| jae min |
--
two weeks.
it took two weeks before i had the courage to become more than i am. two weeks since i got namjoon's number. two weeks since i felt normal.
it all went too fast. we talked about many random, small things. nothing too personal, which i find comfort in. and he gives me my space whereas i give him his. well, up until recently, his texts become more frequent, more personal. i had no idea how to respond.
♡
《k.namjoon 《
do you think we could meet up at the same coffee shop we first met?
i have something to discuss with you.
》jae.min》
sure i guess. tomorrow good?
《k.namjoon 《
yeah
♡
i felt anxious. negative thoughts clouded my mind and my judgment. at first, i thought he was angry so that night, i cried myself to sleep. i dont know why i would think hes angry, but my anxiety surely had provoked my frail mind. it was around three in the morning before i settled comfortably under my covers, my tear stained face locked into a restless slumber.
the next morning, i did not want to get up. i wanted to lie there forever, not see people. i could move out of the country for good and people would not go look for me. i had nothing going on, but a noise came from my phone. i looked at it and there were many messages from my social network accounts.
it was a lot of feedback from various rumours that sprung up and developed over the past two weeks. it had died down just a tad bit but it was another rumour that got me to curl up on my bed.
"bts's kim namjoon is rumoured to have a secret girlfriend and that girlfriend is rumoured to be im jae min." - allkpop
it was silly to believe such rumours, especially from allkpop, but i was gullible and naive. i had several messages that i dared not to look. i had many people tweeting at me and several thousand people followed me.
i hyperventilated.
after several minutes, i went and got ready for the day.
it was nearing noon. with my hair brushed out of my unruly face and put up into a high ponytail, i slowly made my way out of the apartment complex. i was greeted with the chilling summer breeze. goosebumps lined the spine on my back reaching from down to my buttocks to the nape of my neck. something bad was going to happen, i could feel it.
the walk to the coffee shop felt a lot longer than usual. the sun above me felt like it judged me in every single way. the harsh rays beat down onto my olive skin. it was a good thing i remembered to take my sunglasses with me otherwise the day would be even worse than it already was.
i finally made it to the shop, slowly entering. it was quiet inside. only employees were in there. i saw the manager and he gave me a look i did not recognize. pity? i dont know. i went to my usual spot, one that ive always sat in for the past 4 years. anxiety soon pooled in, and ive tried to keep it at bay by people watching. it helped somewhat. after a few minutes, i received a message.
♡
《kim namjoon 《
are you at the coffee shop now?
》im jaemin 》
yes
just got here actually
《kim namjoon 《
im on my way
♡
i placed my phone away, my heartbeat racing like a speedway. it only took a few minutes for kim namjoon to appear before me. he gave me a small smile, which i returned with my awkward one. he sat in front of me, like he did a couple weeks ago. it felt nice to be near him again, but it was a weird feeling to have him here all by myself. i felt like i was spinning and there seemed to be now way of stopping.
i cleared my throat.
"so. . uh," i began, my throat unable to form complete, coherent sentences. "wh-what brings you. . uh. . here?" my cheeks flared - i could feel it. he never broke eye contact with me, instead he just smiled again, but it was more of a sad one. maybe an anxious one. god, i dont know.
"actually i was thinking if youd like to accompany me to meet the other members and my manager?" my eyes widened at that strange request. usually, this never happens to any normal passerby, let alone a fan. he must be insane. and from his body language, he clearly read my discomfort. it was pretty clear on my face. "i promise, nothing bad will happen." he stood up from his seating position and held out his hand for me to take. "there are just some things that needed to be discussed in person there rather than having me deliver a message."
he seemed genuine, hell, he even looks genuine. i dont think i had any choice in the matter so i grabbed his hand and allowed him to lead me to big hit entertainment. we drove there, obviously because it was on the other side of seoul. once we got there, we went through a couple of hallways and passed by several doors until we reached the summit.
i was nervous. my palms began to perspirate. my heart thumped loudly in my throat. my head felt like it was going to fall off from being so light-headed. then i let out a breath that i forgot i held when he opened the door and motioned for me to follow. i did as told.
in front of me was a large desk and an older-looking man sat, looking through papers. he looked busy and intelligent. upon hearing the door open, he glanced up and his lips formed a straight line. he motioned for us to take a seat in front of his desk. we did so after namjoon closed the door behind him. once we both got comfortable, the man before us began to speak.
