Louis strode through the park, making his way to the play area where John had told him Charlotte would be waiting with Jamie and Junior. More than once he'd considered cancelling, he'd have preferred to meet Charlotte by herself, but all his suggestions of alternative dates were rebuffed. She was busy making arrangements for Thanksgiving, plans for Christmas, he was almost expecting her to say she couldn't fit him in until Easter!
"I was surprised when John said you wanted to meet me?" he said as he approached her standing by the swings. He suspected she preferred to meet outdoors to avoid telling him where she was now living. "So why did you want to meet up?" he asked when she merely responded with a tight smile.
She pulled her coat around herself, her eyes on Jamie and Junior as they ran off towards the slide. She watched them climb up the ladder before turning her eyes back to him. "I didn't want to leave things on such a sour note," she finally said. "I owe you an apology, I was unspeakably rude."
"Okay," he said slowly, thinking she sounded like a character from one of those English novels she liked to read. "I guess things got a bit heated, and I'm sorry for prying into your private life. You were right, I was being too pushy."
Her face softened. "You meant well, I was just being a bitch." She turned her attention back to the kids and they stood quietly for a few moments watching them. "The thing is, my past is my past, I don't want to be defined by it."
He nodded, he well knew that sentiment. "No one is judging you." She remained silent, not looking at him. "Charlotte, I don't know how things got so messed up in such a short space of time but I'm sorry. I spoke to my mom and she swears she didn't write that letter but if you think she did-"
She raised her hand. "I don't think she did," she said her face downcast. "It was probably Nick or someone writing on his behalf, trying to unnerve me before the divorce hearing."
He resisted the urge to say 'I told you so.'
"It doesn't matter now anyway," she said shivering although the late November air wasn't especially cold. "If it wasn't that complaint it would have been something else." She met his eyes. "I'd have found a reason to end it."
He inhaled sharply although she'd simply confirmed what he already knew. "But why? Don't you want to be happy?"
"I'm broken," she said keeping her eyes on the kids. "I'm not sure I can ever be in a relationship with anyone ever again."
"Don't say that." Why was she always selling herself short? "Charlotte, why don't you value yourself as much as everyone else does?"
Her eyes flew to him. "How can I? The stuff that's happened to me, it wouldn't have happened if...if I'd been a better person. I brought it all on myself."
"What? No, you've got that all wrong." He grabbed her arms. "You've got to believe me, if you don't believe anything else I've ever said, believe this. You didn't deserve anything that happened to you." She stepped back, and he released his hold on her.
"It's sweet of you to say, but look at us," she said with a deep sigh. "We didn't work out all those years ago when we had everything going for us."
And that was the crux of it, he'd known all along. All her reasons, all her excuses, about why they couldn't be together were just that. Excuses.
He reached out and touched her arm. "Can we at least sit down, you can watch the boys from the bench." She hesitated but she let him lead her to the bench, her eyes still focused on the kids.
"Do you remember our first date here?" he asked. "When we got caught in the rain."
"Yeah," she said a smile playing on her lips. "It was the worst date ever."
"But it didn't stop you agreeing to a second date."
She smiled softly, "And I've never regretted that Louis, despite what happened later."
"Charlotte all these years you've been giving far more significance to something than you should have." That stupid double date. "That girl you saw me with, I honestly wouldn't recognise her if I passed her in the street. I wasn't interested in her, it was a dumbass thing to do."
"You broke my heart," she said, her voice barely louder than a whisper.
"You broke mine."
She let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have agreed to do this, we keep going around in circles and all were going to do is hurt each other."
"I didn't get you here to hurt you." He reached into his pocket, his hand tightening around the small box. "But I know why you don't want to be with me, why you don't trust me."
She looked at him, her eyebrows coming together in a frown. "It doesn't matter now."
"Hear me out, you deserve to know the truth," he said, thinking he had nothing left to lose. "Back when we said we'd have an open relationship, I think part of me did want to take the opportunity to see other girls. We got together when we were fifteen, and I probably did wonder if we'd got together too young and I was missing out." He let out a deep breath. "That doesn't mean that I didn't love you, I one hundred per cent did, but I guess I thought I could have my cake and eat it."
She chewed her bottom lip, but her hands folded in her lap gave off the appearance of indifference. "I've been unfair to you," she finally said. "I told you to see other people and I've held it against you ever since. I was immature, I probably still am."
"No, you weren't unfair. If the situation had been reversed and I'd seen you on a date with another guy I would have reacted badly." He smiled ruefully. "I'd probably have made a right fool of myself."
"Yeah, but at least that's honest. I pretended I was okay, I didn't even tell you." She shook her head. "You deserve someone better than me, you deserve a woman who can be true to you, who doesn't play games with your feelings."
"Lottie we were both young." If only she'd stop being so hard on herself, they might have a chance.
"We were and we made mistakes, but that doesn't mean we have to try to correct them now."
He sank back feeling deflated. Whatever he said, it wouldn't be enough. "Charlotte I loved you - I still love you - but back then, when you thought I didn't care I was trying to get you back."
"I don't understand," she said tilting her head to one side.
He pulled the box out of his pocket and held it out to her. "After you dumped me I wanted to get you back so I got you this. I was gonna give it to you in the summer." He handed her the box and she opened it nervously. Seeing the diamond ring glinting she quickly shut it.
"Louis I don't understand?" she said frowning at him.
"I was going to propose to you when you came home," he said, and her eyes filled with tears. "I never got the chance to. I was an idiot to sit around waiting, I should have acted straight away. I took you for granted Lottie, and even when we split I was still taking you for granted. I didn't think you'd move on." He couldn't believe how arrogant he'd been, how stupid.
"Why are you telling me this now?" she asked her voice quivering
"Cos whatever you think, I don't want you thinking I didn't care then, or that I don't care now. I was always thinking of you." He'd realised that partly why she didn't want to be with him now was down to her believing that he'd never loved her in the first place.
She looked at him with glassy eyes. "What do you want me to say?"
"Nothing, I didn't come here with an agenda. I bought this ring for you so you ought to have it." He laughed self consciously. "It's only going to be sitting around in the back of my drawer for the next forty years if you don't take it."
"I don't know what to say," she said her voice faltering.
"I don't expect you to say anything." He stood up thinking he'd said all that he could and the next move was down to her. "I should get going, take care of yourself."
"No, wait!" She grabbed hold of his elbow. "You can't leave now."
He paused and turned around to face her. "Why not?"
"There's something I have to tell you."
~~~
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