.:Author's Note:.
Macy at the top
serodiscordant relationship: a relationship in which one partner is HIV-positive while the other is HIV-negative
***
Winston's POV:
"No."
That's the answer I had given Jonathan before leaving the conference room for a break. I assumed I had shocked him since there was no move made to follow after me. It was probably not the nicest thing to do, but I had valid reasons to decline the date.
For one, it wasn't real. Jonathan wasn't asking me out because he wanted to. April had basically pressured him into accompanying me on a fake date to fool some kid from my support group (which he was unaware of).
Two, I couldn't do it to myself. Knowing that it wasn't real would hurt more than anything. I knew that I wouldn't be able to handle the whole ordeal coming to an end. Jonathan would go back to looking at me as a coworker while I would continue to make googly eyes whenever he turned his back.
And three, even if by some magical power the fake date made real feelings develop on his side, there was no way we'd work out afterward. People like me constantly had things go wrong in their lives just when everything felt right. I always had to prepare for the worst these days.
For the first time in ten years, I felt stray tears run down my face. I tried to hide the fact that I was nearly bawling as I made my way out of Montego's building, yet I still received odd looks from the working class people.
Charlie (if that was even his real fucking name).
I'd like to blame Charlie for my life turning to shit, but even I knew that my life had been going downhill the moment I hit high school. Charlie was just another bump in this road I called fate. The road seemed to go on forever with nothing but potholes and casualties, leading me to the edge of nowhere. There was no destination at the end, mostly because there was nothing I could consider to be my happy ending. My fate was built for destruction.
Before I knew it, I was pulling out my phone and calling my support group leader. It was the first time, since I began attending the monthly meetings, that I was calling anyone for help. Usually, you'd ring your partner, but Ellis was part of a crazy train that I was trying to avoid.
"Hi, this is Macy." Thankfully, she picked up after three rings.
"Macy!" I sobbed, grateful that I made it to the silence of the parking lot and away from listening ears. I was a grown man crying about a hurting heart. Pathetic.
"Winston?!" Macy questioned in alarm. "Winston, sweetie, what's wrong?"
"I-I fucked up! I fucked my life up! Everything is just so fucked up!"
"Winston! Winston! What happened? Are you hurt?" Macy replied urgently.
"There's no one in this lifetime that I can allow to love me. Do people like me even deserve happy endings? Is it karma? I-I don't think I've done anything wrong! But why d-does God hate me so much?"
"Oh, sweetheart..."
"Is that what you think?" I heard Jonathan ask, scaring the shit out of me and causing me to turn around abruptly. My grip on my phone tightened considerably as I locked eyes with the handsome man.
"Winston, who's that?" Macy questioned, but I was too focused on Jonathan, who had apparently followed me out of the building, and currently stood in front of me with a deep frown on his face.
"W-why are you out here?" I sniffled, completely aware that I probably looked like a hot mess with tear streaks and boogers.
"You didn't really think I would've let you walk out like that, did you?"
"I was hoping you would. I can't really make a dramatic exit if you decide to follow me." I tried to joke despite the fact that there was nothing funny about how I felt. I just wanted to go home now, but I quickly diminished the thought when I remembered that Jonathan was my ride. I couldn't be cooped up in a car with him right now. It would only make everything worse.
"It's a good thing I did so that I could hear all the ridiculous things you feel about yourself."
"You know nothing!" My tone hardened.
"So how about enlightening me!" Jonathan snapped back, making me pause. "Winston, I was being serious upstairs when I asked you out. I could tell from the look in your eyes that you thought I wasn't doing it for myself, but I was. April may have given me a little nudge, but at the end of the day, it was still up to me."
"Jonathan, I can't..." I said after a moment's hesitation. "I won't allow you to involve yourself with me other than when it relates to work."
"And why the hell not?! Don't you think I should get a say in wanting to be with you? You can't lie to me and tell me there's not an ounce of chemistry between us."
"It's not that easy."
"Why not make it easy then? Give me one good reason, one reason that I can accept, why you think we can't possibly be good for each other; and I don't want to hear that BS you were spewing earlier either because in the short time I've worked with you, I've learned that you are a good person, and good people always get their happy endings."
"I'm not that good of a person." I countered, making Jonathan chuckle.
"Neither am I, but I feel like we're good enough. My girls have taken a liking to you, and they tend to have a scary, but adept, judge of character."
"I think you should tell him." Macy's voice rang in my ear, making me realize that I hadn't hung up the phone. "If this Jonathan is who I think he is, then I know you're going to have a hard time keeping away from him. He always fights for what he believes is worthy, and I know that letting him in is a decision you will never regret, sweetheart. However, I won't push you. Whatever you decide, just know that I'm always a phone call away. Oh, and Winston, tell Jonathan that Macy says she'll be coming to see her nieces sooner than he expects." She finished with a small laugh before the line went dead.
