that day in Biology…
She took hold of his wrists gently and whispered something to him. He smiled a little, and they hugged.
She’d known about it. She’d always known about it.
‘N-Nicholas,’ I whispered. I didn’t know what to say.
‘Lea.’ His voice was almost nonexistent. ‘I-I don’t…I don’t want you to see me like this.’
How come he’d told her and not me?
‘It’s too late, Nick.’
‘Go away, Lea.’ His voice was barely a whisper.
‘I’m not going anywhere.’
His lips trembled and his grip on the blade tightened. Blood seeped out of his clenched fist. He turned away, gripping the sides of the sink, hard. His shoulders were tense, and his back was towards me, obscuring my view, but I could still hear the tears he was trying to hold in, even if I couldn’t see them.
This was the Nick I knew. Broken, aching, wounded.
And it broke my heart to see him like this.
I was surprised to find tears in my eyes, swimming in my vision, as I made my way towards him. Tentatively, I placed a gentle hand on his arm. ‘Nick,’ I whispered.
He kept his head down, red-rimmed eyes averted, staring at the bottom of the sink. At the blood. ‘Go away, Lea,’ he said again.
‘Nick—’
‘Go away,’ he growled. But his measly attempt at anger couldn’t hide the pain behind it. I saw his shoulders shuddering with the effort to keep it all in.
‘No!’ I said fiercely. ‘I’m not going anywhere, Nick. I’m staying,’ I whispered.
He suddenly turned and held me tight, close. I waited for the tears.
They didn’t come.
I wrapped my arms around him. All of a sudden, he felt so lost, so small in my arms. ‘It’s OK, Nick,’ I said quietly.
‘No, it’s not.’
‘It’s OK to cry.’
There was a long silence filled with his heavy, laboured breathing – and, as much as I hated to admit it in the moment, the lack of distance between us felt good – and with every second that passed, his grip on my back got tighter and tighter.
Why didn’t he want to tell me?
Why would he tell her and not me?
Was this because of Rita? Is that why she knew?
‘Nick,’ I wheezed. ‘Nick, c-can you let go a bit? I can’t breathe.’
He let go. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered. ‘I—’ he broke off, choking on a sob. Then the tears came. They were slow at first. His lips trembled as tears leaked out of his eyes, and he grabbed onto the sides of the sink as the wave of emotion washed over, his grip so tight that his knuckles turned white. The blood-stained blade clattered to the floor as he sank down against the wall, grabbing fistfuls of his hair as he curled up into a shaking ball, his shoulders shaking hard with his sobs.
And every single one – every single breath, every single gasp – stabbed at me like knives.
And I couldn’t even do anything about it.
I crouched down in front of him, my hands trembling almost as much as his were. I gently tried to prise his fingers out of his hair – which looked like they were going to rip the strands from the roots.
‘Nick,’ I whispered gently. ‘Nicholas, look at me.’
He raised his head a little. His hands still shook as he brought them up to his face to wipe away the tears.
‘What’s wrong?’ I asked gently, trying to swallow the growing lump in my throat. ‘What could possibly be so wrong, so painful, to drive you to the extent of…of this?’
I wondered whether Damien or Dayna or Vince had something on him, too.
But, no, this looked worse. Much worse.
Leaning his head back against the wall, he closed his eyes, taking in shaky breaths, trying to control the sobs. He opened his bright blue orbs briefly, enough to meet mine, before averting his gaze and muttering, ‘There are a million ways I could answer that question.’
I ached at the underlying tone in his voice. ‘Nicholas…’ I reached out for him, loosely taking his wrists in my hands. They were covered in harsh, deep slits, criss-crossing like crosshatched sketching, oozing and dripping with a deep, rich red blood which was the paint onto the pale canvas that was his skin.
I gasped when I pulled away with blood on my hands.
‘I only want one,’ I said, frozen at the sight of someone else’s blood – his blood – staining my fingertips.
‘Her,’ he whispered, then he bit down hard on his fist, his body shaking with the effort not to cry again.
Something fiery hot surged up inside me. What had Rita done? What could she have possibly done to drive him to feel this amount of pain?
She was hurting him.
I took in a shuddery breath. ‘What did she do to you?’ My voice came out surprisingly hard. I grabbed his hands, and he looked up. ‘What the hell did she do to you?’
I didn’t know what was worse: seeing him cry, or witnessing the amount of sheer effort it took him to muster the smallest of smiles.
The lump in my throat came back again.
