(I recommend listening to Venus by Sleeping At Last while reading this, because it's what I was listening to while writing and I feel like it fit it okay. Not perfectly, but okay..)
It's been a month since Mon-el left. That was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I wish there was another way to fix our Daxamite problem, without having to send him away. But, there wasn't. And now he's gone and I feel empty and I can't find the motivation to move from my bed but I know I have to, because I have a job I need to attend to and I've already missed more than enough days.
But it hurts so much. And I have no desire to do anything except sleep in his T-shirt and miss him.
I heard Alex proposed to Maggie. As happy as I am for my sister and her girlfriend, I can't bring myself to be around them right now. They have something great and amazing, and every time I've tried to have anything like that it's gone wrong. I envy it, the fact that my sister has found a love so pure with Maggie, and how they love each other so much. I want something like that so bad and I'm not sure where it became something I was so desperate for but I need it. I need that kind of human connection. I want it.
Mon-el made me so happy despite all our petty squabbles and differences. I loved him. Maybe he wasn't perfect, maybe he made mistakes but we all do. He at least tried to be better and I can't deny how proud I am of him for that, even if it was hard. He was better than he once was.
And now he's gone. His book is still lying by the couch, and it will never be finished. All of his clothes are still here and still smell like him. His side of the bed is still unmade and messy. His glasses are on the bedside table. I close my eyes and try to imagine he's right here next to me but I know he's not and nothing hurts worse than knowing he's not.
I'm alone.
I bury my face in his pillow and wrap myself in the blankets, hoping I'll fall asleep forever. It's ridiculous to be so destroyed like this but I loved him and even The Girl of Steel's heartbreaks sometimes, even I need time to heal.
There's a knock at my door and I don't bother to try and think of who could be here this time because I just don't care.
"Kara," I hear them sigh. This voice instantly pulls me out of my bed, pushing off the covers and sauntering towards the front door. They knock again and I speed up a bit.
As soon as I get there I unlock the door and swing it open. Only to feel a pair of arms wrap themselves around me in no time, probably faster than Barry, and hug me tightly. I melt into her touch and bury my face in her shoulder and pull her closer to me even if it isn't possible. We don't say anything and my body shakes as I cry freely and she rubs my back. We stay standing in the door way for a while, just hugging like that.
I feel like she's trying to squeeze all my broken pieces back together. I'm grateful she isn't saying anything. Right now all I need is this embrace. I just need her here.
"I created that device. I'm so sorry I know what this would've done. I knew it wouldn't be pleasant but I had no idea you'd lock yourself in here like this. Kara, please, I'm so sorry." She said in rushed whispers.
"Lena, it's okay. And thank you actually. You saved the world basically. You're my hero." I chuckled lightly and smiled for the first time in days. Someone needed to thank her. It was true, I may be Supergirl but she is my hero. She's so strong and independent and smart, and she's always trying to make the world a better place, and this wasn't the first time Lena has saved the day. And she does it all without any need for a gain. One of the many things I admire about her.
"It's not." Lena murmured, holding me tighter.
I remembered the look she had when speaking to Supergirl. "Did you know Kara Danvers was dating him?" She had narrowed eyes and a beyond annoyed, angry? expression. I couldn't even tell. Lillian wore a smug look. Does Lena hate me? Was that her original reason for not finding a different solution? No, no, she was in a rush. It was the only solution and if given the opportunity I'm sure she would've tried something else.
I pulled away and gripped her by her shoulders, looking her in the eyes. Ha, I thought Kryptonite was the only green thing that made me weak...
"You did what you had to, and you saved the lives of so many people including myself, you did nothing wrong. Yeah, it was a more than painful sacrifice, but it had to be made." I told her softly, my voice cracking.
"Why haven't you talked to anyone, called, anything? Have you any idea how worried I've been that my best friend disappeared without a word? Alex even called and told me you refused to see anyone. She said you barely show up to work or go out. You've talked to her but won't see anyone. You don't socialize and as soon as your work day is done, you come straight here without a word. I'm surprised I was the exception." Her voice wavered and I felt a pang of guilt.