"so, you must be the infamous im jae min, am i correct?" his voice sounded stern. "i am the manager of 방탄손연단 (bangtan sonyeondan) i would like to discuss a few things with you, if you don't mind." i gulped. he sounded so strict it was scary.
"y-yes, sir. an-anything you would-would like t-to know?" i began to fidget with the hem of my blouse. a nervous habit of mine. i caught a glimpse of namjoon sneaking a peak in my direction but i ignored it.
"yes, i would like to discuss a possible interview with you to the press later this evening? the rumors have only begun to spread and get worse and i would like to clear this as much as possible so there would be little conflicts with my boys."
i knew something like this would happen. why did i get out of my apartment? why did i even go to the coffee shop? my mind was filling itself with self-doubt and insecurities that i didnt notice the pleading looks from the both of them. i looked up to the both of them to notice their stares. i let out another gulp and nodded my head slowly, not trusting my own voice. the manager guy gave a small smile. i didn't quite catch his name, which was stupid of me.
the three of us stood up and we shook hands. he instructed namjoon to take me down to the room where i will be holding a press conference with him. my nerves took over again and my heart pounded loudly in my chest.
we took the elevator down to a floor. every second felt like a year.
"youll be fine." namjoon began. "just be honest and be yourself. i have faith that youll be able to convince the press that there is nothing between us, other than friendship."
friendship
its inevitable. impossible. far away. i knew kindling relationships was way out of my league. i should be happy that he at least kept it in the friendship level, but why was my heart hurting so much at this? did he not feel anything in the past few weeks we have been talking? or was it too quick to judge even our relationship? or maybe. . . what we have is strictly a fan-idol relationship? whatever it may be, my heart yearned for more.
we stepped through a set of double doors and we both were greeted by flashing of lights and the chatter of mixed voices. as we sat ourselves at a long table, we faced the crowd of journalists. body guards stood all around the room, doing their job in maintaining the peace of the room. no chaos had been witnessed nor created.
i turned my head to namjoon, my eyes filled with fear. he turned back to me and gave me a nod of encouragement. i took in a deep breath and looked back at the crowd. several men and women had their hands raised. i pointed to a woman in the front row, right in front of me.
"is it true, im jae min, that you are dating rap monster of bts?" i bit my lip, nervous to stutter in front of others because they look at it as a sign of hesitation and lack of truth. nonetheless i opened my mouth to speak, putting on a business-like persona i always use for work.
"on the contrary, actually," i began, voice strong and filled with empty confidence. " what namjoon-oppa and i have is strictly friendly and formal. i am sorry if me being his friend upsets armys worldwide." from the corner of my eyes, i can see namjoon widen his eyes, probably shocked at my new self that comes out. well, he has never seen this side of me except when i asked him so many damn questions that one day.
the room filled with chatter and namjoon answered a few of their questions while i answered a few others. it was time for a final question. i picked the guy in the third row.
"you say youre friends now, but if this continues, how will you know your relationship wouldnt be platonic?" i broke from my work-persona and opened my mouth out of nervousness.
"i-i. ."
"we will remain as friends, even if our feelings for each other has gone to another level." namjoon cut me off, and i was grateful for that. i would have made a fool out of myself and i think he understood my discomfort.
soon, it was over. i felt exhausted from that. i wanted to go home and sleep, but before i could even step out of the building, namjoon called for me.
"hey, jae min. let me treat you to dinner." i blushed. though it was a friendly gesture, i couldnt help but have different thoughts. i reluctantly agreed, knowing it to be rude to decline an offer like free food. but also to pass up the offer to eat with your bias? im afraid that wont happen. he nodded and a small smile appeared on his face. he lead us to a nearby korean barbecue, my favorite.
we spent that evening talking and eating and i completely forgot about the distress i will receive in the future ahead of me. right now, i felt comfortable.
i felt safe