The drive back to the city sped by, mostly because the snow had long since stopped and the roads were clear. There was little enough talk, but the tension in the car was palpable.
Kane had folded himself into the backseat with Tessa, and Julie sat up front beside Asher. Neither vampire seemed at all happy with the turn of events.
Not that Tessa was. But on the way back she could feel an almost palpable gulf between her and Kane, bigger than what she had felt just the night before. Admittedly she had complicated their lives by bringing her pack in on this. As scared as she was, she wasn't sure she had been wrong.
But Kane probably thought so, and it made her ache to think he might be made at her. Even the comfort he had offered such a short time ago as they sat in the snow seemed to have been temporary and to have drifted into the past somehow.
It was Asher ho broke the silence. "You're going to be in serious danger, Julie. If those rogues figure out that you're thwarting them by killing the newborns before then can awake, they're going to want you with a vengeance"
"They can't get at me during the daylight. By tomorrow night, I should have everyone in the morgue convinced to do the brain studies first."
"I hope so. Because that's the last place I want you to be tomorrow night. By then they may figure out that something is going wrong with the newborns."
Kane spoke. "The morgue might actually be a good place to meet them first. Assuming we want to draw them out. If they go there to protect the newborns or to find out what's going wrong, we can prepare."
"Good thinking," Asher said.
Tessa raised a question. "So when you set out to change someone, it never fails?"
"Never," Kane answered. "No one has ever heard of a case. So they'll know someone is interrupting the process somehow, and the easiest place to look first is at the morgue."
"But there must be others who won't be found until it's too late."
"Clearly," he answered, his voice heavy. "Clearly."
She longed to reach out to him. To take his hand and feel a reassuring squeeze from his fingers, but when she looked at him, the moonlight trailing through the window told her that he was as rigid and unyielding as a statue.
He couldn't blame her for Julie's having to go back. That was clearly her decision. So he must be angrier than he had let on about her bringing in her pack. But she didn't know how to ask. Nothing about him invited questioning, and certainly not about a topic that had become so important. Or maybe she didn't want to hear the answer.
"Try again," he said shortly.
So she tried her mother again. No answer. "I'll call her in the morning. In town, they'll prefer human shape when it's light." She didn't want to think about all the other reasons her mother might not be answering. Couldn't bear to think about them. She had to believe the pack had spread out and was taking an inventory of the scents around the city.
"Leave her a message with Soren's address," Kane said. "At least let her know in case she plans to head back to the cabin."
So Tessa dialed again, hoping against hope that this time her mother would answer. Instead, she was thrown into voice mail and she repeated the message and the address Kane gave her.
Then the car went utterly silent again.
Finally, deep in the downtown area, Asher swung the car into an underground lot.
"Do you want me to come to the morgue with you?" Kane asked.
"I don't think it's necessary, but I'll call you if something happens. Take care of Tessa. And someone who knows what's going on has to be ready to deal with the pack when they arrive."
Tessa could have done that. She just didn't want to be that far from Kane. And she was disturbed that he apparently felt he could leave her in the care of another. Then she told herself to stop being so juvenile. Neither of them had committed to anything except seeing this mess through. He owned her mothering at all. Lust, she told herself, did not make a relationship.
It was also harder for her because she wasn't worldly about these things, and was so inexperience. She couldn't just discount what they had shared. Didn't want to believe it had been meaningless to him. Evidently it had been. And somehow she had to learn to accept that before she did something else stupid.
They climbed out of the car and Kane led her to a stairway. "I'm going to carry you," he said.
"Can't we take the elevator?"
"I don't have a key. Soren lived in the penthouse and it's a long climb."
She said nothing as, in a flash, he swung her onto his back. This time, she kept her eyes open and saw little beyond a faintly colored blur. Her stomach felt as if she was zipping upward in an elevator that moved too fast.
In less time that she could believe, he set her on her feet again.
"Wow, she said. "That was s rush."
At that, he favored her with a smile. "Like an amusement park ride?"
"Better." Far better, because for just a brief few moments in time she had been wrapped around him. Damn, she wished she knew how to reach out to him, how to draw him closer. But he was already her down a short hallway to double doors, where he rapped.
The doors opened, revealing an auburn-haired man with eyes as gold as Incan treasure. Scent alone would have told Tessa this must be Soren.
"Come in," he said and favored Tessa with a warm smile. "Beth will join us in just a minute."