He shook his head a little, and his hair flopped over his eyes. ‘It wasn’t what she did. It was what I did.’ He stared at me expectantly, but I replied with a blank look. ‘I hurt her, Lea,’ he whispered, his voice beginning to shake again. He clenched his fists even tighter, and blood started seeping out of the cuts on his wrists again.
I tilted my head. ‘Why did you do it?’ I asked softly.
He shook his head again, clenching his fists so hard that his knuckles were turning white in the dark again. He raked his hands through his tangled hair, trying to fight the tears that were starting to leak down his face. When his eyes met mine, they were wild and crazed. What scared me was the quiet voice that matched them.
‘I hurt her, Lea.’ His voice – his shaking, hoarse, weighted voice – was barely a whisper. ‘I hurt the girl I love.’
And something inside me shattered.
“I hurt the girl I love.”
It would never be me. I’d always known that, and yet I still resisted the urge to believe it.
Now I was the one trying to fight the tears.
‘W-why do it,’ I said, ‘if it leads to this?’
He splayed out his arms hopelessly. ‘I had to! And I still have to. Do you think I would do it if I didn’t?’
I pursed my lips, trying to ignore the aching feeling inside me. But it cried out, screaming to be acknowledged. I turned away, trying to quickly wipe away my tears.
Why her? Why Rita?
Because she’s perfect. Who wouldn’t want someone like her – someone clever, beautiful, funny, talkative, voice as beautiful as her hair with a personality that stands out even more?
‘Why do you have to?’ I asked quietly.
But whilst he was hurting her, he was hurting me, too.
‘You wouldn’t understand,’ he mumbled. ‘No one does.’
‘I would…if you gave me the chance.’ What exactly had I meant when saying that, though?
Gave me the chance to do what, exactly?
He shook his head, glaring down at the cuts on his wrists. I looked away; they were too painful to look at.
‘I can help you,’ I said quietly.
‘No, you can’t—’
‘I promised to help you, remember?’ My voice had turned soft. ‘And I will…but I can’t unless you let me.’
He stared at me for a bit, letting his wrists drop to his sides. Then a small smile came to his face. ‘You didn’t promise to help me; you promised to save me.’
And he was right. I had.
And, as I watched him dissolve into tears again, body trembling again, I vowed to myself that I would.
*
His face was just inches away from mine. He took my hands in his, holding them loosely, catching my gaze with shy eyes.
‘I…I have something to tell you,’ he said quietly.
I stared back, trying to gulp down the lump in my throat again. ‘What?’ I cringed at how hoarse my voice sounded.
‘I-I think…’ he trailed off, taking in a deep breath. He tried again, a smile touching one side of his mouth. His smile. ‘I’m in love with you.’
My breath hitched. I couldn’t help the surge of giddiness inside me. I looked away shyly, trying to bite back a smile.
He reached out with tender hands, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear. ‘And I always have been. I’m sorry it took so long for me to tell you, b-but…I want you to know that nothing I’ve said has ever been truer.’
And the look in his eyes – the look of determination, intensity, of love…all things that he meant for someone else, not me.
And the feeling inside me died. We were practising for what he would say to Rita tomorrow.
‘What do I do next?’ he whispered.
I tried to keep the smile on my face. But it was hard. ‘Tell her how much she means to you.’
He nodded, his face thoughtful for a second, before saying, ‘You mean the world to me, and I would do anything for you…but…’
I looked up. ‘But what?’
Tears were coming back to his eyes. I could feel my heart cracking inside me again.
They left glistening tracks on his cheeks in the dark. ‘I’m not…I’m no good for her, Lea,’ he whispered. ‘I was horrible to her, a-and I hurt her, Lea. I really did. A-and…and…’ he broke off, his voice cracking on the last word as he pulled back his hands to wipe at his face. ‘She could never love me.’
Something broke inside me again.
He was hurting so bad.
Talking was no good. After two hours of trying to convince him that all the tears and all the pain wasn’t worth it, he was getting worse.
Sing to him, Lea.
I took in a deep breath, aching at the sight of his helplessness.
I knew the perfect song.
‘Hey,’ I whispered. I gently tugged on his hands. ‘Nicholas.’ Even though I knew I wasn’t supposed to, I laced my fingers with his. He looked down at our hands.
‘When you try your best, but you don’t succeed,’ I started, my voice quiet. ‘When you get what you want, but not what you need.’
A small smile came to his face again.
‘When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep. Stuck in reverse…’
He glanced up at me, and his smile was almost genuine, but the tears were still there. And I continued, ‘And the tears come streaming down your face, when you lose something you can’t replace. When you love someone, but it goes to waste…could it be worse?’
He took in a shuddery breath, eyes still firmly fixed on our linked hands.
