ARAW-araw gumigising ako na ang tanging layunin ay acads. Mas mabuti na rin siguro yun para ma-distract ako ng kaunti sa mga nangyayari sa buhay ko. Tapos na ang quarterly exam pero hindi parin tapos ang cold war naming magkakaibigan. So the great pretender that I was, I managed not to make eye contact with them for the rest of the fight. But it doesn't mean I didn't miss then.
The previous weeks, we're busy preparing for the Speech Choir contest. And today's the day.
I was the one assigned to put eyeliner on our classmates. I didn't participate because... I dunno.
Para akong robot sa ginagawa ko hanggang sa si Desteen na ang susunod sa pila. I started getting nervous. How should I act? Should I act as if it's nothing? Oh, this is insane.
Her face was blank and so was mine. I started to put the thing on her and tried to keep my hands steady. Ayos na sana eh. Mukha na kaming walang problema pero si Hovi nag-umpisang mang-asar. She teased Desteen until she started cursing and ended up laughing. Hindi ko rin napigilang tumawa.
After the contest na pinanalo nila, we talked. Doon kami sa round na benches sa tree park so our faces are all very clear to one another.
Sa umpisa, walang gustong magsalita. Then after a few moments, Desteen faced me and asked, "Why?" Just one word but it meant a lot.
Bakit nga ba? Hindi ko rin alam eh. Bakit ako ganito?
I lowered my gaze. "Sorry," is all I managed to say.
"Gusto naming malaman kung bakit Avi. Why are you like that?" She took her time to find the right words to say. And finally, "Why are you so good in pushing people away?"
Bullseye. "Hindi ko rin alam eh," I said.
I heard them sigh.
"Ganyan ka lagi. Ayaw mong ilabas yang nararamdaman mo. The problem with you is bigla-bigla ka na lang hindi namamansin nang hindi namin alam kung saan kami nagkamali. Pag may problema ka huwag mong dinadamay ang buong mundo!" si Desteen. The truth weighed too much it prevented me from breathing easily.
"Anong hindi namamansin? It's you who did it first. The day before yesterday, I wasn't in the mood. At alam niyo naman na ganun ako kapag hindi okay, I tend to shut people out. Hindi ko kaya pinapansin kasi hindi niyo rin naman ako pinapansin," I argued calmly. But my insides are close to losing their shit.
"So is this all about revenge? Suklian, ganun? Walang gustong magcompromise?" si Madsen.
"I know I started it. I'm really sorry. Yes, I pushed you away and I didn't expect you to come crawling back to me. I prayed you would though. Because I don't think I'm brave enough to pull you guys back," I said with a shaky voice. Then there was a moment of silence.
"Why were you so down that day?" asked Sharisse.
I took a moment to decide if I should tell them or not. Baka isipin ang babaw. Ordinary people would say that. But hell, they're my friends. If there are people in this world who know me better than I know myself, it's them.
"Si Corbyn," I started. Medyo lumapit sila ng kaunti sa akin. Ang mga mata nila ay puno ng kuryosidad at antisipasyon. "This may sound shallow to you but-"
"Go on," said Hovi.
Kinuwento ko yung nangyari noong dinalhan niya ako ng pagkain hanggang sa lumabo ang usapan dahil sa ayaw niyang mag open up tungkol sa mama niya. Sinabi ko rin yung tungkol kay Tadhana, kung paano siya nahirapan kung alin ang pipiliin niya.
"Ewan ko. He's like a mystery box to me," I confessed.
"Baka may reason," suggested Sharisse.
"Seriously, hindi ko na alam. I think there's something serious going on with his mom. Like she's in danger or something. All I want is a piece of truth from him. Mahirap bang ibigay yun?
"And you know what made me feel worse? My parents know."
"What? They know about Corbyn's mom?" asked Desteen.
"Yeah," I laughed without humour. "And they won't say anything. I think Toffer knows about it also."
Huminga ng malalim si Hovea at sinabing, "Jerk."
Siniko siya ni Madsen bago nagsalita. "In short, you're left in the dark?" Madsen started. "And it's what makes you frustrated because you know there's something wrong going on and they won't tell you anything?"
"Exactly," I said. "Mas madali sana to kapag alam ko lang ang nangyayari eh. If he needs me to stay out of it, I'll stay out of it. Ang gusto ko lang, alam ko."
"Why didn't you say this sooner?" si Des.
"At first, I thought it'd be okay soon. Then he vanished. I thought you'd find it shallow. Lastly, it's my own problem, I shouldn't involve anyone on this." I face-palmed and tried to hide my tear-streaked face.
