WINTERTIDE.
i couldn't sleep. my brain is too awake with all this thinking. leave it to me to be the most indecisive person alive... i don't know what to say anymore, lexie. i can only do this for so long. if this is the last message you get, then you know what i chose. if this is the last one, then i want you to know that i'd do all of it again. everything. and i'd do all of it better- i'd be a better friend to you. you shouldn't have had to lose someone for me to express how much i care; i realise how messed up that is. i'd give you your space, i'd stop prying, i'd stop getting upset over little things.
and then maybe you'd still be here.
it's probably not healthy to dwell. but i think about you whenever i can. someone tells a joke, and i still look to where you should be to see if you thought it was funny. someone says something stupid in the groupchat, and i still wait for your snarky response. and i guess i still expect you to be listening to all of these.
you'd think i would have learned by now. maybe you're just not coming back; i'll have to get used to it at some point. i should've started months ago.
i'm sorry for all the things i could've done better. i'm sorry that i should've been more than what i thought you needed. i guess i'm just sorry for all of it.
you know, i think i might stop...yeah. i don't want to bother you anymore. maybe once i do, you'll stop bothering me without even being here.
stay safe, lexa. do whatever you think is best. i still have faith in you- even after all of this.
END.
2017.05.18