"I didn't mean to worry you. I just needed time to myself is all. I probably should've called, but... I don't know. I don't feel like doing anything. I don't want to eat, I don't want to interact with people," Lena's expression became even more worried.
"You won't eat?! Now I know you're really not okay." She exclaimed.
I couldn't help but laugh. She was being playful as well as serious, I guess I really love food for her to say that, but the playful undertone made my heart hum.
"Whatever." I chuckled, letting go of her shoulders and walking over to my couch. She closed the door and followed me, sitting opposite of me.
I missed the contact with her and scooted closer, laying my head on her shoulder, and wrapping my arms around her torso. Obviously, this was kind of difficult because she had no idea what I was doing at first, but she hooked an arm around me and I settled into her side.
"It hurts so bad, Lena.." I murmured.
"I know." She whispered. I know no matter what I said, she wasn't going to forgive herself. She thinks she deliberately hurt me, and whether she was upset with me before or not, she's trying to help me now. "That's his shirt, isn't it?"
I nodded, and she stifled a giggle. "Why is that funny?" I asked.
"No, it's not, but when you moved your head it tickled." She said, laughing slightly.
Just for kicks, nodded against her ribcage more and she started giggling.
"Kara, stop, please!" She was laughing a bit and poking my side, which tickled me too. I kept giggling the more she did it.
I don't know how but suddenly Lena ended up on top of me and was tickling me furiously and jabbing her fingers into my sides and I couldn't breathe. I didn't even realize she wasn't in her usual clothes, she was so casual today. She wore a light grey hoodie and black leggings and her hair was down, and she wore little to none make up.
Looking into her eyes I felt that humming sensation from my heart, the strings being tugged at and played like a violin, her green eyes made me feel weak and my stomach filled with butterflies.
I didn't notice that she wasn't even tickling me anymore, she was just hovering over me with a small smile and I mirrored her expression.
"I'm happy I got you laughing and smiling." She whispered before pressing her lips to my forehead. She got off of me and settled into the corner seat of my couch, closing her eyes.
I had to take a second to process what just happened. It was probably just an act of being friendly, Alex has kissed my forehead once or twice. But, for some reason it made me grin like an idiot. I settled into her side once more and we just lied there. In silence and no words needed to be said. It wasn't awkward, it was comfortable.
I felt genuinely happy for the first time in days, even though that aching pain was still there. I shivered, it was cold outside today, and raining. My first thought when I woke up was, 'Oh look, a day to reflect how I'm feeling inside.'
Lena noticed and shifted in her spot, pushing me off. I frowned at first but noticed she was sliding off her pullover. She handed it to me with a smile.
"I'm fine." She shrugged. I took it without protest and got up, walking back to my bedroom to retrieve a blanket. Before heading back to her, I slid off Mon-el's shirt, and replaced it with her hoodie. I was surrounded in her familiar scent and I smiled.
I walked back to her, lying in the same position and pulled the blanket over both of us. The TV was playing some movie, and she was fully invested. I just fell asleep in her arms.
I dreamt about him. How it would be if he hadn't had to leave. If he would one day come back. If he would even want me by then. So many different scenarios and memories ran through my head and I felt that pain again.
"Morning." He murmured softly, brushing my hair behind my ear. I woke up to his sleepy smile and twinkling eyes. His hand rested on my cheek. "So, I have some plans for today. Maybe go have a picnic in the park."
"That sounds great." I said, beaming at him. Everything around him glowed and shimmered.
"Great. Well, I'm gonna go shower, you can hop in after. In the mean time, you should probably brush your teeth. Morning breath does not suit you." He joked.
"Yeah, okay. Just kiss me." I chuckled.
"No way, not with that breath." He said, laughing. But he leaned in anyway, and pressed his lips against mine. We both smiled into it.
I felt a pair of hands wipe my cheeks, and Mon-el faded away. My eyes fluttered open and my brows scrunched together. Lena's hands cupped my face and she wore a sad look.
"You were crying in your sleep." She explained with a frown.