Then all of a sudden, they're hugging me already. Ewan ko ba. Bakit kapag niyayakap ka, imbes na tumahan ka, naiiyak ka pa lalo?
"Kaya pala mukha kang manang these past few days. Pumayat ka rin, girl," si Sha. "And this," hinawakan niya yung buhok ko na parang nandidiri. "Mukhang pati buhok mo na-stress."
And suddenly, the world turned upside down.
"Totoo, pumayat ako?" Parang ngayon rin lang nila napansin. Isa-isa nila akong ineksamin.
"Oo nga eh ano?" agreed Hovi. Sumang-ayon rin yung iba.
"Avi, yang buhok mo talaga," Sha commented. Para siyang problemadong problemado sa buhok ko. "Kelan ka huling pumunta sa salon?"
"I don't know. Last year?"
They looked at me with the funny expressions on their faces.
"Get your bags and call Verca. We're going to the salon," said Desteen. It took minutes before I could process what she just said.
"What? Right now? But we have classes tomorrow."
Pinanliitan niya ako ng mata. "Sa pagkakaalam ko, ALS students lang ang pumapasok ng sabado sa paaralang ito."
Biyernes na pala ngayon. Gah. Si Mads yung tumawag kay Verca habang naglalakad kami papuntang classroom para kunin yung mga bag.
"Hindi sumasagot," ani Madsen. "Silipin ko nga sa room nila."
Pagkabalik ni Mads ay nandun na kami sa shed at nasa amin na rin yung bag niya. "Nowhere to be found," sabi niya.
"Who are you waiting for, girls?" I turned around to face Russel. Kasama niya sina Steven at Darren.
"Oh, hi Russ," I greeted. "Hello Steve, Darren."
Russel offered a high five, Darren did his usual pat the head and Steve was just smiling mischievously.
"Si Verca, nakita niyo?" tanong ni Des.
"Absent," si Steve ang sumagot.
"Bakit daw?" I asked.
"Ewan. Wala rin siyang excuse letter," si Steve.
"Puntahan nalang natin bukas. Let's go," aya ni Desteen.
"Kakain kayo? Sama kami," ani Russel.
"Sa salon kami," sabi ni Mads. "Pero kung kaya niyong maghintay, eh di kain tayo pagkatapos."
"Mga ilang oras kayo dun?" tanong ni Darren.
"I dunno. 2? 3?" Desteen answered.
"Next time, then," sabi ni Darren.
Since hindi sila sasama, nagpaalam na kami at nagsimulang maglakad.
Tinawagan ko si Auden para sabihin na susunduin nalang ako mamaya sa pagkakainan namin pero nasa field na pala siya. Tutal nandito naman na siya, di magpapahatid nalang kami para iwas gastos.
"Why are we heading to the field?" nagtatakang tanong ni Hovi.
"Malalaman niyo rin," sagot ko. Nagtataka man ay sumunod rin sila.
"Oh my God, pinayagan ka nang mag-drive?" si Hovi noong makalapit kami sa sasakyan.
I laughed and knocked the window. Pagkakita sa akin ni Auden ay agad niyang binuksan niya yung pintuan.
"Kanina ka pa?" I asked.
"Not really. I arrived a couple of minutes earlier."
I nodded. "Guys," tawag ko sa pansin nila. "This is Auden. Auden these are my friends. Pupunta kaming salon." Nahihiya akong sabihing personal driver. Wala lang, parang ang sosyal kasi. Duh. Dami kasing alam ni Papa.
HINAYAAN ko na si Desteen ang makipag-usap dun sa mag-aayos ng buhok ko. Someone was attaching something on me.
I can hear them talking about what would be best for me. The stylist suggested that they straighten my hair.
I heard Desteen say excitedly, "What if you curl it? Mas bagay niya ang kulot!"
Ang tagal nila. Gah. I'm bored. Yung iba nagpapaalam sa parents nila na mag-sleep over sa bahay. Ewan ko sa kanila, pabigla-bigla ang gusto. Dahil siguro sa boredom ay dinapuan ako ng antok.
Pagkagising, naramdaman ko yung sakit sa batok.
When my eyes focused on my reflection on the mirror, my consciousness woke. Yung hanggang bewang na buhok ko naging hanggang balikat na lang at yung dating bagsak, kulot na.
"Like it?" tanong ni Desteen na pinapanood ako. Yung iba nakangiti sa akin.
"I look different."
"Hindi na lang haircut yan girl ha. Move on na. Walang forever," sabi ni Sharisse.
I laughed at her remark. Sinabayan rin ako ng iba.
Pinagmasdan ko muli ang repleksiyon ko sa salamin. The girl in the mirror looked different: bolder, more confident. I like it.