It was tensely silent between Jonathan and I after I had put away my phone. He stared at me expectantly while I contemplated revealing my secret. When I made no move to speak after a minute went by, he called out my name and took a step closer to me. With only the small boost of confidence Macy had given me, I took a deep breath then spoke.
"I have HIV." I stated, avoiding eye contact with the man who I had just given the opportunity to make or break me. However, I was sure that at any second now, he was going to throw every insult in the book at me, maybe call me a whore if he felt like it. I could already feel his judgment seeping into my skin like a toxin, and it was paralyzingly me.
"Are you serious?"
"What?!" I snapped, looking at him with a fierce glare. "You think I'd joke about something like that?"
"What? No! That's not what I meant. I was asking if you were serious that that's the reason you won't give me a chance."
My glare was wiped cleanly off my face and replaced by shock. I had proof now; Jonathan was a fucking crazy man. No sane person was going to simply dismiss the fact that I have HIV.
"That is an acceptable reason!" I said back childishly. There was a whine in my tone since I could not believe that he was just brushing it off. "Do you not know the risks of being with someone who is HIV-positive while you are HIV-negative?"
"Winston, I do know the risks. But I also know that serodiscordant couples, if willing to make small sacrifices, can live safe and happy lives."
"Why are you being so calm about this?! I've been pulling my hair out ever since I discovered that I was attracted to you and assumed that you would be disgusted!"
"Maybe you shouldn't assume then." Jonathan replied with a lift of his eyebrow. My face puffed out in frustration since it suddenly seemed like I was the one going crazy.
"So you don't care that I'm infected?" I asked softly, needing a lot more clarification.
"Of course I care! Questions have popped into my head like, 'Is he taking care of himself; taking his medication? Does he have someone to be there for him on his bad days? Is he ever depressed? Should I-'"
He was rambling, so I cut him off by kissing him.
Jonathan had been so occupied with listing his new worries for me that he didn't see me as I walked up to him before planting my lips on his. The sudden action surprised him for only a moment before he began kissing me back.
I hated to be girly and cliché, but sparks flew everywhere. Sharp bolts of pleasure coursed throughout my being as Jonathan took control of the kiss and pressed me against whatever car we were standing next to. I moaned softly. Kissing was something I hadn't done in over ten years, and my body was more than reacting to the fact.
I knew we had to stop soon, but I couldn't find it in myself to push him away once his tongue made an appearance. It was highly inappropriate to be making out in a parking lot, but fuck it! This was my moment, and I sure as hell was going to enjoy it.
Unfortunately, eternities (which was realistically a few minutes) later, Jonathan and I stopped kissing. I opened my eyes that had closed on their own accord and found him grinning up at me. Granted, I was only like an inch or two taller than him, but he still made me feel a bit inferior.
"Do you know a woman named Macy?" I asked as I enjoyed the warmth of Jonathan's arms around me. I didn't want him to move, and he seemed content with me against his body anyway.
"I have a sister named Macy." He answered, making my eyebrows raise. He chuckled, understanding my confusion. "She's my step-sister. Her mother married my father when we were both four."
"Oh, that makes sense. She told me to tell you that she'll be coming to see her nieces sooner than later."
"Is that who you were on the phone with? Have you been attending her support group?"
"Yes and yes." I grinned.
"Damn." He muttered, nuzzling my neck. "Maybe I would've met you a lot sooner if I volunteered with her like she had asked me to."
***
Jonathan and I decided not to spend more time outside in the cold. Neither of us had bothered to put on our jackets despite the fact that it was snowing. The heated conversation, as well as the hot kiss, kept us pretty warm for a while.
"So, does this mean you'll go on a date with me?" Jonathan questioned as we headed towards the elevator. I glanced at him from the corner of my eye. He was staring at me with a look I couldn't decipher since I refused to look him in the eyes.
I felt sort of embarrassed. I've only known the man for a week or two and he had already shoved his tongue down my throat. He already knew my secret. God, why the fuck was I so easy? It was this same behavior that allowed Charlie to take advantage of me.
No! Jonathan is not Charlie. I thought bitterly. I just needed to prove that to myself.
"Yes, I'll go out with you." I finally replied as the elevator doors opened. We got into the car and pressed the button for the top floor.
"Good. Now I can start working my magic." Jonathan replied cheekily. I raised an eyebrow at him, turning his cheeky grin into a full blown smile.
"Magic for what?"
"For making you the happiest man in the world, of course."