"Oh." I muttered. More tears streamed down, I just couldn't help it. I miss him so much and nothing is going to change that right now.
Lena sighed. "I know you're going to miss him for a while.. And you are definitely not going to appreciate what I'm about to say but, maybe it's good that he's gone. Before you say anything, you were so reliant on him, Kara. It's okay to rely on someone, but it shouldn't feel like you have nothing to live for once they're gone. It's good to allow someone to make you happy, but not for your happiness to depend on them and them only. People come and people go. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't hurt because of his absence, it's expected to hurt and to miss him. However, I am saying that maybe now you'll learn to allow yourself to just be happy, instead of needing a person to be. I've had to learn that the hard way. I want more than anything to just see that smile back on your face. It kills me to see you like this. You took care of me during my mourning of Jack, and now I'm here for you. We take care of each other, okay? That's what friends are for. You look after me, and I look after you. Always."
I took a moment to take that in, chew on it. One of my first thoughts was to spit it out and yell how dare she say those things. But, my gut instinct knew she was right. She's only looking out for me. And while this life is difficult, she's right, it's not healthy for me to latch onto a person for happiness. Where was that contempt I felt when I first came out as Supergirl, I was happy because I was finally me, smiling because I found who I was and didn't need any person to be that.
And now it feels like since Mon-el is gone, so was I. He took a part of my heart, and who I was with him and it left a hole in me. But, that didn't mean I wasn't still Supergirl, didn't mean that I wasn't still Kara Danvers. I miss him and he was a majority of my happiness, but hey, potstickers during a Harry Potter marathon in the middle of the night still make me happy too.
I let out a breath. "You're right.. Thank you." I gave her a lopsided grin, which she returned with a bright smile. Her green eyes lit up and I felt fireworks. I didn't even try to decipher what it meant I just went in for a hug. "Thank you." I whispered.
"Always." She replied.
I sat up and we were face to face. She quirked an eyebrow and wore a curious smirk and I just smiled. I don't know what I was doing or what it meant, but I closed my eyes and leaned in.
As soon as our lips met everything inside of me went insane; my heart pounded against my chest, eager to reach hers, that humming sensation maximized, butterflies turned into airplanes colliding in my stomach, my head spun and my lung weren't prepared for this but there was no way I was coming up for air.
This had nothing to do with needing to just connect, there was already a connection there. Maybe this was too quick, maybe I'm moving on too fast, but she's always been there in the back of my mind and center of my heart. I'm not using her to move on, I swear, I just want her. And of all times it's surfacing now. There was plenty of times where it felt stronger than just friends. When I was comforting her because Jack was gone, I almost kissed her forehead but I felt of might've been too much or awkward, during that dinner with Jack it wasn't just protecting her, I didn't want her there with him. 'That's what friends are for,' that's what jealousy looked like. He said something cute and romantic and I wanted to physically gag. She's my best friend and but she's also more. Every dinner we've had, every lunch date, every time we've went on walks or just spent time together I felt the same thing I felt with Mon-el.
I loved him so much, and I miss him incredibly. But, I look at Lena and I feel like me again. I feel like Kara Danvers. The woman who loves food more than anything and is awkward all the damn time, and the love of making the world a better and safer place. I feel like I'm flying and I feel smiley and my heart races when I'm near her and I stumble over my words and I can't help the way she makes me feel.
She didn't pull away like I thought she would, she only kissed me just as passionately, if not more. But, she did eventually.
"Kara.. You're not in the right headspace.. You're still hurting.." She said, not once looking me in the eye.
"You aren't a rebound if that's what you're thinking. I swear. Okay? You are so much more than that, I'm only now seeing it. Please, believe me." I told her with sincerity. She isn't, and I can't explain what I'm feeling in a way to change how anyone sees that, but I've felt like this since day one. Maybe Mon-el leaving was the window of opportunity, so I can finally admit how I feel.. I cared about them both.. But, it's always been stronger with Lena...
That same feeling I felt with anyone I liked, I felt with her. But, I denied it. I have believed I was straight up until now and a label on my sexuality doesn't matter. All that matters is that I'm acting upon my feelings, finally.
