I couldn't find her.
The heat of giant bonfire washed over us as we stood around it. It took about ten of us to lit the pile of firewood. I smiled as I watch the blazing fire dance, casting shadows on those around as their eyes lit up with the fire light.
"Reminds me of you."
I felt a wider smile tug at my lips as I glanced at Julian's hulking figure beside me. I caught myself as I stole a glance at him, the blaze of the firelight illuminating his usually brown eyes and making them startling light.
"The hair or the heat?" I teased, hoping that he'll take my growing blush as being flushed from the roaring heat of the fire.
He laughed, his grin turning into a smug as I laughed along with him. However, my laughter died as I finally caught a flash of familiar blonde hair reflecting the light of the flames. I didn't hear Julian's reply, my attention now on Cassie as she weave through the crowd on the opposite end.
She had been avoiding me the whole day, even blocking me off mentally and it hurt. It stung every time she avoided my gaze, leave when I entered the room and put up her mental walls up so violently it almost felt like she had actually shoved me.
It hurt, but it didn't make sense for her to do this. What did I do wrong?
"Eve? Where-"
"Sorry got to go, I'll catch you later!"
I tried to give me my best look of apology but I was barely looking at him as I tried to keep Cassie within my sight. I cursed as I lost her, her small size making it almost impossible to spot as she started to disappear further into the crowd.
It took every thing in me not to do a full out sprint and it frustrated me as I pushed my way past others, the mess of people slowing me down. A sharp growl escaped me as I watch the last of her shiny blonde hair disappear past the tree lines. If she had shifted, I would have lost my chance of finding her. She had too much of a head start, and her being the fastest in our Pack wasn't very helpful now.
Stopping at where she disappeared, I cursed as several scents hit me, reminding me that this area of the forest was a hot spot for mated wolves. Trying to catch her scent among the nauseating scent of arousal from a dozen couples had my head slightly pounding, making me doubt briefly if it was worth venturing in.
Just go, for fuck's sake.
Keeping my breathes as shallow as possible, I had to remind myself to stay deadly silent to allow an unnoticed getaway in an awkward situation. What the hell was she doing in here anyway?
Moans of pleasures carried softly on the night breeze warned me to go in the opposite direction, and for once I didn't know if our sensitive hearing was a good or bad thing.
"I'll kill you!"
I had never felt more relief in hearing Cassie's voice, but the fury in her voice pierced through the soft moans in the distance, and sending my guard up in an instance. I knew she had shifted, her furious snarls almost drowning out a desperate voice that pleaded with her.
Was it a rogue?
I ran, ready to shift and back her up. I steeled myself as I burst into a small clearing, but the sight of Jared sprawled on the ground with Cass snarling manically on top of him was not something I was prepared for.
"What the fuck? What the hell is going on!"
I stared, beyond confused as they ignored me. They grappled, Cass' claws tearing viciously into Jared's torso as he held her back. The ugly metallic smell filled the air, snapping me into action as I sprinted towards them, tackling hard into Cass as my arms wrapped around her neck from behind.
"What the fuck - Cass, snap out of it! Jared! What did you do!"
I grunted as I struggled against a maniacal Cass. I could feel her rage of emotions as I pushed against her mental barrier, a flurry of emotions that were a mess that I didn't have the strength of comprehend. She struggled, the claws of her hind legs pushing against me as her jaws snapped viciously towards Jared, barely inches from his face.
"Move away you idiot! Cass, calm the fuck- down!" I winced as her claws dig deep into my shin, and my right leg unwittingly buckled.
"Stop it! You're hurting her! Cassandra, stop it!"
What?
Just like that, Cass stopped struggling. Whines soon replaced her snarls, her tail thumping lightly at my side, as if to reassure me. All this time, my eyes never left Jared's face, his eyes wide with worry, and a look in his eyes that looked hauntingly familiar as he stared at Cass.
That's how dad looks at-
"You're kidding. You can't be serious."
My voice was barely a whisper as my arms sagged to the side. Cass barely moved, but her tail snuck closer to me as she tried to shrink into me.
Evie...
"What happened?"
It felt stupid to ask, but I couldn't bring myself to just speculate. Jared averted his eyes, his shoulders hunching as the air of defeat around him intensify. Cass whined, and I closed my eyes. Neither answered, and the silence amongst us invited the sounds of distant moans to surround us.
"What happened?"
I tried again, unwilling to answer for them. The knots in my chest tighten and my voice came out a little strangled as anger started to bubble in my stomach. Doubt started to rise its ugly head within and as much as I wanted to keep calm, I couldn't stop the thoughts that entered.