‘Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you.’
He hummed the instrumental part, gently rubbing his thumb over my fingers. I smiled a little, my voice shaking as I continued to sing, ‘And high up above or down below, when you’re too in love to let it go. But if you never try, you’ll never know, just what you’re worth…’
I saw the crack in his façade, and the way he strained to keep his smile. I shook my head, as if to say again, ‘It’s OK to cry,’ but his smile faded and his shoulders began to shake.
Watching him feel that way hurt me almost as much as it hurt him. So I carried on, gently wiping away his tears as I sang, ‘Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you.’
When I looked up at him, I caught him staring at me. My breath hitched, and he looked away, taking my other hand in his, rubbing his thumb gently over my fingers, over the tears that fell on them, shakily humming the next instrumental part.
‘Tears stream down your face,’ I sang in a whisper, aching to pull him closer, hug him…kiss him. ‘When you lose something you cannot replace…tears stream down your face, and I…’
He broke again, letting a small cry escape as he gave way to sobs.
And, before I knew it, I was crying, too.
He looked up again, taking in a shaky breath, and sang with me, ‘Tears stream down your face, I promise you I will learn from my mistakes…tears stream down your face and I…’
Why couldn’t it be me? I kept on thinking. Why her?
Me and Nick were hurting for different reasons – him for her, and me for him – but seeing him cry didn’t make my tears any better. In fact, it just made it worse. He moved closer, pulling me close, and I couldn’t help but let out a sigh as his arms – warm and strong, awash with scars and tears and blood – enveloped me.
And I heard his voice. That pure, low, beautiful, irresistible voice that I’d fallen for – and kept falling for – sang into my ear the last few lines of the song. ‘Lights will guide you home, and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you.’
I clung to him, sucking in deep breaths, as if consuming more oxygen would overwhelm the aching feeling inside me, and maybe then it would disappear.
But it didn’t.
‘I’m sorry, Lea’ he whispered in my ear. ‘I’m sorry.’
Wasn’t sorry supposed to make it all OK?
But it didn’t. It just made it worse, and I just ended up crying even harder.
He didn’t say anything. Instead, he just lay down, arms wrapped tight around me; he was so close that we breathed the same air, and I could feel his heartbeat and he could feel mine; I buried my face in his chest and he tucked his head into my shoulder, and I could feel his breath against my cheek.
And that was how we fell asleep.
*
When I woke up that morning, I spent almost half an hour watching Nick sleep.
He was beautiful in his sleeping state – peaceful, even.
He smiled in his sleep.
I slipped away from his arms, aching for them the minute I left their haven, and tried to ignore how horrible I looked in the mirror as I tried to sort out my hair.
I cleaned the kitchen. I wiped away the blood and got rid of the blade.
I made Nick a cup of hot chocolate, and left it by the coffee table next to the sofa.
I bandaged his wrists, gently running my hands over the cuts and scars before hiding them under swathes of bandage.
I went to put the bandages away and came back.
I did a double take.
Had he been shirtless the whole night? Or was it only now that he’d taken off his shirt?
Was he really asleep?
His breathing was steady, and he sounded like he was asleep. But the flicker in his features that appeared when I kissed his cheek before I left told me otherwise.
*
When I reached my house, I realised that I wasn’t ready to go in. Dad had probably finished copying all his files and whatnot, but had someone else been in there and taken them? Had someone somehow hacked into the computer system and wrecked things just after he’d thought they were going right?
I’d been beginning to notice a pattern, and that was usually how it went.
So, I walked back down to the end of the road, took my phone from my pocket, called Poppy, and asked for directions to Rita’s house.
‘Rita’s house?’ she repeated, stunned.
‘Yeah. Where does she live?’
‘I’m sorry…wait, did you really say you want to know where Rita McClarkinson lives?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Yeah. Why?’
‘Um…no reason,’ she said, and I could hear some shuffling as she hunted for her address book. ‘By the way, Lea, you sound absolutely awful. Are you OK?’
I went through the many ways I could answer that.
‘There are a million ways I could answer that question.’
‘I only want one.’
‘I just had a rough night. Anyway, you got that address?’
‘What’s the rush? And, yeah, I think I’ve got it. Hang on,’ she said, then she read out the street name and gave me directions, and I was on my way.
As I walked, I tried to block out the part of my brain that was listing the many different reasons why I was not to be doing what I was.
One main reason that resonated no matter how hard I tried to push it away was because what I felt for Nick was a funny thing called love, but I was sure that if that was what it was, I would’ve fought harder for him last night.
