Charlotte breathed a sigh of relief as Louis sat down again but she had no idea where to start. When she'd arranged to meet him she'd had a speech prepared but his words had overwhelmed her. She looked down at the box in her hand, containing what should have been her engagement ring. She swallowed, feeling both happy and dreadfully sad all at once; happy that he'd loved her, that their relationship hadn't been a lie, and yet sad about what might have been. She knew that if she had come home that summer and he'd proposed she would have said yes.
"Charlotte," Louis said interrupting her thoughts. "You said there was something you had to tell me."
"I can't keep this ring," she said her nerve deserting her. "It wouldn't be right, you should give it to someone else."
He snorted. "Would you want an engagement ring from a guy who'd bought it for his ex-girlfriend."
She couldn't help wincing at the 'ex-girlfriend' part but it was all her own doing. "No, probably not although I've never had an engagement ring. Maybe I wouldn't be that picky." She tried to laugh but she knew she was delaying the inevitable.
She had to tell him.
"Mommy!" Jamie came running over with Junior at his heels. "Those big boys won't get off the swings and they've been on them ages."
"You'll have to wait your turn," she said looking over at the swings. The two boys on them looked far too big, and ordinarily, she'd have gone and asked them nicely to let the younger kids have a turn, but she didn't dare leave Louis. "Look go play on the climbing frame, they'll get bored before long."
"It's not fair," Junior said kicking the ground. "Their fat asses are too big for the seats."
"John Junior," she said putting her 'teacher' voice on. "I don't want to hear you using language like that." Beside her, she could hear Louis trying not to snicker. "Go play on something else. Now." The boys scurried off, grumbling to each other.
"I guess Junior takes after his dad," Louis said, the corners of his mouth twitching.
"You could say that."
"So what were you going to say?"
"I'm not quite sure where to begin," she said folding her hands together and trying to steady her nerves. She took a deep breath, "That's not true, it began when I lost my baby."
Louis placed a hand over hers. "You don't have to tell me about it this."
"I do, it's the only way I can explain." She closed her eyes, gathering her thoughts, it had been easier when she'd rehearsed her words earlier. "When I lost my baby I was distraught. The doctor said I might never have another because I had internal damage and there were other complications that meant I had a high risk of miscarrying. The complications weren't caused by the fall, they were something I've always had apparently. Anyway, even though I blamed Nick I stayed with him cos who else would want me?" She bit down on her lower lip only stopping when she drew blood.
"But you left him?" Louis said, clearly confused.
"I wasn't going to but I found out he was seeing someone else." She clasped her hands together so they wouldn't shake. "This woman came to see me and she told me she was pregnant with his baby." She took a couple of deep breaths, trying to keep her composure. "I was so upset. Not about him cheating, I was beyond caring about that. But the idea that he could swan off and have another child as if nothing had happened pushed me over the edge."
"He really is a piece of work," Louis said his face darkening.
She nodded. "Anyway I started taking these pills - tranquillizers or sleeping pills I'm don't quite remember - cos what was the point in going on? Jamie could have a normal family with Nick, and this woman and her baby..."
"Lottie you don't have to explain yourself to me," Louis said touching her hand. "You were right, this is none of business."
She shook her head impatiently. "But I want you to understand that I was convinced I couldn't have another baby. I thought the doctors were soft pedalling it to me when they talked in terms of it being less likely. I honestly believed that meant it was impossible." She remembered the doctor with his kindly face, patting her hand as he imparted the news. He was so sympathetic, so caring, she'd known he was breaking it to her gently that she would never conceive again. She looked at Louis, imploring him to understand what she was trying to say. If only he'd look at her, really look at her, then he'd see.
"Wait, you're not...are you trying to tell me you're pregnant?" he asked, his mouth falling open.
She looked down and took a couple of deep calming breaths. "Yes I am, but it's nothing to do with you."
"What do you mean it's nothing to do with me?" He looked at her quizically. "I wasn't aware you'd been seeing anyone else."
"No, I mean it's my fault, I'll deal with it." Idly she began to pick at a broken fingernail. "Honestly, you don't have to be involved, I don't expect anything from you."
"Hold on, you can't just tell me you're pregnant and then cut me out," he said his voice rising, and she looked nervously over to the kids.
"I'm not trying to cut you out," she said hastily. "But I'm not going to make any demands of you either."
He touched her arm. "Lottie I won't leave you to deal with this by yourself."
She looked at him, trying to read his face. "Louis you've had about two minutes to get used to this, don't make promises that you might not be able to keep." It would be so easy to elicit his support, and so unfair. "I've pretty much known for a few months that I'm pregnant, and I still don't know what to do."
"Whatever happens with us, I'll stand by you."
She felt heartened by his words but she couldn't hold him to them. "I think you're saying what you think you should rather than what you mean."
"I know what I mean," he said impatiently. "So can you just take me at my word for once?"
"Maybe..." She looked away from him. "I thought I could leave town and make a fresh start somewhere else but I'd have no one to look after the baby when I went to work. If I stay around here my mom will probably help but I'll have to put up with a hell of a lecture every time she does." She panicked whenever she thought through the practicalities, there was no easy solution.
"Why would you leave town?" he asked his eyebrows furrowing. "Won't that be harder?"
She nodded, conceding his point. "Probably but what will people say if I stay? It's going to be extremely difficult at school." Nevermind the parents, the gossip from her fellow teachers was likely to be worse, and she'd heard the odd whispered comment already.
"Does it matter?" Louis asked arching his eyebrows. "It'll be news for a few weeks and then no one will care."
"It'll be gossip for a lot longer than that," she said sourly.
"Do you wanna get married then?"
She burst out laughing. "Louis I've been here before, that's the last thing I want!"
"Right, well that's rude," he said tongue in cheek. "You could do worse."
She gave him a half-smile. "I didn't mean it like that but I've spent the past year getting divorced. I couldn't consider getting married again so soon, especially when we're not even dating."
"We're only not together because you don't want to be," he said pointedly. "I'd be with you in a heartbeat."
"Why don't you go home and think this through properly," she said avoiding looking at him. "I don't want you making rash promises because you think it's the right thing to do."
"I won't leave you. One way or another you're kinda stuck with me now."
She smiled slightly. "Okay, why don't we talk again in a few weeks?"
"A few weeks," he said sounding disappointed.
"I've spent months contemplating this, a few weeks is nothing," she said softening her voice. "And Christmas is coming up, it's a busy time-"
"Not for me."
"Well, I've got Jamie to consider." The corners of her mouth turned down. "He's spending Christmas day with Nick so I want to make sure the time he has with me is special." She was being unfair resorting to emotional blackmail but needs must. "And we can talk on the phone, I just don't want you to feel under pressure."
"I won't," he said letting out a long breath. "But fine, we'll do it your way, whatever makes you happy."
"Thank you," she said touching his arm lightly. That could have gone a lot worse.
~~~
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