"Have you both gone mute?" I snapped. I couldn't bring myself to feel bad as they flinched. Cass whined louder, quickly turning around to press her snout into my stomach, unable to meet my eyes. It was clear that she had no intention to shift back yet, and she was not reaching out mentally either.
I glared at Jared, unwilling to back down. He sighed tiredly, taking a step back as he sat down heavily, as if he held the weight of the world on his shoulders.
"It's obvious, isn't it?"
"No it's not you idiot." I lied, annoyed as he tried to stall. He made an unintelligible noise, and he fell back onto his back.
"I can't look at you now."
I flinched, the familiar and painful words shot through me. I barely heard Cass snarl as I watch his head snap back up, panic on his face.
"I didn't mean it like that! I meant, that I can't- I mean I can't look- god dammit! Evangeline!"
I felt myself retreat, gently pushing Cass away as I got up and walked away. I didn't need this, I didn't want to hear anything like this now. I don't think I can bear the memories threatening to flood my mind now.
"Wait, wait, wait! Shit- please, wait!"
"Evie, we're mates!"
Cass' voice had me stopping in my tracks, but all it did was intensify all the doubts that had finally broken through. My breathe rattled a little, still unable to look back.
"How long have you known?" I asked quietly, still unable to face them.
Silence stretched on. I thought they weren't going to answer till I heard Jared's whisper.
"Since the first day."
My eyes closed. I took a deep breath.
"Okay."
I knew my voice reached them, as quiet as it was. My guts twisted as I continue to back faced Cass. I knew she would misunderstand, but I couldn't look at Jared now. There were so many questions I wanted to ask, but I was scared to know the answers. But I also knew that it would kill Cass if I just left like that.
Mustering up as much courage as I could, I forced a smile on my face as I glanced back at them. It took effort to speak and when I did, I spoke words I did not know if I meant.
"I'm happy for you."
My eyes burned as I let these words replace the question I truly wanted to ask but don't have the courage to do so. I smiled, hoping that they could see that it was at least a genuine one, before turning and going the way I came.
I prayed that they stayed as the darkness of the forest enveloped me. The moaning soon became closer and as my thoughts closed in on me, I let myself laugh. It sounded tired, desperate and...broken.
Is that why you wanted me back in your life Jared? Was I just a step you had to make to get to Cass?
Guilt bloomed in me as I realised that I had marred Cass' joy in finding her mate. It suddenly all made sense, why she spent the past few days avoiding me. The sudden rush to get away from me the other day.
I knew it would kill her to find out the person she had hated with me for years was in fact her mate. How long was she planning to hide it? We've been here for almost three weeks. What was she gonna do?
I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry.
I couldn't even bring myself to apologise to her through the link as I ran further and further. I didn't know where to go now, I couldn't go back to the party. They would figure out something happened. I couldn't do that to Cass, it was not my story to tell. I just knew that I had to get away from them.
Why do you keep running, you coward?
I fought the urge to scream as my legs took me aimlessly into the forest. After a while, even the moans have disappeared. I was being reckless, I shouldn't be out here now, at least not alone but I couldn't bring myself to care.
A selfish coward.
My ragged breathes hardly kept my presence quiet as I struggled to breathe as I finally let myself fall forward, slamming my knees into the soft ground as the edge of the forest appeared before me.
A valley of green and mounted wild land stretched below me, the cold and heavy wind pressing down on me as I let myself sob. I had no right, and yet, I couldn't stop the tears. The wind howl in my ears, and I tried to muffle my screams in my hands as I curled to the ground.
I couldn't understand the flurry of emotions that warred within me and I didn't want to. I hated the tears running down my face, tears that should have dried up a long time ago. It reminded me of my time before meeting Alyssa and Cadan, almost as if nothing had changed and that the last five years had all been a dream.
Maybe it was, just a little respite from your nightmare of a life.
I laughed, unable to register much of anything else. Embarrassment filled me as my tears started to slow, making me hate myself more as thoughts of me overreacting bombarded my mind. Who was I to cry? Was I just crying for attention? Had I just hoped for one of them to stop me? To choose me instead?
"You crazy bitch. You fucking selfish, cowardly bitch."
A ludicrous laugh escaped me as I cursed myself. The smell of wet grass filled my blocked nose as the tears started to stop. I didn't move as the cold wind bit at me, welcoming the feeling of numbness and nothingness that always came afterwards. I needed it.
It took a while, but I finally register where I was and another bitter laugh escaped me. I sat up, my hands running gently on the wet grass as I stared out to the vast darkness below me. This wasn't a happy place, but at least it was mine.
