After I gracefully climb into Will's car with his help - I use gracefully lightly - we're off before I know it. I can feel the need to have a conversation with him, but it has to wait. The right moment will present itself, I'm sure.
"Where should we go?" Will asks and I immediately know the answer. I give him the directions of where to go, which ends up only being ten minutes from the hospital.
A dirt road with tall cedar trees lining each side leads up to an open space. If we stayed where we are now, we'd think the open space was just a flat and vast field. But as we make our way over, me on my crutches and Will beside me watching me carefully, we see that it's a ledge. Rocks jut out from the side of it, leading all the way down to the water.
It's getting colder, and by the channel of water, it's even colder. After arguing with me that I shouldn't be out here because it's so cold and me winning with my argument that I can take it, Will helps me to sit down on a flat rock big enough for both of us.
"Sit," I tell him, patting the rock beside me. He sits and we stare out at the other side of the channel.
I prop my hurt foot up on another rock and lean back on my hands, but I'm already freezing. Will runs back to his car to find an old blanket, one that looks like it had been through Hurricane Katrina. Nonetheless, I wrap the blanket around both our shoulders and we sit closer together.
I'm well aware of his body pressed against mine in the moment and try to think of what we need to say. What words are supposed to help us come out of this stage? What stage are we even in?
I don't have to think of it first because he finally pipes up.
"What do you wanna do after high school?" He asks me completely out of the blue. I watch the water for a little while, trying to figure out what the answer should be.
A doctor? No, I don't trust myself with someone else's life. A vet? That poor animal. A clothing designer? Those poor, unfashionable people. A lawyer? I don't think I could be convincing enough.
After a long silence, I finally answer. "I... I don't really know." The breath released from my mouth looks like smoke. "It's not like I haven't thought about it, but... nothing really catches my eye."
Will pulls his knees up and rests his elbows on them. "I remember when you wanted to be a race car driver. You were so set on it that we had to build a little one made out of cardboard and powered by your bicycle. Then we had to race down the road."
We both start laughing about that. The things a fourteen-year-old girl thought of. Actually, it was out of the ordinary for my age. But I'm Jessa Ackerman, what do you expect?
"Too bad things aren't that simple anymore," I say, pulling one knee to my chest.
"Yeah, I know," Will agrees. "When we were kids we could just say we wanted to be astronauts and boom, we were astronauts."
I smile at the thought of how simple things were. When I glance at Will out of the corner of my eye, I feel the overwhelming urge to make sure he accomplishes his dreams. The smile never leaves my face.
"What about you?" I ask, watching him as his eyebrows furry and that look of confusion makes his eyes shine. It sounds so weird until you see it for yourself.
"Me?" He asks casually.
"No that tree," I say sarcastically and nod to a nearby pine. "Yes you, what do you want to be?" I giggle as he shoves me easily, not wanting me to fall off the rock and hurt myself. I've been pretty good at hurting myself lately.
"You're gonna laugh but..." he tugs on the beanie he has on his head. "I want to be a police officer."
I stare at him for a second, my mouth purposefully agape. "What? You're serious? You, of all people, want to be a cop?"
Will chuckles but I can tell it's forced. "Yes, the kid who's been sent to military school because he was so misbehaved and got arrested a couple times wants to be a cop. Surprise!"
A light breeze pushes past us and I pull the hood of my sweatshirt over my head. "First of all, a couple times?"
"Okay, a few more than a couple times," he corrects.
I chuckle. "Second of all, what made you decide that?"
"I don't know, I think the authority they have sparks something, you know?" I nod my head. "They have the power to make a difference. I'd like to do that, at least just once. And don't you tell anyone I said that."
I can't help but grin at him, feeling my heartbeat pick up a little. "You've already made a difference in some people's lives, Will." His cheeks grow rosy, but he still smiles and looks out at the view in front of us.
I try to look away, but the way he looks right now - happy, calm, relaxed - looks so different from how he looked when he walked into my hospital room. He turns to look at me too and neither of us look away for a few seconds. The both of us are smiling like idiots.
I don't want to ruin the moment, but I can feel my brain working against me. "I wish I had everything figured out. As of right now, is just like to travel the world. See things for myself. Experience the world before real life smacks me in the face.
"I know it sounds stupid, but that's what I want to do. Mom and Dad might never understand that, though. In their eyes, I'd be stupid to take a year off school to explore. They have two perfect daughters that have their lives together, well, mostly. I know I'm the dud of the family, but I think I'm ready to embrace that. Does that sound crazy?"
Will stares at me as if he's shocked I just said all that. "How could you call yourself a dud? You're the most... outspoken, charismatic, kind person I've ever met. I think that if taking time off and exploring the world is what you want to do, then you should do it."
I'm not sure what to say, so the only thing that comes out of my mouth is "thank you". It's hard to believe that a month ago I wouldn't be able to imagine myself telling him thank you.
"Jess," Will says, drawing my attention back to him. "I just want you to be happy."
I have the feeling he isn't just talking about my future career, but also my relationship with him. If there is one.
"I want you to be happy too," I reply. And for the first time, I realize how true my words are. I think that finally, since everything fell apart, I've finally forgiven him.
He suddenly turns serious, turning his body to me and taking the blanket from his shoulders to wrap completely around me.
"If I'm going to be happy, then I need to say something." I feel myself tense up at what he could say. "Today I got into another fight with Connor. I punched him and he didn't hit me back, so I got kicked out for three days."
I try to interject, to explain that I'm sorry that Connor won't just leave him alone, but he holds his hand up and continues. "Listen before you lecture me, okay? I did it because he doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut. He shouldn't have touched you, and he shouldn't keep acting like a prick about it.