Soren's apartment astonished her. After what she had seen so far, the last thing she would have expected from a vampire was two walls made almost entirely of glass, punctuated only by a small kitchen area.
Bright colors were splashed everywhere, and the entire south and west of the city was visible from here. It took her breath away.
"This is some place you have," she said.
"I have an actual job that keeps me inside most of the night. I'd go stir-crazy looking at nothing but walls."
"Hi," said a light, cheerful voice from behind.
Tessa turned to see a beautiful blonde dressed in jeans and a sweater emerge from what appeared to a bedroom.
"I'm Beth," she said. "You must be Tessa."
She passed right by Kane to give Tessa a hug. "Where are Asher and Julie?" she asked, turning to look at Kane.
"They went out the morgue. Julie has plans to interrupt the birth of newborns."
"That's going to be dangerous."
"At least until dawn."
Beth brought out a plate of finger foods for herself and Tessa, along with some hot chocolate. Soren brought out two bags of blood and for the first time, Tessa saw vampires eat.
She watched, swallowing hard, as bags of blood were emptied into tall glasses. Kane's gaze challenge her as he drank.
She made a point of staring while he took another drink, then reached for a cracker and cheese. He thought he was going to put her off because he drank blood? Not likely. The thought of it was evidently worse than the reality of it.
"Is that stuff any good?" she asked.
"You want some?"
Against the challenge. "Not my taste," she answered. "I just wondered about you guys."
"It suffices."
Beth gave her a friendly smile. "I think it was Julie who told me it's like the difference between champagne and rotgut wine."
"Eww." Tessa wrinkled her nose.
"It serves its purpose," Kane answered.
"Apparently so. Still, it can't be easy."
"It's like being on a diet. That's all."
Soren looked about ready to laugh.
"What's so funny?" Tessa asked him.
"You two remind me of agitated porcupines. Pull in your quills, both of you. We've got serious matters afoot."
Serious matters, indeed. Kane filled Soren and Beth in on the few things they didn't know, including the wolves who were supposed to meet them here.
"Lycanthropes? Here?" Soren looked astonished.
"You'll probably only meet my mother," Tessa hastened to assure him. "I doubt she'd bring the whole pack up here."
"I'm sure she won't. This isn't the sort of place your pack would like, being so high."
She was surprised he knew that. "How much do you know about us? I mean them."
"Little enough. We try not to cross paths. Well, this is certainly a curious development."
Tessa flushed. "It was all I could think of. There are only three of you."
"Oh, I'm not objecting. We need all the help we can get. I just ever thought I'd see the day."
"The day is today," Kane said with a shrug. "They're out gathering intelligence right now. It would be nice not to be guessing what we'll face when we go after the rogues."
"Certainly. That always helps."
Then Kane looked at Tessa and for the first time in hours, she saw genuine concern on his face. "We have a problem, however. If the pack comes here after dawn, someone needs to meet them. And there is only one who can."
Tessa lifted her chin. "Of course, I'll meet them. Why is that a problem?"
"Because there will be no one to watch over you in the meantime, little wolf. No one at all."
"She should be safe," Soren objected. "My scent is all over this place, and the rogues have no reason to be interested in me yet."
"Ah," said Kane, "but now my scent is here, as well. And I have given them ample reason to loathe me."
Tessa's fears clawed their way to the surface again, but she hoped they didn't sow. Something in Kane's withdrawal, after he had been so kind to her, had stiffened her in some way. She was not going to lean on that damn vampire any more than she absolutely had to.
"If the rogues show up I can wake you, right?"
"Only if you have time."
"Well, what the hell do you want me to do about it, Kane? You can't stay awake, and someone has to be here to greet my mother and find out what the pack has learned, and that leaves me, the only person they'll trust. And you're forgetting something: the rogues can't run around after dawn, either. So what do you fear?"
He didn't answer and she knew she had him dead to rights. He still didn't look any less tense, though. Something was worrying him, most definitely.
Soren rose and reached for Beth. "Dawn approaches. Don't be too long, Kane."
The two of them disappeared into the bedroom, closing the door quietly.
That left Kane and Tessa utterly along. Uncomfortable, she rose and went to stand before the huge window, wrapping her arms around herself, seeking some kind of comfort. Not even if she strained could she tell that dawn was arriving.
"How do you know?" she asked finally.
"Know what?"
"That dawn is approaching? Or when to wake?"