It was a secluded spot, and it was perfect for little outcast Evangeline to run to be alone after the usual day of mental torture. I knew I would have gotten into trouble if I had been caught, but it was the only place that was safe but far enough from the pack land that was still within the territory. More importantly, it was far enough to make it difficult for anyone to find me. Hours alone here were the only escape I could get away. After all, most waking hours were spent in that godforsaken pack house. The adults were always busy, always away. There wasn't anywhere there where I could call a safe place.
"I can't believe I'm back here."
The wind carried my voice away, stinging my eyes as they go. As much as I hated the memories that came with this spot, I had missed it. It had been my safe space after all.
"You've been here before?"
I jumped, scrambling to turn as my hair whipped into my face. A snarl left my lips as I instinctively got into a defensive position, inching away from the edge as the hulking figure of Damion appeared.
"What the hell are you doing here?" I snapped.
"I could ask you the same." He glanced at me, his brows furrowing. "Can't you relax around me?"
I bit back a curse, tempted to tell him to go fuck himself, or preferably throw himself off the edge. Instead, I settled for a glare and he raise his hands in surrender, a cautious look on his face as he watched me.
"I'm not going to do anything."
With that, he sat down slowly, as if to prove a point. It did nothing for me and I watched him silently as he gave up and his hands lowered, just as he averted his eyes. My heart lurched slightly, as I noted how he had really grown to look like his father. Shadows flowed seamlessly along his face, his dark hair flying messily in the wind.
"How are your wounds? I heard you fought the rogue alone."
What?
"I'm fine." I replied curtly, still trying to figure out what he wanted. "Did you follow me here?" A flash of panic course through me at the thought of him witnessing everything and I scowled at him.
"What? Of course not! I didn't even know anyone else knew of this place until I smelt- saw you."
He fumbled, and I my eyes narrowed.
"I swear! Look, I don't have to justify-"
"Yeah, whatever." I knew a pointless argument when I hear one, and the thought of having to even engage with Damion sapped the remaining energy I had left. "Whatever." I mumbled, letting myself sit down and return to facing the vastness beyond the edge of the cliffs.
I didn't hear him make any move to leave and I figured he would take the hint and leave. I sighed, a little annoyed that my little spot had become sullied with his presence. It had once been mine alone.
"When did you find this place?"
I wanted to snap at the annoyance in his voice. I thought he left. "Years ago, definitely way before you did today." I almost laughed. Even I heard how childishly possessive I sounded.
I heard him huff. "I found it years ago too, right when you le-" He fell silent and my momentary mirth disappeared. The silence became awkward and tense, and I held my knees closer to my chest. I hoped that the awkward air would drive him away. Damion was never good with those anyways.
"The weather seems nice."
Are you kidding me?
"Yeah... real nice."
We fell into silence again and I hoped that this time, he would really leave. But it was all wishful thinking. He broke the silence once more, and it took everything not to keep my sigh in.
"I thought you would be angrier."
"I'm too tired for your shit now."
Please, just leave. At least you can go back to the packhouse and still be comfortable.
"I'm sorry."
My heart stopped and the tears threatened to fall again, but this time, in anger. I kept silent, unable to say anything and so did he. Yet, he still didn't leave and I refused to react to him any longer.
"When you went missing, it was hell. Everything was a mess. Jared, it was almost as if he lost himself. Your parents, they found out everything that happened. They almost killed us, they should have. When we found your car wrecked with all that blood..." His breath turned haunted and my jaw clenched. "We thought you were dead, I thought you were dead. I wanted to take those words from that night back-"
"But you can't. So cut this bullshit and let's go back to ignoring each other."
I couldn't stand it anymore. I strode past him, careful not to touch him, as anger boiled within me.
"Wait!"
My arm turned painfully numb as his hand wrapped around my wrist and I snarled at him, flinging his arm away.
"Don't fucking touch me! In fact, don't fucking talk or even breath in my direction! I'm glad for that night, I'm so fucking happy that it happened cause it got me away from this hellhole!" I scream, the urge to just tear into his shell shocked face warring in me. I choked a little, holding my hand to myself as the remnants of the stinging pain faded. "Please, just leave me alone. I'll stay out of your way, so please, just stay out of mine."
I left, tears stinging my already strained eyes.
"Ev-"
"Please Alpha Black, leave me alone."
I ran, feeling even worse when I had arrive and I cling on to the lingering numbness that threatened to slip away once more. Yet, as the wind pushed me forward, it also carried his voice to me, soft and full of sorrow.
"Don't call me that, please not you."