But I’d promised to help him – save him, even. If this was what it took, then it was what I was going to do.
I turned into Rita’s road.
Even if what it takes is something that might break your heart?
I snorted, trying to block out the voice. He could only break my heart if he had it first.
But he does, doesn’t he?
I tried to stop myself from answering that one.
When I reached Rita’s door, I was surprised that I wasn’t feeling angry, scared, afraid. Where had the absolute hatred for her gone?
When she opened the door, she looked pleasantly surprised, but she managed a smile. ‘Bit early, isn’t it?’
I didn’t say anything. Why was I here?
The smile faded a little at my lack of response. ‘Is school on today?’
Oops. I hadn’t even checked. I hoped not. ‘I doubt it,’ I said.
‘OK…’ she trailed off, opening the door wider, inviting me in.
I shook my head, deciding that I preferred the doorstep. ‘I didn’t come to talk about school; I came to talk about Nick.’
She made a face. ‘Look, Lea, I appreciate that—’
‘I don’t know what’s gone on between you two, but I know how you feel about him, and I know how he feels about you. I—’
‘What did he say?’ she blurted, eyes widening.
I smiled a little, but it was painful. ‘Enough for me to know that you should try again.’
She sighed. ‘I tried, Lea. You…you were there yesterday, right?’
‘Yeah. Seriously, Rita, I know that we’re not exactly friends or anything…’
She raised her eyebrows. ‘We’re not?’
I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. Her naivety brought back a little of my usual distaste for her.
Then I had to resist the urge to smirk.
‘Well, that doesn’t really matter right now,’ I said quickly. ‘I came to say that he does love you, Rita. I—’
‘Lea, he doesn’t.’ Her grip on the door tightened.
The way her knuckles turned white reminded me of the way that his had, too.
I frowned. ‘I know you think that I hate you or something, but I swear to you, I’m telling you the truth. He just…he doesn’t know how to tell you. Just…look, just promise me you’ll try again, and I swear to you, you won’t be sorry.’
The frown disappeared, and a smile touched her features. Her grip on the door loosened. ‘You think so?’
Our eyes locked, and we both smiled as she anticipated what I was going to say. ‘I know so.’
*
Nick arrived early for rehearsals that day.
But Rita had arrived even earlier. She stood up immediately, spotting him as soon as the door began to open.
He wasted no time in walking over to her the second he walked through the door, and he grabbed her by the waist, stopping the start of her sentence with his lips.
And the aching feelings – the feelings deep inside that I’d spent hours trying to banish – flooded back, and tears welled up in my eyes.
The desperation in their kiss made it hurt more.
He really did love her.
And, in that moment, I realised that it would always be her.
I heard Poppy whooping behind me.
I heard Alex wolf-whistling beside me.
I heard Mr Black shouting in front of me.
I heard Gus muttering behind me.
I heard the way my heart broke inside me, and I ran from the room before anyone saw me cry.
I sank down against the wall, gasping, trying to contain the sobs.
I understood the pain that Nick had felt.
I’d thought that the pain inside me – the horrible, agonising, twisting pain – would stop, but it didn’t.
Tears streamed down my face, and I sobbed uncontrollably, squeezing my eyes shut and curling up into a ball.
‘Lea,’ I heard a voice say.
I looked up.
Nick?
No. Poppy.
She crouched down in front of me. I knew that she wouldn’t lie to me by telling me that it was all going to be OK, because it wasn’t.
I wanted to hate Rita, but I couldn’t.
I wiped fiercely at my eyes, but the tears just kept coming. ‘P-Poppy,’ I stuttered. ‘I…I…’ I trailed off, trying to fight the ache inside me. I tried to speak, and failed.
‘I know, Lea,’ she said quietly. ‘I know.’
*
I’d finally stopped crying when we were inside Poppy’s car on the way back to my house.
She stopped the car suddenly, pulling over. ‘You’ve got to do something about this, Lea.’
‘I know…maybe I’ll go to sleep and I’ll forget it all by tomorrow morning,’ I mumbled, letting out a sigh. My voice sounded thick and horrible.
And I hated it.
She shook her head, tilting it as she gave me a look. ‘No, not that, Lea, I meant this. In the midst of all of this, you’ve forgotten about Jack. Did you think he didn’t see the way you were quiet at rehearsals? Did you think he didn’t see the way you ran out of the room? Did you think he didn’t see the way you cried?’
I bit my lip, staring out of the window. I knew that Poppy was only trying to help. I could count on her to avoid all the pity-mush and get down to what was really going on.
‘I…’ I trailed off, not knowing what to say.