"I don't know. I can tell the sun is about to rise because the back of my neck prickles with warning. It grows more pronounced the closer daybreak comes."
"And waking in those dark rooms?"
"Again, I don't know. Evidently we sense a rhythm to the days, conscious or note, visible or not."
"I see." Finally, she turned to face him, because she had to know what was going on, no matter the price. "Kane, what's wrong? I get the feeling you hate me. Are you mad at me?"
He hesitated. "I certainly don't hate you, Tessa. And I'm not even angry now. But your pack has come. They'll take you home with them, as they should."
Her jaw dropped a little. "That's my decision, not theirs. And I can't go back. I don't belong there."
"But do you belong here?"
Her impulse was to respond that she did, but she smothered the words because she didn't know what was going on with him. Finally, she settled on something reasonable safe. "I belong here now more than I belong there. I know that much."
He tilted his head, then faster than she could see he approached until he stood inches away. Reaching out, he lifted her crystal wolf's head necklace, moving it so that it caught and splintered the light into rainbows. As if he was pondering a mystery, or reminding himself of something. She wished she knew which. Then he lifted her chin with his finger so their gazes met.
"A long, long time ago, I was a fool and made a choice I regretted often. To save my own skin, which is sometimes not a very good reason, little wolf."
"Ok," she said quietly.
"I have seen the darkest parts of my nature. For a while, I even revealed in them because I had neither the desire nor strength to fight them. I was a monster, Tessa."
She felt her heart accelerating with dread. Did she want to know this? But she felt she had to. That he needed to know.
"I was everything you pack taught you my kind are. Everything."
"I guesses," she shivered. "When you talked of newborns."
"Obviously, I was one of them."
"What happened?"
"Well, it was not all some wonderful revelation of conscience, although conscience began to play a role. It was also a need for self-preservation. Asher is quite right. If we don't control ourselves, we can't be safe. Humans will find a way to exterminate us. So again, the desire to save myself led me down a different path."
"I understand."
"You can't possibly understand. You've never faced such choices. You've never done such thinks. But at heart, I am a monster. You need to know that."
She swallowed hard, but she wasn't dealing any fear. Instead, she was feeling an unexpected, strong sympathy.
"Then I met Violet, my claimed mate. We lived together for just over fifty years and it was a joyous time, a joy I certainly didn't deserve."
"What happened?"
His face darkened and creased with pain. "There is nothing for a vampire that is quite like the wonder, the joy, the exquisite desire, and satisfaction that came from sharing intimacy with a human. It is not even the same with another vampire."
"Oh." Her heart stopped and then sped up, but for an entirely different reason.
His finger left her chin and ran down her throat to the pulse that raced there. "I can feel your desire for me. I can smell it. I feel the same, ma belle. The same and more."
She cleared her throat, struggling to keep her mind clear. "Violet?" she reminded him.
"She thought to give me a gist. A great gift since I was true to her at all time. A demon enticed her and changed her back to human form."
Tessa gasped.
"If you come into my world any further, little wolf, you'll find things you never dreamed existed." He sighed and took his finger from the pulse in her throat. She felt abandoned.
"Tessa, I was horrified that she had done such a thing. I got angry, telling her that she was perfect for me as she had been, that I wanted no human, I just wanted her. And I was so angry she had made a deal with a demon. I couldn't imagine what she had bargained away to achieve this."
"Then?"
"She jumped from the window of our home, killing herself. She realized she had been seduced by a demons' promises and...I am not sure how much my reaction played into what she did. I blame myself."
"Oh, Kane, I'm so sorry!"
He shook his head. "It's fine. There's more you need to understand. I had claimed her. For us, that means something much more than love. When a vampire claims, it is beyond love and well into obsession. Had Violet left me, I would have followed her to the ends of the earth. Instead, she left me by frying. Unfortunately, that didn't end my obsession. I hunted the demon who had seduced her because my thirst for vengeance knew no doubts. I was, as Mac told you the first night, insane."
"Did you get vengeance?"
"I thought so. But for nearly a year now I've been wandering from place to place, living only to choose the time and manner of my death. For if vengeance doesn't end a claiming, only death will."
Tessa's heart seemed to be shattering. That he had loved Violet that much overwhelmed her. He couldn't possibly have space in his life of heart for anything else. Hadn't he as much as said so? "Do you still want to die?"
"Oddly, little would, that desire has left me. Since I met you."
