The lack of options to run to only made Lauren panic more. She couldn't go home even though her instinct told her to. She couldn't go to Camila's, though if she were being honest she had no clue why. Camila was the only thing in her life that made any sense anymore. Those brown eyes brought a clarity that Lauren Jauregui would never understand. It seemed the more she tried to flee the more trapped she became. It was rather eye-opening to her, seeing how little friends she had at this point and time. No one to turn to in crisis except one. One perfectly amazing human being and Lauren was being far too stubborn to just go to her.
What was she so afraid of? Camila knew so much about her already, they had gotten close in a way that the Cuban had refused everyone else all her life. So what on Earth would be so bad about clinging to Camila?
Deep down Lauren knew. She knew it would be a mixture of fear; fear of losing Camila due to some odd twist of events or even just Lauren fucking up as always. Then there were her eyes. Camila's deep brown eyes looking at Lauren as if she'd been betrayed, Lauren could hear the question before she even imagined Camila's face. Why didn't you just tell me? Lauren sighed deeply at the tone her mind imagined, the hurt she created.
Her feet dangled as she sat backwards on the bleachers opposite of the school. These were much smaller than the "home" bleachers, but McKinley didn't have the budget to add more with the Cheerios stealing money whenever they could. It was probably one of the biggest issues ignored at the school, and it only reminded Lauren of her home life. If you ignore the big issues they cease to exist. Maybe it was a stretch, but Lauren rather liked that she found something to compare her life to.
Green eyes searched out in front of her, as if the thick shrubbery and lone road would give her any answers. The silence that she was surrounded with was actually kind of peaceful, and for the first time in a long time Lauren was feeling sad because of what people thought about her, and not about Taylor. It was actually incredibly twisted, but Lauren still smiled. Small but there. Only the corners of her lips lifted, and her arms that rested on the metal bar before her seemed less...foreign? Because that's what she had felt earlier; foreign in her own body. As if she didn't fit there, it wasn't her life she could be living. Because how on earth was one person's life this hard? God gave everyone what he thought they could handle, clearly he was putting far too much stock in Lauren Jauregui.
She more felt the company of someone behind, then she heard it. Had she not been lost in the greenery and street before her she would have heard it easily, this set of bleachers not exactly the most secure. "So this is where you ran off to." Shawn's voice called as he sat heavily next to her.
She had to admit, this was a surprise. The two hadn't talked much this year, in fact, Lauren was pretty sure she'd never actually spoken to him since he joined Glee club. "I wondered since I saw that Camila was still sitting at the front of the school," he continued, looking out at the same scene she was. A part of Lauren wondered if he saw the same thing she was as he looked out. Did he see the serenity behind the abandoned road and wild bushes? "You should probably let her know you're okay. She said she wasn't leaving until she saw you, it was quite dramatic with her stomped foot and all."
It took Lauren a moment to realize that Shawn's conversation was completely one-sided. And still she could only manage a small sentence of, "I'll be sure to do that."
Silence encased the two, Lauren wondering if Shawn was going to stay until she actually did go and see Camila and Shawn working up the courage to tell Lauren his own secret. Whether it would help or not was beyond him, he didn't know Lauren like some of the other kids here did but it was worth a shot if it meant helping out when needed.
"I had a cousin once," he started awkwardly, never taking his eyes off the scene before him. "He was a jock, it runs in the family." With a shrug Shawn smiled playfully, knowing Lauren wouldn't interrupt him. She just didn't seem like the type to talk much when she was hurting if his only experience with her said anything. "Anyways, he had everything I could have wanted. Anyone could have wanted really; scholarships, scouts looking at him, money, and a pretty face to top it all off. Not to mention a smoking girlfriend," Keeping his tone light, Shawn sent Lauren a sideways glance, curious to know her expression and not at all surprised to see it so sculpted. "But I guess there wasn't something right for him, or he wasn't telling us everything because well...like I said...I had a cousin once."
Lauren twitched slightly, feeling her numbing ammunition in her stone cold gaze wearing off. It was weird, to have someone else talk to her about this. It was always her own mind tormenting her at night, always fighting her on a night's sleep without a nightmare. Turning she saw Shawn's ears turning red and the very tip of his nose going pink. He was about to cry...entirely uncommon for a boy. At least uncommon for the boys Lauren knew. "I just...if you need anyone that can relate kind of...you have someone now," his sudden movement caused Lauren to jump and finally turn to him fully. He was digging in his pocket for something, and pulled out a pen.
