2014 Copyright All Rights Reserved
Unedited, first draft
Chapter Twenty-One
Week Six
Tuesday
"I think I need to share my story this week." I told Doctor Harris. I felt it was the right time after hearing Griffin's. It was the perfect chance to share my life with him and he had to listen.
"What made you decide that?" She crossed her legs.
I swallowed and didn't tell her the full truth, "The sooner I get it done, the better. My anxiety about it happening is building and building. I want to do it to stop feeling the stress from it."
"You can write it down the way the others did, there's nothing wrong with that."
I nodded, "I may have to do that, I can't just talk about it."
"That's great news then. You should start brainstorming what to say when you go home today."
I did just that, Kirsten came over and helped me write exactly what I was planning on saying to make things a lot easier for me. I practiced reading it to her, before I was content with what I was going to say.
"How does it sound?" I asked her.
"Like you're dealing with some serious shit in your head, buttercup." Kirsten retorted with sadness.
Thursday
I was on the bridge of having a panic attack. I was sweating, shaking, and my heart was beating so fast in my chest I thought it would beat right out of my body.
"Deep breaths, you'll be okay," Chanel reminded me and rubbed a soothing hand on my shoulder. "If you want, I can sit across from you so you can talk to me the entire time."
"Actually, that might be a great idea." I smiled at her and she sat across from me with giving me thumbs up. I ignored Griffin and Doctor Harris informed the group I would be speaking. I read directly from my paper. I avoided eye contact with Griffin and instead focused on talking to Chanel. It was a lot easier than I original thought it was. She continuously gave me reassuring smiles to let me know I was doing fine.
Before I knew it, my story was over, the group dispersed and Chanel was giving me a hug. "You did great."
"Could you tell that I was nervous and that I was shaking?" I asked.
She shook her head, "Actually you would have never known you were nervous at all."
"Well that's good." I smiled at her, "Unfortunately though, I'm sweating profusely and need to apply some deodorant."
"At least that's the least of your worries when you talk in group." She laughed.
"Thank you, that was really helpful." I slumped my shoulders in gratitude and relief.
"Anytime." She smiled, "I'll see you next week!" She told me and grabbed her coat.
Before I put on my coat, the girl with the bandana around her head came and gave me a good squeeze. She didn't say much, but the hug was enough to know she was lending me her understanding and comfort.
Once I saw Griffin leading up the wall of the building, I rolled my eyes. He put out his cigarette immediately and stepped into pace with me. I decided not to say anything and just keep walking to my car, but he stepped in front of me and I was forced to stop.
"What?" I said with a bit of an attitude.
"Someone's in a mood today," He challenged.
"What do you want?" I exasperated. "I want to go home. I don't want to deal with your bipolar behavior that will potentially give me whiplash." I deadpanned and stepped around him to walk to my car.
He grabbed my arm gently and I had to stop again. "I'm sorry, okay?"
I turned and stared at him, "for what?"
"For acting bipolar with you. It's really fucking hard to stay away from you, especially since I see you every week."
"Make up your mind!" I said with frustration and stomped my foot. "Either stay away from me or don't, but figure it out!"
He made some weird frustrated noise, "Fine!" He stared at me and it seemed as if his eyes darkened. "I need you."
"Okay... what are you saying?" I asked confused.
He puffed out his cheeks and let them go, "It means I'm desperate for help."
"My help?" I asked, still confused. First, he needs me, now he needs my help? This man was the most confusing man I had ever dealt with.
"Yeah, I...I need someone to count on to be there when I need to stop." I shook my head about to say something when he pulled up his sleeve to reveal fresh cuts, more than likely from the day before. I took a big breath and let it go, realizing that he needs someone to help him stop cutting. He needs someone to physically stop him, not just talk him out of it. His eyes held so much pain and sadness. I hadn't seen him look so vulnerable.
"What do you need me to do?" I inquired softly. I delicately traced the old scars and the freshly scabbed over cuts. My fingertips were cold from the air and he flinched from the abnormal contact.
"I need to be distracted when I feel the urge to." I nodded in understanding and pulled my hand back. "Look if you don't want to..." He quickly pushed his sleeves down.
"No, I can do that." I paused, "I'll do what I can."
"I've been feeling like I want to all day." He looked down.
"Why?"
He rolled his eyes, "Remember the girl from my story? Tasha?" I nodded. "She showed up at the bar last Friday. I swear I've been pissed off every second since she came up to me and wanted to hook up." He shook his head in disbelief.
"Oh," I replied with understanding. Mentally, I had a bit of a laugh at the realization that the girl I saw was Tasha. "Wait, I thought she was a few years older?"
"Yeah? So?"
I was stupid. I couldn't believe I had said that. I had to tell him that I saw him with her. "Oh I kind of saw you talking to her at the bar." I admitted nonchalantly, "But I have to say, she didn't look a few years older. She looked like she was in her thirties."
He let out a short laugh and grinned. "Yeah that's what the drugs did to her."
There was silence then, but it wasn't awkward. Just as he was about to say something more, and probably run for the hills again, I asked, "Do you want to come over for pizza?"