At that, everything inside her seemed to leap, even as some wise part of her brain remind her that she didn't know enough yet to understand what she was getting into.
"I am not happy about this," he told her bluntly. "I do not want to care again, but care again I do. I told you we were playing with a fire you cannot imagine. What if I claim you, Tessa? Will that content you or frighten you? Will I once again wind up wandering in search of my own death as I try to stay away from you? I don't know."
His eyes darkened. "I am quite sure, however, that you are not sure. So I will back away while we can still both escape."
Then he lifted his head. "It is time."
With that, he turned and disappeared into Soren's bedroom. This time, the door closed firmly and she heard lock thud into place.
She stood frozen, her mind jumping in a dozen different directions at once as she tried to absorb everything he had told her. One thing she was sure about: he was warning her.
But warning her of what? That he might become obsessed with her? From what he had said, that was a pretty big deal, and it might be cruel of her to even flirt with the possibility. Did she really want Kane to be left insane or so desolate that only death offered him any hope of release?
No. Of course not. That would be cruel beyond bearing. So he was right, they had to keep a distance that left them both free. Except the thought of that distance, which she had clearly tasted tonight, caused her a pain so deep she felt it to her very soul.
How could she have been attached so fast to a vampire? Maybe her mother was right. Maybe he had cast some spell over her.
But even as she considered it, she knew that wasn't the truth. Here he was, backing away to protect them both from an obsession he evidently wouldn't be able to control.
Trying to save her from himself and what he might become. To give her freedom to leave before he couldn't let her go.
It smiley wasn't adding up. None of it. If he was worried about claiming her, then perhaps he was feeling the initial stirring of the obsessions.
If so, was there anything she could do to prevent it? Leaving him might not stop whatever was going on.
God, she wished she had someone to talk to who could explain.
Just then the door of the condo opened and Asher slipped in. "Made it just in time," he said with a smile. "Everything ok?"
"Yes. Julie?"
"She's safe. Any vampire who doesn't want to face the sun is going to ground now. Your pack?"
"I haven't heard."
He nodded and started for the door of the bedroom.
"Asher? A second?"
He paused. "I don't have many of them. Quickly."
"Why is Kane afraid of claiming? How bad is it, really?"
"He's afraid because he did it one. Only he knows how much pain he experienced when Violet died."
"But is it so much worse than live?"
"Yes." He faced her, eyes darkening. "We all try to avoid it, Tessa. All of us. But sometimes it just happens."
"Why avoid it?"
"Consider. I have claimed Julie. If she were to leave me for any reason I would have two choices. I would either hound her to the ends of the earth no matter where she went, or I would have to die to set her free. Kane is right to be concerned. And if you care for him, heed that concern."
"So I should go back with my pack?"
"I didn't say that." He gave her a crooked smile. "I tried to avoid claiming Julie. It didn't work. And I'm the happiest vampire on the planet now. Just be very, very sure of what you want before you encourage him further. Good night." He slipped a key card into the door of the bedroom and vanished inside. Once again she heard it lock.
She turned again and saw the first faint lightening of the sky. Her heart ached, full of unhappy knowledge, but her body ached, as well. Staring out over the awakening city, she felt the ceaseless throb of desire for Kane, as if he had infected her somehow. He didn't even have to be there to make her want him with every fiber and cell.
Alone and disturbed, she watched the city brighten.
The day yawned before her endlessly.
It was nearly ten before Tessa's mother arrived. She had to give permission to the doorman to let her come up, and she was surprised when he acceded, apparently because it must be ok if she was in Soren's condo.
Danica arrived at the door a few minutes later and Tessa let her in.
"Where are all the bloodsuckers?"
"Asleep. You know that, Mom."
"Yes." Danica, dressed in winter gear, dropped onto the couch. "Coffee?"
Tessa felt a little like she was trespassing, but she went into the kitchen and made a pot. It was easy enough since Beth had left everything out, perhaps because she thought Tessa might want it.
She brought to cups out to the living room and sat next to her mother on the couch. "The pack?"
"They're still out searching the streets. We've smelled a few vampires. Not that many yet. Less than a dozen so far. But we've also something else. There are dead in some of the buildings, Tessa. They haven't been discovered yet, and they may become newborns. We can't be sure."
"Did you not where they are? Julie's still at work. I can let her know where to look."
"What's she going to do about them?"