‘Lea, I know that this is, like, really hard for you, but it’s not going to get better unless you do something about it.’
‘What can I do?’ I asked fiercely. ‘I can’t do anything. You saw the way they…ugh, you know, it’s too late for me.’
‘But you have to tell him,’ she said.
‘Tell who?’ I asked, wondering which twin she was talking about now.
She shook her head again, giving me an incredulous look. ‘Lea, this isn’t pick and choose. You can’t be with one whilst you’re longing for the other.’ She took in a sharp breath. ‘You can’t keep chasing the Browns.’
I turned back, staring through the window again. I wanted to scream.
She just didn’t understand.
‘No one does.’
‘I’m not chasing,’ I whispered. ‘I know who I want.’
She grabbed my arm.
‘Then tell him, Lea! You can’t just sit by and do this to yourself.’
‘But he—’
‘It doesn’t matter if he’s got her, does it? That doesn’t affect the way you feel.’
She started up the car again, and she executed a terrible u-turn.
I started to cry again.
I saw her waggling a tissue from the corner of my peripheral vision, and I couldn’t help but laugh a little.
A pitiful look overcame her face, and her voice was surprisingly quiet when she said, ‘You really love him, don’t you?’
I didn’t say anything.
I didn’t need to.
*
At first I thought the house was quiet. But there were noises upstairs.
I’d figured that Rita would probably be with Nick, meaning that Jack would be at home.
I would have time to tell him about how things couldn’t go on between us before Nick came back.
However, that plan was screwed the second that Nick came through the front door.
‘You shouldn’t be here,’ he said immediately.
‘But I am.’ I approached him slowly, wondering how I was going to say it. ‘And I have to tell you something.’
He gave me a warning look. ‘Lea, you really shouldn’t be here.’
‘I don’t care, Nick!’ It was almost a shout. ‘I know that you and Rita are together now, and I know that you love her, but—’
‘Lea, you have to go!’
‘Nicholas, listen to me!’
He gave me an exasperated look.
I gulped. This was not how I’d wanted it to go, but I had to tell him, anyway.
‘Nicholas,’ I said softly, taking one of his hands in my own as I took in a deep breath. ‘I…I love you.’
He looked close to being horrified. ‘You don’t mean that,' he said quickly.
‘I do!’ I cried. I could feel the tears coming back.
Oh no, not again…
My shoulders sagged, and I was helpless as the tears made their reappearance. ‘A-and I know it’s horrible timing because you’ve just confessed to another girl, but I couldn’t wait. I had to tell you,’ I whispered, my voice shaking.
He gave me a desperate look. ‘Lea—’
‘And I know you love her, and that you’ll always love her, and that I can never live up to her, because she’s beautiful and she’s kind and she’s a great singer and she’s all the things I’ll never be…’ I trailed off, hardly able to speak with the way I was almost sobbing. I had to finish this, though. ‘A-and…and I g-guess I’ll just always be that girl, the one waiting on the sidelines because she’s not good enough,’ I mumbled.
He looked torn by the time I’d finished speaking. ‘Lea…’ he said, and I waited for him to say more, but he didn’t.
I nodded slowly. ‘It’s OK…I-I get it.’
There was a silence between us.
And then I could hear the noises again. The noises I’d heard when I came in. As the silence dragged and I concentrated even more, I realised that they weren’t just noises…they were voices.
My eyes widened. ‘Is Jack here?’
Nick’s mouth dropped open. ‘Lea, don’t—!’
I just about slipped out of his reach as he made to grab at me, and I ran for the stairs, making my way as quietly and quickly as possible.
I heard a laugh.
I heard a squeal.
I tiptoed across the corridor, trying to ignore Nick who was at the bottom of the stairs, pleading me not to go any further.
I opened the door.
I gasped.
Someone swore out loud.
Two naked figures pressed up against the wall.
Jack.
But that didn’t surprise me; it was the other one that did:
Dayna.
A/N: Sorry the chapter's so long. The song's on the side - it's one of my absolute favourites, and if you didn't know the name, that's shocking - and it stays in time with the scene (if you read it, like, super slowly). Thought I'd drop in the name's origin in there:
"She shook her head again, giving me an incredulous look. ‘Lea, this isn’t pick and choose. You can’t be with one whilst you’re longing for the other.’ She took in a sharp breath. ‘You can’t keep chasing the Browns.’
‘I’m not chasing,’ I whispered. ‘I know who I want.’"
Thank youu for 5k :) This chapter is dedicated to @Daicab03 for being a cool friend :P x
(Sorry for the long author's note; I know people don't really like these things :S)