"He didn't deserve your heart, Jess. He didn't deserve your mind and your soul. I k ow I didn't either and I probably still don't but... I try to get over it, Jessa, I really do. But I can't. I can't get over the fact that I'm still in love with you."
The way he says it, with so much force and anger and meaning. His vulnerability makes him seem so much younger, like I'm back in the moment he first told me he loved me.
I can't help but just stare at him, trying to find the right words. But it doesn't take me long to realize that there aren't any.
"Will..." I trail off, placing one hand on his cheek to turn his head toward me. I want to say something, to make him understand that I feel the same. I've tried so hard to ditch the feelings I had for him so long ago, but they've never left.
I suddenly find myself with both hands on either side of his face. We both lean in and meet each other in the middle, our lips colliding in something that makes my stomach do flips.
I can't believe what I'm doing, but then again I can. It feels... right.
"Wait..." Will says, pushing me back just enough so there's a centimeter of space between our lips. "I can't do this without telling you everything. I know it's not my secret to tell but... I trust you. With my whole heart. And you need to know."
I remain quiet as he begins to explain what happened the night everything fell apart.
He starts with how he got to the dock. He decided to go for a late night ride on his skateboard and he was just led to the docks. He doesn't know why, but he was. It was like God was leading him there.
When he got there, he saw the lights on in the boat. He could hear loud talking, some of it sounded like foul play, but he couldn't be sure. He starts to ride away when he hears it - a scream. Without a second thought he ran to the boat, holding onto his skateboard but dropping it before climbing onto the boat.
Will stresses to me about how scary these screams were - it was like someone was trying to kill this girl. He finds a girl, lying on her back on the couch in the boat, and a guy, standing over her as he tries to undress her and himself.
The only thing registering in Will's mind is that he needs to help her. She kept yelling for someone to help her and he had to do something. He grabbed the guy and shoved him back, they got into it and somehow - he can't remember - the stove caught fire. The fire department said it was something with faulty wiring. As soon as the smoke began to fill up the room and they realized it was a fire, the other boy ran out.
I can tell throughout his storytelling that Will knows who the other guy is, but he won't tell me.
"I couldn't find the fire extinguisher anywhere with the smoke blinding me. But the girl was just laying there, crying herself senseless. I couldn't just leave her there." He can't look at me as he talks, telling me in detail about the events of that night.
"So, I grabbed her and carried her out the boat. I didn't know who she was or where to take her. I just panicked. So I took her to my house. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea and you'd be so mad at me, but I didn't know what to do."
I want to give him several ideas of where he could have taken her, but besides the fact that it would be pointless now, I don't think that's what he needs to hear.
"I got her there and I got her to calm down. Then you walked in, probably because I hadn't talked to you practically all day and you had no idea what was going on. She had been thanking me and telling me what had happened, and she was still a little buzzed, so she kissed me. And then you came in, and all hell broke loose."
I feel my heart giving out in that moment. I reacted with so much anger, so much jealousy and insecurity. I never took the time to figure out the real story, the one that would have changed everything for us.
"After you left, I took this emotionally unstable, crazy girl home. Her uncle is Silas, the guy who didn't have us arrested the other day you and I were at the dock. Turns out the cops were on the scene. I showed up with his niece and my skateboard happened to still be right outside the boat so... I was arrested.
"When I came home this year, the first thing I did was go back to see Silas. I explained myself, but he already knew. He apologized, too, and gave me a key to his other boat as long as I helped him fix up his burnt one. I know I didn't burn it down - purposefully - but I still wanted to help. And now we're here."
Will finally looks up at me when he's finished telling his story. His eyes are glossy, but not enough to know he could've been crying.
"I left to go to military school without telling you goodbye because I didn't think you'd want to see me, Jessa. I didn't think you could forgive me. Because at that time in my life, I just felt like... like I was this kid with no future who was only going to make people's lives worse for them. So I just left. No argument. No fighting to stay. I just obeyed for the first time in my life."
I reach for his hand and pull it to my mouth, kissing it once lightly. "I forgave you the moment I found out you left, which was too late. If I would've known all that..."
"You couldn't have. I would've reacted the same way, Jess," Will says, intertwining our fingers together.
"I'm sorry that happened to you. I'm so, so sorry." I press my forehead to his and squeeze my eyes shut, like it would help everything go away.
I feel his hand on my cheek and I open my eyes to have his staring right back at me. "Don't be. Who knows where I'd be right now if that stuff wouldn't have happened. The only thing I regret is not killing... that guy... for what he did."
"Who was it, Will?" I ask him, needing to know. Who would be so awful to let all of that happen; to do something so wrong and disgusting to a girl and to let someone else take the blame for all the damage.
He moves away from me and looks out at the ledge. I can tell he's fighting with something, maybe the good and the bad. He's trying to fight the good fight.
"Will," I say softly, trying to get him to spit it out.
"Jessa... you don't want to know."
"Why not?"
"Because it was Connor."
_____________
So, how are you feeling about this new information?
The song for this chapter is Inner Demons by Julia Brennan.
Sorry for a long awaited update... I hope to get back on track with them soon! Believe it or not I actually wrote this chapter in one night. Even though it took me an extra week or two to update??? Yeah I don't understand me either.
So I have an important question. If I started a blog, one where it had my personal advice, things about my stories, and other fun things (such as my real-life photography and my art work) would you look at it? It's just a thought right now, but let me k ow what you think!
"Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses."
1 Timothy 6:12