"She has a plan. She's the medical examiner. Did we tell you that? Anyway, she's insisting that the first step with each corpse that is brought to them is to remove the brain."
"Ah!" Danica's face lightened. "That's brilliant."
"At least until the rogues figure out what she's doing."
"They will, soon enough." Danica sighed and sipped more coffee. "We're tired, my daughter. We're going to have to sleep for a while, at least the vampires are sleeping, as well. And you. You look exhausted."
"I am. I've had my days and nights mixed up."
Danica's frown was faint but evident to her daughter who had known her all her life. "So Julie is the wife of that one called Asher? Why hasn't he changed her?"
"He seems reluctant. He said something about not wanting her to go through what he's had to endure."
Danica thought about that. "You seem to have found an exceptional group of vampires."
"According to them, the rogues are the exception."
"Perhaps. Time have changed." Reached out, she brushed Tessa's hair back with a gentle touch. "I'm sorry we failed you."
"You didn't fail me. I failed the pack."
Danica shook her head. "No. Never. It happens sometimes that one of us can't shift. That never made you any less in our eyes. But you weren't happy. I could see that. Are you happier now?
Tessa thought of Kane and the way he was pulling back. "I don't know. I thought I was."
"You need to be among your own kind. What I sense is that you feel you don't have a kind."
At that, Tessa's throat tightened until it hurt. "Maybe not. I don't know yet."
Her mother gave her a quick hug. "Be careful, Tessa. Don't let loneliness lead you astray. And right now, things are dangerous. I wish you weren't right in the middle of it all."
"I didn't put myself in the middle, I was attacked and Kane saved me. That's what put me in the middle."
"I'm grateful to Kane, much as it pains me." Danica's smile was crooked. "I sense he's very troubled, though. So be careful. Not just because he's a vampire."
Tessa nodded. "It's ok. He wants to avoid me."
"Good." Something must have flickered over Tessa's face because her mother suddenly looked concerned. "Tessa, you haven't given him your heart!"
"No. No. Not that I'd have a chance to."
Danica pulled back a little. "I warned you, my daughter. If you follow that path, you'll lose the pack."
"Did I ever have the pack?" The words burst out of Tessa as anguish filled her. "Do you know what I am, Mom? I'm nothing. I'm, not fully human, I'm not fully lycan. I'm not anything! I can't run in the moonlit woods with you. Heck, I can't run with the pack at all. At home, I'm nothing but a pup sitter. Here I don't quite fit in because I know things humans choose not to know. I smell things they can't. I heal too fast. Well, I don't fit with the bloodsuckers, either. I'm just baggage right now. They're protecting me, nothing more. Do you know how that makes me feel?
"Tessa..."
"I know all the kind things you'll say to me, so don't bother. I know you love me. But you know something? Sometimes love isn't enough."
A few moments passed before Danica replied. "No sometimes it's not. But to fully belong with them"—she nodded toward the closed bedroom door—"you'd have to become we can't tolerate. Then what you gained?'
"I didn't say I wanted to one of them. I just wish there was somewhere I didn't feel like a burden. A place I felt useful."
"That's why you were studying nursing."
"After the last few days, I don't that'll be enough anymore. I know things. I've seen things. I can't go back to pretending I'm just a normal, because I'm not."
"Then what do you intend to do?"
"I don't know. I honestly don't know." She looked down for a few seconds then drew a deep breath. "I have to find my way somehow. In the mean, tell me where you smelled these corpses so I can let Julie know. She can probably collect them all and deal with them before nightfall."
"And then what? Surely these rogues will figure it out."
"Kane and Asher thought that might actually be a good thing because then we'll the know where to look for them. If they come to the morgue, we'll be ready."
"We." Danica repeated the word thoughtfully, quietly. "All right," she said presently, switching to a brisk tone. "Give me some paper to write on. The pack will be there tonight, too."
Tessa's heart squeezed again with fear. "Mom, you can all leave. I don't want any of you to get hurt."
"Do you honestly think we won't stand beside you in this? You know better, Tessa. And if you choose to stand with those blood—your friends, then so will we. For now, at least."
Pack loyalty above all else, Tessa thought as she went to the desk against one of the windows and found a pad and pen. She was still part of the pack, where she like it or not.
Just then, she couldn't have whether that was a good thing.
Just a few minutes later she called Julie and gave her the addresses. At least some newborns weren't going to awake that night.