Griffin looked down, and then peaked at me under his eyelashes. It was extremely attractive and my mind immediately went to the kiss we shared last week. I was craving more. "Sure, I'd like that."
"Want to just follow me to my house?" I fiddled with the keys in my hand.
"Yeah, I'll follow you." He gave me a sly grin and walked off to his car.
I had called the pizza place on the way to my house. My mom said she had already had dinner with my sister. I noticed my sister's car was in the driveway when I pulled up. Griffin parked behind and trailed after me into the house. I opened up the door to see my mom and sister talking to each other across the island in the kitchen. My mom was opening a bottle of wine.
"Hey, I brought a friend." I informed them as Griffin stepped in behind me.
"Hi," He gave them a toothless grin.
"Mom, this is Griffin." My mom put the corkscrew down and shook his hand, "This is my sister, Lexi." He shook hers.
"Nice to meet you," My sister gave him a polite smile.
"I guess it's a good thing I didn't bring you dinner, I wouldn't have had anything for him." She chuckled.
"That's okay, I ordered pizza for us." I glanced back at Griffin who was awkwardly standing there. "Okay, we're going to go watch television in the basement until food gets here." I said to my mom and Lexi. My sister continued her discussion with my mom as she poured her a glass of wine and they went to sit in front of the television.
I focused my attention on Griffin. "Are you thirsty? We have water, pop, beer, wine, liquor..."
"Beer is fine." He replied and I grabbed two for us.
We sat on the couch with the television on in the background. Our stomachs were full from the pizza and quite a few beers were gone. My sister left when the pizza arrived. She told Griffin it was nice to meet him again, with calculating eyes, before leaving the house. My mom was up in her room watching television.
Griffin and I were sitting closer than we probably should have been. Surprisingly, he had taken off his hoodie and was wearing a short-sleeved shirt underneath, his scars and cuts fully visible. His upper body faced me with his arm around the back of the couch underneath my head. My knees rested on top of his legs as he played with the bracelet on my wrist. "What's this?"
"Friendship bracelet," I told him. "My best friend Kirsten and I tend to exchange them whenever we go on vacation. After awhile they break off so we just keep getting new ones to wear." I shrugged.
"Besides Will and Tasha before the big blowup, they were the only people besides my brother, that I considered best friends." He admitted.
"You haven't had one since?"
He shook his head, "That was one thing that I never really had."
"And a girlfriend as well." I teased to make him not feel bad.
He chuckled, "Yeah and a girlfriend."
"Why is that? I know you said that there were never girls you considered to be your girlfriend..." I trailed off.
"No, after Tasha I never let anyone close enough. The girls I was involved it were... crazy actually." He furrowed his eyebrows and continued to play with my bracelet. "Don't be surprised if we're ever at the bar together that they say something to you. I apologize in advance for them." He shot me an apologetic smile.
"No worries, I can deal with it."
"Good, I like a girl that can hold her ground." Griffin flirted.
"What else do you like?" I challenged and the air around him became thick with sexual tension from my question.
His eyes sparkled with mischief at my question and he didn't lose eye contact. "I like brown eyes, shorter than me, if they're smart, and independent." His eyes flickered to my lips, "I like it when I can't always read their emotions on their face." He played with a piece of my hair next to my face. "I like some mystery and I like a girl with a great smile." His hand held the side of my face as he inched closer. My breath hitched in my throat. "But what I really like, is when I'm the one who can't seem to stay away and stop myself from kissing her." His lips were mere centimeters away from mine. "And that just doesn't happen."
His lips fell upon mine in a rush, his hand tangled in my hair. I could understand exactly what he meant when he said he couldn't stop kissing me. I enjoyed every second of his selfish, desirous, and hunger driven kiss. He intensified it instantly and took control. He pulled me onto his lap so I was straddling him as we continued to kiss. His hands wandered up my back, under my shirt, while my hands held onto his neck. He bit my lip and I let out a short, deep moan.
He pulled back to let out a laugh, "Guess I found out what you like." I smiled deviously at being caught and stared at the dimple in his cheek. "What else do you like?" He asked. Griffin began to bite before kissing my neck and moving to my shoulder. My eyes rolled to the back of my head as I tilted to the side to give him better access. I let out a soft sigh of content and he stopped. I opened my eyes to see him staring at me.
"What?" I inquired.
"You're gorgeous," He kissed my lips softly and tucked strands of hair behind my ear. "I can admit that this was a great distraction." He admitted.
"Oh yeah?" I flirted and raised an eyebrow.
"Definitely," He kissed me again.
"So how exactly does this whole me-helping-you thing work?" I probed.
He shrugged, "I call you when I need you to distract me?" I nodded slowly, "Think of it as if you're my sponsor for Alcoholics Anonymous, you support me when I feel the urge to harm myself."
"What if I can't stop you?"
"I know you'll do what you can. Besides, it's highly possible if you kiss me like that, I'll stop." He grinned.
"I didn't realize my kisses held so much power," I chuckled.
"They're pretty damn powerful, Cadence." He pressed his lips to me once more.
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