"Would you have kissed me if Mon-el never left?" She asked, still not looking at me.
"That's a difficult question and you know it. Of course not. Because without him gone, I would still be with him. Therefore I wouldn't kiss anyone but him. You know that. But it doesn't change the fact that I've felt like this for a while." That wasn't a fair question.
"If you had never been with Mon-el, would you have still acted upon these feelings?" She asked. And I knew she was scared of trusting something when everything went against it, it's happened to her so many times. I just wish she'd trust me.
"Eventually. It was hard enough to come to terms with as it is, but now that I have.. Just can we at least see where it goes?" I can't make her understand that she isn't just a rebound, and I can't make her believe I've had these feelings for a while, but I can just try.
"Kara.." She started, her eyes finally meeting mine and what I saw in them, made my heart drop.
It was like she was made of glass and I could see everything inside, all of the hurt and anger and fear, just bottled up. How damaged she was and how hard she was trying to hold on, how she really is trying to believe me. I could see that little girl version of herself, so innocent and pure, being broken by feeling less than good enough, and crying in a dark corner, wanting the monsters to go away. I could see little Lena, clutching her teddy bear to her chest as her little body shook and she sobbed, because things were hard and she didn't know what to believe or who to trust.
I held her hand, and looked at those emerald eyes and I sighed. Nothing has been easy for Lena. It started as a mother who belittled her and emotionally abused her, then to being categorized as evil because of her last name and losing the only person she could call family, and her mother coming back and repeating everything but worse. It was like a never ending Hell for her, and she was still trying. I felt horrible we never gave her recognition for the good she's done, she's only trying to make this place better too. And she's never gotten a thank you or anything.
"Trust me." I said those two words firmly. I want her to know I'm not like everyone else. I'm here to protect her and be here for her. Not hurt her, ever. This is my best friend, I said no lies when I told her I cared about her.
She sat for a moment, studying me. I could tell she was contemplating if I was being truthful or not. As much as she did trust me, it was still hard; and I understood that.
"Okay." Was all she said before swinging her arms around my neck and pulling me close. I hugged her tight, trying not to use my strength and accidentally hurt her like I've done to Alex so many times before. I felt little droplets on my shoulder, and I frowned. I didn't even realize she was crying.
That made me think. How many times has this woman cried, to the point where she was able to make it seem like she wasn't at all? No sound, her body didn't shake or tremble, her breaths weren't sharp or uneven. And then I thought about, how long has she felt like this too? She watched me be with Mon-el, happy and she was happy for me too. No matter how much it might've killed her inside. She invited him with me to her gala at L-Corp, and even to a couple lunch dates, which I never allowed, but she was so nice to him. She even came here to comfort me over my loss of him, and never once tried making a move or brought up that she had feelings for me like this. I felt utterly terrible. But, I couldn't dwell on that right now. It happened, and I can't change that. I can only make things better for her as we go.
I knew that this was going to be the start of both of our healing. I'm grateful we could do it together.
I feel like this oneshot is nothing but shit but okay. And it has a mix of Karamel and Supercorp because as much as I dislike him and the ship, I respect those who ship it and wanted to show how I feel like things would look. I do think she was too reliant on him, that's my thought. I was the same way, until I realized it's okay for a person to make you happy, but don't let it depend on them. What are you supposed to do when they're gone? I started a month later because I feel like that's enough time for her to be mending herself as well as realizing that she looks at Lena in a way that she used to look at Mon-el. There's no hetero explanation for it so don't try me. I hope that now that he's gone, she can go back to how she was in the first season. Happy as she was, and when someone came along and made her happy, they just added to it. I don't think she needs a love interest every season, I want to see her be her own hero and show little girls how powerful they can be, instead of saying, 'Yeah but even hero's need a boyfriend, can't be without one.' Like, I enjoyed seeing her not needing a man or anything like that. Idk how to make it understandable.. I suck at explaining shit. Anyway, I hope this was good. Thank you all for reading, voting, and commenting. Love you❤❤❤💜💜💜💜💜
DMS are always open if you need. ❤