Rough calloused fingers grabbed Lauren's wrist, and that pen was used to write a seven digit number on her palm. "You don't have to use it, but if you want to it's there." His charming smile brought one of Lauren's own weak ones to appear, and soon he stood up to walk away, of course not before reminding Lauren of Camila.
Oddly the reminder got Lauren to chuckle. The thought of Camila pouting at the front steps like a child whose parents had forgotten her bringing an odd joy to her. "She's more stubborn than me sometimes," Lauren sighed, looking out at the field for a moment. The very field she once considered her lifeline. That field was her stage, the Cheerios were her gateway out of this town, and now Lauren wasn't sure she'd ever escape. What if her father was right? What if she wouldn't amount to anything?
"Shawn," Lauren called out quickly, twisting her body to face his departing frame as best she could. "Would you mind asking her to come to me? I don't...I like it here."
"Sure thing," he answered with a small smile, the tears having been fought back in the short time he'd gotten up.
"Thank you."
"Any time, Lauren."
The light chirping of birds sang out like music, different pitches and distances from her. For once she didn't feel the weight of the world suffocating the air around her, instead she felt like herself. Like she did when she was pregnant; sad yet calm and oddly content. Her walls were down, and it wasn't as scary as she thought it would be. Even as she heart Camila's hesitant steps behind her.
Lauren turned with a sad smile, finally standing on her weak legs to face her knight. "Camila," she nearly breathed, shoulders relaxing at just the sight of the girl. Why had she been so afraid to go to this girl before?
"Lauren."
"Hi."
Camila didn't respond, instead she allowed a silence to fall over the two, and Lauren appreciated the moment. She appreciated the cool winds that swirled around the two of them, and even appreciated the distance between the two. Physical distance didn't matter any longer, she knew that emotionally she was clinging to the girl before her; she loved the girl before her. In what sense she wasn't exactly sure of yet, but she wasn't going to focus on that right now, there was enough on her plate. "Can we go lay on the grass?" Lauren watched as Camila's brows pinched together in disgust at the thought of sitting on the bug infested ground, much less lay on it. "You can use my jacket to lay your head on." Increasingly Lauren was beginning to realize how one-sided this conversation was getting, and panic was only now starting to settle inside her.
Did Camila not want to be around someone with so much baggage? Was she finally seeing how messed up Lauren's family was? How messed up she was? "Or...if you just wanted to make sure I was okay you could go home," Lauren continued, her eyes falling to the steel floor beneath them, creaking as she shifted her weight from one side to another.
The silence was killing Lauren, not knowing what Camila was thinking, only seeing the studied features. As if Camila was analyzing absolutely every piece of Lauren, another unnerving thing to the blonde.
"II think I'm just gonna go...I'll see you tomorrow, Camila." Her words rushed as she walked past the singer, stopping only when she felt a smooth hand grapple her wrist.
Brown eyes flicked between green, still studying and wondering what on Earth was going to happen and what Lauren was feeling. But still Camila couldn't find her words. She couldn't find any way of speaking to the girl before her. Because it wasn't humanly possible for one human being to be this strong. It simply wasn't possible.
Camila began to lead the way onto the field, still not speaking because she was simply too dumbfounded to say anything. "We don't have to. You don't want to and I should probably...do something. Go somewhere." Camila knew there wasn't an actual "where" Lauren would go. She'd just find another peaceful area to think too much on.
Slowly the two sat, right in the middle of the field, ignoring the two students that were currently occupying the track. And now Lauren was realizing how unnecessary words were, much like she realized that physical distance didn't mean anything. Camila was here speaking wonders by just being there. She was telling Lauren all Lauren ever needed to know. Camila wasn't going anywhere, no matter how much of the bad that she saw in Lauren's life, she was still there.
For the first time, Lauren didn't fight the tears that were coming down her cheeks. And even better, she was recognizing them as tears of joy. Her fingers grasped onto Camila's shirt for dear life as her silent tears fell, and the real healing finally began.